I don't know what to do. I wish I could go back to a year ago when I stopped ignoring this feeling. I feel worse now. As soon as I started hearing other people's stories I realised it seems pretty obvious  I'm transgender and this feeling I've had my whole life isn't some weird fetish to hate myself for. But there is no good way to deal with this. I've tried building up to dressing and make up. It makes me feel horrible. I think I look grotesque. I want to look and feel like a woman. I know that I never will in this body. It's not impossible, but there's no way I could take that risk. I've seen probably just about every transition on the internet by now and  I'd need to be in pretty much the top ten I've ever seen in terms of hormones working magic-and I'd need surgery which I can't pay for. I want to look like a girl, I don't want to look like how I'll look on hormones. So the best option is to try and somehow live with this. But there's moments, like right now, where I jut can't deal with it. How am I going to get through this life? I don't care about anything. I feel like I'm just going to have to try and pass the time, and possibly just kill myself once my parents aren't around anymore. Sorry I know it's depressing but I just can't see any other option. And I can't go back. There's a lot about my life that is pretty successful about being a 'guy'. Socially I mean. The therapist I saw actually said 'you've managed to fit in' and basically talked about ways of handling the feeling rather than doing anything about it. I think they were used to people who just obviously had a hard time walking around being seen as male socially all day every day. That's not me and my old life is still there for me if I can just pick it up again. But I just have these moments where I break down. Seeing women who I think look good or with nice hair or cool clothes or just cool people I just feel this crushing sadness that there is no answer to. Sorry to be so depressing. I don't know why I'm writing this to be honest. I've started doing it a few times recently  but then just thought what's the point. This is up to me to figure this out and I can't do it. No one else can help me. I feel really hopeless.

I think you need to start thinking about your female attributes from your core being. That's were it has to start from. The external piece will come and it will be what it is, depending on many factors. You must start thinking like a woman to be a woman. I'm deeply effeminate, love being girly, deep in my core and brain. I'm old and will most likely ever pass, but when I'm feeling good, ( possibly seeing a lover), I dress to the tilt, sometimes slutty, and I'm there. When having sex, my brain goes totally female, I'm pre-op, but nothing about my maleness is left during sex, I'm all girl and work hard to satisfy.
So, I think you must starting thinking from within, if that is embraced, then the exterior follows the lead from the brain.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Blocking those feelings in my opinion is a quick way to serious depression, at least in my experience.

I felt the same way, that hormones would make into some genderless person. And in a way they have. I don't look like a boy or a girl at the moment.

But what hormones have done is help me release all those feelings you're talking about. They've helped me bury this fake boy I used to live as, because he was never me. I have a mind of a girl. Albeit a tomboy most of the time. But I think like a girl, and I always have.

It sounds like you need to go to a different doctor. They're not just going to say yes, take hormones. They're going to help you find the right path for you. And burying those feelings is making you sad. Please for me, let yourself be you.

Quote from: Chrissy5946 on September 27, 2015, 08:22:07 PM
I think you need to start thinking about your female attributes from your core being. That's were it has to start from. The external piece will come and it will be what it is, depending on many factors. You must start thinking like a woman to be a woman. I'm deeply effeminate, love being girly, deep in my core and brain. I'm old and will most likely ever pass, but when I'm feeling good, ( possibly seeing a lover), I dress to the tilt, sometimes slutty, and I'm there. When having sex, my brain goes totally female, I'm pre-op, but nothing about my maleness is left during sex, I'm all girl and work hard to satisfy.
So, I think you must starting thinking from within, if that is embraced, then the exterior follows the lead from the brain.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm not very effeminate. That's one of many reasons why I find this whole thing hard to deal with. I mean I want to look like and dress like and BE a woman but I have a pretty gender neutral personality tbh. In a way that means people use my appearance and the things I like to do (sports) even more to figure me out.

Quote from: TashaL on September 27, 2015, 08:35:55 PM
Blocking those feelings in my opinion is a quick way to serious depression, at least in my experience.

I felt the same way, that hormones would make into some genderless person. And in a way they have. I don't look like a boy or a girl at the moment.

