Katelyn, sometimes you do have to part ways as much as it may hurt.  Staying for the sake of saving a marriage will only wind up in resentment and eventually hatred.  You have to set a path for yourself and follow it; you know in your heart what it is that you want to do and if you want to follow it.  It is not easy; if it were everyone would be doing it. 

It is not a matter of your wife "approving" anything; you are a grown individual and you need no ones "approval" to proceed with what is an important and seemingly critical aspect of your life.  I have a picture on my hallway wall; it is of a high heeled pump and the caption reads "The question isn't who's going to let me, its who is going to stop me?"  I would post it but the one I have handy I'm not wearing a whole lot; if you would like I'll take a pic of the pic alone and post it for you-it is really cool and very to the point.

be strong; you know that we are all here for you.  I would love to write some more but I have to get back out on patrol and raise driver insurance rates   :-)  lol

I hope to see you soon.

Marlo

So today is my wife and my 9th anniversary. It's been a tough year for us with the pregnancy and my gender questioning. So she gave me a card and the most prominent, boldly lettered word on the front is "MAN". If you looked at it from a distance "MAN" is all you would see. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart. I'm holding back tears right now.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 08, 2015, 05:33:21 PM
So today is my wife and my 9th anniversary. It's been a tough year for us with the pregnancy and my gender questioning. So she gave me a card and the most prominent, boldly lettered word on the front is "MAN". If you looked at it from a distance "MAN" is all you would see. She might as well have stuck a knife in my heart. I'm holding back tears right now.

Oh, that's awful. Hugs Katelyn.

My wish for you is that you find a way to disconnect your personal peace from whether your wife validates your gender. Even if she does ever accept you as a woman, but it will happen on her own time and not yours, and you'll be giving her a lot of control over your mood until then.

Thanks Suzi. My therapist and I talk about this a lot. We've developed a plan. We both agree that February is the appropriate time period to tackle the wife problem. I love and cherish her to death but at this point she can either have a dead husband or an alive (ex?)wife. We agreed on February for multiple reasons. The 1st is we determined that it is important to me that I be there for the birth of my 2nd child. The 2nd is maternity leave ends in Feb and she'll be back on her anxiety medication, so from a medical point of view, Feb is the earliest date to safely introduce a high stress situation into her life. I'm ok until then, I think. I'll be turning 34 in Feb. I want my 35th birthday cake to say Katelyn, even if I have to bake it myself.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 08, 2015, 07:25:41 PM
I want my 35th birthday cake to say Katelyn, even if I have to bake it myself.

It will be the sweetest cake you ever taste.

I have a lot of experience with this topic.  As a boy I wanted to be a girl, as a young man I wanted to be a young lady, as a man I wanted to be a woman, as a husband I wanted to be a woman, as a father I wanted to be a woman.  This doesn't go away.  Its not a choice.  I've been tortured my entire life even today.  I've been the manliest man around, the man other men want to be.  As the baby's parent you will love the the baby fully.  Many people don't stay married over lessor things.  It sounds like the therapist has a predetermined bias to keep you in a relationship "for the baby"  If you wait until after the baby is born that's fine.  But staying in a relationship "for the kids" doesn't help the kids.  The kids are little sponges.  The kids will emulate a dysfunctional relationship.  If the baby knows you as  Katelyn from day one, the baby won't know "daddy" in that sense.  When they know "daddy" at an older age it will become "what happen to daddy"  we want him back!  If  Katelyn is the parent, then the baby knows and accepts who you are and knows you are a care giver and a source of knowledge and wisdom to draw from. 
The next thing to worry about is your wife vindictive?  Could she try to hold you from seeing your baby?  Those questions need to be asked.  If that is a possible yes, then you may have to wait until the kids know you fully so you can make a slow but sure transition. 
I have a much longer tortured story but I'll spare you the details.  I will however say keeping your true self hidden doesn't get easier.  It gets more difficult each day.
Keep strong.

Fell free to PM

So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face.

Hi -

You've gotten a consensus of sorts here: Transitioning never gets easier and waiting very long because there's a situation isn't helpful either.  I've already opined about waiting earlier and I'm fine with what I posted.

As far as I can tell, there's only one way to get permanent relief from GD and that's to live in the gender of preference where ever that is on the continuum.

I know that's a bit stark at times, but my dear it is what it is.  You'll look back once you've fully committed and see this so much differently - not that you were wrong (or right) but for the reality of living whole and complete.  It's just so much more what life was meant to be.

Love to you and yours,

Rachel

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

"Which Pain is Worse?" 
The question to answer all questions

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 21, 2015, 06:32:42 PM
So I was in therapy today, just talking about my week and my therapist starts asking me about my medical plans for tansition. We dive into that and we're talking about procedures and Drs that I've been researching when all of a sudden she stops me, "Katelyn, just stop for a second and tell me how you feel right this second." I stop and realize that I have the BIGGEST smile on my face. Like I haven't smiled that wide in years. Then she says "You haven't smiled like that ever in one of my sessions with you." It was really nice to be affirmed like that. Like really nice.

Congratulations on such a great therapy session. 

Wonder why I am still wearing the same smile in the picture after 30 years? You now have the answer..

So a little update. I am in a much better place mentally than where I was when I made my original post. I've been busy planning my transition and coming out to my wife and in the meantime, I've come out to my mom and a supportive uncle. It's comforting to know that I have a time line for starting my transition. The dysphoria is still there, but I can handle it now by saying "Not for long."

I know not how the conversation will go with my wife in February, but I do know that things in the marriage are already not good. The new baby is actually due on Wednesday and my wife is very unhappily pregnant, to the point where there is no room for any other discussion than how miserable she is 24/7. I've been hearing it for so long and have been keeping the household running on my own for so long that I frankly tune her out.

