I don't even know how to put this but lately I have just felt like giving up. Like I'm not exactly how I would give up I just do I feel like no one is there for me and that is very depressing. I have tried for months to find a therapist but with no luck they are all to much for me to afford since I am the only one in my household that is paying bills.

I just feel so lost anymore with everything the fact that I am genderfluid just adds to the mix of things that I just have no control over and its just one of the many things that is tearing me apart inside, my anxiety has been so bad lately that not even medication will fix it. I just feel like I am dying on the inside, of the other things that are happening my girlfriend thought she was pregnant and I was accepting of that and looked forward to being a father, however she found out that she is not pregnant, and no is back to the idea of not wanting to have kids because she doesn't want to get pregnant again (she has one kid already but her adoptive parents adopted it) this is personally what hurts me the most.

Why you may ask not for the fact that she doesn't want to have kids and go through the pain of pregnancy, but because of the fact that if I could I would bear our children but I can't and why because the great earth mother decided to curse me into a male body but with a consciousness that is in constant flux between male and female. while most of the time in my mind I am female I know that hrt or srs will do no good because of the fact that I am in constant flux between both genders it just tears me apart on the inside because she seems like she doesn't care I am just at a loss on what to do right now.   

Hi Micah:

I'm not sure where to start or what to say, though at times I have felt many of your recurring dilemmas.  So I'll just jabber a bit here and if nothing sticks for you I apologize for my lack of insight and wisdom.  Below are a few ideas . . . others will do the same I'm sure:

• There might be a trans-support group within your area that would give you an opportunity to be with trans-folk.
• Have you sought out ACA options that might help with payment to see a therapist? 
  You could call your service area's psychiatric and/or psychology associations and see if they can help.
• Keep reaching out here and share; it's a wonderful place.

It can be so depressing and crazy making and we've all been there - for me it was 30 years of slowly growing dissatisfaction and depression.  Then two years of pretty desperate times and I finally sought help.  You are at least open and willing to seek help - that's wonderful and also  promising.

If you were to share enough about your particular circumstances (within your comfort zone of course) so that people like or similar to you might be able to help in specific ways I probably cannot.  But please keep in mind I'm interested and hang here at least once a day now . . . so do lots of folks.

Take good care and keep things in conversation here,

Rachel

You could try some easy reversible steps... like changes to hair and clothing styles...
second hand shops could be a good source...

you could look for a good gender therapist to help you along...
if they are not helpful look for another.

Some might accept your insurance and communicate online:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162888.msg1400316.html#msg1400316

Another possibility could be to ask at plannedparenthood or a lgbt center for counseling...

and you might ask a social worker for possibilities of counseling...

and you might think about starting hrt. Many people start with a low dose anyways.
You might start out slow and look how it makes you feel. Its well possible you feel better and a bit settled in a more female role, while still accepting male traits.


and and if you feel like it please reach out...
you can call here... they also have a chat:
www.thetrevorproject.org/

www.translifeline.org

Thank you for the thoughts everyone, I am just at a rough spot in my life right now. My girlfriend goes to see her psychologist on monday I don't think she is a gender based psychologist but its a start at least. On another note I will still continue to post on hear everyone on here is just awesome and so understanding I love this community and I am so glad that I found it.

I am so sorry to hear about all this. You sound like you have a good heart, and a sensitive nature. But the forum's got your back! And I'm sure the balance will eventually swing back in your favor *hugs*

Quote from: Micah (Alecia) on September 25, 2015, 12:08:41 PM
Thank you for the thoughts everyone, I am just at a rough spot in my life right now. My girlfriend goes to see her psychologist on monday I don't think she is a gender based psychologist but its a start at least. On another note I will still continue to post on hear everyone on here is just awesome and so understanding I love this community and I am so glad that I found it.

Good to hear your girlfriend is going to see help.

By the way there is also a chat on susans.


hugs

Hi laura, yea I know there is a chat I just always forget about it. one of the members of this site is actually working with me to try and find a therapist so that is very helpful.