Hi Keri, thank you for the post. I share in the feelings when will I be able to be myself.

The last few weeks have been difficult. I did not post because things were a bit surreal. I came out at work which is a first to have someone transition while on the job. There are 13 other trans  in the enterprise but they transitioned then came to work for us. I am a senior director so that added some complexity. There had to be a business plan, a transition team of 19 and a coming out schedule with 8 coming out meetings with co-workers. Where I work there are a lot of overachievers. Everyone was supportive and I was shocked by the support I received. Odd how I can no longer use the men's room at work so I use the all gender bathrooms. People were trying to use my name and pronoun but there were a lot of mistakes.

Now for the really sad part. My wife wants a divorce and my daughter will most likely not talk to me when she finds out. I love them dearly and I am incredibly sad over this. I do not know what I will do without them in my life. I understand that my wife is not lesbian and is heterosexual and is embarrassed to be with me. It is my change in the relationship that has caused this and it is not her fault. Still I wish she would stay with me.

My first name is Rachel, I just love that name

I intend to express at work this week coming. I am nervous

I have been out for a week and have changed all my work contacts, business cards and voice mail last week. That was scary for a day but feels really good now. I am happy I did that. Now I will see how changing my clothing feels.

I love my name Rachel and I hope to get the look I can feel comfortable with and looks good on me.

Rachel

Hi Rachel,

Glad to hear from you again but for the first time.   

Congrats!!!!!!!

Big steps.

I'm in your neighborhood starting Dec. 6.  Lunch?

Hugs

Jen

Hi Jen,

I will PM you my cell number.

Monday I dressed for work then undressed and put on male clothing. Tuesday I dressed and went to work. I had no comment to positive comment's from everyone with one exception. I went to the control room and saw 3rd shift. I stood there and asked what they thought. I had positive comments. They liked my bag too. When 1st shift came in I did the same and had positive comments. One guy said it feels strange. I said to him expressing and carrying a bag felt strange ,but good, to me too. I showed the office staff and they had positive comments. Two woman said they have the same pants. I went to meetings and just put my bag on the table and removed needed items and then hung it on my chair. Wednesday went easier .

We share our office suite with a lot of NP-c's and PA-c's and several approached the office manager late Tuesday and said they had thought something was going on with me for a while. They asked the office manager if it would be ok to talk to me and my name and pronoun. She said  I am very open and approachable and my name is Rachel and the pronoun is she. I guess Friday and Monday several will be talking to me.

Rachel

My wife and I meet with a divorce mediator and purchased a divorce package. In 5 months I will be divorced; I am sad about the divorce and I have finally accepted that reality. I have been thinking (dwelling) about what the future will be like. Today when I came home from electrolysis my wife and daughter were out and did not come home till 3 pm. I was thinking is this what it will be like and what will I do.

A lot has been going on. Coming out at work, changed my ID and expressing at work. I was nervous with all three and did them separately. Changed my ID on 11/12, came out 11/13 and expressed 11/24. After a few weeks if feels good and I no longer think about it other than does this match with that. Work has been very accepting and welcoming. I am doing a presentation Monday and I am looking forward to it.

I have an e-mail into Dr. Spiegel for a consultation. It has been a week with no response; I will call Monday.

I saw my therapist Thursday and filled her in on the above. I also went to the gym and my trainer works me so hard I threw up in the locker room afterwards ( I made it to the sink). I went to group and it was a really good group with a lot of people coming out to family and work.

I'm glad to hear it's going well - apart from the family and that very rarely goes well.  Many places these days are accepting.

Thank you Mary for your support.

Today I was absolutely blown away. I sell things on the internet and purchase them from a distributor. The people I buy from I thought were very bigoted. They are cops, ex-cops, ex-military and all male. Well I was picking up some product today and I said after I tell you this you may not want me here. Then I told them I am trans and in transition and where I will be going with my transition and that I changed my name at work. I came home from work and changed to male grungy clothes to see them. They said you got to be who you are and it does not matter to them. I was blown away. They went further and offered help. Next time I will go there from work  

That's great!  You do that - go to them as who you really are.

It's great that they're supportive; more people are than you'd think 

Mary and Heholetsgo, thank you for your support.

My wife and I scheduled the divorce mediations Friday. I does not seam real. I keep thinking about being alone and I keep thinking about her being alone. 

