I didn't think writing this intro would be so difficult .. so scary. I've never signed up on a forum like this or told my story before .. but here goes.  I'm a 57 year old tg woman who's been closeted all of her life. From an early age I knew I wasn't right with the world. I was obsessed with the idea that I was not supposed to be a boy and would dig my younger sister's dresses out of the laundry and put them on. My mother scolded me and told me I shouldn't do this. Not long after I went into hiding, kept everything hidden and locked away.

When I approached puberty, I kind of panicked. I couldn't face changing, becoming more male. I became very depressed and suicidal, filled with shame and embarrassment .. boys aren't supposed to be girls, you learn this early and often. I tried to tell myself that I wasn't really that different, wasn't really transsexual (I always hated that term). This was a bit crazy because when I was about 14,  I invited my best friend over to the house, put on a dress and then asked him if he wanted to make–out. I guess I had a crush on him. This did not go over well.

In my mid–teens I made and sewed all of these elaborate under–cloths trying to give myself the girls figure I so desperately wanted. I cross–dressed whenever I could and also began stealing my mother's premarin. I found myself thinking about cutting off the stinking organs but this would just cause me to bleed to death and wouldn't fix anything.. I stupidly thought that the estrogen would have some sort of magical fairy–tale affect on me. Unlike today, there was no easy way to look this up. After taking it for a number of years, nothing seemed to happen. I found this devastating.

Sorry this is such a book .. I guess I had a lot to throw–up.

When I was seventeen, I finally came out to my mother – should have done it years before. She was somewhat supportive. I had to make the decision of a lifetime – transition somehow to becoming a woman or just do the male–thing. I really didn't know where to turn. There were no role models, no one to guide me, no one to talk to. In the end, out of terrible fear, and the stupid idea that it was too late (since I had gone through the horrible puberty), I decided not to cross over. This still left me with trying to figure out how I was going to be male. It took several years of weird mental contortions and struggle (especially when it came to the MSD) before I  was able to get to sort of a stable place.

When I was in college I met a woman and we got married. We've been married for 30 years. It was different then the very limited encounters I had with girls in the past – when things were so odd and backwards – trying to figure out who I was supposed to be. We have two wonderful daughters. I'd still go off the wagon 3 or 4 times a year but always seemed to find a way to get it under control and get back to being male.

Recently, I've had a total melt–down. My house of cards just completely collapsed. It was like an emotional bomb went off. My strategy throughout all the years was a kind of avoidance – avoid anything transgender, since it would tend to send me off the deep end. I tried to figure out how to get back to where I was, how to get squashed back down again but I don't even know what that means anymore. Now I'm just trying to take things one day at a time – find some way to feel comfortable in this male body .. that I have to spend the rest of my life in. Like I've always said – It's not easy being me.

I very much appreciate how loving and supportive this site seems to be.

All the best,
Kath

Hi Kath, your story realy touched me. You have taken a big step by sharing it whit us, and i'm glad that you did. I wish there was something i could say that would alleviate all your pain. But im only just figuringout things my self.  But in my process i have found my therapist to be invaluable, maby you could be helped by one to.

Hugs Sandra

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Hi Kath, welcome to Susan's. Thank you for sharing your story. Sorry about things collapsing like a house of cards. In someways, I felt the same way in that regard when it came to transition. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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Hi Kath,

It is never too late Hon. Maybe have a talk with a gender therapist and explore your options. I transitioned at 58. It was and has been wonderful!

Cindy

Hi Kath 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

It's so liberating to get stuff off your chest for the first time.  I hope your journey always has joyous moments.

A nice big warm welcome to Susan's Kath...

Wow you intro was almost my life story too... I was in total Dysphoria about my male parts and lack of female parts from about mid to late 5'ish up to somewhere in my teens where I wanted to castrate myself. I recall telling the Dr around 5 or 6 "I want  to be a girl" he just turned to me Mum that it was a kid thing and would pass...
I got married at 20, still together now, 3 kids and now 4 grandkids. Like you all through my life went through severe emotional stages and won the battles. I had no idea of gender ID or the terms used till in the nineties when internet arrived. Then struggled through my forties and finally at 50 decided to go on HRT, it was sort of melt-down time, do or die, without the die bit... Biggest problem for me is the guilt of hiding all those years not saying anything because of the family... about to anytime now... that is for me, the toughest bit of all

Oh and the Dr was wrong... you never grow out of it!   

So you are not alone here, we are many and live here to support and help each other, its never really too late.... to be able to share your feelings with like minded folks is really therapeutic.

