For anyone who doesn't know or remember me here (I posted a lengthy introduction a long time ago), I'm a 25 year old T-Girl  that's been crossdressing for 13 years (on and off) and have been living with my mom for all my life, and recently I've been trying to explore and deal with my transgender issues, by going out to TG night clubs and support groups.  My mom found out about my crossdressing more than a year ago and became depressed about it for a time till I played the "good son" role again (I never told her anything more than that I crossdressed, I can't even imagine if I told her how deep it goes.)

I've only been going to TG clubs and support groups for a month and a half ago, and my mom asked to borrow my car, and I lended her my car without being able to clean up everything from my car.  Well, she found a business card or postcard of a crossdressing place in my car and my sister told me what she told her (I came out to my sister a few weeks ago, since we both share similar resentments with my mom), and this time its worse than last time.  Yesterday, my mom talked with me twice, the second one much more extensively on the phone, and I didn't know how to talk to her. 

For some background, my mom is hispanic (from El Salvador), 56 years old, and religious Jehovah's Witness, and she was away from the religion for a long time till she came back to it about a year and a half ago.  She has been bothering me for that long time to come to her religion to "survive the great tribulation" (I've been to that religion before, but I got turned off from the exclusivity, and self-righteous attitude of it.)  On top of that, she hears a lot of bad things happening on the news (we live in the L.A. area) and is afraid of something bad happening to me.  My mom divorced my father about 13 years ago because he cheated on her with another woman.  She's had depression ever since she had my sister (19 years ago.)  My mom has told me that for the time she has been depressed, that she has had suicidal thoughts.  My mom lives on the money that my dad gives to her, me, and my sister (she has not gotten a job because she thinks that since she is so old and she doesn't have much work experience, that she's unemployable, especially in the L.A. area.)  She has such low self esteem that she has hinged all of her remaining self esteem in having me and my sister live a successful life the way she sees it.  She has told me of how proud she is of having a son, and has encouraged me time and time again to do male things.  She grew up from a family where her mother was the aggressive, macho one.

Well, this is all relevant because when I was arguing with her last night, trying to take a stand for my own self expression (but without directly telling her what I'm doing), she has said some really dramatic things including that "she has given up her life for me and my sister and this is how I pay her back" and that "I'm doing stupid stuff", "i'm doing bad things", "wearing womens clothes is wrong" and that "I'm doing the same thing to her that my dad did to her when he cheated on her", and that she has lost Frank (my dad) and she's going to lose me now.  After I kept on defending my position (I myself am fed up by her suicide threats and her telling me of "suicide fantasies" during the past 2 years from time to time because me and my sister don't listen to her when she insists on us doing something) that she broke into a long and painful cry on the phone (almost like a little girl crying.)  That really disturbed me.  She has really hinged her love for me on "being a good son" and I'm sad to disappoint her but I don't want to play charades with her anymore. 

What I need help is in that I'm afraid that she's suicidal since she both has depression and that she feels like she has little to live for in life.  She's soo disappointed with her own life and blames anything bad that has happened to her in her life on herself.  I need to get her professional help but I don't know how or who to contact, this is the first time I've ever really needed to get this for her.  I'm frustrated and scared and sad and somewhat depressed and its hard for me to know what to do exactly about this.  I really need some assistance in this matter, since I am scared by even the chance that she would actually commit suicide, and of course I don't want her to do that.  Please help me.  I appreciate any help but would especially appreciate it if someone from the L.A. area or someone familiar with professionals in the L.A. area can give me some advice on professional help for my mom.  Thank you. 

You can call someone at the Suicide Hotline about how to help a suicidal family member.

You can also encourage her to join a group therapy type of thing or to attend functions at her church. Socialization could really help to boost her self esteem.

What type of help in LA are you looking at?  That's where I go for most of my stuff. 

http://www.suicidepreventioncenter.org/

Maybe that will help.

Hi,

    I believe that getting her help is very important, however, while you are working out what kind of help, where to go for it, and then having to get your mother to agree to being helped, you should maybe have your sister pitch in to find places where your mother can socialize with others.  The socialization itself may take some time, but it is a very important step for getting your mother to think of other things and other people.  It is probably the easier thing to do while you work on the more important therapy or support options.

   This is just my opinion, of course.  I really hope it all works out for your mother.  Depression can be very painful, but it is treatable.


I wish you the best,

Rebis

It would be swell if you could get her out of her JW mindset. She's probably compounding her problems by the rigidity of the doctrines that she believes.

Perhaps you could take here to a nice Catholic service or something.

In any case, I know how difficult it can be to attempt to defend your position.  The best thing to do is apply patience.  Don't talk about it.  She now knows and she needs time to learn how to deal with it.  In the mean time, spend some quality time with her.  Do something special for her.  Tell her that you love her.  If she has a question about this new discovery, go ahead and answer it.  But remember that it takes two to make an argument.  If she becomes confrontational about it, just tell her that you will answer questions but refuse to argue about it.  Remind her that above all, you love her and always will.

