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Can one live as their target gender without passing?

Started by Nero, December 05, 2007, 12:58:46 AM

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Rachael

thing is dennis, shes not, so it doesnt bother her...
a lot of natal females who get clocked its an occasional thing, followed by an apology usually...
Yeah some women get clocked, but you have to have that Femaleness, or Maleness about you, that once people know you, it negates all worry that your not what you seem... its one of my greatest advantages in passing, my voice is ONLY female, it really cant be mistaken for a boy... and my behaviour, and attitudes, and reactions are FEMALE... it can look like a girl, but if it doesnt behave like one, people wonder even more... One has to pass entirely in that respect. femininity and masculinity aside, there is a core gender that is expressed by someone, when you know them, or interact more closely. if that doesnt match your apearance, nomatter how good you look, your not that man or woman you want to be socially. like a man or woman yes, but you wont be one in other peoples eyes. Its a fine line, and even if some people know, have that core femaleness, or maleness, and people will actually forget, or when they find out, not belive it... THATS passing. THATS BEING your target gender.
R :police:
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Marlene

Quote from: Rachael on December 19, 2007, 09:35:03 AM
thing is dennis, shes not, so it doesnt bother her...
a lot of natal females who get clocked its an occasional thing, followed by an apology usually...
Yeah some women get clocked, but you have to have that Femaleness, or Maleness about you, that once people know you, it negates all worry that your not what you seem... its one of my greatest advantages in passing, my voice is ONLY female, it really cant be mistaken for a boy... and my behaviour, and attitudes, and reactions are FEMALE... it can look like a girl, but if it doesnt behave like one, people wonder even more... One has to pass entirely in that respect. femininity and masculinity aside, there is a core gender that is expressed by someone, when you know them, or interact more closely. if that doesnt match your apearance, nomatter how good you look, your not that man or woman you want to be socially. like a man or woman yes, but you wont be one in other peoples eyes. Its a fine line, and even if some people know, have that core femaleness, or maleness, and people will actually forget, or when they find out, not belive it... THATS passing. THATS BEING your target gender.

You paint everything as being black and white and that's just not reality.  It's more like a bellcurve.  With totally not passing on one extreme and total stealth on the other.  But the vast majority of us fall somewhere in the middle.  And that's okay because as long as you're somewhere within female norms, and that's a lot of territory, you'll be fine.  Don't paint yourself into a corner thinking you have to be "totally passable" because you're setting yourself up for disappointment.  Forget the stereotypes!  Instead, be the best possible YOU.  I went into this determined to do the best with what I've got and I've succeeded pretty well.  It was a struggle at times battling stereotypes, but that's something natals deal with as well.  Don't be your "target gender".  Be YOU. :)

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Rachael

thats actually the truth... it IS black and white...
you either pass, or you dont. if you get read sometimes, or a lot, your still not passing. and thus, not living as a man or woman (whichever)
If people know, then your a transwoman, or transman to them, as respectfully as they treat you, you wont ever be just a man, or just a woman to them. They might get close at times, but they arnt the same.
Sorry to go bursting anyones bubble here, but the world is black and white. it is simple, and its not cute, or fluffy, or cuddly, its a nasty world of positives and negatives, black and white, yes or no... Hey, wed love the world to be different, but the sooner people wake up the better.
If you are trans, and dont pass all the time, you dont pass... if you are only taken for your true gender, you pass... it is that simple.
one can only be a member of thier true gender when they pass completely, socially, visually, in friendships and relationships. If you dont, then your living LIKE your true gender, not as it.
R :police:
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Kate

Quote from: Rachael on December 19, 2007, 01:34:38 PM
If you are trans, and dont pass all the time, you dont pass... if you are only taken for your true gender, you pass... it is that simple.
one can only be a member of thier true gender when they pass completely, socially, visually, in friendships and relationships. If you dont, then your living LIKE your true gender, not as it.

To be honest, I go back and forth with this. Yes, getting read would break my heart. And yet, I suspect that my "need" to mimick a genetic female is at least partly coming from a fear that I'm not "real" somehow unless I do. A fear that I can't trust THEM to see ME unless they see a genetic woman.

