I thought if I moved out of my parents home it would give me more peace of mind, as I wouldn't have to worrying about what they thought as much, but that didn't work.  I haven't actually come out to them, but I wanted to get therapy and stuff first before I tell anyone.

I'm sitting here with my dog, crying to myself because of the noise in my head and I'm so terrified of everything.  I don't want to be trans, I just want to be a normal boy (I'm mtf), why can't my brain just accept that.  I'm so terrified of the idea of me walking around in a dress with a big man's face, everyone pointing and laughing at the freak.  I just can't do that, I would rather die.  Every time I see a trans person's photo who doesn't pass I get anxiety thinking that could be me, and I couldn't deal with it.  I know that sounds awful, I have much respect for people who can do that, but I'm just not strong enough.  I'm placing all my hope in the chance that a low-dose HRT will quieten the dysphoria to the extent that I can function, but still present as a boy.  But people keep saying it might make my dysphoria worse, I just don't know what to do.  I feel mostly "not male" with some "maybe female".

I wanted to at least make it to the new year, then see a gender therapist for a year or so until I finish my degree and get a decent enough job where I could support myself without my families help, in case they disown me.  I can support myself now, but that could change with the welfare reforms that are happening in the UK atm.  But honestly, I have aspergers and anxiety, I don't know if I could function without my family at all. I need them but they're very religious and didn't take me being gay very well, although they didn't disown me, they still disagree with gay marriage, etc. 

Also, when I ask for support some times hardly any replies making me think my situation is without hope, no one cares or I'm just boring.  It's like when people say "if only they'd asked me for help!" after someone commits suicide, well maybe they did and no one listened.

Look I dont know if this will help, but over the three decades that I've been postop I've seen and helped literally hundreds of people transition. When you see their pics and they don't pass generally thats simpy because that particular person is still early in the process.

I had the benefit of having first semi transitioned as a child of five - its so much easier at that age! And even though I then detransitioned in puberty before retransitioning in my twenties I had that experience to draw upon

For those who don't, its somewhat ineveitable that they will look like, to use your words "men in dresses" for the first few months and then gradually they change... they start to blend. I've seen it happen time and again. So looking at someone and thinking "they will never pass" is often very hasty and 99% of the time completely and utterly unjust - because look at that person again just six months later and your impression will almost certainly be different.

What I'm trying to tell you is that while some people are luckier than others with their looks, most people do reach a place where they can blend in sufficiently well not to be seen as a man in a dress and so your fears are unfounded.

You have thought this out well but you need to take a different view of this. If you are on blockers it may calm your mind enough that you can function as the blockers have far more effect than the hormones . The hormones help when you see your body transforming into something you are more comfortable with. You need to see a gender therapist to sort this out because you are very close to the problem and you need an outside view. With work, most of us pass well but there have been times when I didn't. The trick is that over time you become so comfortable with your self that if you are spotted by somebody, it doesn't bother you.

There is much you can work on without your parents knowing and even without hormones you may have a passable image. The only way you will know is if you try it. We will help you see what you are capable of but you will need to make a commitment to do the work.

Quote from: Rejennyrated on October 11, 2015, 01:30:04 PM
Look I dont know if this will help, but over the three decades that I've been postop I've seen and helped literally hundreds of people transition. When you see their pics and they don't pass generally thats simpy because that particular person is still early in the process.

I had the benefit of having first semi transitioned as a child of five - its so much easier at that age! And even though I then detransitioned in puberty before retransitioning in my twenties I had that experience to draw upon

For those who don't, its somewhat ineveitable that they will look like, to use your words "men in dresses" for the first few months and then gradually they change... they start to blend. I've seen it happen time and again. So looking at someone and thinking "they will never pass" is often very hasty and 99% of the time completely and utterly unjust - because look at that person again just six months later and your impression will almost certainly be different.

What I'm trying to tell you is that while some people are luckier than others with their looks, most people do reach a place where they can blend in sufficiently well not to be seen as a man in a dress and so your fears are unfounded.

That does help, thank you.  How long do the facial changes take before completing?  Years like regular puberty?

There is a transgender woman on my facebook, who has been on hormones for over a year and, while they have shown definite changes, they still don't look completely female.  Some of her trans friends don't look very female at all, and afaik, they've been on hormones for a while.  Then I saw video footage from a Trans beauty pageant and some of those women were very male looking.

I have my short stature on my side, but I have a big nose and I think I look masculine but not really sure.

Quote from: Dena on October 11, 2015, 01:34:11 PM
You have thought this out well but you need to take a different view of this. If you are on blockers it may calm your mind enough that you can function as the blockers have far more effect than the hormones . The hormones help when you see your body transforming into something you are more comfortable with. You need to see a gender therapist to sort this out because you are very close to the problem and you need an outside view. With work, most of us pass well but there have been times when I didn't. The trick is that over time you become so comfortable with your self that if you are spotted by somebody, it doesn't bother you.

There is much you can work on without your parents knowing and even without hormones you may have a passable image. The only way you will know is if you try it. We will help you see what you are capable of but you will need to make a commitment to do the work.

Thank you, Dena.  I know I have to see a therapist eventually but I was hoping to wait until next year, I don't like feeling like I'm being rushing into something I don't want to do by the dysphoria.  Can you suggest ways of dealing with it until I feel more ready to see a therapist?  Would exercise, meditiation, etc help?