Really look forward to seeing your around the forum's

L Katy *

Thank you so much for all the kind words and encouragement .. it means so much to me

I do have a therapist .. actually seeing her today. That does help a lot.

And Katy, you are so right you never out grow it, it's to the core of your soul

Hugs,
Kath

Hi Kath and welcome to Susan's. Katy's right!You never outgrow it.  I'm happy that you're seing a therapist. It's a step in the positive direction.

Kath, I do believe you are in the right place.  Although I'm new here, I already feel like we're all family.

Sometimes a meltdown is necessary, or even unavoidable.  This is hard, but if it were easy everyone would be doing it.  I just turned 52 (in dog years some say) and have just started HRT.  The key is to step back, take a deep breath, and then assess what you need to do for you. 

The best part of this all is when you finally come to the realization who, not what, you are and it all comes out in the open.  I graduate this November with my Masters and plan on starting my doctorate in very early 2016.  The plan is to become a psychologist and specialize in the LGBT community, primarily working with public safety officers.  Having worn both pairs of shoes (although I prefer 5" heels), I'm taking who I am and am going to make the most out if it. 

It took an attempt on my life and on my partner's life one night in November of 2014 to make me realize what I really wanted to do with my life.  I was off work on disability for just shy of a year and had to retire my partner due to his injuries.  The trooper investigating the crash (we were run off the road by a car traveling 118 mph while we were doing 40) said we both should have been dead.  At the time, hiding everything and fighting myself for years, nearly my whole life, I would have welcomed it.  I lived for a reason, and now I know why.  I've never been at peace with myself until I told my doctor and after I got the green light for HRT from my therapist.

Although my work does not officially know, they have a pretty good idea but choose to keep it as such.  Something I was trying (I won't say exactly what but doe to a bit of a hormonal imbalance it worked) bras are not an option for me.  At first, I was leery when I had to start wearing them, trying to hide them as best I could under my uniform.  They are not getting any easier to hide, but now I don't care.  If I am incapacitated for any reason they are going to see and , oh well.  It is a very redneck jurisdiction that I work for, and they have been trying to get me to leave in several different ways.  I leave when I say I leave, period.  I've been ridiculed to a degree for helping a couple of gay students at one our schools get help; if I remember correctly, I was asked what I was helping those "[expletive] ->-bleeped-<-s for." 

When the time comes, I expect a nice and clean break with everyone going their own way.  Fortunately I live 45 miles away form where I work so I'm wide open at home in and out of the house. 

I know, I'm yappng and I'll save the rest for my "official" introduction in that forum.  Just remember that you know who you are inside, and if you have the soul of a woman which I think that you do, there is no fighting that.  When I die, I want to die who I am with no regrets.  You know in the Bible, Hell is never really described per se; the only one who really gives the depiction is Dante.  To me, heel would be taking my last breath wishing I would have pursued what I did not.  I was born a boy, and will be buried a woman.  I'm not so afraid of it anymore, although I still have an awful lot to do before I answer the phone call from God.  We all do, and that's why He has crossed all of our paths. 

Remember, it is hard being you because there is only one you, and that is what makes you special.  We're all here for each other, honey.  Talk to you soon, and y'all be safe.

Marlo

Gennee, thank you for the welcome

I'm trying to sort through what to do with my life .. really messed up right now
My therapist definitely has helped me and joining this site and connecting
with people who truly, truly understand how hard it can be has already made a
difference.

All the best,
Kath

Marlo
Thank you for sharing so much with me. I have to say it made me cry but then
I've been crying a lot lately. I had always told myself that I had no regrets, no regrets at all .. I had done
the male thing, I was successful at it but your words about taking a last breath without ever
becoming what you truly are really got to me.
I don't know what they think at work .. it seems obvious especially looking at my cube, that I have gone over to the girl side. I use to care .. care way too much .. but now I don't.
If someone wants to know, I'm just going to tell them. Strangely enough, with the hysterical emphasis on
diversity, work is a somewhat safe place.
I'm not sure what to do .. trying to figure it out. I so don't want to hurt my wife but every day brings so
much pain and misery. I'm going to have to come out .. out to everyone and I hope people will still love me.