But I dunno Rachael... those people out there in the Real World... the ones who AREN'T obsessed with all this TS stuff... keep proving me wrong. They DO see "me." They really, really do. And it seems that "transition" isn't so much about creating a perfect replica body of a GG, but rather learning to TRUST these people, to get over myself and live MY life, rather than that of "a genetic woman," whatever the heck that is anyway.

Maybe I'm just different than most. I've often said that I'm not trans-sexual... I'm trans-personed. My dysphoria isn't that I wasn't female... it's that I wasn't Kate, that person I knew I was, who HAPPENS TO BE female. I'm not transitioning to be female... I'm transitioning to be me, to be Kate. And darn it if people don't seem to see Kate... regardless of if they know I was born male or not.

I'm TRYING to get over this "passing as my target gender" thing, and just focus on being ME, more and more, in every way possible. Maybe I'm delusional, I don't know, but it SEEMS to me that true peace and happiness lies therein... and not in treating "being female" like it's some role to perfect, to mimick convincingly.

~Kate~
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Marlene

Quote from: Rachael on December 19, 2007, 01:34:38 PM
thats actually the truth... it IS black and white...

If that was true then natal women wouldn't be clocked.

You have to be careful here.  Are you being yourself or are you trying to live up to some unattainable stereotype?  After living for other people my whole life that was something I recognized that I had to change.  However, as I started to transition I sometimes felt the calling of the dark side (stereotypes).  To fall into that trap would be to return to the days of living for others.  You must resist this temptation and stay true to yourself.  Chasing stereotypes will only continue your dissatisfaction because almost none of us can ever look like runway models.  Put down those fashion magazines and walk around the local mall.  How many women out there look like those stereotypes?  Not many, and that's reality.  That's why I say "Be You".

Also, it seems that you believe that male and female spheres are mutally exclusive (when it comes to looks).  Not so.  You can best illustrate the variability in looks as a Venn diagram of two overlapping circles.  Some men look feminine and some women look masculine.  That overlap is what allows us to transition.  Hormones (over time), presentation, mannerisms, voice and sometimes surgery (SRS, FFS, BAS) allow us to change our appearance to match our inner essence.  The general public does not have our hang-ups about looks.  They don't feel a pathological need to investigate everyones gender.  If someone looks reasonably female (or male), that's what they are.  I am convinced that the vast majority of us can successfully find happiness and blend back into society.  But the key is to have realistic expectations and to have patience.

Maybe the real issue here is outlook.  I'm an optimist.  I can't help but be so given my experience.  I never thought I would be where I am today.  I once believed as you do.  But HRT (and time), learning from experience (presentation, voice, mannerisms), self-acceptance and surgery brought me inner happiness.  And that inner peace radiates out from me and is what gets me gendered correctly.

Make yourself happy first and then the world will follow your lead.
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Rachael

you shouldnt... but then. this falls back to the other topics on this board about passing... its not about mimickary... its about being yourself, and if yourself is the target gender you present as, then people will just see that.... ofcourse, looking male or female sure helps :P
R :police:
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SarahFaceDoom

Quote from: Kate on December 19, 2007, 03:38:19 PM
Quote from: Rachael on December 19, 2007, 01:34:38 PM
If you are trans, and dont pass all the time, you dont pass... if you are only taken for your true gender, you pass... it is that simple.
one can only be a member of thier true gender when they pass completely, socially, visually, in friendships and relationships. If you dont, then your living LIKE your true gender, not as it.

To be honest, I go back and forth with this. Yes, getting read would break my heart. And yet, I suspect that my "need" to mimick a genetic female is at least partly coming from a fear that I'm not "real" somehow unless I do. A fear that I can't trust THEM to see ME unless they see a genetic woman.

But I dunno Rachael... those people out there in the Real World... the ones who AREN'T obsessed with all this TS stuff... keep proving me wrong. They DO see "me." They really, really do. And it seems that "transition" isn't so much about creating a perfect replica body of a GG, but rather learning to TRUST these people, to get over myself and live MY life, rather than that of "a genetic woman," whatever the heck that is anyway.