But what hormones have done is help me release all those feelings you're talking about. They've helped me bury this fake boy I used to live as, because he was never me. I have a mind of a girl. Albeit a tomboy most of the time. But I think like a girl, and I always have.

It sounds like you need to go to a different doctor. They're not just going to say yes, take hormones. They're going to help you find the right path for you. And burying those feelings is making you sad. Please for me, let yourself be you.

But I just can't take that risk. My best judgement is that being in this male frame with some weird female bits to it won't make me happy. In fact it sounds a hell of a lot worse than how I feel right now. Nothing about life is set up to be able to walk out the door like that and not feel absolutely awful. It's another effect of having lived a pretty male life and having 'fitted in'.

I don't know if I am the one who should be giving advice here. I did better on hormones than I probably had any right to given what I used to look like... When I started experimenting with hormones, I assumed I would never really pass as female, and that I would just be taking them to keep myself as androgynous as possible. I felt a lot better taking them, and I think I could have lived with the results of just being androgynous had that been my only choice. But that's probably because, at least at first, I was being driven more by a hatred of being male than anything else. If you think being androgynous is at least preferable to being masculine, you can try to move in that direction and consider taking low dose HRT to see how you respond. I don't think I really even had a clear idea of why I wanted to transition until I had some time without the testosterone messing with my head, so you never know, it could give you some insight too.

I was a typical male too. Wore carharts, worked in construction. Everyone thought of me as a manly kind of person.

But what you're feeling is something you need to embrace. I'm not saying that hormones and transition are it. But try and let it out. Wanting to look and feel like a woman isn't something most men feel.

Have you ever tried dressing up? I have a friend who has a mustache, and is overall a man's man. But when he cross dresses it makes me look like one lazy girl.

I understand completely wanting to feel like a woman. And unfortunately there's no magic cure. But there are many ways to embrace it. Let your feminine side go. Everyone who loves will love you no matter what. It's actually a real efficient way of weeding out those who don't care about you.

This I can truly promise and attest to. I live in a state where there is a lot of hate for lgbtq. But those who loved me before love me even more as my tomboy self.

Be you. And from what you've said it sounds like you are not at the moment.

The first thing I did when I was questioning it all is I secretly tried on make up, and let me tell you everyone looks better with makeup. I don't care what others say.

So then I started wearing eyeliner out in public while dressed as a boy. My friends and family just embraced me and my pretty eyes. Sure they started to ask questions, but those questions started to make me question myself even more. And it helped realize how much I wanted to be a woman.

Just the act of buying some makeup is so feminine and feels amazing. Try it, it'll blow your mind how it makes you feel.

Ye I've tried it. I used to cross dress in secret starting from as young as I can remember. I didn't know why I just liked it. I think it's because I could look like a girl when I was younger. I stopped at 17 and every time I've done it since I l've felt awful. I'm 26 now. Since I realised what this feeling meant I've tried it again though, for the reasons you've described. To see if it helps. It doesn't because I don't look female and I don't want to do it again. I ordered some shoes and they came on Friday and threw them away today because I just hated how they looked. I'm size 12uk mens which I think is even bigger in the states. I put all the stuff I've bought in he last year including make up in a bag and was too scared to put them into own trash so drove a bit away and dumped them elsewhere. The whole time feeling like an absolute weirdo. It doesn't make me happy to do it and I just wanted rid of all that stuff.

But ye I guess you're right in how to approach it, thanks. I just feel like various circumstances for me kind of come together and make me feel like there's really no out for me.

Just take small steps at a time.  Think of it like running 5 marathons in 5 days, you gotta learn to run half a mile first.  None of those girls on youtube etc that post their transition progress look like that from day one.

