Hello everyone and thank you for reading my post. I'm happy to be a new member here and look forward to making friends with like minded people. To initiate my new membership I would LOVE to ask a few questions regarding sexual identity in hopes to receive serious, educated, well meaning and honest advice...

I'm 45 years old and have been been crossdressing for about 15 years. I am not "out" and I never want to be. I have no desire at all to go out dressed in public or make it a lifestyle choice. I'm content keeping it my secret. Being single and having my own place makes it very easy for me to dress up whenever I please. One thing I've been struggling with, and I know I may be in the minority, is that it is STRICTLY a sex/fetish thing for me. I honestly enjoy being a man and would never, ever want to change that. But I still have this insatiable desire to get dressed up sexy, wig and all, lounge around the house, admire myself in the mirror and eventually masturbate to CD video or videos of myself I've made over the years. I absolutely LOVE IT! And yes, I have also over the years had realtime casual encounters with various crossdressers like myself and enjoyed it very much. I'm perfectly ok with that secret side of my life. And I'm perfectly ok with keeping my everyday life separate from that. Now that I find myself single again I have the luxury to explore this without the risk of hurting someone else. So here are my questions...

OK, I've always considered myself a straight guy but when I discovered my CD fetish I guess that went right out the window?? I absolutely ADORE genetic women. I love them and prefer to date and be in relationships them almost exclusively. I have absolutely ZERO attraction to men, the thought of me having sex as a man with a man turns me off. However, I have an extreme attraction to CD's and pre op trans women. Even more, I have the desire, no, craving to have sexual encounters with CD"s while dressed myself. Yes, I love having sex with women as a man... and... Yes I love having sex with crossdressers as a crossdresser. (i hope that makes sense). Of course I have the usual questions. Am I gay, am I bi, am I both?? In my own head I question whether i'm gay or not as I have absolutely no attraction to men whatsoever. I am attracted to crossdressers and TS's but don't want anything but sex with them. I honestly wonder sometimes if that makes a bad person? And is it normal for someone to be attracted to real woman and CD/TS women?? Yes, I enjoy a penis on a woman but not a man. What's up with that? I have had a few encounters with men with me being dressed and it did NOTHING for me. Therein lies some of my confusion, gay, bi, both? I do not mean to insult or disrespect anyone on here. I'd truly appreciate any positive, insightful and honest Feedback. I actually look forward to it. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not sure if there is a label that fits you. The best I can come up with would be fluid but I am not really sure that fits either. We all tend to be a mix of both genders with none of us exactly alike. You know you have both a male side and a female side. There is no problem expressing both as long as nobody else is hurt and as long as nobody is hurt, that makes you a good person.
In the end, we can suggest labels that might fit your personality but you are the one who decides if it's the right label for you. The other question, is it so important to have a label if you know who you are and are happy?

Thank you Dena, I value your thoughts. They were very helpful and wise!

DROP THE LABEL ! ! !

There's a realm "in between" the run-of-the-mill "normal" cis-M and cis-F. I'm 67, have been cross dressing since I was about 4 yrs old. (Bath towels as skirts.) We have the silly, floral, ruffles, lace, girlie . . . But we've observed these six decades and pretty much wear what women wear locally -- week-end destination beach area.

Tank tops, T-over tank, cargo and clam-digger/Capri pants, beach sandals, jogging shoes, hoodies, polar fleece,  pierced ears (3 each lobe, no cart), shoulder length hair. And so now going  back and forth, or integrating both -- Women do this all the time. Watch them! Watch what they wear and HOW they put it together! Pay attention to practical, integrated, pragmatic casual clothes that women wear. This sort of clothing is entirely different than the "fetish" stuff for ME . . . (your mileage may vary). There is entirely so much "unisex" in design these days -- particularly for cis-F clothing -- that there is no longer a "gender line" in clothing. (Save skirts/dresses -- a fashion issue the kilt only skirts).

So now I have a very, very integrated wardrobe (mom owned a hand-sewn clothing boutique), practical, pragmatic, color coordinated. We integrate gender gear together, integrate the "look" and --

When people "notice" they think I'm stylish, "cute" (young women say cute), integrated, authentic, or else . . .

NO ONE NOTICES . . .

