warning that this is gonna be really negative. also, sorry for ignoring basic grammar rules. i cant be bothered.

all i do lately is lay in bed. i'm just so sad, and i guess its depression. thats what a doctor would diagnose me with anyways. but along with just being sad, i also feel unreal.

its like i look down at my body, but i dont feel like its mine. i dont feel like i own it, or like im truly in control of myself. its like im just a robot going through the motions, but then at night i lie awake for hours and hours trying to find if theres really any part of me buried deep beneath my skin. because i dont know who i am. i really dont. normally i call myself a nonbinary boy but i dont even know if i feel like one. its like i dont feel like anything. my bodys female but my head hurts too much and is too numb to think about what my gender is. i dont feel real, i really dont.

i just want to be one of those people who can go out into the world and say "this is who i am" but i cant. i dont know who i am. everything is numb but filled with anxiety at the same time. i dont even know if im making sense, im not making sense to myself.

its like i dont control my body, and i dont understand my mind.

its terrifying. i just want to know who i am, i want that certainty. i want to unwaveringly feel something, but i'm just sad and numb all the time. i spend more hours sleeping than i do awake.

i want to wake up one day and feel okay, feel comfortable and feel like i own my body. i want to feel a sense of self that i can grasp onto.

im sorry i really have no idea why im posting this. i just have so much that im thinking and i dont know why, i really dont. i just want to be okay.

i dont know. i guess if anyone else has felt this way let me know because right now i just feel so abnormal.

Hey there - sounds like you are feeling very disassociated from yourself and depressed. It might be worth having a chat with a doctor about possible solutions and treatments. I know that gender dysphoria can make us feel disassociated from our bodies, our lives and ourselves but when it has reached a level you are describing, and been like that for a while, you need to find a circuit breaker just to help get you back on a better footing - hopefully a doctor can help there.

It sounds like you are in a really rough place; I've been there, it sucks, and I am really sorry. It took a really really long time for me to figure out what and who I was and wanted to be. Hell, I still don't have it figured out, I'm just a little closer than I was before.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to find someone you trust and can talk to about this stuff. Having people around you who understand and support you can make a huge difference. Depending on where you live, a lot of areas have trans "support" groups that meet in real time.

Take a deep breath, do something that makes you happy. I hope you're feeling better soon.