I never really thought of this until more recently. I am a 23 year old transgender female and I act very feminine, all the time. Though not everyone in the world may agree with that, and that's ok.
I have alot of fear of "regression." I presented as a male for roughly the first 18 years if my life, though it was clear and apparent that I was very unsatisfactory in that role. I was often tormented by other boys and called many deragatory names on a regular basis. Sometimes I was touched in places and just completely tormented for being nothing like the boys in my grade. I gravitated towards girls though I still didn't necessarily feel accepted. I was comfortable with them. They didn't seem to have it in their nature to do anything to hurt me.
I realize now that all of us as human beings have a masculine and feminine side. I can't say as though I was ever a satisfactory male. I struggled greatly in that role, but now sometimes I think of "what if I did try it?"
With the sexual maturity I have now, I have a concept for what that is like. It seems like most of the time I just stress myself out by being feminine in nature all the time without balancing that out with the masculine side.
I am not saying anything like go as far as detransition, no way. Though what I am asking is if anyone here has REALLY gone to great measure on acting and playing the role of their assigned gender and what the experience was like and how it became apparent that it was not really who you were or not the way you could live your life if you were to have any chance at happiness.

Yes, I did what you described and I was very successful at it too.  I got sent off to an all male military school when I was 13 "to be cured".  Actually, my parents never said that was rhe reason but it was pretty obvious, coming just a month or two after telling me I was sick, crazy, etc.

Anyway, I adapted and played the part and was hugely successful in everything there, academics, athletics, and leadership.

Then I moved on to a prestigious nearly all male college where I did well and then on into the Army choosing the most "macho" jobs.

I never had any problems with the act although the whole time I really did know that it really was an act.  There was never any real doubt about that in my mind.

So succeeding with the act was pretty easy.  But it left me near suicidal by the time I was about 44.

Did it make me happy?  Well, being successful at things is nice no matter what so in that respect yes.  But when it leaves you full of cynicism and wanting to die in the end I would say the ultimate answer is no.

The thing is that the characteristics inside that made me successful in the act would just as well have made me successful if I could have transitioned at 13 and had another life.  But that wasn't an option then.  Given an option I wouldn't recommend my path to anyone.


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Yes, I did. I got my EE degree and started a family.... just like the church elders told me to do. That was back when pray the gay away was "real." I was handsome, had lots of friends, but no best friend. I was always very lonely. Even when I was married, I was very lonely. I will say that my ex of that period gave me the best kisses I've ever had. She was and remains a very classy lady. We remained good friends for a number of years but that was cut short by her hubby in 2006. Now we are polite to each other when we meet. She was absolutely the one true love of my life.

Am I happy I did it? I'm terribly grateful for my kids. They are smarter and more talented than I am. It's been a tough road for us. I paid a heavy child support, which was my privilege, managed to create a college fund for them for their first two years. When they were young, I was able to visit with them and take them on trips. When they left the nest, we became distant. When I wrote my book, they cut me off. But now, 8 years later, we are getting back together. I spent a few months in Utah this year and saw my son 5 times, my daughter once, my daughter in law, son in law, and my son's kids once. That's pretty good all things considered.

I am and was significantly distressed by all the pain I put my family through over the years. While I do not regret any of my actions, I do understand their anguish. That was hard.

I just divorced my husband of over two decades in May of this year. Turns out he's been homophobic from the start. Go figure. The even that shook my world was a year ago and I'm getting over it.... finally. My heart was split wide open by that surprise and it WAS a surprise. We never argued and I thought we were getting along pretty well. But he changed his life style, became a geezer biker and found someone younger to go biking with. I get that part and can deal with it. As I look back, I know that he did become homophobic. That's when all intimate contact stopped. Still I considered him my hubby and best friend. I thought I could tell him anything and did. It turns out the conversation was rather lopsided.

If I were 13 years old, right now? I'd be on hormone blockers. But I had it figured out when I was only three. When I give advice, I always tell people to try one last time to go back just to make sure. I know that no one really tries that. Believe it or not, I did. So, I know with no doubts what I did was the right thing to do.

