Hi, everyone!  I'm new here and I'd like to introduce myself.  I'm Liz,  a 36-year-old pre-everything TG woman from New England.  I'm married to a lovely, amazing, dynamic lady and have two wonderful sons ages 3 and 1.  This is my first time ever posting anything even semi-publicly about my real self, so I hope you'll forgive me if I come off as stiff or distant at first.  I'm not, really.  I'm just a bit scared.

I've known I was a girl from a very early age, but my relationship with my parents made me think that they wouldn't be too thrilled about the idea of losing a son but gaining a daughter.  I kept that side of myself as secret as I could, and before I went to sleep at night I'd pray that I would wake up as a girl, or that I could at least be one in my dreams.  I wasn't a very happy kid once I hit puberty, and looking back I think it had a lot more to do with my dysphoria than I realized at the time.

Once I was out on my own and the feelings hadn't gone away, I went to see a counselor who specialized in TG issues.  It didn't go well.  Two or three sessions in, she started insisting that I begin coming out to my friends.  When I told her I didn't know whether I was ready for that yet and felt like I needed to work out what I wanted for myself first, she told me she couldn't help me unless I started showing some courage.  I didn't go back.

I still struggle with self-confidence today, but back then I was much, much worse.  My first experience with someone associated with the TG community had been a disaster, and in my mind it meant I wasn't welcome unless I was willing to let a stranger bully me into making life decisions I wasn't comfortable with.  Silly, of course, and I wish now that I hadn't let it set me back as much as it did.  But at the time I felt like I had to give up the idea of doing anything about my dysphoria and resign myself to living as a man as well as I could.

Ten years passed.  I fell in love, got married, and became part of a wonderful new family that supports and sustains me in a way my parents never did.  I still knew I had been born into the wrong body, but for a while it seemed like I might not have to do anything about that. 

Now I'm not so sure.  On one hand, I hate the idea of depriving my children of a father, or my wife of her husband.  I feel selfish and horrible for even considering something that would at the very least be stressful and disruptive for the family I love.  Part of me wants to kick myself for not transitioning ten years ago when I was single and didn't have anyone relying on me, but I just can't imagine living in a world where I never met my wife or my sons had never been born.  I love them all too much to wish I'd taken another path.

But I don't know if I can spend the next thirty or forty years pretending to be a man, either.  It's never been easy, and over the last year or so it's become nearly impossible.  I spend every day wishing I could be set free to live as the woman I've always been inside.  I hate looking at myself in the mirror.  I hate the sound of my own voice and the clothes I have to wear.

I haven't told anyone any of this.  When I met and married my wife I was still believing that I could still be content as a woman in a man's body, as long as I had a family who loved me and a reason to get up in the morning.  I'm kind of ashamed to realize that I was probably wrong.  If I decide to take the plunge and transition my wife will need to know first, and I think (I hope, I pray) that she'll understand and support me.  But there are a few things I feel like I need to work out for myself before I do that -- more on that in another post; this one's long enough already.

I'm sorry.  I'm not usually this long-winded or this depressing.  But I've kept this inside me all my life and I guess I have more to say about it than I thought.  If you made it this far, thanks for reading.  I'm so glad to have found a supportive community where I can be myself and hopefully figure out where I go from here.  Looking forward to getting to know you all and to supporting everyone as best I can.

Best wishes and hugs,
Liz


 

Hi Liz, welcome to Susan's.

No worries about being long winded, we are here to support each other and share our stories. I can understand your conflict with regards to your family and being the woman you know yourself to be. It isn't easy either way. I do know that some marriages succeed beyond transition and young children seem to adjust to it just fine.

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Welcome! You're not in this alone!

Welcome to the forum! Thanks for sharing your story, it might be useful for you to talk about these issues with a counsellor to try and straighten out your thoughts and feelings and what you might like to do.

A big warm welcome to Susan's Liz...

Thanks for a considered introduction;

I knew who I was just a year after you... 4... I recall once asking a Dr "why can't I be a girl" he just turned to my Mum and said don't be alarmed he'll grow out of it (errr?)... so I become secretive and withdrawn... the thing is, those feelings, desires and emotional pressures never go away, some handle and manage it, like me, others have not so well. I married, lived the male role model (hating it) had kids and now grandkids... now leaving it as long as I have, its even harder  to unravel it all (guilt and possible damage to all and possible loss of my family weighs heavy in my mind). Just an FYI!

I would agree with Grace, I did not have those options, well that I knew about, all those years ago... It is a really hard decision and maybe its something that needs to happen jointly with your wife and a counsellor to help as an intermediary... At the end of the day only you know who you are and what you really want, and of course how much it may upset you by not following your path, if the choice be the path of transitioning.

I hope this helps a little

Lovely having you join us here and I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Hi Liz, welcome to Susan's. It really comes down to you need and can handle. Relationships can and survive transition. A therapist would be a good next step. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah 


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Hello Liz and welcome to Susan's. I understand your concern about her wife and children. That was my concern when I came out to my spouse ten years ago. I was married 25 years at the time. Today we are still together. My grown son is accepting and so is my granddaughter.

Hi Liz 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Wow... THANK YOU all so much for the warm welcome and the words of encouragement!!  I can't tell you how wonderful it is to find a place that's so accepting and friendly.  I definitely agree with everyone who suggested counseling as a next step -- I have a great therapist who I've been seeing for awhile and I think I will bring all of this up with her.  She isn't a specialist in TG issues but at the very least she can point me in the right direction.

It's especially encouraging to hear that Gennee and Katrina were in almost exactly the same situation I am.  Gennee, I'm so happy to hear that you and your spouse are still together!  It gives me hope that things might be the same for me.  Honestly, I think my wife is more likely than most to support me and stay with me if I transition.  She's open-minded, has a good friend who is a trans woman, and is VERY strongly opposed to divorce in all but the most extreme circumstances.  Logcally speaking, I should like those odds.