Hi sparrow. Thanks for your advice. My therapist and my wife both tell me to take a break from always thinking about gender stuff. It's not easy. Unless I am immersed in my work, the thoughts just appear. I do agree that taking a break is a good thing. But then pushing the problem aside won't make it go away. The problem won't solve itself. If I could just work out what I am and where I fit in the spectrum it would be a huge relief.

How do you take your mind off such a thing? It is something that has completely consumed me. Every direction I look there is something to remind me of gender stuff. How do you block that out?

Jayne

Jayne,

Found out 10 months ago at the age of 61 that I am transgender, came out to my my wife of 42 years immediately who supports me, started Laser and a Gender Therapist 9 months ago, started a very low dose of Estradiol 6 months ago with no spiro, so far minimal physical changes other than hair (first couple of months more reaction to the hormones).

Always knew I was a crossdresser but denied the transgender part and I should have know and regret it but such is life!

Will continue with slow hormone therapy and in 3 to 4 years plan to transition and have GRS

Emily

Hi Emily,

That's is awesome that you have found the courage to do what you need to do. It gives me hope that I might come out of this ok after all. Thank you for sharing.

Jayne

I am a very physical woman so pre transition I used my favorite activity to distract me and give me peace. I went on long walks. Very long. Frequently. And they kept getting longer spreading from 5 and 10 mile walks out to 30 miles in one go and multi day trips to nowhere in particular. For a time it was my refuge. I live around five miles from my work so I would walk there and back to relieve the stress of being a man all day. The walks became my gender free space where I could just be. Just two legs and eyes moving forward in silence. It helped. I do remember one though where I told myself to walk with confidence and my hips kept swishing!

Over the last couple months I have gotten so comfy in my life that hours and at times days go by without me thinking about gender any more than cis folk report. Also, my walks rarely extend much beyond an hour.

We're all different and exist on a wide spectrum as regards our male & female characteristics, be they physical or mental. In my experience it certainly did "sneak up on" me.  When it caught me, I didn't quite understand it.  But when it catches you, the chase is over. It wins.  Deal with it as best you can, but it never fully releases you.  It was you before you took your first breath.  Love this gift of diversity and life will be wonderful.
Hugz,
Joi

Hi Kellam and Joi, thanks for your replies.

I just had a session with my therapist. It was interesting in a good way. I think I kind of air somewhere in the middle of the gender spectrum with occasional spike towards either end of the spectrum. It did sneak up on me and caught me off guard, but I will not let it win. By that I mean I will do what I need to do to deal with it, but I will not let it beat me down. Even though it does knock me down, I keep getting up and try to find a way to move on.

For now I'm going to try and keep Jayne in my happy place inside my head and know that "she" is just part of what makes me ME. It's an experiment that my therapist suggested to try because I keep resisting and fighting off any other form of transition. The resisting and fighting off part are not helpful, so maybe if I just accept myself in my own head and not keep Jayne locked up, so to speak, but integrate Jayne and John into one, it might just work for me.

Wish me luck!

Jayne

Good job for trying to sort through your feelings Jayne! Everyone is behind you 100%!

As for me, It definitely snuck up on me, repeatedly, but I'd always beat it down, usually out of fear of what it might actually mean. I'm no stranger to change, bouncing around from home to home for the past few years, and a couple new cities. What surprised me was how crippling the fear would be. I'd start powerfully thinking, wishing, that I could change it all, but everything would crash around it. I'd inconvenience so many people, my relationship would be affected, it'd be so hard. What if this, what if that. So I always shelved it aside. And now, finally, FINALLY I've unlocked the door on all of it, and it feels... exhilarating-ly scary.

I took a big step and talked to my mom about it today. Turns out she had her suspicions, and is totally supportive, so things are looking up

That is so good to hear Jayne! You are making great progress because the most important thing is learning to know yourself and be at peace with that. Whomever you might be. When I started out I just wanted to be more me. That is all I have done. I realized that nobody gets to decide what my womanhood will be like, only me. That is where the joy is. Transition to a more complete and open you. There are so many ways to be outside of the binary system.

Anyway, I am happy for you!

JPerr, congrats on talking to your Mom! That is huge, I don't know if I would have made it this far without my Mom's support. This thread is so full of joy today!

Hi -

Thanks for the post - interesting question.

In my case I had a sense of femininity since very early on, but I had no idea that I was trans or that being a woman was the ultimate destination of a life long journey.  However, there was a moment during therapy when the fog simply lifted and matters became very clear.

It's worth noting that I was suicidal long before this epiphany.  This raises the interesting question of what I "knew" most of my life before transitioning and what was driving my dysphoria.  I doubt I'll ever have a clear picture of this matter: All that I felt and "knew" was that all things feminine were very attractive, I was drawn to women because they had something I desired other than traditional male/female proclivities, and my personal/social comfort was higher while in the company of women rather than men (even my wife noticed and commented a few times about this and asked why of course - I had no answers, just confusion).

