I had a less than stellar experience at a women's only gym back in May. It took me some time (and prodding from my counsellor) to write a response to the gym but here it is. Not yet sent but soon to be. I didn't want to over complicate the letter ot make it too long but it still weighs in at 1,800+ words. Anyway, for anyone willing to read it I'd appreciate feedback and thoughts please. Please note I removed the name of the gym from this copy. Also, I don't want this to become a discussion about whether there should or should not be women only gyms, that is not the purpose here. Where I talk about their legal right to discriminate that is because it exists in the state of Australia in which I live, no point debating it. What I'm aiming for here is opening dialogue with them, please let me know if I convey the issue clearly and passionately... many thanks!!

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Dear [gym]

Last May I had my first gym experience in many years at your [location] facility. As a woman wanting to get fit and lose a few kilos and waist inches I was looking for a safe environment where I could exercise without having to navigate dealing with men or feeling self-conscious about my body or the occasional lack of coordination. Sadly I came away from the experience feeling humiliated and realising that I would not be safe or accepted there. It wasn't all bad but I knew I wouldn't be going back. Yes, it has taken me several months to put this experience in writing, I wasn't going to at first as it was too upsetting to revisit and seemed easier to forget the whole matter and move on, however I have realised I cannot let this rest without saying something.

My experience started well. I signed up for a free week trial on a chilly Thursday morning and was shown around the facilities; no problems there. The staff member who inducted me was really nice and friendly; she made me some tea and we chatted while I filled out the forms. Overall, the vibe seemed relaxed, friendly and welcoming; I felt comfortable enough to try a step class since one was about to start and I had arrived in my gym gear. It was actually my first step class ever! It was great to be there, it felt like a fun space and I had a good experience exercising with the other women. Yes, I had a hard time keeping up and was exhausted and sweaty afterwards but I survived! That was the good part.

I grabbed my belongings from the locker room – there was no need to shower or change as I live locally and was heading straight home. As I went to leave, the staff member who inducted me took me aside and gave me my free week membership card. Then she said "I have to ask, it's just that our policy...do you have proof of surgery?" And I knew she wasn't talking about an appendectomy.

I was really shocked. Yes, I am transgender, but there was nothing I could find on your website or in the sign up process to indicate that you had a specific policy on transgender women, or that there was any requirement for us to prove our genitals had been surgically altered. To save face I lied, saying that "I did (have proof)". She said she'd need to see it, that "some of the ladies" had asked her about me, she "thought I was lovely but that she had to ask me". That was the deeply humiliating part.

I was, and remain, upset and disappointed. I gather the majority of the women there that morning had no idea I was transgender but apparently one or two did and they questioned my gender with the staff member. This suggests that your facility is not trans-friendly nor a safe place for transwomen. Even if I had the documentation that you apparently require – if "proof of vagina" is indeed your policy – there is no way I would want to avail myself of your facilities if you permit transphobia and discrimination of this nature; the thought that people could be asking about me behind my back every time I visited, that I would be untrusted, unaccepted and possibly gossiped about would make me feel extremely unsafe and unwelcome. 

So I have to question, is this really your policy? And if so, why is it not stated on the sign up forms and easily found on your website (if indeed it is even on your website)? And if it is your policy then that is very disappointing. Being transgender is not a whim or a lifestyle choice. I have a life long history of transgender identification and have now been on estrogen and anti-androgen therapy for over two years with my hormone levels equal that of the average woman my age. For 18 months I have been living and presenting "full time" in society and at work as female, my name and identification documents have all been changed to represent that. Yes, I am tall but there are plenty of genetic women who are taller; yes, I have a voice deeper than most genetic women, but not all; yes, I was not born with a vulva/vagina/womb but I identify as female. And yes, I am intending to pursue gender reassignment surgery but due to the cost and surgeon availability that is unlikely to happen for at least the next twelve months. I was looking for a safe non-judgemental space at [your gym] but sadly didn't find it. Had I known I would be singled out, put on the spot and indirectly asked about my genitals, I would never have set foot inside your premises.