The advice to consult with a suicide center is very sound.  I would not put this off.  I realize that she may very well be using this as a manipulative ploy.  But you just never know.  You can not treat a suicide threat lightly.

Chin up.... and all of that!

Cindi

I just talked to my mom and it doesn't seem that she is suicidal.  However, I was busy trying to be understanding and compassionate (since arguing with her only makes things worse).  She kept on framing this issue in terms of "good and bad", "right and wrong", and that she thinks that its a disorder and that "bad people" are sweet talking me into doing this, if I do wrong then I have to deal with the consequences, etc...  She kept on also referring to wearing womens clothes in some highly derogatory ways that I would rather not say here.  I would say it went better than I thought as in that I survived it but its impossible for her to understand this and fit this into her way of seeing things. 

I asked her why she thinks wearing womens clothes is so bad, she just kept on expressing disgust for it (and cited once that famous scripture that biblical critics always site) and she tried to use the bible and say that "being a man is a priviledge" and that wearing womens clothes is lowering one down.  She also kept on saying how shameful it is, etc...  She also thinks that stuff like this should be suppressed, along with other things that people in her religion suppress.

I see things in a totally opposite way to her, partly because I know that what hurts us is not what actually happens but the interpretations that our mind makes out of things.  Something "bad" cannot happen to us until we declare it to be so.  Most of the grief that happens "as a consequence" is based on the judgements and interpretations that our mind makes, not on the actual thing that happened.  I also appreciate self expression and see both sexes as equal.  My mom on the other hand puts all the value in "honor" and "avoiding bad things" including the "consequences" they bring, as well as being self-righteous in the name of God.

I tried defending TG people but she still insists with her bad interpretation and labeling it as a "disorder" that needs to be "cured".  Also, its impossible to talk her out of her JW mindset because they are busy disproving other religions and my mom used to be a Catholic when she was little and she detests them.  My mom says that she will pray for me (and of course that she would not accept it).  I still have not told her exactly about my TG issues, because I'd rather her only know that I crossdress rather than tell her that I see this much more seriously and have contemplated a sex change (of which her reaction would be even much more explosive.)

Oh, also: thanks to everyone here to replied to my post.  I really appreciate it as I was feeling so terrified earlier.

Often parents find it very difficult to reconcile the issue that "They must have done something wrong".  Remember when our parents raised us they had certain expectations in mind, one of which is that we will grow up and reflect their good upbringing.  They are proud of us, they brag about us, they compare us to the children of friends friends, they brag about us in church.  This is a slap in the face to them, they failed, what will their friends think of her that her child is this way, what will her church think of her.

Personally I would not push the issue with her, but she needs to know the way things are with you.  Her finding out things a little bit at a time is not the way to go, each time she discovers something new about you just adds to her dismay and depression. One option that you have is to get into therapy and let her know that you are seeking professional help to resolve the issues that you are faced with, and that through this it will either confirm that you have GID or that it is something else.

But one thing to remember is that we can not force people to accept us, not even family.  Belief systems are learned from childhood and this flies in the face your mothers religious convictions.  Do be in her face all the time over this.  She knows what you do she doesn't understand why you do it.  Parents snoop around their child's things, even their private places so one trick that you may try is to casually leave literature around the house in places where she's bound to find it.  A first step doing this would be to write yourself a letter where you talk about yourself, the issues you face, your concerns, your hopes and dreams, the love for your mom and family etc.  Sort of a diary page and leave that out for her to read while you are not there.

You may also want to comb through our Wiki as there is lots of coming out info although some may be too technical.  In any event it may give you some ideas and further insight.  In any event you must prepare yourself for the worst and that you may loose your family.

Steph

Quote from: Katelyn on November 27, 2007, 04:26:23 AM
"bad people" are sweet talking me into doing this...........its impossible for her to understand this

......... its impossible to talk her out of her JW mindset because they are busy disproving other religions

........I'd rather her only know that I crossdress rather than tell her that I see this much more seriously and have contemplated a sex change (of which her reaction would be even much more explosive.)

people outside my private thoughts never knew I was having these thoughts, let alone 'sweet talk' me into anything.  We are all driven by our own inner forces, not 'bad people', but you're never going to get her to understand that.  I've had JW talk to me at the front door many times, and they are ....ummm.... zealous.  Yes, leave it at that.

If you told her the whole truth, how could it possibly be any worse than it is now?  I might leave out the GRS notion at the moment, just let her know your true self first.  Tell her you love her, but if she doesn't listen to you, she will never learn who YOU really are, and be able to continue to love you in return.

If you stay the 'good boy you', it will satisfy her needs, but it will be a toxic environment for you, and the whole while, the clock is ticking.  Maybe you could stuff it all in until you are, say 45 or 50.  What if, after all that time, she is still depressed, and quite possibly still suicidal.  You will be in the same place, only much older.

I know this all sounds unsympathetic, but it's not intended that way.  I too have had experience with depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

I'll repeat what many have already said here, you should seek some professional therapy, and get connected to a suicide hotline for help.

Bev