Cindi

Yes, I did and am living that way.  I've lived the macho life in high school and college with football ,baseball, motorcycle racing, track and cross country enduro, tactical shooting, lifting weights, hunting, multiple marathons, the list goes on. I've always protected the weak, feeble, gay, feminine etc when my peers would attack them out of the blue, because they were me.  They were who I was inside. My first bouts with any transition were crushed with homophobes and an oppressive manly father, the second attempt came while I was married, that didn't fly and now my sheer size as well as hardly any hair has kept me hidden for the most part.  I now have girlfriend that I do feminine things with and she loves it.  But she sees it as I'm an Alfa male because I'm not afraid of my feminine side.  So we watch chick flicks and give eachother pedicures, talk for hours on end while we sip wine, go shopping for dresses and shoes (she loves my taste in dresses and shoes) the list goes on.
It's a living hell in a way, but I do make a good boyfriend or husband because of my feminine side.  I don't know if I'll ever transition, and that's a sad prospect.
Xx

Yup. I've done it. I was the only 3 sport male athlete at my high school, runner up for "Best athlete" in my yearbook senior year. Went to college and was a 2 sport athlete for one season each and then decided that the weight lifting regime was not for me. Met a girl on my first day at college, lost my virginity to her and then ended up marrying her. We have a beautiful daughter and another on the way. We own a nice house in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs less than 5 miles from the ocean. We live in a good school district and I work at a bank.

Sounds like the ideal life right?

It isn't. It's so god damn stifling I can't stand it. How many guys would kill for my life? Probably a lot. I hate it, it's not me. I've had trouble connecting with people my whole life, but that tends to happen when you need to keep the majority of your identity bottled up. Oh and god forbid you slip up and do, say, or gesture something girly, people will never let you forget it. I ended up eating my feelings and damn near killed myself by heart attack. Lately I've lost 100 lbs and everyone tells me how great I look, I just don't see it.

No sorry, that's not the way to live and I shan't be doing it much longer.

If I had known how life would be now, I probably would have insisted publicly that I was a girl at age 8 instead of praying to turn into a girl while sobbing myself to sleep at night in private.

The one big truth with being Transgender is that no matter how hard You fight it and how hard you repress the real You Your true nature will always be there with You and You can never really truly be happy until you can live the life that you need to.as with the large majority of MTFs I did all the Macho things to show that I was who others perceived me as .Always hiding my real self .Avoiding social interaction as much as I could to avoid giving myself away. been married 3 times got 2 wonderful Children but in the end the real Me won and I am now the happiest I have ever been living as a Woman full time .I can now relax for the first time in my life and just be ME .In my case I fought it for nearly 60 years I now deeply regret the Years I lost I now know that I should have done it thirty or more Years ago and My life would have been very different

I always found it hard to live up to the male image that society expected.When I was about thirteen or fourteen I began to dream about wearing skirts and having long hair and looking pretty.Those thoughts wouldn't go and I had to work hard to repress them.I worried constantly about not being macho like the other boys and couldn't understand why I wasn't.Back then I knew nothing of transgender or bigender or anything.I left school and worked hard trying to live up to the male stereotype but never really succeeding,always insecure and frustrated really.One day as I was trying to figure things out I found the cogiatti test online,i took it and although I know it isn't scientific or definitive I found I was androgyne.I hadn't even heard the word before but it sounded beautiful to me.I had finally found myself and I realised that human beings are all different,there are no stereotypes and you can`t live your live conforming to what others think you should be.

Sometimes I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I didn't give femininity the ol' college try. I've made a couple of half-hearted attempts in my adult life (I wanted to make sure that I was moving in the right direction, and that my discomfort with my body wasn't because I wanted to be MORE female looking) but I never really committed, and that troubles me a little.

I'm kind of like the OP, I guess. I'd love to hear some FTM perspectives here as well.

It got easier for me as I got older.

I was a bookish sort of kid and managed to keep my nose clean and out of the way of bullies.

Being a social chameleon I can blend into most situations, but I can honestly say that it's a front - it's like you can sort of enjoy the situation but not really as much as the others.

KatelynBG,

I can totally relate to your situation, on the outside my life is pretty sweet.  It can be stifling at times but I've made my peace for now, and the promises I made myself when I got into my current situation are self binding.

Quote from: CosmicJoke on October 20, 2015, 07:02:57 PM
Though what I am asking is if anyone here has REALLY gone to great measure on acting and playing the role of their assigned gender and what the experience was like and how it became apparent that it was not really who you were or not the way you could live your life if you were to have any chance at happiness.

