After you came out to your spouse, when did you start dressing around the house, and what is the "etiquette" on this?? I really want to start living as a woman at home and as soon as possible and start venturing out from there... But I also don't want to make it awkward for her, ya know?I realize she may not be as accepting... Also feel very self conscious about my voice, which I imagine is pretty normal.

Coming out to her on Friday the 27th, so nervous!!

I think this varies from relationship to relationship.  I took it slow and in stages.  I had been wearing men's bikinis (some extremely small) in our pool for many years, so one of the first things I did was switch over to women's bikinis, since I came out to her at the beginning of the swim season.  I added shorts and tank tops over the bikinis for my watering routine in the garden, and switched over to women's underwear when it was not a swim day.  Somewhere along the way I started wearing bras, and when the weather cooled I added leggings and skinny jeans, and women's t-shirts and sweatshirts.

I also bought running shorts and sports bras to wear for workouts on the treadmill in our back room.

When I started wearing wigs and putting nail polish on my toes, I let my wife know about it.

Every time I took a step further, I talked to my wife about it, and I took things gradually to let her get used to the changes. 

I've been out on short trips (gas and fast food) partially dressed (leggings and oversize men's t-shirt) but have yet to do the full Monty outside the house.

YMMV, but I suggest taking things slow and gradual.

Your mileage may vary..
this is my story.. so far..
Married 29 years..
Came out in March..
First week.. took all blame.. did not defend myself
things were not well.
After first week...Started to defend and stand up for my self..
made it clear that this was going to happen. whether together at home or I'm homeless on the street..
At this point.. things where much better.. but wife in strong denial.. did not want to see anything..
For the next 3 months.. every week I would add something new to my new life..
I did not relent.. Made sure we where talking every day.. gave her time to adjust.
did not force things,But was persistent..
After 3 months.. Changed name..updated paperwork.. Came out at work..living fill time..
Things are progressing well at home.. not perfect .. its still work in process.. but things look good..
What would i recommend??
Give her time and understanding.. You have had a long time to come to turns.. she is just starting out..
She will be scared.. The more positive and confident you are.. the easier it is.. lead by example
keep talking.. and just as important.. listen to her
be firm in you course.. enjoy and remember the  the good parts.. don't dwell on the bad.

I went from the lowest part of my life to 8 months later..one of the best...
We Still have a long road figuring out the details of who  am and how We will fit in the world.. but no regrets..

good luck..

No hard and fast rules, the best advice that I can give you is keep your communication open and be receptive to each other's feelings, somethings you are going to do is going to hurt your spouse and some of her reactions are going to hurt you. The main thing is that you can work through these thing together.

No one wants to hurt a loved one, but if you're not intentionally hurt them then you should be able to talk your way through it together.

As has been said all ready, each relationship is different. Here is the coles notes version of mine.

20 years ago: came out as crossdresser, "you can dress but I dont ever wanna see you"

15 years ago: came out as trans girl wanting to transition " I will try to be here for you in your journey". She  Couldnot take it , packed up left.


13 Years ago,  My fear and unwillingness to continue transition, got to me  We reconciled and she returned and I put every thing in a closet, just wore undies.  That continued for quit a while
"dont let me see you in the Im not washing them."

  2 years ago: depression returning start dressing with out her knowing, in mean time she sees therapist  and says to me "the girl  goes or I go."

  1 year ago: I see gender therapist start hrt in 5 months, on hormones for 3 months without her knowledge she finds gel goes balistic.

  1 day ago, She  will shop for clothes with me, can wear any thing any time just not breast forms.
   that I believe will come soon.

   It has not been easy to get this far,alot of tears alot of anger and every other emotion under the sun. Some my think im an ass for doing every thing behind her back but I was tired of all the crap that I went through with her denial. I wish I did not have to put her through this but it is the only way I can live my life with some substance and happiness. Hope this helps .

I just came out to my wife last week.  She was super supportive and initially said she would stay with me through the transition then leave but has now decided that we are going to try to stay together.  We decided that I would begin wearing women's underwear immediately since I already had some hidden away and it was easy to conceal (I haven't fully come out in public yet, but that will be soon).  She helped me shave my legs (which I can get away with because I never wear shorts).  She says that we will slowly begin updating my wardrobe and next summer when we get some finances squared away we will do a big shopping trip for both of us.  She was immediately ok with me wearing whatever made me comfortable.  There are no hard and fast rules, what I did was just start the conversation with "I want to start doing ... Around the house but don't want you to feel uncomfortable,what do you think?"  You'll honestly just have to feel your away around the subject after coming out.

