Content note: discussion of suicide.

(Not really about being TG, hope that is okay.)

The past three days, I've been waking up at around 4:00 a.m. feeling really afraid.  It's this feeling that I've unthinkingly made some choice or done something that has irreversably doomed me to be cut off from the human race, either already or at some time in the future.  So that I'll be utterly alone and on my own, and sooner or later I'll need some help from someone else, only there'll be nobody, and I'll be screwed.

It's a feeling I've had over and over again as far back as I can remember.  This time, it seems to have been triggered by my buying a new car, one that is smaller than my old one.  My waking up terrified started the night after I picked it up from the dealer.  Even awake, I keep worrying that I've made some dreadful, unrectifiable mistake and doomed myself for life.

It seems to tie in with one aspect of my depression: when my depression kicks into high(-er) gear, what I mostly notice is that I can't get things done.  Even the tiniest decision or task fills me with such anxiety that it can take days or weeks to get to it.  I noticed that happening about a week ago, and have switched to the higher dose of antidepressant.  (It's okay, my psychiatrist and I go back and forth with the doses; sometimes we decide I need the higher one, sometimes I can get away with half of that.)  But my "night terrors" continue.

There's a tenuous connection to TG: I've more or less decided to transition (I'm trying to find a TG-friendly endo), and I worry that my social connections, which are pretty tenuous now, will get made even worse by my transitioning and/or living as a trans woman.


It's funny, but I was just thinking that maybe this anxiety is why I'm still alive.  Last night, someone on the radio was telling of his time working a suicide hot line, and he said he was told that one of the biggest danger signs is if a caller says, "I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop."

Well, I've felt that way, on and off, for at least the past 50 years and somehow I'm still alive.  But when I'm in that state and visualizing what I'd do, I also get the same sort of terror as I've been having these past few nights: I'm terrified of making irreversable choices.  So I just dither in misery, and after a few hours or days, I manage to repress the pain again and get on with life (sort of.)

I can only remember one episode of waking up in abject terror, with my heart pounding so hard I could hear my blood sloshing in my veins.  That happened on the day I knew I was going to lose my virginity, to the woman who would become my first wife.  She started cheating after six years of marriage and left me after eight and I lost everything, so there must have been something to that episode.

FWIW, I was plagued by vivid nightmares early in the sleep cycle and episodes of sleepwalking for most of my life.  They finally stopped for good when I came out to myself and started dressing female around the house and sleeping in panties and female PJ's.

I hope you can find a way to feel better.

Depression sucks. The worst part of depression is that it fogs our ability to see clearly, and the world looks like a terrifying, dreary place.

Do you have things that help you feel true to yourself? For me, it would be music, reading, writing, walking, and spending time with friends. It's probably different for you, but if there are things like that, can you use them to remind yourself that the view of the world that you're depression is showing you is deceptive? If not, might be worth looking for those things. They help.

Another thing that helps is get in touch with the joy you bring other people. If you find ways to bring joy to others, it can help you see past the depression-fog.

Don't know if this is right for you, but it's the best I got. I really hope some of it helps.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 21, 2015, 10:34:32 AM
Depression sucks. The worst part of depression is that it fogs our ability to see clearly, and the world looks like a terrifying, dreary place.

Most of the time, depression just makes me feel dead.  I go through the motions, forcing myself to do what I know I need to do or am supposed to do.  It's when I can't make myself do what I need to that I know that I need to up my meds.

Sometimes, though, I start feeling things, and then it's pure hell: the "I just want the pain to stop" hell.  "Fortunately" (ha ha), I soon go back to not feeling anything.

I think it's a survival strategy that I trained myself into when I was a child going though the hell that was 5th and 6th grade and for a few years after that.  "Stop feeling, stop caring, stop wanting" was my mantra for years.  Whenever I felt bad, which was most of the time, I'd repeat it to myself over and over again until the badness ebbed.  And forcing myself to do stuff, even biting or slapping myself to get myself to act, was how I kept going.

Quote from: suzifrommd on August 21, 2015, 10:34:32 AM
Do you have things that help you feel true to yourself? For me, it would be music, reading, writing, walking, and spending time with friends. It's probably different for you, but if there are things like that, can you use them to remind yourself that the view of the world that you're depression is showing you is deceptive?

Music used to help, but now I look at my instruments and I just feel meh.  I'm in a choir and a chorus, and when I'm rehearsing, it takes all of my attention to follow the music and sing what's written, so I'm not aware of being depressed.

I'm not sure if I can say I have friends -- there are a few people who seem glad to talk to me when I see them, but I'm not sure if it goes beyond that (my family was all about the appearance of caring without the substance.)  I'm always afraid if I really let them see the real me or ask them to treat me as a friend (as opposed to an acquaintance), they'll drop me like a hot rock.

Lately, I've been reading a lot of TG fiction  (mostly on story sites.)  I've even written some -- mostly for my own consumption, because writing and reading it makes me feel better -- but I've decided that some of it might be worth posting.  (I've posted two stories so far, and am preparing a third for posting.)

I do this --

Night sweats, nightmares, wake up anxious typically at 3 AM.

For me the cause is PTSD from childhood sex abuse. But lots of stuff sets it off, stress, threat, perceived threat. Anxiety is one side of the anxiety/depression diagnosis (which I have) . . .

This may or may not be, for you, related to gender orientation. In any case, it warrants professional psych. care.

Hi Asche, can I ask how old you are?

I've thought a lot about this issue since someone incredibly close to me took their life five years ago. It hurts like hell.

Night sweats and terrors are something I've experienced and, so did the person concerned: a lot. Can I also ask you if you are doing or have you done drugs? Just that there's a link I think with some psychosis triggers.

There are professionals who can help but I just want to give you a big virtual hug and tell you that you are loved and wanted in this world. Please please remember that, even when it seems like your darkest hour.

I love the idea of your writing and would love to read some. If that's your therapy, use it. Many a writer has been through the depths. It goes with the terrain of creative genius.

Chen x

Quote from: Richenda on August 25, 2015, 03:41:41 PM
Hi Asche, can I ask how old you are?

62, as of yesterday.

Quote from: Richenda on August 25, 2015, 03:41:41 PM
Can I also ask you if you are doing or have you done drugs? Just that there's a link I think with some psychosis triggers.

Nope,  unless you count smoking pot a few times back in my college days.  I don't even do much alcohol -- a few beers and a glass of wine or two per year (yes, year)

Quote from: Richenda on August 25, 2015, 03:41:41 PM
There are professionals who can help but I just want to give you a big virtual hug and tell you that you are loved and wanted in this world.

I'm seeing someone who has expertise in gender issues and in trauma, both of which are relevant.

I didn't reply sooner because I was away for a week, at a music and dance camp I go to every year.  Being in close contact with so many people (including some I care about and who care about me) for so long kind of shook things up, I'm still processing it.

Writing has always been my safety valve and general go-to activity when I'm dealing with stress or not being well.  I'm having problems with chronic illness at the moment and have started writing again which is helping.
Having worked as a social worker I'm familiar with the, 'I don't want to die, I just want the pain to stop' scenario, but it's a very different thing when the pain is your own and all the advice you've given to others sounds empty and hollow when you try to apply it to yourself.
I have problems with narcolepsy so for me falling asleep when under stress is all too darn inviting and easy.  The Dreamscape can become more desirable and 'real' for me than actually living in the here and now.  Night terrors is something I've never suffered with so I can't really offer any first hand advice unfortunately.