Even when they DO notice the style, they typically don't see gender in the wardrobe.

& I get really socially engaged! I'm a gadfly! No wall-flower here!

Nothing but love, support and best wishes from all my friends, male and female & in between

How about queer? I used it for awhile and it felt right. I was more attracted to women, but I like some guys too. I now just use bi. Or you could be polysexual. Attracted to multiple genders and gender expressions, but not all of them. I think polysexual sounds accurate for you. Maybe?

" Autobots, Decepticons, gay, straight-- just pick a few robots, and let's party."
-Stewie Griffin

"What's in a name?

A rose  by any other name would smell as sweet."  -- Bill said that, centuries past . . .

Drop the tags! Focus on being YOU.

Quote from: Allison Wunderland on July 21, 2015, 01:57:42 PM
"What's in a name?

A rose  by any other name would smell as sweet."  -- Bill said that, centuries past . . .

Drop the tags! Focus on being YOU.

Psychiatrists used to have a rule of thumb, If cross dressing gets you excited, it's "fetish." If it doesn't get you excited, it's trans. This "rule" is mostly bull->-bleeped-<-. BOTH feelings are present to a greater/lesser degree.

It's absurd to suggest that if you systematically bottle up gender expression it creates sexual tension. Release of that sexual tension MAY derive from a sort of "fetish" relationship. But I'm betting more that the release of sexual tension is mostly about being who you are.

I'm not "male" when I have sex. That's my orientation, my identity. Cross dressing these days, (wrong term!) is more for me now a political statement.

Quote from: Allison Wunderland on August 08, 2015, 02:48:26 PM
Psychiatrists used to have a rule of thumb, If cross dressing gets you excited, it's "fetish." If it doesn't get you excited, it's trans. This "rule" is mostly bull->-bleeped-<-. BOTH feelings are present to a greater/lesser degree.

It's absurd to suggest that if you systematically bottle up gender expression it creates sexual tension. Release of that sexual tension MAY derive from a sort of "fetish" relationship. But I'm betting more that the release of sexual tension is mostly about being who you are.

I'm not "male" when I have sex. That's my orientation, my identity. Cross dressing these days, (wrong term!) is more for me now a political statement.

I have to agree with you here take myself for example sure cross dressing, may have started as a fetish for me but overtime I realized that I am just being who I really am and was not doing it for pleasure. I also agree that I'm not male either when I have sex I may be male by birth, but I feel female when I have sex 

Labels are for jam jars, not people.

This is a good discussion, brings up a topic my therapist and I go 'round and 'round on.

Seemingly lots of "fetish" when I was "closeted" -- mostly because I could not integrate two gender identities. Then I began to realize that I'm cis-Male, but Gender ID as trans-female.

My therapist asks, "Where do you ID between "trans" and "fetish"

And so "in the closet" there was a lot of "fetish" because the ID was not integrated. ID was fractured, dysfunctional, indistinct. Then I learned from a trans-woman in transition M to F, how to integrate gender expression -- how to make somewhat ambiguous gender presentations.

Mostly I grew hair past my shoulders, no secondary male body hair (shaved, not hormones), triple pierced earlobes and ear bangles that are all over the place gender wise, unisex clothing and women's clothing that is gender neutral: shorts, cargo pants, hoodies, pull overs, tank tops, beach sandals. (We live in a west coast recreation area, rec. casual is the style for both genders.)

I don't wear dresses. Etymologically, "skirt" and "shirt" are the same Anglo-Saxon word. The Patriarchy extended the "shirt" on women and removed their pants -- primarily to provide sexual access. Dresses feel sexy as hell, and I have my share. They're INTENDED to induce fetish/sexual feelings, because the wearer is without pants and sexually exposed. Heaps of female fashion is intended to drape the cis-F form with sexually provocative styles, lots of skin, peeks and glimpses.



http://everydayetymology.tumblr.com/post/41313289924/shirt-from-old-english-scyrte-skirt-tunic

"shirt"

From Old English scyrte "skirt, tunic," from Common Germanic *skurtijon "a short garment", from Proto-Indo-European *sker "to cut". Our word "skirt" was borrowed from Old Norse "skyrta" (also from *skurtijon), after the "sk" in English changed to "sh". So "skirt" and "shirt" once were the same word, but changed slightly in meaning and pronunciation and now are distinct! The words "shear", "short", and "curt" come from this root too, as something cut is subsequently short.

