Sigh.... I really don't want to say too much about this right now. Some kid last night was calling me "bro," "f----t," and "a man," and I totally flipped out on him. Thing is, nobody was around when the former happened, so I just made myself look like an awful person. And when I made my point about the former, he claimed he had no idea what I was talking about.

So then I doubted myself. "Was it really him?" Then I felt like an awful person, like a monster, and apologized sheepishly.

But of course it was him! The whole thing has me twisted up in knots: never-ending trans harassment, guilt, gaslighting, and that switch in my head that flips when I'm pushed to the edge. When that switch flips, I go away, and something else takes over.

It's like there's some part of my dad in there that I can't get rid of. I keep sabotaging myself. Or like last night, somebody pushes me over the edge, and I end up feeling like a monster.

It's like this is never going to end. I had to go so long, living every day of my life in fear, simply for being myself, as many of us do. As of late, I've had a lot of passing privilege. So this really felt like it came out of nowhere.

And it goes deeper. I had a serious accident as a kid and have dealt with partial paralysis ever since. So throughout my childhood, I got a lot of hell for that. And sometimes as an adult, I still do. Say, maybe I take longer to cross the street than some motorist would like, and they blare their horn and yell terrible things at me. That's when I lose it, and I really don't know how to keep my mouth shut.

I guess I just make a lot of poor decisions, too.

So all my life, I've more or less had to assume any given person was my enemy. Or maybe I just choose to. Like I said, I make a lot of bad decisions. And it's really unfortunate, because I genuinely like people. I truly believe that each of us, in who we are at our core, is utterly fantastic.

So I guess I'll just keep dealing with awful people, making the worst of it, and ruining my life and reputation? Probably.

Hang in there.

Sometimes when someone says something we snap because all the stress, we let loose. That person gets hit with more than what is deserved. Tomorrow is another day and I bet he does not make that mistake again.

Can you feel sorry for people like that? The people who won't let you cross the street, the people who won't accept your identity, they're missing out. They're forced to go through life being small-minded, petty, and lacking in empathy. It's not a good way to be.

The problem is you are still so new to all this you aren't completely comfortable with yourself. It takes a long time but those names don't bother me because I know they aren't me or true. It's pretty much like when you don't pass in public, you reach the point where the stares don't bother you. At this point in the game, don't beat your self up over it because it will happen but over time it should be less of a problem.

The view from my side is a bit different because I have a twisted sense of humor. When somebody sired me because of my voice, I want to come back with a well thought out remark but I do need to restrain my self as well.

It wasn't even like it bothered me too much. I just thought, "Well that kid's an idiot." Then I got the idea to explain to him why harassing a trans person isn't okay. He ignored me by staring at his phone, and that really set me off. Then the whole thing got ugly, and well, I'm too embarrassed with myself to go back to the skatepark for a long time.

You should go today to the skate park.

It was not the first time he was yelled at and it will not be the last. I am sure he forgot about it already.

You are embarrassed because you lost it. You were provoked and you reacted and that is human. Allow yourself a little slack and enjoy some skating today.

I skated in West L.A. back in the late 1970's, and back then I got picked on all the time for being a shrimpy, effeminate guy even when I was trying to be as macho as I possibly could.  Getting road rash while skating and nearly drowning trying to learn how to surf was about as macho as I got.

Do you remember the scene in "The Lords of Dogtown" where there were fistfights and car vandalism over territory?  It was really like that.  If you weren't one of them, if you didn't fit in, you took your life in your hands even skating alone on a piece of pavement they regarded as "theirs."

If I had tried to actually dress fem in public back then in a place like a skatepark it would not have been one comment from one guy.  I would have been beaten to death.

Don't feel bad about being picked on for being partially paralyzed.  I have Aspergers and Dyspraxia, and I never had the coordination to learn much more than a 180 kickturn at the top of a half pipe. And yes I have been picked on many times for my lack of physical coordination.

You live in a far more tolerant society than the one I grew up in, and it became more tolerant through a long, long series of small changes, one person at a time, one perception at a time.  And that is why you have to go back to the skatepark.  You fight for acceptance not just for yourself, but for all of us.  And know that my thoughts and prayers will be with you every time you go out there.

"Gaslighting", in itself, is a serious form of emotional abuse. It causes the person to doubt his/her own memories, and thus opens the door to even more abuse--with a perfect alibi for the abuser.

If someone denies an event that you know to be true (and you know s/he knows to be true)...give him/her both barrels! I cannot overemphasis this!

Never apologize for standing up for yourself. Never call yourself any names (as in, "Gee, I was such a monster when I lit into that person...")