The thought of my wife being alone tore me up.  I used to cry about that, almost as much as about everything else combined.  That is what love does to you.  However, togather or apart, the love will still be there.  You need to let it change into support for her and to support for your family.  Be there for all of them.

Now, be there for yourself.  Its a new life and it's time to start discovering more about the real you.  If you can put the hurt aside, there is a whole world out there to experience as the woman you are.  Everything is the same, but everything is also different. Time to start that discovery. Step further out of the comfort zone. LIVE

Of all the things I have ever done, discovering the world as Jennifer has been the most difficult, the most fun and the most joyful time of my life.  Appreciate it.  Live it. 

Hugs

Jen

Hi Rachel,

Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself! It's really inspiring to me. I'm pretty new here and just soaking in as much info as I can. I'm 36, feel very feminine inside and (I think) strongly believe I'm a woman and should live as such, but still in the "I feel this way so much of the time it's overwhelming, but still have days of serious doubt enough to keep me from moving forward" phase. 100% of the reason for this is my relationship with my wife, and my inability to communicate this to her. If you don't mind me asking, how did it feel emotionally when you finally decided that you had to move forward despite how your wife felt and then after you told her?

I told my gender therapist at the end of the session (my first) that this would be a no brainer and I would be experimenting living my life as a female if I were single, so we'll be talking about that next time. My biggest problem is the fact that 6 months ago she caught me with pics of myself/porn etc on my computer, plus found out that I had (stupidly) joined an online hookup site so I could maybe meet other trans women to talk to (before I knew this much about myself, and could've joined a site like this instead). She didn't believe me and was convinced I cheated on her. When this happened I freaked, denied everything (she made it clear that she'd be very disturbed and unhappy if I was one of "those transsexuals") claiming it was b/c of porn addiction, and began us "moving forward" away from this where she wants me to keep promising "that's not who I am". If I knew then what I've learned about myself in the last 6 months, I'd have just told her and moved on while it was fresh and out there. But now we're "more committed" than ever, while ironically I'm more sure than ever that this is who I am and what I want.

But again, sincerely, thank you for putting yourself out there and sharing with everyone. I hope I can be that strong hen the time comes. If I could ever be of any help, please feel free to message me.

Hugs,
Ashley

Hi Jen, thank you. I know exactly what you mean about my wife and I need to be myself for me.

Ashley, thank you for your support. I tried to kill myself 12/2012 which lead me to get help and start transition. I tried to kill myself in 6/2015 because I was twisting about going forward and losing my family. I felt awful with no way out. I found a way. I got depression medication and I knew I could help my family if I was alive so I chose to fully transition.

After I told her I was going to come out at work and fully transition she was upset. I was in the city in a locker room after working out, it was 11/12/15. She called me and asked me if I was going to come out at work and change my name at work I said yes. She was very upset. I knew when I said yes it was over. I skipped group and went home. She said she would call a divorce service in the morning and she did.

I came out to my wife 2/15/2013. She thought I was going to leave her for a guy. She was very upset for weeks. It turns out the she wants to leave me. The last 3 years have been very difficult.

New Years day 2015 my wife read all my posts on Susan's. I had lied about my past to her and more importantly I have coping mechanisms and one of which is to envision I am with a guy when we use to have sex. On New Years day my wife said we will never have sex again. I had lied and hidden who I am. If I could go back in time I would have told her about myself before we had sex July 15, 1991. I most likely would have died from alcohol and drugs.   

Last summer the marriage counselor said we should divorce after talking to us for 30 minutes. We were destroyed. We went back the next week to hear the same thing and again it was extremely upsetting.

November 12, 2015 my wife asked me if I was going to use my preferred name at work and come out and express at work. I said yes. She was very upset and said she would call a divorce lawyer. She called a divorce lawyer the next day and we are in the process of divorce. We love each other very much yet we want very different things in life. It took me a while to realize she just can not be with someone like me.

I changed my work ID and came out fully at work 11/13/2015 and started expressing 11/24/2015.

My therapist said I fully qualify as of 11/13/2015. I scheduled and put a deposit for GCS for 11/15/2016. I scheduled 3 of 6 clearings with a local and scheduled a consultation with Dr. Spiegel for 2/3/2016. I expect to be divorced the end of May ( my HRT start is 5/28 and birthday 5/31) I just hope the signing is not on those 2 days.