All the best,
Kath

   Hi Kath, I understand the fear of coming out to those you love. I have yet to tell my two grown children and other family members about my being transgender. However, about 5 months ago at the age of 58, after finally understanding what I have been struggling with all these years, I could not keep my feelings from my wife any longer. I was worried that she would be freaked out and I would lose the love of life. Well, she did not leave me and is totally supportive of me and is on board with whatever shape my transition takes.
   I know that I am very fortunate to have a wife that loves me unconditionally and I feel for those that are not so lucky.
Kath, I wish you the best of outcomes when you share with your loved ones who you truly are inside. Someday I hope that I can come up with courage to come out to the rest of my family.
  Hugs to you,   Stanna

Hi Kath..I just read your post and felt all your pain.I'm an older FTM transitioner and relate to your struggle. The best thing I've ever read was this statement...you can never apologize for being true to yourself. You CAN apologize to anyone hurt by your confusion and un-true lifestyle but remember, being honest with yourself and then others is the best form of love. Wishing you great success for the rest of your life.

Kath, you are very welcome.  I've been in public safety for almost 30 years both as a firefighter-paramedic and now as a cop; I always say that sometimes you feel most like a cop when you're doing non-cop things.  I am very protective of our community, and will continue to be after I'm done with my second career.

I'm on my fourth and final wife now; oh Lord was I hiding things and fighting things, but I knew who I was and there would be no changing it.  I was a terrible beast, always mad, always hating the world.  I was mad at God for making me a boy, and I hated the world for knowing it would hate me. 

I was reckless both at work and off; I rarely wore my ballistic vest, hoping that I would get shot and killed in the hopes that God would send me back as a girl.  I was also reckless sexually, having lots of anonymous sex with guys.  My wife started to suspect something was seriously wrong, and for some reason started to check out several gay web sites.

I started to become very careless, almost hoping I would get caught; I figured I was too much of a coward to face her.  Then one day, I made her a video of about 15 minutes.  I apologized for what I had and was putting her through, and told her all.  I made sure that my makeup was absolutely perfect, and that the background mood was calm.  At the end of the video, I told her how much I loved her, and that no matter what was about to happen, that I loved her and that I was a better person because of her.  It was a pretty sad video; I really didn't know what was to come.

Anyway, the day before the video, she had made up a fake profile on one of the sites and I made a date with her.  OMG, a nuclear detonation went off.  It was a rumble fest for about an hour; I'm surprised that the neighbors didn't call the cops.  Once things calmed down, we finally got to talking.  I gave her the video, she cried.  After she viewed it, I swear we had the longest hug ever; either one of us could not let go.

Long story short, we got through it; she was accepting and I even continued to see a few of the guys that I had become close with.  As time went on, things got better between us.  She is very supportive; when my therapist spoke with her, she could not believe how supportive she was of me.  She had the happiest look on her face when I got the green light for HRT; she could clearly see that I was at peace with myself.

You're going to have to eventually talk with your wife; it is inevitable.  I can't remember if you're seeing a therapist or not, but if you're not you might want to pursue that option.  It is a chance, of course; it can go either way.  maybe making a video akin to mine might help ease you; at least you'll have that if you need it.

It all may be a shock to those you love and to your friends; just be sure that you have a good safety net in place when that time comes.  I know that you are sure who you are, and you'll know when the time is right (just don't be a knucklehead like myself and set yourself up to get caught lol).

I wish I could give you a huge hug right now; I am one of the most fortunate people on this screwed up earth, and because of that I am going to do all I can to help our community, or better yet, our family.  We're all here for you.

I have to get going for now as we just rescued a kitten and my Dachshund is going ballistic.  You hang in there, ya hear?  We're with you sweetie  :-)


Marlo

Thank you for all the wonderful words of support. Marlo and Stanna I was very encouraged
by your stories about telling your wife .. it gives me hope. I really don't know what she knows
or is aware of since she gives little away. I plan on telling her next weekend. This weekend
is our anniversary. I'm making her a special card to tell her how much I love her (I'm a bit of an
artist and a girl). I don't know if I've ever been so scared in my life. Wish me strength.


Kath

Kath, I wish you all the strength that you need. Yes, it is scary telling the person that you love most in your life, the truth about yourself when there is so much at stake. But, you owe it to yourself and your wife that she knows the person that you are inside.
Good luck Kath and be strong,     
    Hugs for you,   Stanna

Dig in deep for that strength, hon - it is inside of you and your stronger than you think solo; now that you have all of us in your corner just think of how much stronger you are!  I'm nt sure if I can send you ny attachments, or links, but later on today I'll try.  You'll like this and the song says it all.

Hugs
Marlo

Hi Kath and welcome to Susan's Place.

I started HRT 3 days before my 51st birthday. I am married and we have 1 daughter.

We have a lot in common and I hope to see you around the site.

Hey there Kath! Just checking on ya, sweetie.  I hope all is well on your end- keep up posted, k?  hang in there sweetie; we're with ya  :-)

Marlo