This ambiguity seems to show up for enough  trans-women that I'd have to say it isn't uncommon (this is an anecdotal assertion), it is highly personalized for each of us, and therapy combined with support group exposure seems to help sort it out for many folks.  It certainly did for me.

"Sneak up" on people (?), probably not but show up in ways that doesn't bring clarity in a binary world but will show up when the veil is lifted and can be quite surprising, as it was I my case though not totally unfamiliar either.  If it sounds like I'm splitting hairs here, maybe I am which reflects the nature of my life up until I accepted who I really was/am some 15 years go.

Take care,

Rachel

Yes it can sneak up on you.

For the first 45 years of my life I was blissfully unaware that I am trans. I never wanted to dress up or wanted to be a girl or wanted to play with dolls. I was married to a very pretty lady, had kids, owned my own software company, and was involved in some typical risky male hobbies. As a child of the 1960's I simply had very limited access to the information that would have given me a clue about who I was.

The only thing I knew for certain was that I never seemed to fit in anywhere with anyone and definitely not with the other guys. In social situations my ex would shuttle me off to be with the other men while she hung out with the other women. I could not relate to the other guys and had nothing in common with them; experience had shown me that it was to my advantage to keep my mouth shut in those situations so thats what I did. I did my best to simply fade into the wallpaper and hoped that I wouldn't have to talk to another guy and endure the awkwardness and uncomfortable silences that were sure to follow.

Over time I became more and more an outcast; more and more a lonely recluse that found it better to simply avoid situations where I had to deal with other people.

To cope with my feelings of constant rejection and being alone I was working on drinking myself to death - I might be an outcast but by golly I had found a way to numb my feelings. The thought that I am a woman never entered my mind when I thought about the reasons why I was drinking.

Then high speed internet became available and that provided information that led me to where I am today. For me a little knowledge was dangerous; the more I was able to learn about myself the stronger my dysphoria got - what I was learning resonated strongly with me.

The need to transition became an unstoppable force that I could not fight off and I went full time about a year ago. Transitioning did not come without a cost - my 27 year marriage ended in divorce, and my parents have disowned me.

BUT.... life is *sooooo* much better now! I've quit investing in the beer companies, I am far more social and outgoing, and I have so many more friends now. I am far, far busier now than I have ever been in my life.

So I feel for you as you work on untying that knot; i completely understand the fear and the uncertainty you are feeling right now. Please know that if your path does include a transition you will survive it and you will come out in a better place 

Thank you all so much for your replies. When I started this thread I had no idea I would get so many responses. I am always amazed at how both similar and different everyone's story is. It really helps to know that others can relate and know what you are going through.

Jayne

i can defently relate with all of you! i am 39 years old married with a child and it was before 2 years that i realised that i am a transgender! in the first months i tried to deny it again even in my self cause all of my life i was a very strong and muscular man which made skydiving, scubadiving, mma, fast cars and all these kinds of things. in the last six months i have worked on my transition, losing weight and muscle mass and the last 2 monthts i am on hrt. the costs seems to become real big, the most possible thing is that i am going to loose my wife, my job and probably my house too! but you know something, for the first time in my life i feel that i am in my own skin, more calm and i think it is worth it. this is my personal oponion and life, but in the end only you and only you know with what you feel better and these things needs time! be oppened to your self and search and with time you are going to figer out! i hope the best

Such an important topic, and one I struggle with still, Jayne. I did not fully see the picture till 2 years ago. I am now 65!!! But, like so many others, the internet helped me to piece together bits and pieces of my behavior over the years, and in the end, it was a documentary by Kristen Beck, "Lady Valor" I believe, that concretized it all for me. I knew what he meant and felt and understood his thinking. It finally clicked: I am not gay, not a crossdresser, do not have a sick fettish, I am a transgender woman. That was a starting point and there have been many twists and turns, but I now truly believe that this is process has a significant biologic component. I really believe I got here like this. The trajectory to my acceptance of it is just prolonged. The negotiation of barriers seems inevitable. I am in a marriage of 30 years duration with two lovely children. How to still maintain my sense of self while hoping to alleviate the certain pain of others. That's where I sit as well. My therapist once said, "You know you can only be responsible for your own integrity." I still struggle. However, one modifier that changed a lot of the discordant feelings that I had was starting HRT. I cannot believe, even at this age, how dramatic the psyche is altered. I am able to see and feel these things at a different level, with less urgency, and with more compassion. Knowing how I feel on the other side of HRT, I don't think I had the proper tools to find solutions for myself until I was taking estrogen. That is a completely personal view. But, I just want to say I truly feel for you and hope that you can find peace in all of this. Blessings...Sheila Grace

Quote from: Kellam on October 21, 2015, 11:37:49 PM
I am a very physical woman so pre transition I used my favorite activity to distract me and give me peace. I went on long walks. Very long. Frequently. And they kept getting longer spreading from 5 and 10 mile walks out to 30 miles in one go and multi day trips to nowhere in particular. For a time it was my refuge. I live around five miles from my work so I would walk there and back to relieve the stress of being a man all day. The walks became my gender free space where I could just be. Just two legs and eyes moving forward in silence. It helped. I do remember one though where I told myself to walk with confidence and my hips kept swishing!