Try getting some scented bath oil and relaxing, maybe even painting your nails too.  It's a place to start

A little thing I did yesterday.....
Posted here with all my new friends!
Got my gear together and went to Yoga class, awesome
I had my little womans yoga pants on, a wrist full of girly,sparkly, braclets.
I had VS pink thong panties waiting in my backpack, with a simple cotton plunging top to change into.
It was all woman, many I know, having a gentle class, the best.
Afterward I asked my instructor if he would have a problem with me wearing womans yoga bottoms on, he said whatever you like, I'm worried I would turn off some the ladies, he said not to worry! Awesome.
So after class, dressed in my kit, off I went to shop, and walk around in my local town farmers market, the top and brackets are all that signal my Fem side, so a few strangers will note, my friends just accept me as they all like me. I would have loved my VS Bralettes, with my breastforms, but I cannot afford to get fired yet! If my boss found out, it will most likely be the end of my employment.
So, it's the little things that reinforce the woman in us.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Quote from: orangejuice on September 27, 2015, 08:11:47 PM
I don't know what to do. I wish I could go back to a year ago when I stopped ignoring this feeling. I feel worse now.

That is how Gender Dysphoria (GD) works. It get worse and worse the longer you leave it. It is very likely that it will continue to get worse for you unless you do something about it.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 27, 2015, 08:11:47 PMI want to look and feel like a woman. I know that I never will in this body. It's not impossible, but there's no way I could take that risk.

Yes, there is a risk. The risk is that you have no idea how you will turn out. None of us had much idea so we usually went with it and, like natal women, we do the best hat we can with what we have.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 27, 2015, 08:11:47 PM.... my old life is still there for me if I can just pick it up again. But I just have these moments where I break down. Seeing women who I think look good or with nice hair or cool clothes or just cool people I just feel this crushing sadness that there is no answer to.

From reading this and your previous posts, I do not see that you really have much choice. You sound like you are in the downward spiral of GD but that you lack the confidence or self-belief to try transition as a route out. Some time ago you had a therapist who prescribed you Cyproterone, maybe you should go back there and start discussing transition in order to get yourself a better idea of what you need to do or what options are available.

Maybe you should go along to some support groups near you and talk to people who have actually transitioned. Real life folk are very different from internet photos and youtube videos

I struggled for 50 years with my gender issues. My life, my body, is one great cosmic irony after another. Name an attribute a woman has, I am the opposite. Add to that the very clear messages I got as a kid about wearing my sister's clothes and all the homophobic and transphobic remarks that abound in a blue collar first & second generation immigrant city.

So I handled it the best way I knew using mainly diversion, distractions and denial. I can not recommend it. They slowly turned me into a lifeless, soulless, Hollywood facade of a man with no hopes, wishes or dreams. A machine that got out of the bed in the morning and back into at night.

Then rock bottom hit. The time came six years ago to really do something about being trans and not just work with all my body and soul to keep Joanne locked away in her dungeon. One absolute truth I came to realize was that I needed to figure out how to get these two great aspects of myself, the female and the male, to live in harmony leading to me being one whole healthy and hopefully happier person.

The absolute last thing on my agenda back then any sort of transition. I've been there and tried it twice in my early twenties. Both times it was a disaster. I never lost that "Some guy in a dress" feeling which was totally affirmed everywhere I went.

Life is lot more joy filled these days as life took some totally unanticipated turns as I healed. I am sure as the healing and hard work continues more surprises will be in store

Quote from: chuufk on September 28, 2015, 06:50:22 AM
That is how Gender Dysphoria (GD) works. It get worse and worse the longer you leave it. It is very likely that it will continue to get worse for you unless you do something about it.



Yes, there is a risk. The risk is that you have no idea how you will turn out. None of us had much idea so we usually went with it and, like natal women, we do the best hat we can with what we have.


From reading this and your previous posts, I do not see that you really have much choice. You sound like you are in the downward spiral of GD but that you lack the confidence or self-belief to try transition as a route out. Some time ago you had a therapist who prescribed you Cyproterone, maybe you should go back there and start discussing transition in order to get yourself a better idea of what you need to do or what options are available.

Maybe you should go along to some support groups near you and talk to people who have actually transitioned. Real life folk are very different from internet photos and youtube videos

thanks I appreciate you reading through my post I've had a few rants on here. Yup you're definitely right I lack the confidence to do anything about it. I can't even accept myself tbh. I still feel so so bad about myself that I have these feelings but I don't know how to change that. I've always wanted to be a girl since I was 4. My earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl. But I knew I wasn't so I didn't let that feeling affect who I am. I just looked at the hand I'd been given by life and wanted to be the best I can be as a guy. I still feel like that. If I can't be a girl I'd rather continue to be the person that for the most part I've been while keeping this feeling at bay. I know some people would say that is not me truly being myself and maybe that's right but the truth is when I was 18, popular, good looking, school rugby captain, I liked myself. To the outside world I appeared pretty macho in a silent alpha male kind of way and I really did like myself. It's way better to try and get back to that than end up not passing or even the whole process of going through transition might be too much for me. This would literally blow up my entire life and I don't think there's one person I know who would have even the tiniest inkling. I'd be surrounded by people who I wouldn't call transphobic, they wouldn't give me abuse and I'm sure would be supportive of completely stunned, but they definitely have that inbuilt feeling of people like me being a bit of a freakshow. And it wouldn't help me to break down that feeling with them if I was a big balding guy walking around with boobs and in women's clothes. The sad truth is if I you pass people accept you more even if they know you're transgender.

The only thing I was kinda hanging my hat on was that I'd somehow feel emotionally better on hormones and could maybe go for as low a dose and hope I don't get very many physical changes. But even that is a risk. But yes I took Cyprpterone for 6 days last December. I felt a lot calmer and chilled out about the whole thing. But then I woke up one night feeling terrifyingly bad. It seems to have done something messed up to my cardiovascular system and it still feels the same. I can't do any form of exercise without feeling like something seriously bad could happen. I haven't really mentioned it but I'm completely terrified I've done something awful to my body. And trying to get help from doctors has been awful. Trying to explain to a neurologist, an endocrinologist and GPs that I was taking a testosterone blocker without telling them why has been a total nightmare. I've told them I had a sex addiction. I think they think I'm some weird criminal pervert because they don't understand how I could have been prescribed it. And because it's so weird to them they've all lent towards a diagnosis of generalised anxiety, which would be so good because then it's nothing to worry about, but it's never felt like that, and hasn't gone away, it's only recently that the neurologist has referred me to see a cardiologist.

So ye on top of the trans stuff there is now all that. And feeling like I've done it all to myself doesn't help. It's taken away that option of taking hormones tbh. I don't know if I could do it again. It's kind of made me realise what a serious thing that is to do to your body. So the best way is just to try and let the feelings pass over me when they come, not dwell on them and try to not beat myself up about them either. But as you can tell I find that hard.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AM
The only thing I was kinda hanging my hat on was that I'd somehow feel emotionally better on hormones and could maybe go for as low a dose and hope I don't get very many physical changes. But even that is a risk. But yes I took Cyprpterone for 6 days last December. I felt a lot calmer and chilled out about the whole thing. But then I woke up one night feeling terrifyingly bad. It seems to have done something messed up to my cardiovascular system and it still feels the same. I can't do any form of exercise without feeling like something seriously bad could happen. I haven't really mentioned it but I'm completely terrified I've done something awful to my body. And trying to get help from doctors has been awful. Trying to explain to a neurologist, an endocrinologist and GPs that I was taking a testosterone blocker without telling them why has been a total nightmare. I've told them I had a sex addiction. I think they think I'm some weird criminal pervert because they don't understand how I could have been prescribed it. And because it's so weird to them they've all lent towards a diagnosis of generalised anxiety, which would be so good because then it's nothing to worry about, but it's never felt like that, and hasn't gone away, it's only recently that the neurologist has referred me to see a cardiologist.

I didn't realize you have already tried self-medicating... Cyproterone can be a very powerful drug, and depending on how responsive your body is to it, it can drop your testosterone levels like an anvil off a cliff. What you were experiencing was probably a loss of red blood cells, due to a disruption of your body's testosterone/red blood cell feedback mechanism. I don't know all the details, but apparently when your testosterone levels drop too quickly your body stops making enough red blood cell. I experienced a pretty extreme version of this when I started taking Cyproterone, and I was having trouble even breathing while I was in bed trying to go to sleep. To be honest, I thought I might die, but I kept on taking it anyway. Eventually your body will get used to it, and start producing proper amounts of red blood cells again, but with lower testosterone your energy levels will change, and you still won't have as much energy as you did before. Sometimes with Cyproterone, the disruption to your body's testosterone production can last a long time after you stop taking it too.

One thing I can say for sure, is this is not a drug you want to be taking without medical supervision. If you are honest with your doctors about why you are taking what you are taking, they may be willing to help. They are obligated to keep whatever you tell them confidential, and I can't imagine why you would rather they think you were a sexual deviant than that you were transgender...

Well they probably don't think I'm a sexual deviant but I told them I had a masturbation addiction. Basically they are a little confused I think and have put how I'm feeling physically to having to sort out some kind of mental anxiety. That might even be accurate but like I said it seems like a massive coincidence that it happened overnight after taking Cyproterone. The fact that I'd rather tell them that probably tells you a bit about how much I've repressed this feeling.

Ye my circumstances are pretty hard to sum up in one post but I wasn't self-medicating. Being very much in the closet with all this stuff I didn't even want to tell my local GP so I sought out a private therapist with experience in gender dysphoria.This was about a year ago. After a few sessions they prescribed me Cyproterone to see if it brought me some relief. As soon as I started feeling unwell I emailed them and they also said it sounded like anxiety. I emailed them again when it didn't go away and again they said the same thing so I didn't really see any benefit to seeking treatment for the physical symptoms from them. Their practice is not in my city so it was a fair drive away and given the shame that I already partly felt at going there, when I began to feel like I'd made myself unwell as a result of this feeling the shame just multiplied and I wanted to forget the whole thing. So I've just sought treatment through the normal NHS channels. Its been hard though when you tell Dr's about the Cyproterone and they have to ask you what that actually is. Even the endocrinologist I saw wasn't entirely sure. But ye I'm just consoling myself that I've had checks done, blood tests, adrenal function etc and nothing abnormal has shown up.

It's actually a little reassuring to hear you talk about Cyproterone in that way because basically what I'm really hoping is that dropping my testosterone was such a shock and trauma to the body that its taking ages to recover. Because although I still feel bad its nothing compared to that first month. I thought I was going to die. And yea I think I probably had a really extreme reaction to it. For the 6 days on it prior to feeling unwell I already felt things. My skin felt instantly really smooth and my hair too. And it seemed to nuke my facial hair. It went all wispy and took ages to go back to what it was before. I really hope that is the case and my body is just taking a long time to recover from such a sudden and drastic change . Once/if I ever feel normal again maybe I will re-consider how to approach my trans feelings but right now its hard to imagine ever wanting to take hormones at the risk of going through something like this. I feel like my body might be really sensitive to it for some reason. Hence the feeling of hopelessness when I'm feeling down.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AM
I'd be surrounded by people who I wouldn't call transphobic, they wouldn't give me abuse and I'm sure would be supportive of completely stunned,

You think you are unique?  A very large percentage of transwomen go through exactly that

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AMbut they definitely have that inbuilt feeling of people like me being a bit of a freakshow. And it wouldn't help me to break down that feeling with them if I was a big balding guy walking around with boobs and in women's clothes.

You cannot know what is in other people's heads and it is a mistake to project your own worries, flaws and prejudices onto other people.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AMThe sad truth is if I you pass people accept you more even if they know you're transgender.

Sort of. It can make it easier for them but most people will accept you if you are genuine and in your case you definitely appear to have GD

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AMThe only thing I was kinda hanging my hat on was that I'd somehow feel emotionally better on hormones and could maybe go for as low a dose and hope I don't get very many physical changes. But even that is a risk. But yes I took Cyprpterone for 6 days last December. I felt a lot calmer and chilled out about the whole thing. But then I woke up one night feeling terrifyingly bad.

Cyproterone is not a hormone, it is an anti-androgen noted for having strong side-effects, often debilitating.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AMTrying to explain to a neurologist, an endocrinologist and GPs that I was taking a testosterone blocker without telling them why has been a total nightmare.

