I'm sorry if you've read my posts throughout this site, but either I'm the only one like me, or I'm not posting in the right spot. I'm not looking for anyone like me for anything other than to see if I'm a freak, or if other's have felt this way.
I'm a 55 year old male, married for 34 years. I have three grown children and three grandchildren. I love women's full dresses, nylons, slips etc., and when I was thinner, I loved dressing in these things in secret. I'm totally content as a man (husband, father, etc), but am very aroused when thinking of these clothes, or women in them. As far as intimacy with my wife, it doesn't nothing for me, but if I could wear these clothes (she is repulsed at the thought) during intimacy, I'd be in Heaven!
So, I am turned on by women like a typical man, but when intimate, I picture myself as a woman.
My ideal would be to go to work as a man, be the husband, father, and grandfather I am, and then in down time, dress as a beautiful woman. When I'm dressed as a woman, I'm aroused, and picture myself as a woman with a woman.  I'm not a gay male, but when I dress up, I'd be a lipstick lesbian attracted to another lipstick lesbian.
Does this sound familiar to anyone out there? Is there anyone out in the world like me?? I feel so alone because I can't find anyone that is like me.....anywhere!
Thank you for listening,
Dana

Dana,
Many of those who post here these days seem to be primarily those who identify as transsexual or androgynous.  There are a few "classic" crossdressers, but not many seem to be active posters.  I do not post very often myself, although I browse the forums on a regular basis.

One of the reasons for this forum is to give one another support and to answer the very question you are asking.  NO YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  (I usually do not shout, being a very soft spoken person, but that was something that needs to be shouted.)

At some point in my past I might have described myself much as you do.  I am now in my 60's, married for almost 40 years, with three grown children and several grandchildren.  I have been a crossdresser for as long as I can remember.  For most of my life I dressed in secret, for short periods of time.  Mostly I would "borrow" some of my wife's things when she wasn't around.  I felt terribly guilty about crossdressing and would swear to myself that this would be the last time.  Then a few months later the urge to try on something pretty would come over me again and I would give in, followed by a new round of guilt.  About ten years ago I decided to buy myself my own feminine clothing.  I bought a skirt and sweater, a pair of heels, and some makeup.  I decided to tell my wife about my crossdressing.  She was very hurt at first that I had kept this hidden from her all these years, but she also is a very loving and understanding person.  She has come to be very supportive and accepting.  Over the years she has bought me clothing and jewelry as birthday and Christmas gifts.  I dress en femme at home about once a week.  When I dress I dress fully en femme and wear makeup and jewelry.  I have a nice wig, but more often I will simply style my own hair in a feminine way. 

I have no desire to change my gender (I describe myself as an androgynous male crossdresser).  I am a monogamous heterosexual and would never consider any sexual relations with anyone other than my wife.  We all have our fantasies, but largely these are personal and private affairs.  What we think and feel is inside us; what we do is public and interpersonal, since it involves others who may or may not share our private fantasies.  My wife has made it clear to me that she is not at all interested in a lesbian relationship with me.  She thinks of me as her husband and as a man (even when I am wearing a dress and makeup).  Just as she accepts my need to crossdress as something that is part of me, I accept her feelings as a necessary part of her.

What I am trying to tell you, Dana, is that you are not alone.  Whether you consider yourself a "freak" is another matter.    Society considers anyone who does not conform to gender norms a freak.  Crossdressing used to be illegal in many places.  Doing it is still enough to get one labeled as odd at best and can lead to becoming a victim of a hate crime at worst.  The issue is whether we want to let ourselves be labeled in this way.  Anyone who is transgendered is different.  Differences are not necessarily a bad thing, however.  Differences are bad only when they cause harm to ourselves or others or prevent us from pursuing what we think is good.  Crossdressing is a harmless diversion, as long as it does not become an obsession that prevents us from doing other things.  Having a good fashion sense does not make me a freak; I consider it a talent and a gift.

I just hope this helps.