Maybe I'm just different than most. I've often said that I'm not trans-sexual... I'm trans-personed. My dysphoria isn't that I wasn't female... it's that I wasn't Kate, that person I knew I was, who HAPPENS TO BE female. I'm not transitioning to be female... I'm transitioning to be me, to be Kate. And darn it if people don't seem to see Kate... regardless of if they know I was born male or not.

I'm TRYING to get over this "passing as my target gender" thing, and just focus on being ME, more and more, in every way possible. Maybe I'm delusional, I don't know, but it SEEMS to me that true peace and happiness lies therein... and not in treating "being female" like it's some role to perfect, to mimick convincingly.

~Kate~

YES!  Those words all hit home for me.
Except my name is Sarah.
But aside from that.

I'm myself now, and I wasn't before.  People feel the warmth and legitimacy from that, and they will give you love back.  And not the paranoid "will they still like me if I don't pass today" kind of love.  The kind of love that sticks with you and is something that can enrich your life.

Probably a question tertiary to the this topic is if you can live any kind of life trying to pass and be stealth.  I don't understand how you can live any kind of life looking over your shoulder constantly.  Fear is no life.  The first time I stepped out the door as Sarah, that was a step away from the life of fear and worry.  Coming out as trans is about deciding that you're through hiding behind lies and deciet and paranoia, and that you are ready to start living life as YOU, whatever that means for each person.

Am I living as my target gender?  maybe, maybe not.  According to some of these standards, how would I even really know.
But am I happy?  Because I wasn't happy before.  Am I happy now?  YES.  VERY much so.

And THAT's what living is about.

Stop the fashion show for a minute and ask yourself if your happy.  If you're happy because of the change you've made, then that's all you need to know.
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Nero

Quote from: Kate on December 19, 2007, 03:38:19 PM
Quote from: Rachael on December 19, 2007, 01:34:38 PM
If you are trans, and dont pass all the time, you dont pass... if you are only taken for your true gender, you pass... it is that simple.
one can only be a member of thier true gender when they pass completely, socially, visually, in friendships and relationships. If you dont, then your living LIKE your true gender, not as it.

To be honest, I go back and forth with this. Yes, getting read would break my heart. And yet, I suspect that my "need" to mimick a genetic female is at least partly coming from a fear that I'm not "real" somehow unless I do. A fear that I can't trust THEM to see ME unless they see a genetic woman.

But I dunno Rachael... those people out there in the Real World... the ones who AREN'T obsessed with all this TS stuff... keep proving me wrong. They DO see "me." They really, really do. And it seems that "transition" isn't so much about creating a perfect replica body of a GG, but rather learning to TRUST these people, to get over myself and live MY life, rather than that of "a genetic woman," whatever the heck that is anyway.

Maybe I'm just different than most. I've often said that I'm not trans-sexual... I'm trans-personed. My dysphoria isn't that I wasn't female... it's that I wasn't Kate, that person I knew I was, who HAPPENS TO BE female. I'm not transitioning to be female... I'm transitioning to be me, to be Kate. And darn it if people don't seem to see Kate... regardless of if they know I was born male or not.

I'm TRYING to get over this "passing as my target gender" thing, and just focus on being ME, more and more, in every way possible. Maybe I'm delusional, I don't know, but it SEEMS to me that true peace and happiness lies therein... and not in treating "being female" like it's some role to perfect, to mimick convincingly.

~Kate~

well, anne-girl, it'd be pretty darn impossible not to see you as female even if you had a beard and overalls. you're just, well... a girl. i'm seriously wondering how you ever managed to live as a guy. it's like living as male hasn't touched you at all.
Nero was the Forum Admin here at Susan's Place for several years up to the time of his death.
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Veronica Secret

Those of us who are secure in who we are don't give our power away to what people may or may not think.
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Rachael

uhhh........
not...
quite...
following...
where ...
this ...
was ...
going...








would you like fries with that ma'am?
R
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Veronica Secret

Quote from: Rachael on December 20, 2007, 06:35:32 PM
uhhh........
not...
quite...
following...
where ...
this ...
was ...
going...








would you like fries with that ma'am?
R

No but I will take one of them 10 cent root beers and you sure look cute in that get-up.

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NicholeW.

Much as I would like to fully embrace the mind-over-matter approach. I think Rach was absolutely spot-on up there. When she said there's a difference when people 'know' and when they don't.

Now maybe that used to just be my own stuff showing up, but I really, honestly doubt it. There is a difference.
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Marlene

Quote from: Nichole W. on December 21, 2007, 12:44:05 AM
Much as I would like to fully embrace the mind-over-matter approach. I think Rach was absolutely spot-on up there. When she said there's a difference when people 'know' and when they don't.

You are correct, BUT we aren't talking about people who "know", we're talking about how the general public sees you.  It's a big difference between "knowing" and suspecting something out of the ordinary.  And usually people are too busy with their own life and problems to really investigate further.

The vast majority of us can lead a relatively assimilated life and some stealth (if that's what they want).  I think the number who are truly never able to do so are much fewer than most believe.
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NicholeW.

Okay, I see that point. But, people don't know. I spoz I should have said that if you invite scrutiny by your own attitude as you move through your day-to-day then people will notice. In fact they'll look four or five times and maybe gape and point as well. We always seem to be attracted to what we perceive as weakness or uncomfortableness. Kinda makes us feel less conspicuous I spoz, all of us, not just TSes, if someone else is more conspicuous.

If you fall within a reasonable range and learn to add some confidence to your walk and your talk, rather than always obsessing about how much you should look, sound or move like "a real woman" then you become for others, "a real woman." For the general public. And I have found that same applies in a more personal life.

For your personal friends, etc, same applies, only there you MUST curb the desire to tell. Never tell. People are allowed to think or suspect or wonder all they wish, and they will no matter what I do. So yes, again as Rach said, be yourself. And keep your mouth shut when it comes to queries.

As for stealth. My guess is that if someone is really engrossed enough to discover a few small items about me and spend $69.95 for a search, they can come up with enough evidence anymore to 'out' me. Question is, who do I know who has enough passion for that to do so? I really can't think of anyone. But, de facto stealth and "true" stealth are two different things. The first is called everyday life and the second is impossible given the nature of internet and security searches, etc.

Nichole
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Rachael

not really... if you know how, you can leave the face of the planet. and return someone else entirely with no trans facts at all ;)
but we wont go there...
also, if your giving someone reason to check your history to find out if your trans, do you pass that well to start with? lol

R :police:
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Veronica Secret

I have often thought about moving somewhere and starting a new life in "deep stealth" I just moved to the Bay Area and from what I hear I picked the wrong place to do that (It wasn't my intention anyway) I know some Asian girls who are absolutely drop dead gorgeous and seemingly unreadable who tell me that they get read occasionally but, myself, I just live my life as a woman and don't worry about this BS (obsession about passing) anymore.
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NicholeW.

Quote from: Rachael on December 22, 2007, 08:50:46 AM
not really... if you know how, you can leave the face of the planet. and return someone else entirely with no trans facts at all ;)
but we wont go there...
also, if your giving someone reason to check your history to find out if your trans, do you pass that well to start with? lol

R :police:

It doesn't require that much, just someone with more time on their hands and money than a life. There are many like that. Prolly even a few on BBs.

As for 'stealth' get your education and apply for employment with a multi-national, MI-5 or MI-6, any employment in UK that requires a background check: in USA that would include day-care center, a bank, mental hospitals, police, fire department, government employments, on and on.

Leaving the planet and returning LOL prolly wouldn't work here either. Our little building demolitions back in 2001 have pretty much placed an end to stealth as it used to be known in USA. The new national id card will fix it so even McDonald's will know soon.

That leaves the onus on me, or you, to live lives with the realities of ueber-security (the thought that I will never die or even be injured as a constitutional right) embracing us all. Even when people know, they don't always remember they know with the right attitude and 'presentation.' So, its all pretty much up to the individual to make their lives work.

O, you might get an under-the-table employment running illegals into the country or be a drugs dealer without the security vet, but most reasonably good employments will out you. Soon, I imagine, even the poor ones will.

N~   
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Veronica Secret

QuoteEven when people know, they don't always remember they know with the right attitude and 'presentation.' So, its all pretty much up to the individual to make their lives work.

Agreed!
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Rachael

i wasnt talking about vetting... i was talking about how easy it is to get a new clean identity. :P
R :police:
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NicholeW.

Quote from: Ashley Michelle on December 22, 2007, 09:24:25 AM
Quote from: Nichole W. on December 22, 2007, 09:14:22 AM
Quote from: Rachael on December 22, 2007, 08:50:46 AM
not really... if you know how, you can leave the face of the planet. and return someone else entirely with no trans facts at all ;)
but we wont go there...
also, if your giving someone reason to check your history to find out if your trans, do you pass that well to start with? lol

R :police:

It doesn't require that much, just someone with more time on their hands and money than a life. There are many like that. Prolly even a few on BBs.

As for 'stealth' get your education and apply for employment with a multi-national, MI-5 or MI-6, any employment in UK that requires a background check: in USA that would include day-care center, a bank, mental hospitals, police, fire department, government employments, on and on.

Leaving the planet and returning LOL prolly wouldn't work here either. Our little building demolitions back in 2001 have pretty much placed an end to stealth as it used to be known in USA. The new national id card will fix it so even McDonald's will know soon.

That leaves the onus on me, or you, to live lives with the realities of ueber-security (the thought that I will never die or even be injured as a constitutional right) embracing us all. Even when people know, they don't always remember they know with the right attitude and 'presentation.' So, its all pretty much up to the individual to make their lives work.

O, you might get an under-the-table employment running illegals into the country or be a drugs dealer without the security vet, but most reasonably good employments will out you. Soon, I imagine, even the poor ones will.

N~   



which is all the more reason for an inclusive enda. 

or, finding a job in one of the 13 states and many individual cities that currently have enda-like protections.  as i begin to start my job search in anticipation of finishing law school next year, that is extremely high on my list


~ashley~

Yeah, much to be liked about those 13 states. The feds may even follow suit in another 20 years. Let's see 8 of ClintonII or Obama ... O my, where do I find the remaining 12!!!?

I live 200 yards from such a state and am in grad school there. Of course, no legal challenges yet on the employment matter and the recent "gay marriage" approval has shown some problems with employments disregarding things like "spousal" medical coverages, etc.

Laws tend to be guidelines more than demands, Ash. They're nice to have in place, but the enforcement and the disincentives to break the darned things are those factors that never get written into laws. I am consistently amazed at Americans who seem to think that "passing a law" solves the problem.

I remember, vaguely, I was 12, the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed and how outraged some people were at one of our Senators for pushing its passage. (I grew up in a Border State and segregation was 'the law.')

My first experience of a black child in my high school was two years later, when i was a freshman. His family had lived three miles from me for forty years. He bused every day of his life till he was in 10th grade to a school 20 miles away because he had to "be with his kind."

Things do change, as do attitudes, but laws seldom make sea-changes. They do, however, give you grounds for some legal protections that will be, often, enforced after-the-fact provided you have the wherewithal to "outlast" the corporation or people on the other side.

I don't mean this to sound hopeless, it isn't hopeless and the changes that have been made and seem to be, slowly, on the way are good ones and in time they will matter a lot. I just suspect that black people in USA who were 20 in 1964 waited quite some time to see 'change' really come. I know they did.

Having grown up in the "South" and lived as well in the "Deep South," Texas, Washington and California, I find it strange living here in the "Northeast" that I am now living in the most racially segregated places in USA that I have ever lived in. *shrug*

I think it helps the change when those who think they don't need to change discover that they do. I expect a lot of Black, Hispanic and Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, Laotian and Indian people living up this way might just agree with me.

N~   

Posted on: December 22, 2007, 10:43:54 AM
Quote from: Rachael on December 22, 2007, 09:28:17 AM
i wasnt talking about vetting... i was talking about how easy it is to get a new clean identity. :P
R :police:

"You say po-tay-ta I say po-taa-ta. Let's call the whole thing off."   :D

Hugs,

Nichole
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