You are determined to make this as hard as possible, aren't you? Your doctors cannot treat you effectively if you lie to them and that is what you are doing. Do not give them false information or they might put you on other drugs which are inappropriate for you. Do not lie to your doctors.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 10:22:31 AM
Well they probably don't think I'm a sexual deviant but I told them I had a masturbation addiction.

This is very common in transitioning women. The after-effects give a period of relief lasting up to several hours. It is not unknown for serial masturbation up to six times a day. Everything you say just convinces me more that you really need professional help

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 07:46:42 AMAnd feeling like I've done it all to myself doesn't help.

Then is it not time you stopped messing about with this and got some professional advice?

If you are near London then go see Dr Curtis at Transhealth or Dr Lorimar at Gendercare. They are both private and will charge you about £200 but they are specialists in dealing with trans issues. You do not have to tell anyone but them so it can be secret but for heaven's sake stop torturing yourself and messing about with drugs that can screw you up beyond repair.

Think you might have misunderstood a little of what I said. I've told every doctor I've seen that I was taking Cyproterone and I'm worried that it's had a very negative side effect. I just haven't been entirely honest about why I was on it. I just want to feel better physically right now. Once I've dealt with that then I can think about what to do about my trans feelings again. To be honest when I'm feeling low I rant a bit. I think I'm more rational than I come across. At least I hope I am. I mean the truth is if I hadn't had this reaction who knows where I'd be now. It's possible that I'd be on the road to transitioning. But I need to feel better before I can consider anything else right now. Basically the Dr I've been seeing has made me promise that if I get the all clear from a cardiologist and a brain scan doesn't show anything unusual that I'll commit to some CBT to deal with the physical symptoms, which I've already done and I told the CBT therapist  about my GD. That felt good. I havent lied to doctors in a way that would affect my any treatment. I just haven't delved into the whole trans thing when I haven't needed to.

Anyway thanks for the advice. You're just another person who seems convinced that I have gender dysphoria. Maybe the more I hear it the more I'll accept I have no choice over this.

Oh and the therapist who prescribed me Cyproterone was basically the equivalent of those doctors for where I live. I wasn't 'messing about' with drugs. I very much had it medically prescribed.

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 12:37:20 PM
Think you might have misunderstood a little of what I said.

OK

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 12:37:20 PM
Basically the Dr I've been seeing has made me promise that if I get the all clear from a cardiologist and a brain scan doesn't show anything unusual that I'll commit to some CBT to deal with the physical symptoms, which I've already done and I told the CBT therapist  about my GD. That felt good.

It is good to tell someone and it gets easier each time you do it.

BTW, why is a cardiologist giving you a brain scan. An ECG I could understand.... 

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 12:37:20 PMI havent lied to doctors in a way that would affect my any treatment. I just haven't delved into the whole trans thing when I haven't needed to.

Fair enough

Quote from: orangejuice on September 28, 2015, 12:37:20 PMAnyway thanks for the advice. You're just another person who seems convinced that I have gender dysphoria. Maybe the more I hear it the more I'll accept I have no choice over this.

Oh there are always choices, it is just a pity that they tend to be cr*ppy ones 

Yup I suppose that is what I'm realising which depresses me a bit. No choice is a good choice, there's just the best one. Oh the doctor I've been seeing mainly and who I got referred to initially from my GP was a neurologist. So he's referred me to a cardiologist but it'll be him who will do the brain scan.

I feel hopeless all the time when it comes to feeling and being two different people.

Deep down inside I know that I should be a woman and that I want to be a woman, then I look at myself and my body and my manners and think there is no way in hell that will ever come to being who I am because I don't look like a woman at all, total opposite.

I see pictures of Transgender Woman and I am just stunned at their beauty and what they have achieved and I get so envious and so jealous of them and so proud that I have those feelings anyway.

Nobody ever said our lives would ever be easy no matter what we deal with in as humans and  I have realized this.

If I want to make that transition I am the only one that will prevent myself from doing it unless I see a Gender Therapist and they say its not a good idea.

I keep using my age as an excuse of why I can't do it or why its too late when in fact that is just my own excuse to convince myself that I am better off a man than a woman even though my soul is telling myself that you are female you jerk and you need to do something about it.