Quote from: windlep on October 11, 2015, 01:56:35 PM
That does help, thank you.  How long do the facial changes take before completing?  Years like regular puberty?

...

I have my short stature on my side, but I have a big nose and I think I look masculine but not really sure.

Well I'm 31 years postop and about 35 post my adult transition... I also had about 10 years as a child when I lived as a rather androgynous being... and told my classmates and friends that I was a "girl in disguise" so I had partially transitioned.

Anyway to judge by reactions I get these days its been a very long time (decades) since I had the sense that anyone I haven't already told read me as anything other than female.

When did this happen? I dont know to be honest, but sometime between three and five years, I guess, after my transition. It certainly doesnt happen overnight or indeed over a couple of years - this is a long game to play.

The other thing is this. Paradoxically many transwomen fail because they try too hard. The overly perfect presentation can actually be more of a giveaway than slightly masculine features. Look around, many women have one or more masculine features, what they don't do is try to "hide" them - thats a mistake which only draws attention. What they do is work out a style which suits their look and then the features in question just become part of them and nothing unusual.

Hi Windlep,

It sounds as though you could benefit from seeing a therapist now.  Why wait and suffer?  Seeing a therapist is not a commitment to doing anything.  It could help you sort out your thoughts.

Transitioning, or being transgendered, does't mean you have to walk around in a dress and feel like a freak.  It can be as simple as recognizing you have a feminine part to yourself that you need to express, and I don't necessarily mean acting effeminate.  You can be empathetic, kind, supporting, nurturing, or cultivate any number of attributes which are pleasing to a feminine spirit, without changing your outward appearance at all.

Not to get too far ahead, but if you do eventually want to try hormone therapy, I can tell you from personal experience that even low doses can virtually eliminate the dysphoria you feel.  Of course, everyone is different, but my point is not to build up monsters in your head. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.  Life sometimes presents solutions we didn't know we had, or were not available previously.

In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up. You're still young, and you have the whole world out there to explore!

With kindness,

Terri

Quote from: windlep on October 11, 2015, 02:00:20 PM
Thank you, Dena.  I know I have to see a therapist eventually but I was hoping to wait until next year, I don't like feeling like I'm being rushing into something I don't want to do by the dysphoria.  Can you suggest ways of dealing with it until I feel more ready to see a therapist?  Would exercise, meditiation, etc help?

Distractions help some. The worst times for me were when I was idle in bed waiting for sleep. It's different from person to person but you want something that turns the mind off completely or demands it's full effort. For me that full effort was computer programming and the worst the problem, the more distracting. In your case, I suspect family may have helped distract you and now you are by yourself you are feeling the pain worst. Seeing a therapist will not mean you have to make changes in your life. The transition is something you do only if you want and you do it at the speed you want. Mine was pretty slow because I didn't have a clue what to do or where to find the information I needed. Consider a therapist as soon as possible but transition only when you feel ready.

I agree with Dena. I would add, consider going to group. You do not need to present and there are a lot of different aspects to trans at group. It also helps to make a friend or two.

Hi Windlep

I like you am terrified of the idea of walking around outside in a dress.  I am quite obviously a male on the outside.  But no one is telling me I have to.  A friend of mine said he couldn't imagine me in a pair of Daisy Duke shorts.  I laughed and said I couldn't either, at least not for a while yet.    For one I am too old for shorts and the second I really need to wok on my figure.  I gotta lose at least 50 lbs.  I did say that by the time I am 60, that's 12 years from now I want to walk out of my house in a little black dress and totally own it.  And one day, you can too.

For now just wear what makes you feel comfortable, be it baggy jogging bottoms or whatever.  Being trans is not a race.

Dear Staff, I hope this link is ok to repost here.  I saw it somewhere else on these forums but thought I would ask.

http://letsqueerthingsup.com/2015/09/02/its-not-a-race/

Hi Windlep.

Like you, I have Aspergers and I am transgender.  Unlike you, every time I looked into transitioning I found a reason not to, and now I am 52 and still have not transitioned. 

I did a pretty fair job of living as a man.  I got married, had a kid, got divorced, got remarried to someone much better, and things were going along okay until about ten years ago, when I started having anxiety and panic attacks and high blood pressure, and really did not know why.

Until late last year, when I found out that crossdressing "mysteriously" lowered my blood pressure and stopped the panic attacks.

You can make lots of excuses not to transition.  For me, the first go around, in college in 1982, was that I was a broke college student, and all the transgender resources in the U.S. were on the opposite coast, and you had to pay for everything yourself.  The second time, in 1990, was that it was classified as a mental illness, I had just finished law school, and I did not want to lose my law license.  The third time, in 2000, I saw a pretty little non passable transgender girl get mistreated in court by a judge, and I was going through a divorce and a custody fight over my son.

But even though I convinced myself three times that I was not transgender, it eventually caught up with me, and the stress of living as a man started tearing my body apart.

Don't worry about whether you will pass.  I have a big nose too, and I figure a plastic surgeon can take care of that pretty well.  And magical little things will happen when you learn what clothing works well for you.

I can tell you one thing.  If you truly are transgender, fighting yourself will only cause a lot of pain, while living as yourself will bring contentment and happiness.