I didn't know any better. I didn't "feel like a woman" so I assumed I was just a cis guy who wanted to be female. I dated, got married, acted like a dad. I was always much more comfortable with females as friends and I always liked media (books, movies, music) intended for females, but I figured that's just the sort of man I was. I wasn't macho and I didn't feel I needed to be, but neither was I girly in any way. I didn't wear feminine clothing, didn't do girly things, etc.

But married life meant that it was very hard to make friends with women. They typically thought I was trying to have an affair (totally not true - I never strayed from my marriage). I had a couple friends left over from before being married, but that's it. I was lonely and disconnected, and I decided to try to figure out why I couldn't fit in with men.

I decided I might be non-binary, which led me to Susan's Place and the non-binary section here. The more I explored, the more I realized that transitioning to live as a female would be a better fit for me.

Been there, done that, several times. In the last fifteen years, I've attempted to live like a "real woman" for the most part, under pressure from family and for work reasons. And have been completely miserable as a result. I'd buy dresses, panty hose, grow out my hair, do makeup - the whole nine yards. And I'd always eventually return to dressing like a man after about a year. Gave it one last go this summer and decided that that was it. I've had enough. I want to be me. That isn't me, and it will never be me. So I boxed up all the girlie stuff, gave it away, and bought myself a closet full of guys clothing that I adore. Shopping is no longer the horrific, panic inducing experience that it once was, and getting dressed in the morning feels wonderful. Not like pulling on a costume that I hate.

I've always been bookish,I love history,western,sci-fi.I've always been a woman,and acted male,never was a alpha male,me and alphas clash like a bad rash.I dress butch,blue jeans and t shirts,quit wearing suits when I was 13,got married in jeans and a nice dress shirt.I found when I was younger who I was and accepted that I was female with one thing that classified me as male,so instead of hiding I've lived life too it's fullest.Never went to college,went through 4 trade schools and excelled better then the alphas,I've done jobs where the alphas would could not keep up with me,never did sports for I had a disability. I love my life,married 27 yrs,2 living children,my son is also transgender and I help him alot to try and understand why he feels this way. My wife has no problems with me dressing time too time as long as I don't fully transition,which I can live with for I have no bottom disphoria,as a lesbian that one male part saves me from the trouble of wearing a strap on. My advice is too live life,for when you don't depression has a habit of raising its ugly head,I been dealing with depression since I was 13,and never took meds for it,I also have anger issues that can get down right scary,I was asked once if I was abused as a child or had any trauma in my life,told him nope,he said that's weird for he said I also suffered from ptsd ,asked how did he come too that conclusion,couldn't get a answer,the only trauma I ever faced was beating a bullies arse,and they should have been the trauma victims not me.

Quote from: WorkingOnThomas on October 21, 2015, 09:31:12 AM
Been there, done that, several times. In the last fifteen years, I've attempted to live like a "real woman" for the most part, under pressure from family and for work reasons. And have been completely miserable as a result. I'd buy dresses, panty hose, grow out my hair, do makeup - the whole nine yards. And I'd always eventually return to dressing like a man after about a year. Gave it one last go this summer and decided that that was it. I've had enough. I want to be me. That isn't me, and it will never be me. So I boxed up all the girlie stuff, gave it away, and bought myself a closet full of guys clothing that I adore. Shopping is no longer the horrific, panic inducing experience that it once was, and getting dressed in the morning feels wonderful. Not like pulling on a costume that I hate.

God!  You just described me.  I've bought, hidden, thrown away, bought, wore, thrown away.. Then go all in macho, then maybe just some panties, well maybe some mascara, well I'll just dress at home, ah well, I'll just drive around with a dress and a wig at night, ok I'll stop to get gas in my dress and wig, then go home and throw it away out of disgust for myself... Yep lived that over and over..
That becomes exhausting.  I wish you luck in your endeavor.  I've never been successful with that approach. 
Xx

oh my gosh girls, the more I read your stories the more I can relate and theres this thing on my chest going on I feel like crying.

What else can I say? Your stories are all touching.  I just began this journey. So I am listening, reading, learning.

