So I have got married after starting my HRT to a man, as his wife.  But I feel like we're just room mates, no physical connection at all.  He keeps telling me that isn't his thing, and even though my breasts have developed into breasts, still isn't any attraction to me.  He tells me it is my "birth defect" but also says affection isn't his sort of thing.  So now I sit in a room mate situation, no touching, barely any kissing, always doing two separate things.  We got married so I could have insurance otherwise we wouldn't married so quickly.  His insurance covers GRS and all I have to do is (somehow) come up with a 1000 dollar detectable ( Dr Bowers ) which is also VERY hard to come up with when you are basically living with no money. 

On the other hand, I have a girl friend who wants to be my girlfriend.  I am pansexual so I don't mind someone's gender, but I would have to leave him and she couldn't afford the insurance that carries GRS but is constantly wanting to remove me from my situation because she tells me I deserve affection and better and does not mind that I do not have girl bits, although I've told her that my male bits don't function so sex isn't really an option and she is OK with that, tells me there's other ways to show affection instead of through sex. 

So I sit here, alone, not really sure what to do.  I am a Christian and do not believe really in divorce unless the man cheats on me but I am not sure if God would want me in a mentally unhealthy situation where I feel unwanted.  We've never done any more than a quick kiss.  In the Commonwealth that I live in (Pennsylvania), having no sexual intercourse is a reason for annulment of marriage... I am not sure if that is still morally acceptable but legally it is.

So I am reaching out to the older wise ones out there ... am I crazy for leaving him, or is this mentally abusive what he's doing to me as my husband ? I never been in this situation before so I am like.... my sister thinks i should stick it out until I have GRS but I do not want my girl friend to wait on me that long as she is wanting affection as well and I can see it in her that the situation I am in is hurting her because she cares a lot for me.  I am just stuck in a meh situation.

I  don't know, How does he view the marriage. Your saying you married for the insurance and  just sticking around till you have GSC. Did he just marry you so you can have the operation, which would be an incredibly nice thing to do.

Not sure... but it appears that is all... no affection ;3

definitely a curious situation.

Some men are not into physical intimacies and displays of affection. He obviously cares enough to marry you so you can have insurance to cover the procedure. That is a huge gesture on his part. Also they tend to sometimes need more time to come around to other things. You may find in time he will, but as you said this was rushed into so you would have the insurance. Only can decide what is right for you, but the fact he has done what he did is a huge gesture so maybe time will tell. Hugs and good luck
Mariah

Approaching it from a Christian perspective is problematic for a number of reasons including that there is no Christian consensus on the matter anymore.  So you are really left with examining your conscience. 

What were both your expectations on getting married?  That seems to be the issue to confront.  Also, what are each of your visions for the future?  Are they compatible? 

The insurance issue is a complication but if you each got married for different reasons with no common vision of the future then it might be better to get out of it now rather than wait until a mountain of resentment builds up between you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'd recommend looking at two things: what were both your expectations going into the marriage? And what can you do to find personal fulfillment without hurting someone else?

There are lots of options. Perhaps he is withdrawn because he really thinks you'll leave once the surgery is done. Perhaps he expects that and is not even unhappy about it. Maybe he expects it and it scares him. Point is, you two need to talk about what you want out of the relationship. I's clear physical intimacy is important to you. What is important to him?

There are LOTS of ways to work out physical intimacy. Polyamory is not a fringe thing anymore, really; there are millons of poly folks out there who practice ethical non-monogamy. That's one option you might pursue. Another might be to talk with a sex therapist and see if you can kindle some spark.

But most of all, talk. Nothing is more important than talking with each other and REALLY listening.

Quote from: Alexis2107 on October 31, 2015, 09:05:57 AM
So I am reaching out to the older wise ones out there ... am I crazy for leaving him, or is this mentally abusive what he's doing to me as my husband ? I never been in this situation before so I am like.... my sister thinks i should stick it out until I have GRS but I do not want my girl friend to wait on me that long as she is wanting affection as well and I can see it in her that the situation I am in is hurting her because she cares a lot for me.  I am just stuck in a meh situation.

I think the $64,000 question is "Why did you marry him?". Was his behavior different before? Simply a loveless marriage of convenience? Falsely hoping he would 'change' after HRT? Which begs the question on his motivations.

Full Disclosure. I first met my wife over 30 years as I was fighting with my GD and on the fast track to be (a somewhat 'Normal') guy. My was was a pre-op MTF. Ten years later she had SRS. Five years after we made things 'Official' by getting married. With or without dangly bits my admiration, respect and love for her never changed