I'm staunch anti-Patriarchal, feminist political. We don't do dresses, heels, make-up, panty-hose. And neither do most of my cis-Sisters!


No interest in "passing" as cis-Female. Let's do a graphic:

Cis-Female 4, 3, 2, 1, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, Cis-Male 

Most of the time I present, ID somewhere to the right of ZERO  between 0 and 2, maybe 3 for reasons, like riding the Harley.

NOW THAT I'M OPENLY COMFORTABLE WITH MY ID --

Cis-M.

Orientation is exclusively toward cis-Female, but a huge element of "gender envy" integrated here.

ID is trans- . . . somewhere in the midst. Not "femme" female, not passing as female. Cis-Male ID alienates, even threatens me because of my experiences with male sexual abuse.

IMPORTANT here to note I am not sexually active. Being not sexually active simplifies orientation immensely.  I'm 67, and have been me all my life. Not going to change who I am, but will work on how I present.

I have a Sof' Butch Lesbian colleague, an MD -- "You're no more cis-F than I am cis-M. We're NOT BROKEN, and shouldn't need invasive medical intervention to be who we are. HRT is scary stuff, surgery is dangerous, expensive, and in a very real sense for some of us a sort of 'costume' that strives to change the "US" we've been all our lives. Trans is not a medical issue. Trans is a SOCIAL issue."



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"Sex" is physical, the shape of your physiology. I'm cis-Male (cis is
Latin for "on this side of")

"Orientation" is who you find sexually attractive. I'm sexually
attracted to cis-Female, although it's more about "gender-envy -- "I
wish I could look like that." than any sort of motive for sexual union.
It's very convoluted, "non-hetero-normative."

"Gender" is who you ID or desire to ID as a socio-cultural presentation.
Gender is "who you go to bed as . . . " -- In the rare instances I have
sex with cis-Females, I invariably have this relationship as a
trans-female -- Cis-Male physical sex, Female gender ID.

Google is very up to speed on all these concepts, theories, terms . . .
Most of the Judith Butler sites online are counterfeit. I have personal
email from Judith Butler, discussing "Non-Hetero-Normative." Gender
theory is one of my graduate fields.

Quote from: Micah (Alecia) on August 13, 2015, 03:04:21 PM
I have to agree with you here take myself for example sure cross dressing, may have started as a fetish for me but overtime I realized that I am just being who I really am and was not doing it for pleasure. I also agree that I'm not male either when I have sex I may be male by birth, but I feel female when I have sex

"Cross-Dressing" --

I'm not "crossing" anything. I wear what authentically, pragmatically works for me. If it happens to be "female" then I get the added benefit of making an overt political statement about gender ID and who we are, who we are comfortable being.

I understand what you're going through, PAcd. I've been down a similar road and come a lot further, so I can offer some useful thoughts. First of all, what you are experiencing, while not easily labeled, is pretty common. There are doubtless many more people in the world like you than transsexual folks. I believe people who make such erotic associations manifesting oneself or other males as feminine is simply another sexual attraction category, different from, but as respectable as gay or bisexual.

You seem most disturbed by the fact that you consider yourself "straight", but are attracted to feminine genetic males. I believe society's designation of "straight" and "homosexual" are a bit flawed. There seem to be more categories. I think many or most males who consider themselves only attracted to women are in fact attracted to femininity-- not necessarily to the female. This is certainly the case for me. Genitalia is not as much a requirement for attraction as secondary traits that suggest the feminine.

Another consideration is that in regard to sex, most of us experience a sort of Jekyll/Hyde phenomenon. Research has shown that when people are sexually aroused their interests and opinions often change radically from their normal mental state. Basically, some of us become a different person when turned on. The more you try to fit yourself into social conventions the more pronounced this effect seems to be. The best solution is to allow your two personas to cross over to an extent. Widen your life. Loosen up. Allow yourself to a bit on the "weird" side. Once you allow some of your more hidden self you in the open, you'll be much happier in the long run.