Since I came out and started expressing I have only seriously thought of suicide 2 or 3 times and none of which was a  spontaneous attempt.

I was getting meds at Mazzoni's Walgreens Wednesday. I parked in one of Jefferson Hospital's High rise parking lots. After picking up meds I went into Jeff's Lobby and was going to pay for the parking. I saw an owner of an Engineering company I had known for 28 years. He was with a manager of Jeff's Facilities Department. I know a bunch of Management at Jeff. I called out to the two in the lobby next to a waiting area with a dozen or so customers waiting for service. The owner stopped and looked at me. Then looked again and then he recognized me. He said what is new and I showed him my ID and said I changed my name. Then we talked about what all is happening with my transition and where it is going. Both were very supportive and asked a lot of questions. Jeff is in the heart of the gayborhood. The people in the waiting area were listening and we had a conversation about my transition like we were discussing the weather. The feeling of being free and not hiding was so incredibly.

2016 will see a lot of change. I told my therapist in November. I can kill myself or I can fully transition and help support my wife (or ex-wife) and child. I realized I had a choice after I did something really stupid July of 2015. I realized I either would attempt again or I would fully transition. My attempts were because I had to make a choice which was really difficult but I had to make the choice.

I realized we all are constantly changing but the changes are slow and we do not realize the change. Then we notice the change like it all happened at once. Change is change and how we internalize the change is a feeling of good, bad or indifference. Reality is, there is a change. Feelings are not real, they are emotions. We make our feelings seam real to us and we react to our feelings and not the reality. We do not have to react to out feelings and if we can look at our feelings from a distance we can realize the feeling is not real and let it pass without reaction.

Happy New year,

Rachel

Hugs for (((((((Rachel)))))))

When you know you are a woman there is only one way forward.  A marriage is very unlikely to survive the truth but you do have support and friends.

Thank you Mary; I am beginning to accept the divorce. I realize my wife will never accept me and my transition causes her mental strain. It is best we go on in  the future as friends.

Yesterday I saw my therapist, 1st times in 3 weeks. I went over a lot of things. My name change decree is being made, 3 clearings scheduled, flight to Dr. Spiegel and appointment secured and GCS scheduled and down payment paid. Also, work has been really good and I think I am accepted very well.

My trainer is tough but during a few minutes at the end of my workout she shared with me how she is marginalized by some other woman due to her hair, piercing and clothing. We chatted about how people can be insensitive. Then  I shared what happened the last time I was with a guy. We shared and connected.

In group the Director for LGBT and head if the board for prisons for Philadelphia came to group. It was an awesome group. 

I went to my therapist yesterday and we discusses a few things. I am having my first electrolysis clearing done next Wednesday and a consult with Dr. Spiegel the following Wednesday. I plan to have a BA with the GCS. Also, I received my decree paperwork from Mazzoni ( I love Mazzoni). I have some apprehension. Not about GCS but about the other procedures. My therapist asked how I feel about the procedures. I feel scared I will look bad or being away from work so much time will have a negative impact.

When I look down I see my breasts. They are size A. If I grew to a B in two months then a C then a D that would be wonderful but to go from an A to a D overnight feels awkward. Same with face and voice. I can handle the change and I want the change but anticipating how people I know will react is unknown and feels uneasy and a bit scary. Second guessing years of dreaming about something and now it can happen and relatively soon.

I need to focus on divorce documents this weekend then the name decree. Wednesday I have a clearing and it will be very embarrassing and uneasy.

When Mazzoni sent the decree in the mail it was addressed Ms. Rachel Lynn xxxxxx . At work my e-mail and all correspondence says Rachel xxxxx. Each time I see that it feels good. When I was walking on 12th street after group last night I did not even think twice about expressing. At work expressing is not an issue and it feels good and secure. So far everything I have done feels wonderful so I guess I am overthinking more changes to come.

Hi!

You are progressing, growing.  You are becoming you, the woman you were meant  to be.  And like all growth, there is pain. I wish it was different.

I am so inspired by you and your journey. 

More later!

Hugs

Jen

Thank you Jen, that means a lot to me.

I dropped off the papers to the divorce financial mediator today. I still need info from the actuary about my pension. My wife did not do her part in paperwork. She did nothing.

I am feeling down. 1/3 or the way there. I really did not want to get divorced. My wife is my best friend. I guess I will need to make more friends.