Over the last couple months I have gotten so comfy in my life that hours and at times days go by without me thinking about gender any more than cis folk report. Also, my walks rarely extend much beyond an hour.

Kellam, I saw this and can really relate. I live in the West Indies on a small island. However the 7-10 mile hikes are my primary refuge and form of therapy. The walking has been a great blessings. Best wishes. Sheila

Quote from: Sheila Grace on October 22, 2015, 06:52:27 PM
Kellam, I saw this and can really relate. I live in the West Indies on a small island. However the 7-10 mile hikes are my primary refuge and form of therapy. The walking has been a great blessings. Best wishes. Sheila

Yay! Another walker! Same to you, the wishes I mean. May the road rise to greet you and may the wind be at your back, as the Irish saying goes.

Hi stefane and Sheila.

I am pretty much prepared to lose everything except my wife. Without her I will not be able to exist. She is absolutely everything to me. Having said that, she is very supportive of me but understandably is also having a struggle herself to deal with the bombshell I dropped on her by coming out to her.

I too used to question whether I was gay, a crossdresser or had some kind of sick fetish. None of that fits. Being gay is a bit of a trick question though. As a man I am definitely not gay, but if I consider myself female, then gay (lesbian) would fit because I am only attracted to women. So I'm not a gay man but am a gay woman, if indeed I am a woman. Now I just confused myself

At least I know I don't have some kind of sick fetish. I'm trans and just need to figure out my place. I dearly hope that my wife is able to remain with me without in any way having to compromise her identity.

Jayne

Quote from: Sheila Grace on October 22, 2015, 06:47:49 PM
Such an important topic, and one I struggle with still, Jayne. I did not fully see the picture till 2 years ago. I am now 65!!! But, like so many others, the internet helped me to piece together bits and pieces of my behavior over the years, and in the end, it was a documentary by Kristen Beck, "Lady Valor" I believe, that concretized it all for me. I knew what he meant and felt and understood his thinking. It finally clicked: I am not gay, not a crossdresser, do not have a sick fettish, I am a transgender woman. That was a starting point and there have been many twists and turns, but I now truly believe that this is process has a significant biologic component. I really believe I got here like this. The trajectory to my acceptance of it is just prolonged. The negotiation of barriers seems inevitable. I am in a marriage of 30 years duration with two lovely children. How to still maintain my sense of self while hoping to alleviate the certain pain of others. That's where I sit as well. My therapist once said, "You know you can only be responsible for your own integrity." I still struggle. However, one modifier that changed a lot of the discordant feelings that I had was starting HRT. I cannot believe, even at this age, how dramatic the psyche is altered. I am able to see and feel these things at a different level, with less urgency, and with more compassion. Knowing how I feel on the other side of HRT, I don't think I had the proper tools to find solutions for myself until I was taking estrogen. That is a completely personal view. But, I just want to say I truly feel for you and hope that you can find peace in all of this. Blessings...Sheila Grace

Nice post Sheila Grace.  I can relate big time; near the same age, married for 40+ years with two adult offspring.  Looking back on our special retrospectives I am amazed I could not connect the dots till 3 years ago.  Many other people "knew" or guessed before I did so I heard "no surprise" often when coming out.  Like Jayne, when I came out Bisexual in 82 it was also not welcomed.  I went to psychologists that assured me I was gay but that was only half right;-)

I did secretly expect to magically turn into a girl and become a mom until puberty and then repressed everything before and after.  Nonetheless i continued a slow personal evolution that saw me become more androgynous in appearance and more out about being queer.  I did have boy friends, cross dressed and more for decades but could not fully accept myself or use the word transgender until 3 years ago.

Jayne I admire your love and commitment for/to your wife but worry about your vulnerability if...

So my short answer is yes, the truth of being transgender is persistent and will eventually come out.  More people now seem to be figuring it out before they are medicare eligible.  I credit those brave souls out before us and the social media tools that allow us to learn and share.  How we manage to tell or hide the truth is up for discussion and choice?

