Hello, everyone! I'm new to this site, but I'm really glad to have found such an excellent group of people who are so open and supportive. I feel at a bit of a cross roads in my life right now and I was hoping to hear a bit more about your experiences to perhaps help me build some courage about my own situation.

A bit about me... I currently present as a lesbian (short hair, masculine clothes), but am often seen as male in public. Since before I can remember, I have felt that I just don't fit as a female and absolutely, without question, feel that I should have been born male. That being said, I wasn't born male, which means I now have to make the choice between accepting myself as female or transitioning into the male I feel I should be.

There are so many things about transitioning that just feel right...changing my name, going on T, getting rid of my chest. But then I get stuck when I think about the tough parts - coming out to my family and friends and at work, going through surgery when I already have a pre-existing medical issue, etc. I know that it would be easier in so many ways to just live out my life as a lesbian, but then it feels awful to do something because it's easier. So I guess my question to you is, what made you take that leap? What made you think, "I just can't live as a woman anymore?"

Quote from: yellowparachute on November 15, 2015, 03:24:04 AM
Hello, everyone! I'm new to this site, but I'm really glad to have found such an excellent group of people who are so open and supportive. I feel at a bit of a cross roads in my life right now and I was hoping to hear a bit more about your experiences to perhaps help me build some courage about my own situation.

A bit about me... I currently present as a lesbian (short hair, masculine clothes), but am often seen as male in public. Since before I can remember, I have felt that I just don't fit as a female and absolutely, without question, feel that I should have been born male. That being said, I wasn't born male, which means I now have to make the choice between accepting myself as female or transitioning into the male I feel I should be.

There are so many things about transitioning that just feel right...changing my name, going on T, getting rid of my chest. But then I get stuck when I think about the tough parts - coming out to my family and friends and at work, going through surgery when I already have a pre-existing medical issue, etc. I know that it would be easier in so many ways to just live out my life as a lesbian, but then it feels awful to do something because it's easier. So I guess my question to you is, what made you take that leap? What made you think, "I just can't live as a woman anymore?"

Hello and welcome to Susan's Place!^^

Yeah, I know how you're feeling. Truth be told, whether you transition or not, it would not change the fact that you may or may not be transgender. Like choosing not to transition does not decide whether you are transgender or not. Being transgender is not a choice. Transitioning is a choice. Yeah, took me a while to understand this concept actually. I came out to myself first, then others about a few months ago. It wasn't easy at all, including coming out to myself. But that's no excuse why you shouldn't do it if you really want to.That's why for a long time I was so miserable with life. Now that I am out and "awake," I want to live more than ever. If being transgender has taught me anything, its really taught me to always follow my heart and be true to not only others but also myself no matter what the circumstance is! =)

Personally, I think if you feel like a male and that you should have been born in a man's body, that strongly implies that you are a transman and that transitioning really could help with this. But I do not want to speak for you as if I know for certain and get your hopes up on anything. What I would do now, if I were you, is I would seek out support such as from a gender therapist or a professional who speaks with clients struggling with their gender identity or dealing with gender dysphoria. These are the guys you talk to in order to obtain the fabled letter of recommendation to hormone replacement therapy, which in our case would be for Testosterone.

Good luck on your journey of self-discovery! :3 And if you ever need an ear to listen, you're more than welcome to PM me. 

~Nixy~

Welcome to the forum . This is an interesting topic. For me it's been a very complicated process. I only found out I liked women when I was 18, then realised I felt more like my gf's bf than her gf a few months after the before fact (I also tried out nb for a bit bcos I found it hard to accept that I could be a trans man as it's not that common). Then I spent the last two years absolutely miserable with chronic depression and social anxiety until I reached the point where I couldn't do it anymore. To top it all off I couldn't stand my birth name/pronouns being used at work day in and day out.

I think all trans people get to that breaking point. It's definitely not logical to come out to face rejection and leave the cosy life you're familiar with. I definitely don't want you to have a mental breakdown like so many of us do. So like Phoenix said a gender therapist would be a good start or maybe attending a trans group.

It is hard but I'm so much happier than I was previously and it's worth it in the end, even though i never thought it was worth the risks. I hope this has helped, good luck

Go see a therapist or counselor for sure.  That helped me the most.  Having someone to talk to and have as support and give you coping mechanisms.  I went from being depressed and angry.  I used to break things and yell and punch holes in walls.  My therapist helped me understand and deal with emotions and I knew I had to come out and be my true self.  My happiness was more important then all the fears I had.  I reached a breaking point.  I couldn't not come out any longer.

Two things: reaching an absolute low point in my life, and meeting someone who understands. I knew I was going to have to do something at the start of last summer to keep going, and that's when I started to accept that I have to do this. I just couldn't go on anymore with the way things were. Then meeting someone who isn't absolutely repulsed and disgusted by me, and actually supports my transition, provided further impetus. Finally I came out in public, and have received good support from my colleagues. I realised that I wasn't destined to die poor and alone if I decided to this. Each step I've taken up to this point has confirmed that I'm doing the right thing for me, and that it is not going to be some kind of epic disaster.

