I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. My therapist has continually said we need to wait until after our baby is born in November before moving forward but every day my mind seems to find new and more creative ways to trigger my dysphoria. I keep losing weight and that helps somewhat but I am feeling stifled in this relationship, as my wife does not approve of any femininity at all. I need out, but who leaves their spouse 9 months pregnant? Only narcissists and that isn't me. I need to be there for her but at the same time I'm heading further and further into a dark place mentally. My old friend distraction hasn't helped, nor do I want to be distracted. I know who I am and desperately want to become her.

Sigh.

I am missing something here. Your wife isn't accepting you, she is pregnant, and she not only knows about you but she has seen Katelyn. Why does the therapist indicated Katelyn needs to wait until after the birth if Katelyn is already out? It can't be the shock because there is nothing more to shock your wife with. The longer you wait, the more uncomfortable you are becoming. If it would be because you wife would disapprove, I have news for your therapist and that is your wife will never approve. If you wait till after the baby is born, the line will become "well you can't do it now because the new born needs you the way you are". After that it will be little XXXX needs a father. There will never be a good time for Katelyn to come out.

The only option I am seeing for you if this continues is happy pills and that isn't a good solution for anything.

She hasn't seen Katelyn but my line of thinking lines up well with everything you just said. What's the point of waiting?

1. Who the heck is your therapist to be telling you what to do when? It's your life.

2. You can move forward without leaving your wife. If she leaves you, that's her choice and not yours. You wouldn't be someone who left her wife 9 months pregnant. You would be someone who decided to fully be yourself so you no longer had the burden of pretending your someone you're not. That way you could be fully there for the people who depend on you.

No?

In fairness to my therapist, she's been approaching it from the perspective of keeping my marriage together, so she's been trying to help me put myself in the best position for that to happen. I know in my heart of hearts that there isn't a single thing having to do with transitioning that my wife would be able to accept. I've tried telling my therapist this but maybe I need to be more forceful about it.

And Suzi, for #2 I agree, but then I think, what's a few more months? Then I think, get all this body hair off of me and give me estrogen now please. Then I think, "I can't wait for therapy this week."

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 12, 2015, 11:14:15 AM
And Suzi, for #2 I agree, but then I think, what's a few more months? Then I think, get all this body hair off of me and give me estrogen now please. Then I think, "I can't wait for therapy this week."

Funny though in my head. I never missed a therapy meeting, I learned much from therapy and I improved as the result of it but I don't ever remember not being able to wait for the next meeting. It might have to do with the fact I lived by myself and didn't have to answer to anybody else. Things happened at the pace I set but therapy and my life ran on different tracks without one depending on the other.

So, reality and options....

Seems like you want the CYA letter for E, yes? Is the therapist blackmailing you into waiting till after the birth or telling your wife?

If it is blackmail there are two options. Lie, or be assertive. Or, tell the truth after telling your wife?

Realistically, at 7 months preggers life is very soon going to get very interesting. After the birth, even more so. I cannot see waiting till after as being better! As one boss told me when I got "volunteered" for some world class nonsense training in the middle of getting a multi-million dollar job out the door, "There is never a good time" And IMHO it is only going to get less good for the next 16-18 years.

So, if you tell her now, what happens? Will she walk out? Doubtful.  Flip out? Likely. See a lawyer the following day? You know better. Tell you to leave? Well, that's your call which puts you legally in a very bad position.  If you suspect a worse case scenario, talk to a lawyer before your wife is told and talks to hers.

You make good points. I'm in therapy for more than a cya letter and the thought has crossed my mind that she might be gatekeepers me until the wife issue is resolved. Again though I think she is approaching it from the standpoint that she wants to save the marriage. She has been really good with me though in working out several assertiveness issues I have had.

The 2nd part of your post caught my attention, if she tells me to leave, how does that put me "legally in a very bad position"? That part is confusing to me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 12, 2015, 08:57:08 PM
The 2nd part of your post caught my attention, if she tells me to leave, how does that put me "legally in a very bad position"? That part is confusing to me.

