well, here it goes, i have now been in contact with a therapist for two appointments, and are going to have more.
This is still a bit hard for me, since its been something i have keept only to myself, and family knows. but refuse to accept it. i have been at a Privat clinic to talk to a therapist, which will refer me through when i feel like i am ready to a gender therapist.

I spent a few days at a friends appartment, she knows about it, and i have talked about it with her for well about 2months now. I´m acctualy kinda proud of myself, for have taken this step, also a bit sad, that i did not do it earlyer.

I was at her house, she knows me from earlyer, at a point where i were not functioning at all, due to beeing drugged to the abbys by a doctor at a local shrink place. she knows things about me that just one other knows, which i have told, but here is whats troubling, the anxiety for trying just to dress, in the company of others atm is just to great. i went at a store picked up some clothes, with the standard message "its for my girlfriend" and all that, she knew i was picking up clothes, she knew i had them with me. but i dressed in "secret" at night while she was sleeping..

Well, i know why i have the doubts, you look in a mirror, you see this strange body, which you know somehow is connected to you, while you watch it, you take on the clothes, and get a bit anxius, or even sad due to your eyes tend to lock on to the mix of male and female character. does anyone have a way to get over this anxiety? more than anything i would like to say "f"#% it" and just let someone that is supportive of it see, but then again, i tend to think about all the bad memories from this.

instead i just took some clothes, closest to skin, and had it underneith the male appeal, knowing that i had it underneith my clothes, and could be spotted. nothing to big, just a pair of tights, and a blue top. i love the feeling, its just so much more comfy than the male clothes. why cant i just say "f"#¤ it" and just show one person, just for a affirmation that it is ok. 15 years of oppression of it has taken its toll...

does anyone have a idea how to learn to trust yourself again on this part?
much love from Dizzie

Dearest Dizzie:

I can relate - lived that way for 40 years and quite literally it nearly killed me.  When I started therapy (a biggie for me), it was six mos before I began any self-expression as a girl.  It was was just too darned scary.  Bless my therapist who finally got me to go to a makeover salon for a private afternoon session, which I ended myself by walking around the salon and the neighborhood - what a breakthrough and I then knew I could/would transition. 

Taking little steps as you are is a good start.  Regular therapy is another semi-private but essential step that is so valuable.  A support group would be good too.  I went to one for 9 mos before I overtly began feminizing myself to the group, very slowly but after the makeover I dressed each time.

I share this for two reasons: 1) bottling up your true self is destructive, and 2) having a therapist to discuss the fear and small steps leading to bigger ones can be so empowering.  I truly do relate - 40 years!  And remember, it's your transition and time table, just don't let that be a crutch for being honest with yourself.

Hope to see and hear from you often here,

Rachel

Hi Dizzie the first steps are always scary and very difficult! But once you finally get to the point that you do make the change it will get easier. I have been transitioning for three years now and do not even think about not passing as that can be a state of mind that can rip you down! But think of it this way if you were born a genetic women know mater how you look you would not think about passing and would not think twice about going into the women's restroom ether so if you keep that though you can be much more confident. Best of luck in your transition and keep your head up. Being your true self is a wonderful thing. [emoji173]️[emoji126][emoji106]


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Thank you guys for the replies <3

Well, about taking it slow, she knows, and is werry suportive of it, and its not for "casual" ocations i do it.
But thinking more of just trying to relax about it, would be nice to have at least one person in my life which i
fell i can share this with before everyone knows. in a way i think that would be helpfull, not dressing for going out, but just beeing me while beeing with her.

also i am looking for a appartment, going to call on one tomorow, but anyways, thank you guys again <3

have a good day, love from Dizzie

Good Luck!  In joy your life as who you are. You only life once.


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