Sorry if everything is all scattered or typos. I have ADD, well I'm always tired, so maybe ADHD. I'll try my best.

I don't have many memories of my childhood. Maybe like 5 minutes worth of information. But I remember I had reoccurring nightmares, where everything would be fixed by me transforming into a kind and gentle girl with long blond hair around age 20. These dreams started when I was about 5 or 6. My parents had pretty strong gender views. My dad would always brag about his football days and considered money to be his way of caring. My mom always had me do all the strong work in the house because I was boy and always cooked the family dinners. I was jealous of my sister. She always was spoiled by parents, where I was ignored for the most part. When she wasn't home, I would often steal her stuffed animals and barbies and play with them. I didn't really like the stuff that the other boys where into, but I followed suit when I went out to play. I played sports and destroyed things and eventually started to ignore these feelings.

Later down the road in 5th grade, everyone was asked what job they wanted when the grow up. Everyone know what they wanted to be, but when it came to me, I said I wanted to be a stay at home dad, everyone looked at me weird. I always assumed that is was because my dad was almost never home, but now that I look back at it, I think it was what I thought the role of woman was. I then started getting into video games. The female characters I always found more appealing, still do. I love games where there is a strong female role. My wife isn't so found of it though. I always have to make an excuse like you can't choose a gender for that class or that all male characters look stupid. She knows about me and is pretty accepting, but she doesn't understand it at all.

All through high school and college I kept doubting whether I was gay or not. I secretly liked romance movies, the color pink, fruity and flowery scented lotions, pop music, fashion, baking cookies, and I can rate a guys attractiveness on a scale out of 10 just as easily as I can girls. But unfortunately I'm straight. It would make things a lot less confusing, and I wouldn't be embarrassed by the things I do.

I've been pretty much in hiding for the last 25 years. Every attempt I've made to be seen more for who I am has ended in disappointment. I've heard the phrase stop acting gay so many times in my lifetime. One time I bought myself a heart necklace because I thought it looked pretty. I wore it for awhile until one day I got a flat tire out in the country. I was about to change until these two guys stopped and changed the tire for me. Afterwards one of them asked me out on a date. It was very sweet of him and it was cute how nervous he was when he asked, but at the same time I was a little grossed out by it. I very kindly rejected him and never wear the necklace again.

I've been holding out mostly because I don't want people assuming I'm gay. I've had some gay friends, so it's not like I'm against them. It's just that's not who I am. But to the same extent, they don't see how I am anyways. So I don't know. Lately I haven't been so happy with hiding who I am. It's not only this though. Like I would have blue hair, piercings, and tattoos, but I don't want people to avoid talking to me because they see as being different.

I do know what I want though. I don't want to transition. I have extremely manly features, except for my long curly eyelashes. Favorite part of my body. I would make an ugly looking woman, and I'm pretty attractive guy, not model attractive, but attractive. Plus knowing I wasn't born as a woman, would always make me feel incomplete. And for me, no female body equals no female clothes. I would like to be able to wear jewelry and make-up, but I know how people would look at me. I'm not saying I never will, but it does scare me. I just want to be to act and talk to people without having to censor myself. But I've gotten so used to doing it, that even when I'm by myself I forget to be myself.

Big warm welcome to Susan's Yakayla

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A good place to start identifying your true self should be with a Gender therapist, much of what you say I can relate to in earlier years, in fact most can... the only person that really knows who you really are and how you want to be seen is yourself, by seeing a therapist the discussions will help you to define yourself.

Oh BTW would love your eyelashes by the sounds of it 

Best wishes for that journey. I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

Hi

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

Hi Yakayla, I'm new here too, and I understand where you're at.  Growing up I always gravitated more towards female video game and comic book characters.  I feel like it was (and still is for me) a way to live vicariously through strong female characters.  I've actually channeled this to help me explore my feminine side.  Quite literally half of the women's clothing that I own is Harley Quinn themed, and I wouldn't let your manly features get you down.  I basically have Captain America's jawline, but with the right contouring I'm able to hide it quite a bit.
I hope at least some of this helps.  I look forward to seeing you on here! 

Hi hi Yakayla,

Are you me?

I remember having long hair and earrings in the 80s, and everyone thinking I was gay. It's a different feeling though. You're not alone, and you're welcome.

I don't have anyone to talk to in real life either and it's been good for me to talk here.

See you around.

Sorry didn't realized there was an intro section. My bad.

Thank you all for the warm welcomes. <3 It will be really nice to be able to talk to like minded people.

I can't really do the the whole therapy bit. I have a bad habit of becoming a perfect liar in front of therapists and cops trying to give me a speeding tickets. And it's not like I really mean to. I've gone to two therapists before. The first one I saw when I was kid and got caught stealing like 10 times. I turned around the conversation into nothing but sports for three sessions. Some men are just too easy. And the second time I was very depressed in college, and failing out of school. I talked about my smallest issue, and convinced her that it was because of my ADD and not my emotional problems that was giving me trouble at school. After about 5 sessions and an iq test, I got a note saying I could take extra time on my tests(which was actually helpful), and she said it wasn't necessary to come back, but that my mother should come and see her.

