It seems like such a common issue that I don't want to just feel like I'm denying the possibility either. I just want to be able to talk about it, too make sure everything is all clear in my head. Cause it is a confusing thing.

Being born a woman would have the best thing ever. But this is the body I was born with. The one that I have learned to love and accept for the last 30 years. I've joked about switching bodies with my gf, but really I don't want to lose my body. If I transitioned, I'd feel like a part of me has died and I would always be looking in the mirror trying to see the old me. And even though I think like a girl, I'm able to understand men so much better than if I was born a woman. All my memories are already in 3rd person, I don't want them to feel even more alien to me.

I can't just ignore the life I had being a male. It just not right to me. Online I only want to be considered female, cause this is where my female body is, and is a big part of my life too. But in the real world. It doesn't matter to me whether someone calls to me as a male or female, as long as it's not both. Everyone is allowed to come to their own conclusion on how they want to see me, that's not something I want to force on people.

My body doesn't make me sad or anything. The only problems I have is my body hair. But not even sure if that's gender related issue, cause I don't understand why anyone would want body hair, no matter the sex. I don't like that I'm balding since the age of 14, but I came to terms with that, like 5 years ago when my wife said she didn't care that I was balding. And wigs are just no. Not my thing.

I do like wearing jewelry. I used to wear necklaces and bracelet every now and then. And plan on doing so, but I'm don't plan on wearing female jewelry, unless it could maybe be considered men's also. I like more the feeling of being able to accessorize over having to wear pink and shiny. When I see a girls necklace that I think is super pretty. I image it being on a girl that would look awesome with, I never really picture me. It'd be like a girl wearing a purple knit sweater with bright orange silky puffy pants. They just don't match.

The only thing not really sure about is makeup. I'm interested in it, but I don't really know my feelings towards it. I've had thought of painting my nails, wearing lipstick, and such. There was this guy at school, who would every day paint his nails black and wore heavy blue eye shadow. I thought he looked great. It really suited his style. But I'm not sure if it's something I really would want or just something I'm curious about. Just cause I never felt like I had the option before. I don't know, maybe.

I only know of one other girl that is kinda like this. But is it common? Does it seems like I'm just being all defensive, cause I know that I can be like that sometimes? Or anyone used to feel like this and completely changed their mind down the road? I just want to make sure about everything, and not spend another another 30 years of my life knowing I didn't want to transition and then realizing I was wrong. I'd say I'm like 95% sure I don't want to transition.

Yakayla, not everyone has dysphoria. How we are affected by our gender issues differs for each of us. No reason you should ever have to ignore who you were in the past. Those experiences make up a huge part of who you are. I know who I was is still a part of me and I'm thankful he got me to the point I could live on as the woman I was always meant to be. Everyone likes and dislikes different things. jewelry and makeup can be fun. You will find what you like and don't like overtime. I love makeup, but I also love the freedom of going out without it on. You need to find what works for you in time. You might try experimenting with different things. Just because you don't like one thing doesn't mean you won't another. Hugs
Mariah

I don't know your back ground but after reading your post I was wondering what made you consider transition in the first place Yakayla? and are any of those reasons still valid?

Not sure if this will help or not, I met up with a lovely young transwoman for coffee this morning and she said something that really rang a bell with me...she said(its not exact but as close as I can get) "I was very proud of  <male self> for looking after me all those years and took all the abuse for me and protected me and when it was time to go he left." I just thought it was a really beautiful way of looking at our years of struggle and so very true for many.

I really do hope you find your peace

Sarah T

Background story, short version. I'm a straight mtf. For 30 years I felt like I had to deny being a girl, because I'm a guy and not gay. And doing girly things is considered to be gay where I'm from. Parents had a pretty gender role set of ideals. I only ever doubted that I might be gay once, cause I had people doubting it. That was a confusing year.

I worry about everything and anything subconsciously. Even when I feel certain, it's super easy to start doubting myself, and it just kinda hits me. I have valid reasons for not wanting to transition, but some of my reasons don't seem justified. Like making an ugly woman, being able to switch to my fake personality in hostile situations, or the cost. My wife was reading some things about people who are also mtf on this site and she said that it seems like transitioning is the next step and everyone has dysphoria. I don't feel this way, but it has been slowly making me doubt myself. Even though I feel silly for doubting myself. And I can't really find any info about people who also feel this way, like it's not normal, and that's totally making me feel insecure. It's just I was meant to be woman, shouldn't I want the body to go along it. This kinda feels like the same reason I hid for so long. And I'm done with hiding. Maybe I'm just over thinking things.