You are all amazing xx

I am old enough to have grown up with the idea of transitioning being first an impossibility, and then a practical impossibility.  I really had no choice, and with a small (for a man) body and no athletic ability, I first forged an identity as a geek, and later in young adulthood, chose equipment based sports like cycling and skiing where size did not matter.

Three times I researched transitioning, and three times I found a reason not to.  1)  Early 1980's, I was a broke college student, and I would have had to travel across the U.S. or to Europe, and pay for everything myself;  2)  After law school, 1990, found out that Gender Identity Disorder was considered a mental disorder, did not want to lose my law license, so I got married and had kids;  3)  2000, after the divorce, really got serious about it, then saw a young, pretty, not quite passable transgirl get verbally abused by a judge in court.  I had a pending child custody fight going on at the time, so I did not transition, and I remarried.

I also had a father who was the son of an Arkansas preacher.  Dad was quite the busybody, meddler, and manipulator.  He was constantly nosing in my love life, and trying to tell me what car to drive, what career to have, and part of the reason I married the first time was just to get him off my back.

Now, after nearly ten years of fighting panic attacks and high blood pressure, I do not have many choices left.  I can live as the girl I always was inside, or condemn myself to a slow death as the man I was never meant to be.

I planned to come out when i started uni and then chickened out, so i spent the four years trying to find a female identity that worked for me. then i reached a point where i realised that there wasn't one, that i was trying to be some kind of fantasy character and not a real person, and so i knew that i had to start thinking about transitioning as the only option.

When I discovered that I'm transgender, it was quite the shock.  Like most things in life, I went overboard -- tried to pass, tried to act more femme, guh.  There was too much "trying" involved.  I identified as female for a while... that doesn't really fit.  Right now I identify as nonbinary, but I'm kinda leaning towards "male who dresses weirdly femme."  This is all kinda awkward, as I have a meeting with an endo next week and I don't really know what to say.  I've come out to friends, some of whom have taken to calling by a new name.  Socially detransitioning?  Not excited about that conversation... but I've only come out to people I feel safe around, so it'll go better than I fear.

Suzi and I have a fairly similar history.

I would suggest I knew I was putting on an act but didn't know why. I just knew if I didn't something would show.

Joanna

It seems I'm different from most people because I did not attempt to conform at all. Instead I retreated into a kind of insulated bubble in which I felt I was "not the same" as other people. More like my own species. I accepted that view that I was different and it eventually became a point of personal pride and not shame. I don't think at any point did I truly lament not being the same as other kids, or desperately wanting to be like them. I wanted to be liked and popular, sure, but there was no mechanism at work in my mind that told me I would have to do X and Y to get it. Something told me that I would never be like them. Instead I just shrugged at it and went my own way.

It was not difficult as a kid because I didn't need company or love. As an adult it is somewhat more difficult as I formed relationships with people I became very attached to. Even now I know I'm in one that will probably die as a result of my transition and because I've allowed myself to become closer to that person than anyone else, I know it's probably going to cause some grief. It's already caused a lot. I also feel that relationships tax me greatly, and that I don't think I have the energy for more should this one fail, that I have put so much of my soul into. But that also, doesn't feel like a terrible thing. As a child I didn't need other people very much, so perhaps I should try to return to that state. I was quite happy in it.

But I guess ultimately a portion of the grief of my condition has already been dealt with long ago with the personal acceptance that I will never really be like most people. And I have no problem with that. 

I was aware I was not what parents and seemingly everyone wanted me to be for as long as I can remember. Sad at every gift giving occasion and tortured at every formal occasion. When I was 6 or 7 I'd adjusted to the fact that no one would give me the gifts I asked for. We were taught to always be gracious and thankful and I was, just very sad underneath and incredibly awkward. At age 18 I finally got the nerve to end a good bit of torture by successfully refusing to wear women's dress clothes. I told myself if I can't be a boy I'll be my own version of a girl. So I guess I never gave an honest try to be feminine. I just could never stomach it. I tried a purse for 1 day in 7th grade. Didn't see the use for it and it made me feel sick in my stomach the whole day. When I fell asleep at friends' house they put makeup on me when I was blackout drunk and that was hysterical even though the friends who tried it were excellent at makeup and did their own very beautifully. Those were my only attempts.

Looking back I'm amazed at how much I was able to dissociate from.  Being a lesbian with a few close best friends who were also lesbians made it incredibly easier for me to handle until the past several years.


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