But since this is for introductions. I kinda feels like my introduction didn't have enough about who I am more just the history of me.

I'm a hobbyist. I like to do many different thing and as long as it's not too expensive, willing to try out any new hobby. I like sewing, baking, writing stories and poems, drawing, singing, watching anime, number puzzles like sudoku, designing video games, and learning different languages. English is my main language, I can hold a conversation in Dutch, and I know some Japanese, but I forgot a lot. And I'm learning the basics of German and Turkish right.

My favorite colors are pink, blue, and black. In that order.
I listen to a lot of music. Mostly pop, punk, darkwave, trip-hop, rap, and rock.
I love cute stuff. We have stuffed animals scattered throughout the house.
I have a bunny and two mice. I also want a hedgehog and a fennec fox. But I don't think that's legal here.
I love romantic comedies(Ever After and D.E.B.S.), but I'm also into drama and action.

I'm glad I found this place. I've tried some other places before, but like it usually took 3 day for one reply to come, and let's just say they weren't always helpful.

here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885

well concerning therapists your situation is completely different now.
Its not for you to hide something.
Its for you to have a partner to talk through deep feelings and thoughts, so you might get a better view of yourself, to understand yourself better and to do things that might make you a bit more happy.
There is nothing to hide any more. Its ok to talk. And you will find quite a few people have similar thoughts.

You might look here for example:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193940.msg1728806.html#msg1728806

There is a chat on susans by the way.
You might use your own chat client, its written on the top to the right of the page.


hugs

I think it might be helpfull to try and figure out why you dont want people thinking your gay. What a lot of people seem to misunderstand is that "transition" isnt about going from male to female or female to male. Its about taking steps to exspress your inner self, regardless of where you sit on the social spectrum.

From what ive read, at this moment in time, social "transition" for you would be presenting yourself in jewelry and make up, as well as learning to be more comfatable while exspressing all of this.

QuoteMy favorite colors are pink, blue, and black. In that order.
I listen to a lot of music. Mostly pop, punk, darkwave, trip-hop, rap, and rock.
I love cute stuff. We have stuffed animals scattered throughout the house.
I have a bunny and two mice. I also want a hedgehog and a fennec fox. But I don't think that's legal here.
I love romantic comedies(Ever After and D.E.B.S.), but I'm also into drama and action

And learning to deal with people useing these characteristics to misinterpret your "sexuality"

I think I understand how, people assuming your gay can become exstreamly annoying. I guess its similer to being A transeual and being mis gendered.

This might be enougth for you

Welcome to Susan's Yakayla I am relatively new hear as well, I also have no one I can talk to in real life. Lets just say people are not always the most understanding, but the few days I have been here everyone has been so nice and understanding it is great to have at least one place where I can be myself. I know how you feel with looking to masculine I have this problem as well I have chest hair that is almost as thick as a carpet (thinking about getting it removed) and a fairly deep voice. Right now I am just trying to get things figured out but I am on the right path, anyway I am rambling welcome to the family Yakayla enjoy your time her

Alecia (Micah) 

Hi Lakayla and welcome to Susan's. I liked pink and flowers when I was growing up. I never tied it to gender issues (that came much later). I haven't transitioned either (don't plan to). I have lived as a transgender woman for the past decade and have never been happier. You're not alone.

I think that I'm feeling a little shy. Like I wanna reply to everyone and it makes me happy to read your comments, but I just don't what to say or where to even start. lol I feel silly about it. Since I can talk pretty much about anything for crazy amounts of time. I guess I'll get the hang of it or something. But thank you everyone. Just cause I might not have replied to you definitely, doesn't mean I didn't read your post.

I kinda feel like I did when I was playing an online fashion game. Like I feel like I can't be on this forum when my wife is around. When I have talked to her about it, she just doesn't quite understand and that get frustrating really fast. It's not like I'm really trying to hide this from her, but she wants me to talk about my issues with only her, and that's not good enough for me. I feel like maybe the best way for her to understand is if I show her little by little. But maybe I'm just being too shy about it. And it's my fault that I hide my real self from other people and even myself, and I know she'll blame herself.

On a positive note. I forced myself to be loud and bubbly girl all day like I am in my head, instead of the quiet and calm guy I let people see. It makes me feel nervous to do it, but I'm tired of hiding. And today felt really good. Well night everyone. It's pretty late here.

Hi Yakayla, welcome to Susan's. No worries. So many of us started out that shy and some remain that way to this day. No need tow worry about replying to everyone. We understand. I have no doubt. It's a lot for anyone to wrap their head around so the fact she is having trouble isn't a surprise. It's par for the course. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah