Paige, I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now.  Although I'm not in your current situation, when I was married, I felt trapped and I so unhappy.  I wanted to leave but there were so many fears of the unknown that it took me 2 more years before I finally left.  Now, she's happily remarried, my daughter and I are super close, and I'm able to transition.  I even told my ex-wife about it and she has been supportive.

Now, I'm not saying to leave your wife or anything like that.  What I'm trying to get at is that maybe she's scared, maybe your scared.  Changes happen and whatever you decide, things tend to work out.  The nightmare scenarios we tend to create in our heads rarely if ever actually happen.  What ever happens, you should do what is best for YOU and your family.  You can't take care of your family if you don't take care of YOU first.

Quote from: buttertly on September 26, 2015, 01:56:29 AM
One of the things your wife is more aware of than yourself is the community of women. I never realized the extent of it. Men leave each other alone but women can't leave people alone. Also many have an absolute hatred of transwomen. Your wife would have heard their vitriol.

She knows that if you transition, she will be the subject of hatred too.

Yes. That's true. Friends of my wife... I can not talk to them. Actually they were the worst group of people in my journey. And, if some of them were Catholic, it was beyond my control. The worst enemy to transgender people.

Fortunately, nowadays Facebook and other SNS, where I can find more women supportive of me. Women are far more diverse than men in gender preference. A few women treat me like a celebrity. For example, when I posted photos of wearing bikini, a few women criticized me while other women aggressively defended me.

As we moved from the U.S. to my country (S. Korea) about 10 years ago, my wife did not have so many friends, which was good. If a few women dared to argue on my wearing women's clothes, my wife rebutted it easily. Nowadays, most women my wife meets do not say anything bad on my appearance. They just accept it. Even some women and men admire my confidence because I have managed to wear women's clothes in public.

barbie~~

Locked until I can clean this thread up



Unlocked

Quote from: Gladys-phylis on September 25, 2015, 07:00:29 PM
Hi Paige,

To make a long story short, I started tucking almost all the time (using a homemade gaff, check YouTube ) . For me this provided an almost immediate mental relief. I believe it in part had to do with a reduction in my testosterone. A lot of the noise that was occurring dissipated and I felt calmer, less anxious and more confident. I decided that I would continue tucking going forward so I told my wife. I explained the significant benefits it gave me and she was not opposed to it (although she didn't want to see it). After eight months I started to perceive some slight physical changes consistent with those who go on t blockers. This was completely unexpected but very welcomed. This experience has helped to put things into perspective and greatly clarify the path ahead for me. I've gotten a clear sense that proceeding on a path towards transition is absolutely the right direction for me. I told my wife that I feel sooo much better post tucking, why would I ever go back? It's hard for her to argue with that. Why would I intentionally do something that makes me miserable? We can both see that that doesn't make any sense.  I'm taking things sloooowly, but at least I'm going in the right direction! I wish you well and hope you find a solution that provides you some relief. Take care [emoji3]

Hi Gladys-phylis,

Thank you so much for the post.  So it's funny you bring up tucking.  Someone posted their video on tucking a week or so ago on Susans so I decided to give it a try.   It does make me feel a bit better.   I'll have to see how it goes.

I do feel that every little step like this one seems to be leading me to the inevitable.

Take care,
Paige

Quote from: Autumnleaf on September 26, 2015, 09:47:56 AM

Paige, I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult spot right now.  Although I'm not in your current situation, when I was married, I felt trapped and I so unhappy.  I wanted to leave but there were so many fears of the unknown that it took me 2 more years before I finally left.  Now, she's happily remarried, my daughter and I are super close, and I'm able to transition.  I even told my ex-wife about it and she has been supportive.

Now, I'm not saying to leave your wife or anything like that.  What I'm trying to get at is that maybe she's scared, maybe your scared.  Changes happen and whatever you decide, things tend to work out.  The nightmare scenarios we tend to create in our heads rarely if ever actually happen.  What ever happens, you should do what is best for YOU and your family.  You can't take care of your family if you don't take care of YOU first.

Thanks Autumnleaf.  I glad it turned out well for you.  You're so right about the nightmare scenarios.  I think way too much about that sort of stuff.  Every time I visit with friends or family, I'm always thinking how this person or that person will react.   I need to stop that.  It's paralyzing and my real nightmare scenario is that I'm in constant limbo, unable to live my life.

Thanks for the support,
Paige

*ouch*

Quotemy real nightmare scenario is that I in constant limbo, unable to live my life

That hit bulls eye.

Sometimes I think that has already happened, at least in some areas of my life.
Then I think that transitioning would not really take me out of that limbo--
does being trans mean that one is stuck in the limbo for all eternity?

Quote from: Bunter on September 30, 2015, 02:24:59 PM
*ouch*
That hit bulls eye.

Sometimes I think that has already happened, at least in some areas of my life.
Then I think that transitioning would not really take me out of that limbo--
does being trans mean that one is stuck in the limbo for all eternity?

Hi Bunter,

Don't really know the answer to that question.  I also sometimes wonder if it's a grass is greener on the other side of the fence sort of thing.  But for me, it's getting worse daily and I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to have some sort of breakdown. 

This is like walking a tightrope, one slip and my world falls apart, but I'm getting tired and my balance is starting to go.

Thanks for the comment,
Paige

Unable from one day to the next to figure out who I present. No surgery, no hrt, but lots of other small things that transition in gender. Presenting as male, but some place on the non-binary edge. For now that place is safe, and transitional. I can move around. But there are parts of transition that aren't reversible. I have an impossible time committing to a tattoo.

Quote from: Samantha-Marie on October 12, 2015, 10:55:02 PM
Unable from one day to the next to figure out who I present. No surgery, no hrt, but lots of other small things that transition in gender. Presenting as male, but some place on the non-binary edge. For now that place is safe, and transitional. I can move around. But there are parts of transition that aren't reversible. I have an impossible time committing to a tattoo.

Hi Samantha,

Yes I'm a little like you.  I have a hard time getting off the fence and making a decision especially for big decisions like this. 

Thanks for the post,
Paige

Hi All,

A bit of an update.  I have the opportunity to start attending group sessions this week.   I tried to go to this group a couple of years ago but chickened out.  The sessions are all aspects of the transgender life not just full transition.  Various experts will give presentations each week.

My wife is totally against it.  She says it will wreck our marriage.  She's always coming at me with this slippery slope argument.  She says this is just another thing on my way to fully transition.  Maybe she's right, I do so want to be me.  But I've constantly put off taking any major steps for the sake of my family.   I know if I go she'll be really peeved.

I'm really starting to resent how it's always about how it will affect her.  She never seems to be the least bit concerned with how this is tearing me apart.   As I've said in the past, she's known for almost 30 years but I get no credit for not doing anything during that time.  I can understand how this is no picnic for her but really a little empathy would be helpful.  Maybe she just wants me to divorce her, but doesn't want to bring it up herself?

Not sure what to do,
Paige

Paige,
I'm a little late to this thread and I haven't read all three pages so I don't know if anyone has said it this way.  Your wife may be doing all the things you've mentioned because she's really scared.  Assuming other areas of your relationship are OK, you said you've been together for 30 years so that's got to be somewhat of a comfort to her.  Now change comes and it may be frightening her.  She may be scared of other peoples reactions, she may be scared that you'll eventually leave and she'll be alone or a combination of things.  I'm not saying this is the case but it might be something, if you feel comfortable doing so, you could talk to her about.  I will say I was on a very low dose HRT after my wife realized what I was suppressing and it did help.

Bev

Quote from: Paige on October 13, 2015, 12:50:01 PM
Hi All,

A bit of an update.  I have the opportunity to start attending group sessions this week.   I tried to go to this group a couple of years ago but chickened out.  The sessions are all aspects of the transgender life not just full transition.  Various experts will give presentations each week.

My wife is totally against it.  She says it will wreck our marriage.  She's always coming at me with this slippery slope argument.  She says this is just another thing on my way to fully transition.  Maybe she's right, I do so want to be me.  But I've constantly put off taking any major steps for the sake of my family.   I know if I go she'll be really peeved.

I'm really starting to resent how it's always about how it will affect her.  She never seems to be the least bit concerned with how this is tearing me apart.   As I've said in the past, she's known for almost 30 years but I get no credit for not doing anything during that time.  I can understand how this is no picnic for her but really a little empathy would be helpful.  Maybe she just wants me to divorce her, but doesn't want to bring it up herself?

Not sure what to do,
Paige

Livng as a transexual will put you in the doghouse with all strange women. They loathe us.

The bullying is...intense.

I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.

Six years ago after the excrement hit the air handler again in my life, I knew I needed to seriously do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. Without a doubt, after two failed experiments in my younger days, transition was absolutely the very LAST thing on my to-do list. Nevertheless, I was in the boonies now, needed support of some sort and eventually found a "local" support group some 90 miles away.

I was totally blown away after my first meeting. Actually being in a room filled with others like me, having almost the same stories and feelings as me. "OK a one time fluke" I thought. The next month, the same thing. By the end of the third meeting I knew I was rapidly approaching, if not passed, the point of filling in my wife on what's happening. (We were living several states away due to my new job) When she learned that most to about all the members were either transitioned or working towards it, she was even more concerned. "A duck hanging out with geese is bound to think she's a goose"

A funny thing happened on my way to self actualization, slowly transitioning was no longer absolutely the last thing on my mind. As I slowly learned, actually unlearned, I began to once again see and even experience joy. Joy is addicting. Especially when Shame & Guilt are not always coming around to kill it. Low dose HRT eventually led to higher. The emotional effects of lowered T and higher E were profound. Same for feeling the results of the hard work on healing myself.

Of the many things I learned these six or so years is that how you feel today is not necessarily the same you'll be feeling tomorrow. Like 30 some years ago when I told my wife about my gender issues, failed experiments, HRT, that I was "Just a CD".

She is far from happy about the updated letters. She is very happy about the updated me, as a person. Over the years I turned into a lifeless, soulless thing, always angry says she. Today I live in total fear of ever reverting back to that thing I was. I live in fear of needing to go further then I am. Want and need are different. In a perfect world I would. Mine is FAR from perfect.

One of the other things I learned is it is difficult to be be totally honest with others and even more difficult to be totally honest with yourself, when you have no idea who and what you truly are. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do know a lot more of who the real me is

Quote from: JoanneB on November 08, 2015, 11:24:50 AM
I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.

Six years ago after the excrement hit the air handler again in my life, I knew I needed to seriously do something about how I was NOT handling being trans. Without a doubt, after two failed experiments in my younger days, transition was absolutely the very LAST thing on my to-do list. Nevertheless, I was in the boonies now, needed support of some sort and eventually found a "local" support group some 90 miles away.

I was totally blown away after my first meeting. Actually being in a room filled with others like me, having almost the same stories and feelings as me. "OK a one time fluke" I thought. The next month, the same thing. By the end of the third meeting I knew I was rapidly approaching, if not passed, the point of filling in my wife on what's happening. (We were living several states away due to my new job) When she learned that most to about all the members were either transitioned or working towards it, she was even more concerned. "A duck hanging out with geese is bound to think she's a goose"

A funny thing happened on my way to self actualization, slowly transitioning was no longer absolutely the last thing on my mind. As I slowly learned, actually unlearned, I began to once again see and even experience joy. Joy is addicting. Especially when Shame & Guilt are not always coming around to kill it. Low dose HRT eventually led to higher. The emotional effects of lowered T and higher E were profound. Same for feeling the results of the hard work on healing myself.

Of the many things I learned these six or so years is that how you feel today is not necessarily the same you'll be feeling tomorrow. Like 30 some years ago when I told my wife about my gender issues, failed experiments, HRT, that I was "Just a CD".

She is far from happy about the updated letters. She is very happy about the updated me, as a person. Over the years I turned into a lifeless, soulless thing, always angry says she. Today I live in total fear of ever reverting back to that thing I was. I live in fear of needing to go further then I am. Want and need are different. In a perfect world I would. Mine is FAR from perfect.

One of the other things I learned is it is difficult to be be totally honest with others and even more difficult to be totally honest with yourself, when you have no idea who and what you truly are. I don't know if I'll ever know. I do know a lot more of who the real me is

Thanks so much Joanne, you always make me feel better.  I know exactly how you feel about feeling soulless and lifeless.  The days when I could accept my maleness are gone.  Now I just continue this way so not to upset the family.  It's not good for me, but it seems to work for everyone else.

So I've started going to a rather large group for transgender people (woman, men and gender fluid.), most are in the early stages, pre everything.  It's moderated by a trans-woman and a trans-man.  Everyone is quite nice and understanding.  Very informative, not really sure where this will lead.

Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment and will once again have the option to low dose.  We'll see how it goes.   Right now the whole idea scares the crap out of me.  Maybe I just do it for 3 months to see how I feel but I suspect once I get it I'll be hooked.

Thanks everyone for all the support.
Paige

Quote from: JoanneB on November 08, 2015, 11:24:50 AM
I'm also a bit late. In some ways your wife is 100% correct with the "Slippery Slope" argument. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times over the past several decades. It works. It eases the anxieties, stops the overwhelming racket in your head, you feel better being you. I always had to stop when the point came months later and long after the peace treaty, when things started happening below the belt. A direct contradiction with trying to be a normal(ish) guy.

Hi Joanne,

When things started "happening below the belt", did you try Viagra.  I heard some people use a pump and ring, or a dido with harness.     

Even if I was to keep it working, I'm not sure my wife would like it.  If I started having larger breasts and nipples, I'm pretty sure that would be a turn off for her.   She's already gets squeamish about my lack of body hair.

Unfortunately I think I may be headed for a divorce.

Thanks again for all the help,
Paige

Hi All,

So my doctor put me on Spiro today.  To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E.  I'm not sure of this.   I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit.  My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.

Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.

This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige

Quote from: Paige on November 09, 2015, 06:14:54 PM
Hi All,

So my doctor put me on Spiro today.  To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E.  I'm not sure of this.   I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit.  My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.

Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.

This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige

Side effects from Spiro?  No more pigging out on bananas? Or more common with a lot of women in my group, a craving for all things pickled.

Low T?  Stop stinkin like a guy. A lot less depressed. Not as easily to fall into that depression death spiral where you blame yourself and your lot in life for everything bad in the world around you.  OK, less energy, loss of strength, thin skinned as in thin skin and not so sense of humor.

My "lowered" T days was a long time ago when Viagra was only a thought experiment or just coming out for ED at buko bucks. The bottom line was I had to stop E. Being a bit gynocomastic to start with a little change upstairs was no immediate worry... yet. Just a lot more divergent from "Normal"

These days my wife is not exactly thrilled about "the bumps on my chest". But given the likely alternative of "coming home to find me swinging from a rafter in the garage" (TBH-vaporized by a 'Jersey Divider' at 100MPH, but I digress), she prefers the bumps.

Quote from: JoanneB on November 09, 2015, 08:55:26 PM
Side effects from Spiro?  No more pigging out on bananas? Or more common with a lot of women in my group, a craving for all things pickled.

Low T?  Stop stinkin like a guy. A lot less depressed. Not as easily to fall into that depression death spiral where you blame yourself and your lot in life for everything bad in the world around you.  OK, less energy, loss of strength, thin skinned as in thin skin and not so sense of humor.

My "lowered" T days was a long time ago when Viagra was only a thought experiment or just coming out for ED at buko bucks. The bottom line was I had to stop E. Being a bit gynocomastic to start with a little change upstairs was no immediate worry... yet. Just a lot more divergent from "Normal"

These days my wife is not exactly thrilled about "the bumps on my chest". But given the likely alternative of "coming home to find me swinging from a rafter in the garage" (TBH-vaporized by a 'Jersey Divider' at 100MPH, but I digress), she prefers the bumps.

Thanks so much Joanne,

I actually do eat a lot of bananas.   I guess I'll stop that.   I'm curious to know if spiro gets rid of my negative moods. Don't like the idea of my energy going down.

So you're off anti-T and E right now?  What was it like stopping.  I imagine it would be pretty horrible to feel right and then go back to your old self.

Take care,
Paige

Quote from: Paige on November 09, 2015, 06:14:54 PM
Hi All,

So my doctor put me on Spiro today.  To see how I feel with reduced T and as a possible lead up to E.  I'm not sure of this.   I looked at the side effects and it concerned me quite a bit.  My wife thinks this is just another step down the path and is quite unhappy.

Me I'm just looking for some sort of solution.

This is so emotionally draining.
Take care all,
Paige

Yeah Paige!

Good for you!  The side effects of spiro like dehydration are controllable, we drink more;-)  More importantly I bet you are going to feel better, maybe much better for taking a solid step for yourself.  I love the many positive changes but did feel a little flat for the first week.  How are you doing?

Quote from: Tessa James on November 10, 2015, 11:48:49 AM
Yeah Paige!

Good for you!  The side effects of spiro like dehydration are controllable, we drink more;-)  More importantly I bet you are going to feel better, maybe much better for taking a solid step for yourself.  I love the many positive changes but did feel a little flat for the first week.  How are you doing?

Hi Tessa,

So I'm just trying this to see if it will give me some relief from my dysphoria.  I'm not sure if it will progress from here.  With that said I'm feeling very emotional, my breasts seem to be much more sensitive.  I keep needing to massage them.  My nipples have mostly been erect since I started.  I didn't sleep much last night and I should be tired but I'm not the least bit tired.  I suspect it's pretty well all psychological, for just trying this.  That stuff seems to kick in fast.  It might be because I've been on dutasteride for almost a year.

I'm really torn right now.   If I progress my marriage is very likely to fall apart but I've become a bit of zombie and I'm not sure if there's any other solution that keeps me on this planet. 

Thanks for the comment Tessa,
Paige