Hi I am now living full time as a Woman My Wife is fine about my outer clothing but is still very uncomfortable about seeing Me in My underwear .We came to agreement that I dress and change in the spare room once I am dressed she is fine .I always wear PJs to bed and I have one set with a quite long Top that I have been able to get away with wearing without the pants like a nightdress .So Once I have got her used to this I may ask her If she objects to Me wearing Nighties .I have found that letting Her set the pace leads to the best results. Like in picking out clothes she used to only want Me to wear tops and blouses that could pass as Mens shirts and T-Shirts but recently she has been buying me realy beautiful Blouses and tops that are positively Feminine and even sexy She used to insist I always Do my blouses up almost to the neck but now I am allowed to show a little cleavage . So giving them time and going at their pace in the long term seems to get the best results without causing any upsets

Quote from: kelseygal on November 11, 2015, 09:59:36 PM
After you came out to your spouse, when did you start dressing around the house, and what is the "etiquette" on this?? I really want to start living as a woman at home and as soon as possible and start venturing out from there... But I also don't want to make it awkward for her, ya know?I realize she may not be as accepting... Also feel very self conscious about my voice, which I imagine is pretty normal.

Coming out to her on Friday the 27th, so nervous!!

If she has no idea of this side of you, you have a lot to go through before you start dressing around the house. If you don't have a gender therapist, considering going to one and at some point bring her along. Her reaction may not be what you idealize. It can be a rocky road. I have been married for almost 21 years. My wife knew about this before we married and we went to a gender therapist then. At the time, I was more or less a cross dresser. This year I had the courage to admit I am more than that and want to live FT as a woman. It's been tough.

I think the answer tends to be less a specific timeframe and more "when your wife is able to accept it without too much trauma." My wife is on a bunch of SOs groups, and one important lesson she always mentions is that it's important for a trans person to be considerate of their spouse's feelings and give them time to adapt.

(With that said, the answer for clothes was "immediately" for me, because it didn't bother my wife at all. She didn't care what I wore... but she cared what I *did.* When I pierced my ears, she cried for days.)

Quote from: brie33 on November 12, 2015, 12:45:39 AM
Some may think I'm an ass for doing every thing behind her back but I was tired of all the crap that I went through with her denial. I wish I did not have to put her through this but it is the only way I can live my life with some substance and happiness. Hope this helps .

I think the old saying about walking a thousand miles in a person's shoes before you can judge them applies here. 

My story is similar.  My wife has known almost since we were married 28 years ago but I've kept things secret at times.  We've talked a lot about it but it basically comes down to the fact she doesn't want a feminine husband.  I have never dressed around the house with her around.  She has seen me once, years ago and was not the least bit happy about it.  She does know I dress sometimes.   As I've progressed with shaving my body and starting dutasteride and then recently spiro, she has become more and more distant.  If I proceed, I'm probably headed for a divorce. 

It would be nice to have honest chats everyday about this but when you have a partner that really doesn't want anything to do with this, it's pretty difficult. 

Quote from: Jenna Marie on November 12, 2015, 06:53:53 AM
My wife is on a bunch of SOs groups, and one important lesson she always mentions is that it's important for a trans person to be considerate of their spouse's feelings and give them time to adapt.

My wife is also on SOs groups and because of that she's got it in her mind exactly how this is going to play out.  I don't even know how this is going to play out.  It also seems to me that these groups have encouraged her to be very defiant and intolerant.

As has been said before Kelseygal YMMV.
Take care,
Paige

Paige : Wow, it sounds like your wife has found some VERY different groups, or is taking their advice very differently. I'm sorry that things aren't going well for you two.

My wife went into a flat spin after I told her then she thought it was a phase. She even went and saw my therapist and told her she is bisexual and she can be with a woman. She was very supportive and even went clothes shopping with me and encouraged me to be myself. All of a sudden she changed her mind and is also on a SO group that is feeding her wrong info. Now she want to divorce even if I stop transitioning.

Take it slow and make sure she is fine with it and what you are doing.Keep it at her pace because this is also a transition for her.

Best of luck

I think my wife is doing internet research on all of this (I came out 2 weeks ago to her.)  For those of you who commented that their wife did a 180 or had negative reaction after SO groups, can you name the groups?  I want to make sure that I'm aware of "information" she's getting.

I originally suggested My Husband Betty's site.  Does anyone have suggestions for different/better sites for spouses?