For all the people, businesses and services I interact every day of every week with I am seen, and treated, as a woman - as the person that I am, as the gender I identify as. I admit that in approaching your gym I had hoped I would "pass" (that is, appear "acceptably female") well enough for it not to be an issue. Not through any intention to deceive, to hit on, perve on or to expose myself, but because I wanted somewhere to exercise without fuss, bother or drama. Apparently that was not to be and, as my first real experience of being called out as transgender and being treated as different, it was remarkably humiliating. As soon as I was singled out as transgender I was presumably labelled "really a man" and needed to prove otherwise. A lot of social misconceptions revolve around the belief that a person who is transgender is intrinsically the sex they were assigned at birth by virtue of their genitals not the gender they identify as. Regardless of how well they "pass", how long they have been on hormone therapy, or whether they are pre/non/post-operative, transgender people regularly face this misunderstanding and are subject to the discrimination that flows from it.

As a female only gym, your principle objective, I would presume, is to provide a space for your members that is not only physically safe but which also feels safe. Given that men generally dominate social spaces and that the behaviour of many men, intentionally or not, can contribute to many women feeling unsafe and objectified then a private space for women to exercise, get healthy, socialise and be themselves is a wonderful thing. What many people don't realise is that transwomen can and do also face aggression and harassment from men – either specifically because they are transgender or, because they "pass", they are treated the same as genetic women. However, we frequently experience similar hostility from genetic women. When it comes to transwomen being in a private female space many genetic women still perceive "that person is a man" and those fears or concerns about men are immediately there. Having been on the receiving end of some incredibly scary male behaviour myself I have a lot of sympathy for those fears and concerns but I don't accept that transwomen are still "first and foremost male" because of our birth biology. Nor can I accept that we are somehow, at best, a second class of woman who needs to prove she has the approved set of genitals in order to access those areas.

Presumably you draw a line on what can be perceived by members as unsafe and threatening based on the law.  A member can't say they find a disabled person unsafe or threatening as that would be illegal. A member can't say they find someone of a different race and/or religion as unsafe or threatening as that would be illegal. At your gyms however it would seem a member can say they find a transgender woman, especially one who has male shaped genitals, to be unsafe or threatening. I understand and accept you may have a "right" to state which type of woman you accept and permit to be a member – that it is technically a legal right, even if it is not morally right. Based on my experience it appears [your gym] has chosen to hide within this legal protection to enforce policies around transgender women - presumably by asking "suspect" individuals to prove the status of their genitals. I suppose some of your members might applaud this policy but I suspect that many would also be deeply disappointed and concerned if they knew.

At the heart of the matter seems to be a lack of awareness, understanding and compassion of and for the transgender experience. It's not that the gym can't make the gym safe for all women; it's that many genetic women feel uncomfortable with transgender women. Any specific prejudices aside, most of that discomfort boils down to not knowing or understanding what being transgender entails; the vast majority of people don't even know that we (usually) take hormones, do not understand that this is not a "lifestyle" choice, do not realise that it is not a sexual kink, etc. When you're up against that degree of ignorance it's no wonder organisations come up with policies such as "prove you have a vagina". But is it for the organisation's piece of mind, or their clientele's or both? While I am fully supportive of a female only gym providing an environment that is, and also feels, safe and unthreatening, what's at issue here is that as a trans woman I should not automatically be presumed as unsafe or a threat to that environment. And neither should any transwoman, regardless of whether they are pre/non/post op. There are rules for members to follow and one would expect that, be they genetic or transgender women, they would be expelled from the gym for any transgression.

The crux therefore is how far is your organisation prepared to go to prove that it is an organisation for all women - be they genetic or transgender or intersex or whatever? If a member was to complain that they were uncomfortable about a disabled woman or a woman of different ethnicity/religion or even a lesbian woman they would presumably be told "too bad, get over yourself, they have a right to use these facilities and we support them doing so - if you don't like it you can leave". So why cannot the same apply for transgender women? You could work with transgender women so they can demonstrate there is no threat and no need to feel unsafe. It would need to be done in conjunction with clear unambiguous statements in your contracts, staff training, advertising material, website, gym newsletters and info sessions. Please consider changing your policy so that your facilities can be to be more inclusive and safer for all women including transgender women; or barring that, make your current policy, with the apparent "proof of vulva/vagina" requirement, more prominent on your website and sign up documentation. I would be very happy to further discuss these issues with you, including any concerns or question you may have.