Louise,
Thank you SO much for your post (I wasn't yelling, just wanted to show my appreciation! <smile>)! It was exactly what I needed to hear!
The guilt you dealt with is what I've always dealt with too. I'm a Catholic man, who was brought up in a very strict Catholic home. Ever since I was 5 I had a compulsion to MB. I would always picture women in beautiful frilly dresses while doing it (Donna Reed, Lucy, etc). I discovered one of my sister's dresses in the attic one day, and put it on and was so aroused by it. I knew dressing and MB was 'wrong', but it felt good. When I was about 10, I told my mother of this thing I was doing (just the MB, not the dressing), and she ran to her closet, pulled out a Catholic pamphlet, and read how I needed to go to confession because I would go to Hell. My mom was never emotional connected to me, and my dad, well, I was never 'good enough' for him...my brothers always could do it 'better' than me, and when I did something wrong, my dad would get enraged.
When I was in my mid 40's, I discovered the internet when my son needed us to get a computer for his school needs. I was able to 'act out' with women online. Women who let me be a women with them. It got to where it became an addiction with me. I would come home from work and spend 8+ hours a day meeting, and acting out with concentual women online (before my wife got home from work). I joined an SA group because the guilt and shame of doing these things (against God and my wife) became too much for me.
Three years ago, in an online AA group, I met a woman who answered an email of mine on my anxiety disorder. This woman has been such a God send to me. She understands me, lets me be the man I am, but also totally accepts the 'Michelle' side of me. She's the one who has told me that I'm not 'weird', I just have a different sexuality then most men. I've grown feelings for her that I've never, in my 34 years of marriage, have felt before. Being a Catholic man, this also leaves me with guilt and shame, but my friend and I look at our relationship as one that keeps us sane through the lives we promised to God, a secret life, if you will. She will never leave her husband, and I will never leave my wife, but she and I have each other. We live our married lives as good spouses, parents, etc., and then have each other to share our deepest feelings for. She understands, and accepts every part of my being, and that means more to me than anything. So, I can be the man my wife wants, and the man AND woman, my friend loves and accepts.
The four of us have gotten together several times over these three years, and we all get along. My wife and her are friends, and email each other regularly. My wife knows my friend is very special to me, and has grown to accept it.
Sorry for going on and on like this! But thank you so much for letting me know I'm not the only one like this! My friend says that if I can dress like a woman privately, more often, that maybe the arousing part will wear off. But I can't see that happening. But then again, reading how it did with you, maybe it will with me too. I haven't dressed in such a long time because I've put on too much weight to look good in anything I'd like. My friend is going to help me with a diet and spiritual program come September, so I'm hopeful that I will be able to dress again, and not just fantasize it!
Dana

Dana,

Glad I could help a little.  By the way I am also a practicing Catholic.

Louise

reagrding the sexually feelings aspect of your comments I can rezinate with. I am only 22 and not married with no kids and therefore no grandkids. This part of your life escapes my experience. Much like you said earlier your wife can't naturally "turn you on" (please forgive the lack of better words its late) but the thought of you in females clothes does or the thought of the clothes does. This pretty much sums up all my feelings regarding sexual desires.
I guess my question for you two is simple, If one does not feel attracted to women should they date them (understanding that this could lead to marriage) and if so, when do you tell them that you don't find them sexually attractive.
           James

Hi, Dana. I have been a crossdresser just over two years. I am married, 59 years old, and a father. I came to crossdressing quite late in my life. I never dressed in women's articles as a child nor did I have the desire. I always felt that I was different and didn't know why.

Two years ago, I got this crazy urge to try on my spouse's skirt. I did so, and it set off the chain of events to where now I am a happy and content crossdresser. I never felt gulity or ashamed about it which I found surprising. I guess this was inside of me all along and it was time for me to express it.

Dana, you are not alone. Forums like this are here to help, guide, and support crosssdressers. You are among sisters here.

Gennee

Thank you Gennee and Louis
I always knew I was different as well. My friend that I've been referring to has been doing all kinds of research online for me (she's the one that found this site for me). What best describes me is a ->-bleeped-<-. I enjoy being a man in every day life, but need to be a woman (preferrably in dress, but mostly in fantasy do to my wife's lack of acceptance) to have any kind of intimacy or to be aroused.
James, in answer to your question, I am attracted to women only. No attraction to men what so ever. But my with attraction to women, they need to be wearing something beautiful. If a naked woman were to walk by, I wouldn't give a second look, but if a woman wearing a 50's style dress, with the full skirt, I'd immediately stare, and maybe use that look in my next fantasy.

Is there anyone like you?  Sure!    You sound like a nice, garden variety crossdresser.  And you're in good (and probably surprisingly numerous) company.

So enjoy!

You sound like the majority of crossdressers! =) I'm much the same.

Hi Dana,

Your not alone! I was also brought up Catholic and did similar things as a teenager. Generally, I am very attracted by woman who wear lingerie and act very feminine. I try to emulate this in my crossdressing fantasies. It's not easy acting on these feelings within a society that is generally closed minded towards crossdressing. Best wishes in exploring your feminine side and reaching a balance that makes you happy.