Many thanks, I guess maybe I need to knock my expectations down a bit. I honestly have no idea what her reaction will be, but I imagine either really supportive or insta-divorce. She has said things that make me think both of those scenarios. Not sure if she knows something's up, was trying to be funny or just out of left field, but she actually said the other night she would love me forever even if I chopped off my willy...

I had worn a lot of unisex, more femme-like guy clothes, and women's jeans. After i came out as definitely transgender, i started to femme out a bit more but not drastically. I tossed the rest of my male clothes (except for a few sentimental things like my HS letter jacket) late last year.

I did not want to make the change drastic to my wife or kids, so i simply added shirts and tops, booties, sandals and light makeup. For me, that was enough to present the real me, fit my style and make it a gentle change for my family. I wear jeans almost every day, at home and in the office. My more feminine wear like skirts and pumps and the like i leave for when i travel or when i go out.

Lately as my hair is getting long, they are starting to see me in barrettes, hair combs and headbands. That is sort of a big change and i do get some "looks" for that.

Quote from: RobynD on November 12, 2015, 10:58:16 AM
I had worn a lot of unisex, more femme-like guy clothes, and women's jeans. After i came out as definitely transgender, i started to femme out a bit more but not drastically. I tossed the rest of my male clothes (except for a few sentimental things like my HS letter jacket) late last year.

I did not want to make the change drastic to my wife or kids, so i simply added shirts and tops, booties, sandals and light makeup. For me, that was enough to present the real me, fit my style and make it a gentle change for my family. I wear jeans almost every day, at home and in the office. My more feminine wear like skirts and pumps and the like i leave for when i travel or when i go out.

Lately as my hair is getting long, they are starting to see me in barrettes, hair combs and headbands. That is sort of a big change and i do get some "looks" for that.

Interesting, that is a nice progression. I too wear skinny jeans, started before they were even made in 'men's' cut, and used to buy womens skinny jeans! Glad you are getting some support at home, can't imagine the kid aspect...

I fully came out too my wife 16 yrs ago. She had me fully dressed the next day,that same day we went out in public,since then I dress every once in a while so not too overwhelm my wife,for she married a man,so I try to give her some guy time.

Quote from: kelseygal on November 12, 2015, 12:13:11 PM
Interesting, that is a nice progression. I too wear skinny jeans, started before they were even made in 'men's' cut, and used to buy womens skinny jeans! Glad you are getting some support at home, can't imagine the kid aspect...

Thanks. Oh and i forgot nail polish. I have polished my nails for many many years, but was somewhat subtle about it. I am a lot less subtle now they are longer and run the gamut of colors. That has also been an adjustment for them.

BTW, good luck on the 27th. Throwing positive thoughts your way.

pj : Well, my wife is on the MHB site and mailing list, and says both are good. They tend towards somewhat older members who can be a bit ... traditional about gender roles, but there are some good examples of successful long-term relationships. (MHB's site is not very active these days, but the archives might still be helpful.)

My wife also likes to point out that the latest big study on trans peole showed about half of all relationships survive, which is about as good odds as anyone else marrying in the US.

There are plenty of reasons for people to separate or divorce that have nothing to do with our being transgender.  About half of all marriages go that way in the USA as Jenna notes.  That said, the challenges of having a trans spouse can be significant.  My wife and I will celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary this month.  We have had a dynamic life together.  She knew about my cross dressing, queer orientation and more early on.  I did not, however,  fully accept my trans identity until a few years ago and then quickly started transition with her complete support.  She had a long time to adjust to my androgynous appearance and behavior before that happened. 

Transition is huge.  We started with the social changes first and she was actually relieved and happy to call me her wife.  It helps that we are both bi, pan or heck just sexual.  It is the individual person that counts and with a spouse we do not go through transition (good or bad) totally alone.  My family is definitely taking a wild ride as my journey progresses. 

SO support groups vary with their membership and the first group we met was mostly focused on the grief and loss adjustments our SO will likely experience to one degree or another.  I am simply not the same person I was 4 years ago and that entails many adjustments to adapt to or for some to resist.

It would be nice to have a crystal ball or a lifetime sense of loving security but save that for the Disney channel.  Relationships that are significant require commensurate effort to maintain and even grow our love, communication, respect, trust and care for one another.  The future is yet a dream but I still want the companionship of this special woman and we have a lifetime of experience to build on.  I work on and expect to be friends forever.

I hope people will also see divorce as one of many reasonable, if painful, adjustments to our truth that need not mean failure.  Loving someone deeply means we also want the best for them even if that is not being with us.