In a blog post on one of the blogs I read when I want to avoid, you know, getting on with my life, I found a link to an interesting post, one piece of which I thought was really relevant to all the talk about female/male brains:

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Thirty years ago, when I was in college, straight people were always asking gay men and lesbians how they were sure they were "homosexual," and what made them gay. Back then, lots of LGB people were very interested in brain studies that claimed to show that gay men had brain characteristics similar to those of women, while lesbians had brain areas that were similar to those of men. Today, that just sounds silly, and scientific exploration of the idea that lesbians think like men and that gay men have girl brains has largely petered out, because people no longer demand to know what biological factor could possibly explain sexual orientation. With the depathologization of same-sex attraction, the search for some biological basis to explain it has faded away.

I think that once being trans is accepted as real and natural variation in what it is to be human and not some sort of psychosis or violation of the laws of physics, the question of whether we have a "male brain" or a "female brain" will be seen as irrelevant.  Once we stop having to justify how we are to other people and even to ourselves, we won't feel the need to come up with "scientific" explanations.  Moreover, I suspect that until we are accepted and accept ourselves for being the way we are, all the "scientific" explanations in the world aren't going to really satisfy us.

But the place it starts is with accepting ourselves as being the way we know we are, and learning to not see ourselves as crazy for thinking so.  It seems like every day or so there's another person posting a list of all sorts of  things about themselves that, to us at least, sure sound like signs that they're trans, and then asking, am I trans?  Or am I just crazy/deluded/kidding myself?

It's because it's hard.  Our minds are not so separate from other people's as we like to think.  We've internalized all the transphobic and gender essentialist BS that we've been steeped in all our lives, and it's a lot of work to reprogram ourselves to not see an ugly man in a dress or a Disney princess pretending to be butch (or whatever our internal transphobe tells us we are) when we look in the mirror.

One thing that helps (well, I hope it does) is getting affirmations from supportive people, especially from people who get it.  I'm glad that when people post their doubts and confusions and self-criticisms -- and their stories of being invalidated -- there are people to reply and validate them and give them the feeling that it's okay to be how they are and that there's hope.  And that they're not alone.  Regardless of what a PET scan of their brain would show.

When I went through the transition we had the 3 working theories, genetic, environmental and brain difference. I couldn't prove any of this in my case but I knew I didn't have a normal behavior pattern for a young child. My father had issues with depression so I though my condition might be an expression of that and brain difference was also a possibility. In the end I stopped worrying about why I was the way I was and just went about fixing it. Not knowing added a great deal of uncertainty when the time came for surgery because there was a small fear I would flip back after surgery. I have been very happy post surgical and never regretted my decision but I didn't learn about the Nature article until a few weeks ago when I first joined this board. In some ways it was very comforting to know once and for all that it has alway been there from the start and there was no other decision I could have made in my life that would have resulted in the happiness I have had all these years.

Looking back, I don't think I would have felt so out of place for so many years before surgery if I understood my problem had a physical origin and there was nothing I could do to change it. I had a good deal of self blame for feelings I had no control over. Let me change the things I can and help me live with the things I can't change comes to mind. Understand the source and nature of our problem is important in helping us find the path to a treatment.

For me, I think it's really important that people know that this isn't something I'm choosing to do. I haven't just taken up transition the way some people take up skydiving or playing the drums.

For people who don't care what others think of them, the self-acceptance piece may be all they need.

Alas, I'm not one of those folks.

I have a need, perhaps unhealthy, but there nonetheless, for people to understand me and who I am. It is important to me that those around me, be they friends, family, acquaintances or strangers, understand that I'm not choosing this. This is who I have to be. If someone doesn't understand that, they don't understand me.

Currently that's a cisgender privilege, right - that the people you meet never think you've chosen your gender. If there were a widespread understanding that trans isn't something we chose, it's part of us, some of that privilege would erode.

I think the need to prove to other people that you had no choice is, at least in part, driven by the (cis-sexual) assumption that the trans "choice" is not a valid one.  As you say, nobody ever questions cis people's "choice" to remain with their assigned sex.  Nobody has to "come out" as cis.

My father once managed to convince me that I could sell BestLine soaps door-to-door.  (He sure was good at selling!)  It took me about a half an hour of knocking on doors to make it clear to me that I couldn't.  I might as well have been a pig trying to climb trees.  It was contrary to my nature.  Instead, I ended up being a techie -- mainly programming computers, but I got a PhD in math, did my own house wiring, learned to plaster, sew my own dresses.

The thing is, nobody ever tried to convince me that my choice not to work in sales or my choice to work in tech was invalid or the result of a mental illness.  Nobody demanded that I justify my choice.  There was no need to convince people that I really had a "techie brain" or that my brain wasn't wired to be a salesman.  And getting a PhD had long-lasting negative effects: it made it much harder for (non-academic) employers to believe I wouldn't jump ship at the first chance, and the competition for academic positions is ridiculous.  Yet getting a PhD was considered a reasonable, even praisworthy choice, and that I was competent to make that choice.

Will we ever see the day when the choice to transition is also seen as a valid choice which most reasonable people are competent to make?

I have to agree. I hear people say bring Gay is a choice, and I am like,  so what? What do I care if someone else feels they need or want to date a member of the same sex,  how does the need or desire change how I should treat them?

I still think both gay and transsexual people are "born that way".  You might struggle with all your might and deny your nature, and THAT might be a choice.  There might be varying degrees of gayness or transsexuality, but I still think it's innate.

Quote from: Asche on June 13, 2015, 10:29:09 AM
The thing is, nobody ever tried to convince me that my choice not to work in sales or my choice to work in tech was invalid or the result of a mental illness.

No, but you weren't asking for coverage for a $20,000 surgery in order to allow you to work in sales. And if you told your buds, "I just hate that I have to convince people to buy stuff for my job", you'd probably hear some variation of "well, you really don't have to be in sales. There are lots of other jobs."

However, I hate it when I complain about some aspect of womanhood and I get some variation of "you had a choice." I didn't have a choice. I have to be who I am.

Being trans is not the same as choosing a career in sales. You did choose sales, and you could later choose some other occupation. But I can't choose not to be female.

I'd like people to know that.