Eve

hi dana, i used to think i was a freak ,  im beginning to accept that dressing up in  bras and panties , skirts and blouses allows me to be at ease with myself when at times i feel frusrtated , and as i am also attracted to woman in lingerei , i like to feel the same sensuality , im pretty new to this  myself as i am in my 40 s  but always knew that it was there , so accepting it has been a slow process , good luck!!

Dana: Freak is exactly the way that I feel. I, too,feel like a lesbian when I am dressed ( in private ). This is the first time I have come out and publicly admitted that I am a closet ->-bleeped-<-. I suffer from much guilt, stress, and anxiety and very often I find myself throwing everything out, only to start over at a later time. I am 50 and single. I am tired of all the psychobabble that comes with dressing up. Why can't I just be BJ (male or female?). Why is it necessary for me to call myself a TV,CD,TG,bi,gay, or straight?

Hi BJ,

   You don't have to call yourself anything.  And you don't have to feel like a freak.  I know it can be difficult to get beyond that feeling, but you can do it.  There's nothing wrong with you.

    For myself, I find the labels useful in determining how to treat other people.  For instance, an androgyne most often prefers to be addressed with a nongendered term and a TS prefers to be addressed as their true gender.  It helps in regard to understanding how to relate.
    Having a good term to which you can relate to yourself kind of helps when you're looking for other like minded people.
    Other than that, the labels have little meaning.  I mean, you certainly should not feel restricted by a label.

    You certainly don't have to be anyone other than yourself here.   This is a place where you definitely do not have to carry stress and guilt.  There is nothing wrong with you.


Peace,

Rebis

I love the feel of soft silky sensual clothes.   And so, what's wrong with that?   Actually i came to cross dressing sorta by accident.  But now my SO supports it, in fact she strongly encourages it when we are alone.  I've gone from just silky underthings, and nighties to skirts, slips and blouses.  It feels sensual to me and also very, very sexy.  The feel of the underthings is great.  But the feel of wearing a slip and skirt is totally different, and she and I don't feel bad about it at all.  So I suppose alot of it can depend on your partner, and if you dress with some one else.

Hi Dana,

The way you describe your cross dressing fantasies is exactly the way I would describe mine.

Patricia

hi Dana

you are not a freak, you have the feeling of most of us. I am in my 50s and I still love to dress as a women, I also like the pantyhose, slips, shoes, skirts and all that goes with it. We are not freaks.

Hi Dana.

No you are not a freak and you are not alone.

I'm 57 separated with 3 children. As far as I can remember I always had a facination for women clothes and the feel of them. My wife knew and was suportive at first, but when the children came she was afraid they'll get confused if they saw Daddy dressed up in female clothes.

My girlfriend is very supportive and we might spend a week-end together en femme. Sexually I function like a man and define myself as heterolesbian. She says that she has the best of both words and sometimes she even calls me her chick with a dick. 

My children know. My son who lives with me thinks it is cool and has even introduced Maebh to some of his friends, my eldest daughter prefers not to have anything to do with it and I respect her choice. My youngest daughter loves going shopping with me for clothes or jewellery. My partners daughters know and have seen me en femme, two of them have even given me some clothes. Her sons in law and one of her daughters don't know what to make of it since I am not gay. As far as they are concerned I do not arm anybody but make their mother in law and mother happy and that's all that matters.
So I hope that all what you see here at Susan's will help ypu to accept yourself and to enjoy being you in your diversity without guilt or shame.

Love, Light, Laughter & Respect

Maebh

Hi Dana,

Your words nearly mirror my own experiences, I have been CD for close to 20 years now. Married, 4 kids, no grandkids yet.
My wife does not approve of my 'hobby' and besides...she's a foot shorter than me!
So Linsey will allways do her thing in private or away from the home. Shopping, weekend road trips, at work, sort of a 'dont ask dont tell' setup.

Dana,

I feel like you feel and seem to be in a similar situation as well.  I feel guilty about all manner of sexual things and have frequent purges of my mind and my wardrobe.  I am not gay either but do enjoy chatting with men about sex.

I love to wear lovely tights and panties and to wear make up.  I am tall and slender, my body is quite effeminate anyway since I have very little body hair.  I have a nice pair of legs (per my wife).

So no you are no freak.  Sexuality if such a broad issue, you belong to a generation when it was a very narrow public issue and the likes of us were closet, private individuals. Being able to chat like this is just great isn't it?

I maybe young (24) but I have had the same feelings as you. I have been dressing on and off since I was 12. I kept this from my wife until she found out a month ago. She was hurt at first but she understood how embarrassed I was. All she asks for is my love, which I give unconditionally.