Well, if that is you in your avatar, you surely look female... maybe sometimes we just need some confirmation

Ive been going off and on, not hormones, just mentally over who I am for years

Ill get very close to going full time, then abruptly stop the process, usually throwing all my girl things in the trash

This time is the best I feel about it and maybe you need to bounce back and forth to know what you really need.
I dont think its the wrong thing.

I know I didnt answer your actual question, as I dont know...

The strapline of this forum is pretty cool isn't it?

'We stand at the crossroads of gender, balanced on the sharp edge of a knife.'

I went to my trans woman support group last night, had a lot of my fears relieved after a discussion with a fellow trans woman with similar repressive tendencies. I also talked with a psychic intuitive friend whom I deeply admire and trust(she is the real deal). She told me that I have been holding myself in a self imposed prison out of fear, and that I have high integrity and am not stealing energy.
This all was an enormous relief and I can feel some of my walls crumbling last night and an energy breaking through.
I've talked to therapists who specialize in Narcissism and they seem to think (like others I have confessed to) that I'm lovely and doing an incredible job.
I'm going to start and reaching out to people I have cut off and not hide my feminine self, or shy away from my attraction to men in conversation.
A lot of this panic started many months ago when I was kind of rejected by my family from visiting them in Chicago as my trans self. It through me off the  rails and I kind of unplugged. About 3 weeks ago I went and visited Chicago for the first time since transitioning and stayed with an old neighbor (and fellow repressed traveler who has family rejection in her cocktail).
It was terrifying and confusing. I was very guarded when meeting with a sister and then a cousin on separate occasions over dinner.
I'm pretty proud of my risk taking in the face of overwhelming fear.
My other sister whom I have been close with over the years wouldn't meet me, which was so sad but a relief from a fear level.
I did everything I could to let her off the hook and told her I missed her (and loved her even after she said she wouldn't meet me after I traveled across the country to see family.
I am going to start being on my side more and not try to protect others from me.
I'm a Reiki practitioner and that is so healing to me and my life. I was almost going to abandon that, even, because I thought I was toxic. Turns out that isn't the case at all. So that is an unbelievable relief.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

A member of my group did not realize she was trans until her 30's. Yes many of us sort of know at 4-5, others somewhere in their teens, more later, and then the "Late Transitioners" of many flavors. At over six years into this journey I mostly know and embrace that I am trans. Being trans is a broad spectrum between cis-female and cis-male. I also realize I am still not yet a member of the Transition or Die club.

Yet I have had plenty of WTF am I Doing episodes my first few years. Often leading to a temporary, up to several months stopping of HRT, cold turkey. Usually leading to a lot more emotional upset then before. About 2-3 years based on my lab work, E levels and age I figured I didn't need an AA anymore. Well, slowly over a year my T creeped up to low-normal. Also creeping up was my depression, sense of futility and hopelessness, and episodes of WTF-isms. Back on spiro and life is better

Thanks for the update Sophie and it's such great news about your positivity. The family side of things sounds really tough but I love your energy break through. All power to you and long may it continue.
Chen xx

It's really great to hear that you're figuring things out.  I too wanted to detransition due to extrinsic reasons.  Stress from family issues and being under constant financial duress finally made me break, and that break was me thinking I had a mental break and thus why I wanted to transition in the first place.  It turned out to be quite the opposite when I finally got the family issues under control and finances figured out.

Those "I'm a woman and I desperately need to look and feel like one" feelings returned pretty quickly and now I'm back on that horse and I'm not stopping.  I still wear a beard, I'm completely repressed and in fear of rejection at home, but that's not going to stop me at all.  Nothing lasts forever, right?

So keep on keepin' on, sweet heart.  You got this.

Something I've noticed that seems to keep cropping up is the whole early vs late transitioners thing.. Except that I'm not convinced it's really a thing.

I came out at 35 and started my transition. Does that make me a late transitioner? Possibly, but it fails to take in to account the fact I've known something wasn't right since I was 12. I didn't say anything back then because, frankly, it wasn't a time that I could have said anything and had a meaningful result. Hell, I wasn't even 100% sure I knew what was wrong. I knew trans women in my early 20's, but that wasn't me, couldn't be me, nuh uh, no way. It wasn't until I hit my 30's and did some proper research and educated myself that I finally acknowledged what had been wrong all that time and did something about it. And, it took a good 2-3 years for me to stop having second thoughts about my transition fairly regularly.

Probably depends on what you're on. Androcur is pretty rough to be stopping suddenly, it is recommended to taper it if possible.

Today I put on "girls" clothes for the first time in many weeks. It's like this deep feeling of relief. I started crying too.
It makes me feel "safer" to wear women's clothes at home. When I'm out in the world it is different. I really don't pass without a wig and my brows are thick again.
Does anyone else have that a safety feeling at home with women's clothes on? It's the similar relief to the smoothly shaved, clean face.
I think it might be the gay boy side of me just feeling safer as a woman and being femme, than a man?



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I come home and immediately strip off the slacks and polo from work that I have to wear and put on a pair of booty shorts and a baggy girl's t-shirt.  The form fitting nature of it all brings me so much relief, it's indescribable really.

Being out in public like that takes a little more confidence, and wearing a dress even moreso, but professional female attire, blouse, pants, heels, etc... is so easy for me now, and I actually feel more uncomfortable wearing men's clothes.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to dress nicely and in form fitting clothes.  If you've got the body, flaunt it girl!  That's how I feel about it anyways.  My structured wonder bras do a wonderful job too for now of balancing out all of it.  I definitely don't look right in a girl's shirt without breasts, lol!

So yeah, girl clothes give me peace of mind and comfort.  It's just more natural feeling.

I always wear girls clothes at home and never wear men's underwear home or away (yuck I hate it!). I'm with Kristina on this: it's definitely such a liberating feeling isn't it? But outside at the moment I tend to go for more androgynous outer wear: I see that as part of the transition process. My nails are long and painted though, and that often gets a reaction Something a cisfemale said to me is how about painting one finger nail e.g. the little finger and then maybe later gradually do the others neutral colour to start ith. Even have your little pinkies painted I find liberating. x

Nothing works better to vanquish the sad old man I sometimes see in the mirror then seeing the pretty good looking old dinosaur and the Just Perfect feeling

I think what you are feeling when you are home is comfort with who you really are. When you walk out the door you lose control over your environment and there is a bit of fear of the unknown. It can take a long time for the fear to pass but some is natural. For me, after a long day of driving, job pressure or dealing with the public, just getting behind your own 4 walls and shutting the world out can be relaxing. I am naturally an introvert and facing the public isn't my first choice of places to spend my time but over the years I have worked on equalizing my comfort level between public and private so I am almost as comfortable in public as private.