For example, unless it is only her name on the lease/deed, you are legally entitled to reside there. My lawyer STRONGLY counseled me against leaving the house we owned together until she had actually bought out my half of the equity. If you are renting, once you leave, you are legally on the hook for all the rent even though you're not living there. If you own, by leaving you make it 1000% harder to recover your equity. The situation is such that wives often make spurious abuse claims against their husbands (or vice versa) just to have them removed.

This is just one of very many legal missteps you could make without decent legal advice. When a marriage crumbles, it is war. There is no way around it. If you believe, as I'm hearing, that the disintegration of your marriage is inevitable, the sooner you protect yourself, the better. I'm not saying to leave her. I'm just saying, make sure you've consulted a lawyer to keep you from costly mistakes.

I remain troubled that your therapist and you are not on the same wavelength. One of the psychiatrists I saw was clearly more interested in my family's welfare than in mine. Is it possible that's what's happening with yours?

Hi -

This isn't your usual 'unusual' situation, and there are mitigating circumstances for all of you in the relationship, including the unborn.  I'm not sure there is any advice that helps with that.  For what it's worth (and remember its free):

• Now is not a great time to bring highly stressful life events into the pregnancy and term is near, adding more risk.  That is what's so.
• Your mental state is challenged and that's understandable.  Is the challenge coming from being asked to consider waiting post-partum and that seems unfair?  Is this a therapeutic crisis for you?  Does the wonder of bringing a new life into the world figure into this and how?  Are you prepared to deal with these past few weeks of the pregnancy, bearing the burden of your coming out "come what may" . . . this will be your decision in the face of your partner's position and the impact if any on the unborn child?
• Is there a path for you to lay down a marker that is unequivocal that gives you a transition day to begin dressing following the birth regardless of the subsequent circumstances irrespective of the birth and/or your partner's desires?  Are you willing to consider such an agreement, either jointly reached or by defacto as you make it independently if no agreement is reached that you can accept?.

None of these questions are particularly welcome at this time (I get that), but short of dealing with stuff like this you'll both suffer and a have another wise more difficult few weeks to term, and difficult may be a gentle word to describe matters going forward - only you and your partner know jointly and as individuals (and who is speaking for the unborn as they have a lot at stake too?)

This isn't provided as advice but an alternative narrative for you to perhaps experience and suss things out a bit more.  It's your transition, unborn, partner and relationship; only you can navigate it to meet your needs and those of others as you may wish.

Sent with empathy and love,

Rachel

Thank you everyone. I have to think about this.

A whole day of thinking has landed me here:

1) the health of my unborn baby is most important, my needs are secondary to her. Adding a major life stresser to my wife who has an anxiety disorder and can't access Meds while pregnant puts the child in danger.

2) my wife has physically had a very difficult pregnancy, I need to take care of her until she can get back to normal. We will all be having clearer heads when our new baby is born.

3) I realize delaying sets it up to be emotionally more difficult to come out later, but I love my kids and won't risk their health. I've dealt with this dysphoria my whole life so a few more months should be manageable.

4) In the meantime, I will continue to lose weight. I have tacit approval to dress in private and will do so whenever I have the chance. Hopefully this will help me bridge the gap until HRT and hair removal can begin.

I actually took the time to write an email to Jenny Boylan, thanking her for writing "She's Not There" and she actually wrote back. She encouraged me to take it slow and let therapy do its work, so that's what I am going to do.

This won't be easy for you . . . please keep us in your thoughts and communication.  You have taken on a difficult situation for awhile and I deeply admire you for that.