Yours sincerely
[me]

Very Interesting. Are you in NSW?

Yep, Sydney.

Grace,
A nice and important letter.

I suggest you remove the point re being pre op. It is no ones business except yours. I would replace it along the lines of, 'what is in my knickers is my business, do you ask everywoman about her genitals,  or if he has had any genital surgery? If not why ask me?'

Just a suggestion and bad wording on my behalf

I think its good.

You might or might not include something like hormone replacement therapy often also has influence on size and function of present body.
People are definetly becoming more female.


hugs

Are you a "Recognised Transgender Person"?
"All people who are transgender must be treated fairly - in employment, when getting goods or services, and so on, as listed above.

However, under N.S.W. law, only some people who are transgender are legally counted as being their preferred gender rather than their birth gender. You are legally your preferred gender if you are what the law calls a "recognised transgender" person."

Quote from: Isabelle on September 07, 2015, 07:07:14 AM
Are you a "Recognised Transgender Person"?

According to the Gender Centre that is a very nebulous definition, one generally taken to mean "post op" but which is yet (surprisingly) to be contested in court.

Quote from: Cindy on September 07, 2015, 07:01:57 AM
I suggest you remove the point re being pre op. It is no ones business except yours.

Thanks. While I agree my thoughts in including it were to show that being a transwoman doesn't boil down to genitals even though this is what the gym is basing its standard on.

Quote from: Ms Grace on September 07, 2015, 07:17:34 AM
According to the Gender Centre that is a very nebulous definition, one generally taken to mean "post op" but which is yet (surprisingly) to be contested in court.

Thanks. While I agree my thoughts in including it were to show that being a transwoman doesn't boil down to genitals even though this is what the gym is basing its standard on.

Well maybe you could think about something along those lines:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189131.msg1682879.html#msg1682879

 One thing Grace have you legally changed your gender marker? I'm not sure of NSW law but a pre op none married T-woman can change her gender marker. If you are 'legally' gendered female it may be a whole lot of interesting discrimination cases.

OK.. This is how I feel about it.

You had a ->-bleeped-<-ty time, and they didn't deal with it very well.
Writing the letter, if anything, should at least be a cathartic experience for you, and allow you to move on from the experience while making the memory a more positive one.

In regard to the event itself, and wether you should complain... This is tricky. I think what I'm going to say may be a bit of a bitter pill to swallow but, this is only because Australia has work to do in protecting transfer citizens from this type of everyday casual aggression.

Basically, you were viewed as being "not cis" and unfortunately, in a lot of people's minds, there's only two states of being. Male and Female. In their mind a visibly trans female, isn't in the female camp. This is why the gym brought it up with you. Because they operate on a highly simplified model of reality where Cis privilege is very real,  and they probably feel it's better to upset a tiny minority and loose their money, than potentially upset a much larger group of their client base and have their business suffer. They are a business, all they care about is earning. That's what businesses do.
Denial of cis privlige is hard, and I believe your letter addresses how that made you feel well. I think your surgical status shouldn't be a factor, it's none of their business. I think as much as possible, the letter should read as an invitation to discussion, more than a complaint. You catch more flies with honey after all... There could be a really positive outcome, or a totally unexpected one like this
http://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/life/67133215/Gym-cancels-womans-membership-after-she-complains-about-transgender-woman-in-changing-rooms .... You have to admit, that's kinda hilarious...

Quote from: Cindy on September 07, 2015, 07:01:57 AM
Grace,
A nice and important letter.

I suggest you remove the point re being pre op. It is no ones business except yours. I would replace it along the lines of, 'what is in my knickers is my business, do you ask everywoman about her genitals,  or if he has had any genital surgery? If not why ask me?'

Just a suggestion and bad wording on my behalf

I agree with this.