Quote from: Jayne01 on October 23, 2015, 04:33:36 PM
I too used to question whether I was gay, a crossdresser or had some kind of sick fetish. None of that fits. Being gay is a bit of a trick question though. As a man I am definitely not gay, but if I consider myself female, then gay (lesbian) would fit because I am only attracted to women. So I'm not a gay man but am a gay woman, if indeed I am a woman. Now I just confused myself

Kind of what I was thinking. I'm bisexual (about 60/40 in terms of attraction to women/men) and have generally considered myself around a 2 on the Kinsey Scale. As it turns out, I would actually be a 4.

But to answer the thread question, I did have an idea when I was 13, but since I also got involved with an evangelical Christian youth organization around then all those early thoughts got buried by the religious shame that came with it. Ever since I started breaking away from that culture, elements of that questioning phase have only gradually been resurfacing. The signs were always there for me too, but I wound up dismissing a number of them since my childhood was still fairly masculine and didn't fit the Standard Narrative; that and I thought being bisexual worked well enough for other ones. It was only this summer that I started to figure everything out, and even then it was still not until just three days ago that I finally knew what it all meant.

If I had to use an analogy, it's like I found one random piece of a puzzle that seemed to fit, and that piece led me to find where two more fit, and then everything else fell into place and completed the whole picture.

I have found comfort in these words which are very relative to my journey!
I identify the "early life traumas" that it speaks of as my early dysphoria signified by my fascination with feminine clothing.  Perhaps they may ring true to some of my sisters on this journey.

                                                               INNER MONSTERS

The inner monsters we distract from are not nearly as dangerous as the monsters we create to avoid them. As painful as early life traumas can be to confront, they are seldom as difficult to transform as the behaviors and addictions that we develop to bypass them.
As children, our defenses and distraction techniques saved us, but, as adults, they become a self-fulfilling prophecy, concretizing and locking us in with our early pain, blinding us to the fact that we are now better equipped to work through our memories than we were as children.  It may have seemed insurmountable back then, but it no longer is.  If we can turn around and face them now, if we can resist the tendency to cover them over with layer upon layer of distortion, we can reclaim our trauma and work it through to resolution.
There is no way to run from the wound memory.  It's always there waiting for the moment of integration.  Better to turn around and embrace it.  Once a monster, now an opportunity for transformation.  Come close pseudo monster, we have work to do together.

I knew I wanted to be a girl from my earliest memories. I was three or four years old at the time. Those feelings and thoughts persisted as I grew up. I never felt that I was "born in the wrong body" like so many people say. I just wanted to be a girl. I prayed every night that I could be changed. Perhaps it's just a matter of semantics.

In any case, I was a cult member of a religious faith that pushed me into marriage with a young woman I truly loved. We had two children and all the time, I thought I had a fettish and was the only one in the world with this problem. In my mid twenties, I had a crisis situation on my hands and was attempting to cope on my own. Two children came into my life. I was "found out" in my late twenties. I came out to no one, but everyone knew that I would become a woman in my off hours on business trips. Back in the mid 80's, no one really understood. I had seen Rene Richards then and I thought she looked, well, not what I wanted.

I took pictures of myself in women's clothes and I saw a man in a dress. I was disgusted with myself and attempted suicide with a belt. The buckle failed thankfully and I woke up on the cement floor of the basement.

My wife ended up suing me for divorce. My family disowned me. I moved to California and immediately started living life as a woman.

So, it did not sneak up on me. I just didn't know what to do about it because there was no internet, no information, and the only counseling I received was from my church leaders (LDS) and psychological care from "good Mormon men" who literally tortured me with electro shock treatments. I was publicly humiliated with excommunication from my faith and "put in a corner" at work.

That was a very long time ago and I've been through a lot of pain and sorrow. I lost my family. But I regained a good friendship with my ex who quickly remarried. I was happy for her and missed her. No one has ever kissed me like she did. Within a few years, my close family came around. I would visit for Thanksgiving or Christmas. When the kids became adults, I gave them a college fund that I had managed to save over the years. And then all interaction with them ceased for some time. My son came back in 2006 and my daughter just this last year. My extended family has learned to deal with it and is very cordial to me. I have no idea what they think. We don't get a chance to talk all that much but keep in some contact through FaceBook.

Times have changed. ->-bleeped-<- is now recognized widely as a real medical issue and not some form of perversion. I think your family will have some problems at first but will come around. You may end up leaving your wife but that doesn't mean you can't remain good friends. Looking back, that meant a lot to me.

So, our stories are different but have similar threads. This is not easy to face under any circumstance. I'm happy you have come to this place for support. You won't find any better on the internet. I will always suggest that people do anything they can from transitioning. The beast will force you into it eventually. For younger people, I suggest counseling and hormone blockers as soon as their psychiatric care will approve them.

I don't know what your path will be. But I truly wish you the best. Just know, you have a place to vent your feelings and share experiences here with no backlash.

Cindi