Take good care and know that we here for you,

Rachel

Hello I can't say much but I do have something to share 1 your therapist is paid by you to help solve your problems so if you feel its time to start being the real you go for it its not her place to keep your marriage together that's not what your seeing her for is it ? If not make her focus on the reason your really there if she won't go get a understanding therapist who is willing to help you with you transition. 2 I get you love your family but you being unhappy with eventually show in your parenting so work on what's making you feel that way. I also feel that it is unhealthy for you and your wife to continue with things as they are as you said your wife probly won't like the fact you want to change and thats something you can't avoid I think coming out now would be better so that she don't feel you lied to her let her know how you really feel and what you want from your relationship and by the time the baby is born things will hopefully be worked out. I hope things work out for you

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One thing I also decided to do was start reaching out to other people. Not coming out yet but just trying to reinsert myself into other people's lives. I've been pretty isolated from my parents and my brother since I've been married, so I reached out to both just to say that I loved them and may need their support in the future. I also reached out to an old college friend I haven't seen in ages and we're going to take a trip back to campus in early October together. I've had a lot of trouble making friends since the move to Maine and I've been trying to get things going with some people friendship wise. One thing my therapist said early on is that I will need a large support system at some point and frankly I don't have one right now.

Here's some food for thought: When you start your transition you aren't necessarily going to have a DD cup and an instant 10 inches of hair growth on your head. The first years are basically going to be stealth getting electrolysis and laser hair removal while on hormones. If it helps you feel like you're moving forward you can start getting your hair removal done and that shouldn't seem out of the ordinary to anyone and you'll know that you're moving forward with your real life, even if it's only that.

The hormones might not be noticed immediately, but after several months it might start to become more obvious. So, you might talk to your therapist about the right time to start that... but if you really feel like you're about to burst and need to do something now then start on the hair removal. It takes a long time to do it all, so you won't be hurting anything by starting it now. You could even have your neck done but leave your face, and have your pubic region done, and start on your chest/back and I doubt even your wife would really notice anything is out of the ordinary. If you shave your face regularly then you could do your face too, but if you're rocking some 5 o'clock shadow or a goatee or something then it really depends on how stealth you want to be during this period of time.

What I'm really trying to say is... You don't need to be on hormones and getting breast implants and facial feminization surgery and a voice change surgery all right now to actually get started and be doing something. Getting a bit of hair removed isn't going to destroy your marriage, and you need to get it done, and it should make you feel better to boot. So, that's my advice! 

I agree with Venus.  Starting with hair removal is a great place to start. If you can do laser to start all the better. 

I sympathize with your situation.  My wife isn't pregnant, but she's perpetually ill.  Small things, but always scared the big one is around the corner.  It's suffocating, but I don't want to be seen as the husband who leaves his sick wife.  Good luck and Hugs!

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I didn't read most of this, but I wanted to comment on what I read near the beginning of the thread.

I came out to my wife when she was about 4 months pregnant.  She immediately got on a low-ish dose of Zoloft and it helped tremendously.  She was coming unraveled pretty quickly in those first couple weeks and it did wonders.

During the next 5 month I explored my femininity with a vivacious abandon.  Clothing, makeup, shaving, making new friends, therapy, hormones, laser hair removal, the whole 9 yards except for voice training and planning for surgery!  I'm not out at work, but I am to many of my friends and family now.

Here's the kicker.  Our daughter was just born on 9/10/15, so she's only 6 days old now!    During the last week, I all but switched back to boy mode.  No earrings, no makeup, no nice clothes.  Just a shower, hair styling, jeans, t-shirt and sneakers.  I fell into the role of a parent.  I wore what was comfortable, didn't go to work (I'm back today), and I did what needed to be done.  I wasn't expecting that to happen after so many months of obsessing about being trans, but I did.  Becoming a parent flips some switch in your brain that makes you Take Care of Business!  Suddenly your child is the most important thing in your life.  I kept taking my meds, but today is the first day I've worn my women's dress pants and panties since the birth. 

Basically what I'm saying is that some of the fears should be alleviated.  Just because you want to change your physical appearance, social standing, clothes, gender markers, or whatever, doesn't mean you're not the same person.  If you want to be, you will still be a good parent, regardless of what medications you're taking or what's in your wardrobe.  Tell your therapist that there's no time like the present to be yourself.  Stop suppressing it and you'll be happier, and you'll be an even BETTER parent for it.

Quote from: KatelynBG on September 13, 2015, 09:45:39 PM
We will all be having clearer heads when our new baby is born.

I'm sorry, but this made me chuckle.  My head has never been so foggy as it has been this past week, lol.  A newborn does not clear your head, hehe.