So this Saturday, for my fourth ever therapy session, My therapist is having me bring in my mom, older sister, and I'm bringing my best friend along too. And we're gonna talk about my, as my T puts it 'Treatment plan'.

My mom read up on some trans articles I gave her and then she read one she found that had to do with hormones and surgeries and whatnot and asked me if that was all stuff I wanted, to which I said  yeah. But I get the sense from her that she thinks it's all happening REALLY fast.

And to her it is. She's only known about me being trans for less than a month and already my therapist and I are talking about hormones and transitioning while she has yet to really wrap her head around the fact I'm NOT a girl. I told her it's hard to explain and whatnot, but her obvious concerns and doubt just bring on the onslaught of 'Am I going to make the right choice with this', 'Am I making things up', 'Is this me being impulsive again?', 'Will Testosterone and boob removal really make me happy?(I cannot see that answer being anything but yes, with my only concern being future baldness...)''

And then there's the fact that I passed as a guy today at starbucks when the barista told a lady who went for my tea that 'that's not yours, that's /his/'  and I felt very satisfied and happy.
And then feeling like I'm holding myself back while I have this female body. Like I don't want to go to college or take any classes until I can feel more comfortable with myself... because I wouldn't be able to handle school along with feeling depressed over my body every night.

I get doubts. Then I don't know WHY I have doubts. It's like I care a lot about what my mom and my older sister think, but on the other hand, I know I need to take care of myself.

Not even going to touch the subject w/ my dad and older sister even though I still live with everyone, but APPARENTLY my mother is talking to my father about a lot of these things and on top of that, he has to deal with his mom being in and out of hospitals and nursing homes and generally not doing OK, so I don't know why she's stressing him out with this stuff without telling me she was telling him. UGh.

Why is life complicated

I wish I was just born a cis male. Or a cis female.

Or a happy lesbian.

But nope. I get the queer/bi/confused male trans deck of cards.

The thing is I really doubt that you've really had these feeling for only a month. A lot of people that I've read about start having these feelings ever since they were little. And if that's the case for you, things aren't moving too fast, but have been moving way too slow for way too long. It's perfectly okay to be confused about what you really want. It's taken me 25 years to figure out what I really want and I'm still not 100% sure about things, but if you know, you know. Just make sure that you sort out your thoughts and feeling, and let your mom know just how long these feelings have been going on for. Cause ya if your mom only thinks you have been feeling like a man for a month, of course she's gonna have doubts. It sounds like you have an awesome mom. Those are all questions of someone who really cares and loves you. She just wants to make sure that if you do this, it won't make you unhappy or have regret.

Oh I didn't clarify that in the OP? No, I've definitely not had these feelings for a month, they've just been WORSE this last month since really acknowledging being trans.

I've had these feelings on and off for at least 10 years, distinctly remember trying to be a boy when 9. I've always been a tomboy, always complained about how much I hated my period, always dressed unisex for the most part, refused(and still do) to wear bras that aren't sports bras, etc. So it's not like my behaviour is new.... It's just this last month since I really put a name to how I've always felt that my dypshoria's been amped up.

But I know that I'm on the right path when I close my eyes(or stare blankly at nothing) and picture myself in the future. First as a girl, then second as a boy.

First image I see not much different than now. Going on life just as I always have, being OK for the most part except at night or when the dysphoria gets really bad, having anxiety, and just not doing much...

Then picturing myself male, maybe my expectations are too high, but I can picture myself doing the stuff I've always done and want to do but A LOT HAPPIER than I am now.

Self doubt and denial is apart of the process. When I first came to terms with myself I had SO MUCH doubt, but after that terrifying part of the process everything made so much sense to me. There was a reason I didn't relate to other girls when I was growing up. There was a reason I chose to have male friends as a teenager instead of female friends. After reviewing my life a wave of revelations crashed down upon me and I realized I was trans. The same will happen to you. It gets easier dude.

I'm definitely in the self doubt spot... but I think I've already gone through the denial since I'm not denying that I'm trans, I'm just slightly pissed off. Having identified as genderfluid or gender neutral for the last year or so and never really liking to be called a girl or any feminine gender markers...

I hate stressing out my family, though, like, that's a big thing. I hate being seen as an inconvenience or annoyance or anything like that...

The self doubt period is so hard. I went through that for a couple months and my anxiety was killing me by the end of it. Don't feel like your stressing out your family. If your family doesn't accept your process than they aren't worth being around.