Running has been my lifeline. I took it up again in the spring after a decade away from it and it is the best form of therapy I know. It gives me a chance to think and analyze my current standing, as well as a way to take out my frustrations. Oh and it also helps turn my legs and rear end into something I don't despise looking at (hello running leggings, where have you been my whole life?).

My therapist connected me with a professor at the School of Social Work that I would like to attend. He's very openly gay and is a leader in my area in all things LGBT. He wrote his doctoral dissertation on gender transitioning and he is turning into quite an ally for me along with my uncle. I no longer doubt if I can make it through transition, and I am eager to start. "Not for long."

There ya go, hun!  Admiral Farragut said during the Battle of Mobile Bay...  "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!" 


Marlo

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 02, 2015, 08:19:29 PM
I no longer doubt if I can make it through transition, and I am eager to start. "Not for long."

Congrats Katelyn.  I'm a little jealous of your resolve.

Good luck.
Paige

This is dark times. I am not in a good place. Feeling alone, helpless, hopeless. I'm scared of myself. Help.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 04:16:58 PM
This is dark times. I am not in a good place. Feeling alone, helpless, hopeless. I'm scared of myself. Help.

You are neither alone, helpless, nor hopeless.

You are certainly not alone. You have us. I read your posts and care a lot (even though I haven't met you).

You're not helpless. You're very capable and you have a good heart.

And you're not hopeless. Lots of great things will come your way. It just doesn't seem that way now.

The feelings you're having are an illusion. They're preventing you from seeing the world as it is. If you can, try to see past the illusion to a reality that has both sadness and joy.

Hugs Katelyn. Let me know what I can do to help.

I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 05:10:11 PM
I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

Welcome to my world 

The past three days of depression and crying over something silly, yet important. My life on the intersection of Hopelessness and Futility. What can I do? What Should I do? What is Best to Do? What is totally impossible to do? What is Possible yet Unachievable? In this lifetime.

Yet, each morning when I wake I see a glimmer of hope. I see the living incarnation of a dream given up on decades ago. I am reminded of where I was before. Of where I NEVER want to be again.

Yet, later in the day I think; "Is this it?" Stuck here at this dark depressing intersection?

My Inaction? Easy to blame or to point at the myriad of reasons that I Agreed To. That I Need To. That I need to Maintain Balance.... Today.  That I needed to Yesterday.

Do I fall or take a step Backwards? Have I? Yes. I have. Or tried to much to my total dismay and later disgust. Do I ever want to once again revive the Thing I was? NO!. Not Ever! Sure life was simpler. Living was a numbed existence. Devoid of everything that makes a person Alive. I was the among the many Undead.  Seeing the light is scary. Leaving it, even more.

I still long for what seems at times to be the simple, tranquil times. More importantly, I long for, I relish, the times I felt. Yes... plain simple FELT. Felt Pain. Felt Joy, Felt Happiness. These three four days of self imposed exile into the Land-O-Numness SUCKS. I Want Out!

Going back, to me, means loosing. It means loosing any feelings. Do I venture into the Dark? Or head towards the Light? As painfilled, as many tears have been shed my me, by my wife, my Teddie Bear, as scared as I am, as unsure as I am, in my core I know who, actually What I am. The who... A work in process.

Yes, there is pain. Plenty of hurt. Gallons of tears.

Is it worth it in the end?

No F'n idea.

After 50 years trying the alternate path I do know without any doubt one absolute truth about how I handled being trans.

I Know What Does Not Work.

So why would I go back to it?

Hi, I've read all of these posts here and the ladies here have given some lovely advice. I don't have a wife and child so my situation is a bit different than yours, but I'm also experiencing a family member trying to gatekeep me out of transition using guilt as a method to keep me reigned in.

And I think it's important that we don't break ourselves for the sake of anyone else; and in the long rung, gender dysphoria eats away at you - it will never be a good situation for your wife and kids, because you yourself won't be happy until you begin taking steps towards transition. If you're not happy, your wife and kids will know.

And as others have said, it is more difficult for older children to accept a parent transitioning than a younger child; if a younger child knows you by your female identity for most of their childhood, they will only really know that version of you; which is what you want.

People who have known you longer when you were in the closet have a harder time getting used to your true gender once you come out; but if you transition soon enough you can make the female you the you that your kids remember.

It's really harmful for your wife to force you not to talk about your gender issues; I've been told to "just live with it" for the sake of others before and it's being asked to give up a whole authentic life you could have had otherwise. If you can avoid legal issues by staying on as close to positive terms with your wife as you can, that would be a great outcome. Do you think your wife would purposefully start implanting negative opinions about you in your kids' heads should a divorce happen? Do you feel that she would purposefully refer to you with he/him pronouns when she talks to the kids about you? You mentioned having a 5 year old daughter. Perhaps soon is a good time to explain to your child that you're a "she." Is there something you'd rather have them call you than "Daddy?" Transitioning won't change your aptitude as a parent and as long as you're a positive and supportive presence in your childrens' lives they will likely respect you and your gender.

It sounds like your wife is trying to push maleness on you and keep you in the closet, that card incident is a real indicator. It's kind of an underhanded way of trying to keep trans people quiet about their gender; a family member did something similar to me just the other day.

I don't think that putting up with abuse will necessarily make this situation any better, can you at least mention to your wife that you're uncomfortable with her forcing male labels on you?

Finally, as other people have said, I think small steps are the best way to begin. Transitioning is a slow process and huge results will take awhile to surface.  Can you get laser/electro? Or a low dose of E?

T is a much stronger hormone than E - I've been on it for 1 month without noticeable changes, so I would assume E would take even longer, especially on a low dose. Ask other women here what changes they noticed on a low does of HRT within 3 months or so.

I hope this helps!