I also think it is kind of long. I stopped reading after about five paragraphs.

I agree with Cindy.  Leaving out your actual surgical status is probably for the best if your aim is to have them come up with a transgender policy.

It's a nicely written letter, but I fear that the chances of it falling under the tl;dr category may be high given the lack of care and empathy the staff have.

The question is - how far do you want to escalate this?

It would be interesting to see how they would react if a non-op transman, beard and all fronted up at their front door if their policy is based on what's under one's underpants.

I was too chicken to go to one of these places pre-op for this very reason. Even post op I'd be curious as to what proof they wanted.

Deeply impressed with your letter. But I agree it's nobody's business whether you're pre- or post op.

Hi Grace, as a full time complaint handler here are my thoughts.

I think you can edit out a certain amount of what you have written. I can well understand how you need to "get it all on paper", I just suspect you may have more luck with a more concise letter.

Those areas I think can be removed are where you talk about what others might fear from a transgender person - the "perve" and "kink" stuff. I think you can let the strength of your argument stand on its own without surmising what might "upset" their members. I also think the bits in the last third where you appear to posit the pros and cons of various viewpoints can be edited, as I think you're almost doing too much of their work for them. Finally, I would not recommend stating that there "is" any right, technical or otherwise, that they have to discriminate in this way. If they want to state that out loud, let them do so. I would doubt they'd do it, as I don't think the law gives them any "right" in this area.

I'm not surprised you didn't find any details of their genitalia policy - because it almost certainly doesn't exist! At least not in writing.

Please accept my apologies if any of this sounds a bit harsh, I'm trying to be clear and to the point and I am in no way criticising your views on this. You are the woman that these people abused and it is your decision how you word your complaint.

If you want to discuss in any more detail I'm happy to chat, whatever helps, about it.

In the meantime - go and kick their butt, sister!!

"What I'm aiming for here is opening dialogue with them, please let me know if I convey the issue clearly and passionately... many thanks!!"

It's not clear, due to the length. As others have mentioned, it's too much. Just address the specific issue of the day the employee asked you a question that you felt was inappropriate.

I knew where you were headed with this, and I was still surprised to see how far I had to read before you mentioned being transgender. That is, after all, the whole sticking point, isn't it?

I do admire you for taking them to task over it. 

Hugs, Devlyn

I'm  headed out to Target right now so I have to wait till later to read this, but I skimmed. I'd say a practical  approach would be to see want the law books say and approach it that way in the sense of forming an argument . I don't  know what Australian  law says. If they are within their right they're really not going to give a rats butt what you think because they are not losing you as a customer because they already accomplished that and if you have no legal standing they wont have possible loss there either. I think the only way to go is the legality issue. sorry for not reading it yet , but I've got to hit the clearance rack.

Grace, It's a beautiful letter. I agree with the others that shortening it by explaining what happened and why it shouldn't matter if someone is preop or not. I think it's great that you did include the pre op part, but I do agree that also that including the idea that they don't ask CIS woman to the same when questions arise because of how they maybe perceived. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

I think everything you've said is fair, reasonable, and worthy of a reaction from them.

Is it a long letter though. Way too long. I got the point of what you are saying early on, but then there were five more paragraphs! :~o The average HR person might drift off ...

You want to make things easily digestible, otherwise you lose the appetite. I know my style is somewhat blunt-force, but I think it's good to be direct. It makes things happen.

Z

I also think it is a great letter and you are right to pursue the issue. The more organisations are taken to task over this sort of thing the sooner the world as a whole will improve. It is just a little long though, You could trim a couple of paragraphs without losing any of the points you make.

If I may don my pedant hat for a moment :-

beginnig of paragraph 7. Normally wouldn't question a split infinitive but you have almost half a sentence in there. "I interact with". Just move the "with" and it scans much better.

peace of mind surely? Para. 10.

Sorry for the pedantry, but you did ask.

I think it does come across as a request for a dialogue and I'd be very interested to see their reply, if any.

Very best of luck with it. Here's hoping for an apology and an offer of some free membership time. You may decline such an offer for obvious reasons but it would show they are not uncaring after all.