And Mariah I do want to experiment with that kind of stuff. I won't know how I really feel unless I do, ya know. I miss wearing a bracelet on my right arm the most. It feels naked without one.

Maybe you're more gender fluid, feeling comfortable in either gender.

Also your sexuality has nothing to do with your gender identity.

Quote from: Yakayla on August 24, 2015, 05:46:46 AM
I only know of one other girl that is kinda like this. But is it common? Does it seems like I'm just being all defensive, cause I know that I can be like that sometimes? Or anyone used to feel like this and completely changed their mind down the road? I just want to make sure about everything, and not spend another another 30 years of my life knowing I didn't want to transition and then realizing I was wrong. I'd say I'm like 95% sure I don't want to transition.

That was me when I first started out. I didn't have dysphoria, didn't hate my male body, etc. I've now lived happily as a woman for more than 2 years.

I was wondering about you saying you still need to be a woman even though you don't have Dysphoria but isn't that burning need to be a woman Dysphoria? That I am a genetic male wanting to be a woman IMHO is part of the Dysphoria...if you apply that in your case then the fact you want to be a woman is a display of your Dysphoria?  I don't know, I am just throwing a couple of idea's your way for consideration.

Sarah T

Quote from: sarahtokes on August 24, 2015, 06:03:48 PM
Isn't that burning need to be a woman...Dysphoria?

I think it only becomes dysphoria if and when your assigned gender chafes. If you need to be a woman, but you don't feel some discomfort at being in a man (or vice versa) you're trans but not necessarily dysphoric. The lack of dysphoria shouldn't be a bar to transition, either medical or social, but the medical community is weird about letting people be themselves. Social depends on the group you are with.

You dont want to transition? Easey answer, Dont
You want to try somthing you though looked great on a guy? why dont you?
You like the idea of wearing jewelry? why dont you?

Feeling as though you need to transition (put yourself through everything you know about it, when you dont want to) in order to exspress an aspect of your personality, can be a drastic trap. (doing somthing you dont want to do, in order to do somthing you do)

Forget the gender asociations envolved, this is a trap too.

All, wanting to exsperiment with make up, and wear some jewelery means, is, you want to exsperiment with make up and wear some bling

Dont get me wrong, Im not saying you are, or are not trans. Or that you do or do not have dysphoria. What I am saying is, is that you seem to be struggling with this, as though wether you are or not, and do or dont, hold some sway over your permittence to exspress, this perticuler side of your personality.

I hope this helps.

Sorry, I was having a bit of freak out moment. When I'm confused, I got to figure it out, and I gotta figure it out NOW! 

But like everything is good now. I worry too much about what being the norm is and not enough about my self. I've had like 30 year of suppressed emotions and memories all swirling in at once, plus the ADHD. I can drive myself a little crazy sometimes.

Reading all your replies and reading some other stuff on the internet and talking to my wife has really helped me sort things out. I just couldn't find the right answer before. Yes I a female inside a man's body. But I don't feel trapped. I feel like I was supposed to be born this way. And there is nothing wrong with that. Transitioning is definitely not for me. I was really just over thinking things like I usually do. And was scared that I was just being scared. Except for a little bit of extra weight, I love my body. Getting rid of it would make me super unhappy.

Thanks for all the help peoples. <33333333333

Quote from: Yakayla on August 25, 2015, 12:24:21 AM

I feel like I was supposed to be born this way. And there is nothing wrong with that. Transitioning is definitely not for me. I was really just over thinking things like I usually do. And was scared that I was just being scared. Except for a little bit of extra weight, I love my body. Getting rid of it would make me super unhappy.

Thanks for all the help peoples. <33333333333

That is just so cool...good on you. Takes great courage...so give yourself a deserved pat on the back for sorting it out for yourself.

Hugs

Sarah T

My dysphoria is focused on my face. Not my body so much. And not my genitals at all. I've been trans since I was 4 or 5. I'm 57 now. I've always wanted to be a girl, while accepting I wasn't, but I think it was mostly not looking like a girl that bugged me. 


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I totally feel the same way, I love my body.

I'm not really sure what that makes me though since I still wish I were a cis girl lol