Yeah, the anxiety's no fun.

I think all my issues and doubts are even more amped up with /shark week/ on its way.... I long for the day I no longer have to deal with the crimson horror.

Are you saying you're getting a hysterectomy soon? I can't wait until I get mine done. Get this evil uterus OUTTA HERE. I also can't wait until I get top surgery.

Quote from: MeganeRei on August 18, 2015, 03:19:04 AM
Yeah, the anxiety's no fun.

I think all my issues and doubts are even more amped up with /shark week/ on its way.... I long for the day I no longer have to deal with the crimson horror.

Cheer up, you'll figure it out when the time is right. And I love that you call it shark week. That's so cute. <3

Oh you know how it is, the whole 'loosing a daughter' and 'why can't you just be..' deal, right?

MeganeRei, I didn't catch your age but it sounded like you were 19? It also sounds like you're mom is trying. So that's a good thing. Hope the meeting goes well. G'luk

Edit: WOOPS! Addressed wrong person! Fixed.

Quote from: Espeon1990 on August 18, 2015, 03:27:35 AM
Are you saying you're getting a hysterectomy soon? I can't wait until I get mine done. Get this evil uterus OUTTA HERE. I also can't wait until I get top surgery.

Me? Not soon. T will come first so hopefully that will get rid of it until I do get a hysto. I REALLY want top surgery too! Gotta get that extra weight off my chest that feels so /wrong/ ugh.

Quote from: Yakayla on August 18, 2015, 03:35:07 AM
Cheer up, you'll figure it out when the time is right. And I love that you call it shark week. That's so cute. <3

I saw other transguys call it shark week and found it to be a  very accurate image... gorey... feels like a creature with two rows of teeth is shredding your insides and chewing on your legs and abdomen for a few days.... Lots of fun.

The OP in in this thread was MeganeRei, Pony. not me.

Quote from: MeganeRei on August 18, 2015, 03:43:38 AM
I saw other transguys call it shark week and found it to be a  very accurate image... gorey... feels like a creature with two rows of teeth is shredding your insides and chewing on your legs and abdomen for a few days.... Lots of fun.

lol I can tell how much you greatly enjoy it xD *buys you chocolate and ice cream for the up coming horror*

I hear you guys on shark week, mine will start this week here, can't wait to get on t and hopefully it will end soon after I start t.  Being able to stick a tampon in and not see or feel anything for hours is my only way of getting through the week now. I want to be rid of those parts ASAP but top surgery will be first I think.

I can't stand tampons if I'm being honest lol. (it's not even a dysphoria thing, I just hate them)
At least with pads there's more bulk and it reminds me of packing a bit lol


But I woke up today and once again I'm feeling conflicted. I guess it's just more stuff to bring up in therapy. I know my dad will most likely not be on board for any of this, but considering I am 18, I wonder if he's really allowed to stop me if it's what I choose to do.

I dunno. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow or Thursday when I get to go pick up my first real packer from the post office 8D

So apparently my dad was looking at some FtM trans before and after pics and was like, really surprised how much change happens with how you look, and he more or less referred to me with male pronouns while talking to mom about it?

She said he's working on wrapping his mind around it and I'm still just... utterly shocked my parents and family are taking all this as well as they have, though my journey is still beginning.... I'm just so surprised, and really grateful

Quote from: Espeon1990 on August 18, 2015, 03:49:29 AM
The OP in in this thread was MeganeRei, Pony. not me.

Err yeah, typo'd wrong name. Fixed my previous post. The question was meant for MeganeRei. Woopsi! Thanks E.

Quote from: Pony on August 18, 2015, 10:49:19 PM
Err yeah, typo'd wrong name. Fixed my previous post. The question was meant for MeganeRei. Woopsi! Thanks E.

Pony, I'll be 19 at the end of January, so I'm only 18 right now =) But yeah I'm sure they'll all still have to go through the grieving process of losing their daughter/sister/etcetera. I'm thinking everything will be okay, though...

Quote from: MeganeRei on August 18, 2015, 10:34:23 PM
So apparently my dad was looking at some FtM trans before and after pics and was like, really surprised how much change happens with how you look, and he more or less referred to me with male pronouns while talking to mom about it?

She said he's working on wrapping his mind around it and I'm still just... utterly shocked my parents and family are taking all this as well as they have, though my journey is still beginning.... I'm just so surprised, and really grateful

That's awesome to hear. I'm happy for you. *hugs*