I know I am mostly a lurker here but I am having a hard time with something that came up yesterday and could use some advice.

A good friend of mine was over and we were hanging out. He has been having a hard time wrapping his head around me being trans but it has never presented itself like this.

While taking he came out and said "I don't think you are a woman just a very sensitive guy." I was floored by the statement. My initial reaction was not pleasant and luckily I did not voice it.

I asked him to explain why he felt that way and his general response was because we are hanging like two guys, like we always do. Again I was at a loss of words on what to say. I tried to tell him that hanging out discussing similar interests and lifes challenges was not something just guys do but I got the feeling it was not sinking in.

His initial statement threw me for a loop and I just could not discuss the matter logically. I know this is going to come up again so any advice on how to discuss it is greatly appreciated.

Jenelle

Big hug! It takes us a long time to process this, how long have you given him?

Hugs, Devlyn

Well, following his argument perhaps he should start exploring his gender issues...

The first though is show him that picture of you but he may have already seen it. That smile on your face says it all.

I am trying to get in contact with a guy I knew in high school who I was very good friends with and one of the things that came to mind that I would tell him is that I knew what I was long before I knew him. There were also signs going back to my earliest memories of me acting different than a boy would.

When I knew the guy, three of us would get together and ride a mini bike on the desert and I was already into electronics and other guy stuff but I did that because I could and I enjoyed it, not because it was the male thing to do. He was somebody to share interest with and I greatly enjoyed is company. While the though did cross my mind of him as a mate, I was happy for him when he found a wife and married. I am also happy that he has a large family and seems to be doing well in life.

My reasons for contacting him are because in the future our paths might cross but if he has a problem with me, I will make sure they don't. It is a debt I owe him for his friendship in the past.

Hi Jenelle, welcome to our world.

I'm sorry to hear there's tension between you and your friend. It's hard to offer much help here other than a friendly virtual shoulder to lean on. I Know on your end obviously this is terrible to hear, but on his end he basically has no clue whats going on with you. Regular people in the world naturally don't think what living as the opposite sex is like. Some might wonder but never care as this was how I was born, nothing I can do about it. So for him it's likely even harder to deal with. My therapist told me men typically don't address emotions or feelings as those are things that do not concern them. Woman are always emotional because hormones say that's how it is. So yea.

I think with your friend you have to slowly educate him on your life styles decisions. It's possible he won't want to hear it and may decide to end the friendship. I hope not but there's never a clear way of knowing for sure on anyone. Obviously with you still hanging out he still cares for the friendship, so this could be a sign of him not totally understanding the situation but still wanting to be there for you.

Good luck and hopefully you can figure this dilemma out.

Hugs Sammi

If his arguement is largely just that he dose not see you as a woman because your both hanging out like always it is likely his perception. I am going to assume he is heterosexual and that most of his past history hanging out with women either he had an attraction to them that makes it feel very diffrent, he did not have much in common with them or they where naturally reserved around him as most women are around men they do not know very well.

the fact that he is not attracted to you, the fact that your comfortable talking to him like you always have and you have common hobbies and history together makes it feel like his relationships with his male friends. He may like many men have trouble thinking of women as people, not in a awful way but in the sense that growing up they where always the other the ones you saw but never interacted with, there interests, hobbies, likes, and dislikes strange and unknowable. To be shown that women can and do act just like him brushes up against his past that tells him women are not like that and you can't possibly be a woman because he understands and relates to the things you like.

Or I am overly tired and reading way to far into this and he just needs time to proccess and get to know the new you.

Serena

It took me a long time to really understand for myself what some people meant when they said this. A solid portion just don't accept the idea at all, but there are also a surprising amount who are just miseducated. When the second type of people take the time to learn about gender dysphoria, and the stories of people who are at various stages of transitioning, suddenly they really understand the issue and change their discourse accordingly. A lot of hurtful things are said in ignorance. Not knowing your friend, it's hard for me to say which type he might be. Hopefully he just needs to learn more.

Quote from: Jenelle on September 13, 2015, 08:30:38 PM
His initial statement threw me for a loop and I just could not discuss the matter logically. I know this is going to come up again so any advice on how to discuss it is greatly appreciated.

Jenelle, gender is powerful. Every trans person knows that -- otherwise we wouldn't care what gender we are.

One of the things gender does is make us want to associate in a certain way with people who are "like" us. Your friend sees you that way. He is comfortable being with you because he sees you as like him. If he didn't, even if the interaction were similar, the comfort would not be there.

Does that make sense?

I would tell him two things:

1. First it is invalidating to have your identity questioned or denied. You expect better of your friends. In the future you expect him to see you and refer to you as the woman you are, and to correct himself and apologize if he gets it wrong accidentally.

2. That transition involves change. Some change will be inevitable in your relationship with him as he comes to grips with the fact that you are female. But no matter what happens, you will no longer be "two guys friends that hang out."

Does this help?

It's beautiful that he still wants to talk to you. It must be really hard for him it understand.




Paula, <3 X.


Not send from my " I " pad using tapatalk 

Here are some materials that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596

Well he is a cis person.
Meaning he is content with his gender and outward appearance and maybe needs to understand that there are people where it is different.
Just telling its a real thing. After all there are many examples now.

And maybe telling that people will be like their male/female twin... with the same sense of humour etc... might help...

Hi - that's not an uncommon reaction. A male friend of mine felt like he had "lost me" when I transitioned even though i was trying to maintain contact same as before. I guess he felt he could relate more to me as a dude and not a dame. Have you transitioned fully or are you in the middle or early stages? If you are just starting out it is fairly understandable he'd be confused, once he gets a better sense of your female presentation and persona he might understand everything a bit better.

I have cis friends who had a hard time treating me like a woman. So I took a few months break from them. When I re-emerged, I had changed in appearance quite a bit. I was also going for VFS. After VFS and the initial recovery period I sounded unmistakably feminine. Then it just clicked for most of them. One is still mean, dead names and misgenders me and says really nasty things so I distance myself from that jerk. Another one called me mentally ill and told me as long as I have my original parts I'm still a man and how I still look like one. Thing is nobody else likes him either. He got very lonely and came crawling back but I'm just cutting him loose for now.

Part of it is envy with some of these guys, I did better in life in many ways, career etc. We also go shooting and I can shoot better than all of them. I even joke and say that yes I shoot like a girl, do you want a lesson?

I also made some cis women friends and they definitely are more in tune with me. That's how it used to be by the way. Having guy friends is only a very recent thing for me.

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts.

I still haven't unpacked from my recent move but once my computer is setup I will reply in detail to some of the things that were brought up.

Again thank you everyone so far. I am not shocked by the amount of replies as I have lurked here long enough to know the community here is awesome but I still greatly appreciate it