Quote from: yellowparachute on November 15, 2015, 03:24:04 AM
Hello, everyone! I'm new to this site, but I'm really glad to have found such an excellent group of people who are so open and supportive. I feel at a bit of a cross roads in my life right now and I was hoping to hear a bit more about your experiences to perhaps help me build some courage about my own situation.

A bit about me... I currently present as a lesbian (short hair, masculine clothes), but am often seen as male in public. Since before I can remember, I have felt that I just don't fit as a female and absolutely, without question, feel that I should have been born male. That being said, I wasn't born male, which means I now have to make the choice between accepting myself as female or transitioning into the male I feel I should be.

There are so many things about transitioning that just feel right...changing my name, going on T, getting rid of my chest. But then I get stuck when I think about the tough parts - coming out to my family and friends and at work, going through surgery when I already have a pre-existing medical issue, etc. I know that it would be easier in so many ways to just live out my life as a lesbian, but then it feels awful to do something because it's easier. So I guess my question to you is, what made you take that leap? What made you think, "I just can't live as a woman anymore?"

I am 45 years old.  I lived as a stone butch (no touching of my genitals, breasts during sex), masculine female for all of my adult life.  My social circle was within the butch/femme/queer community.  I never identified as a lesbian, nor did my partners, however, they only dated masculine identified stone butches.  In that community I was not seen as a woman, just as "butch", with really no identified sex.  It was a manageable life if I was with other queer people and my partner.  Work always accepted me as a genderless sort of person, and no one related to me as a woman, so that too was "manageable".  Being outside of work and home was not manageable due to the social dysphoria.  Although I was most often read as male, after I started having a conversation, it would most often change to me being seen as female.  So, I became much of a hermit.  This is how I survived the last 15 years.

My breasts, however, even with binding was not "manageable", when it came to the dysphoria.  I went back and forth about testosterone and socially transitioning to male due to my 20 years in my profession and how wide sweeping my transition would need to be within my company and outside of it.  I decided to try to get rid of the body dysphoria by getting top surgery.  My genitals didn't bother me as much because they weren't used for sex in any way, so I could pretty much ignore their existence.  Also, my body shape was more male, little hip, and tall with wide shoulders.  I think if I had more of a typical female body shape I would have had more physical dysphoria (well more physical dysphoria that I couldn't "block out").

Top surgery (got it two years ago), was definitely helpful.  I actually had more of an interest in going out and doing things.  However, leaving the house and being around people more meant experiencing social dysphoria more often.  It was the social dysphoria that really propelled the decision to take testosterone and socially transition.  Too, having a male chest and seeing how fantastic my body looked in a more male structure propelled it as well.  I saw the congruence my body could be with my mind now.

In sum:

1) I got top surgery due to physical dysphoria (that I thought would be "enough" to quiet all dysphoria)

2) I went medically/socially transitioned due to social dysphoria.

What I have found though, is that it isn't the lack of social dysphoria that creates the happiness I now feel.  It is having the peace and mental and emotional balance that comes with having the "right" hormone in my body.

I hope this was helpful.

Good luck in your decision making.

Because I have to mate I never feel more alive since I came out with my friends, family and the world.

I lived with this for over 50 yrs. thinking that it would always be a part of my "secret" life.

When I decided to transition, I knew that I would never be truly happy if I continued to live the lie.  I had to be honest with myself, I had to put my happiness first.  Love myself! If I didn't then I could never be in or have an honest relationship with anyone.

I was so tired of the pain that came from being unable to express my feelings that I had lost the ability to feel.

When I started my transition and as it unfolds, I have found true happiness.  What a gift! 

Quote from: yellowparachute on November 15, 2015, 03:24:04 AM
So I guess my question to you is, what made you take that leap? What made you think, "I just can't live as a woman anymore?"

I was struggling to find any sort of hope for my future.  The only way I envisioned my continued existence was as a man...so I feel that it HAD to be done, to continue my life, to have joy and peace and love in my life.  The transition has posed many challenges and has not always been easy, though it has been much easier than living my life as a woman ever was.

Quote from: yellowparachute on November 15, 2015, 03:24:04 AM
So I guess my question to you is, what made you take that leap? What made you think, "I just can't live as a woman anymore?"

I knew I was trans at 17 and didn't transition until I was 25. I just got to a point where I couldn't imagine my life living as a woman anymore. I couldn't see myself living another year that way.

I couldn't picture myself as a grown woman. I seriously could not put one image into my head of myself being older, or maybe even married to a dude.. with kids? I wanted a WIFE and kids if I was to go down that route. I love women, I just don't want to be seen as one. Ever since transitioning I find life easier and more enjoyable. it's like going from a tough gravel road to a smooth paved one. So that's why.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: jlaframboise on November 16, 2015, 08:25:43 PM
I couldn't picture myself as a grown woman. I seriously could not put one image into my head of myself being older, or maybe even married to a dude.. with kids? I wanted a WIFE and kids if I was to go down that route. I love women, I just don't want to be seen as one. Ever since transitioning I find life easier and more enjoyable. it's like going from a tough gravel road to a smooth paved one. So that's why.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This Is how I found out that I was something else but the gender I was given.
I couldnt picture myself living a heterosexual life.
I don't relate to lesbian couples
Nothing in Me recognises  female prounance,  name calling and ive been feeling disconnected a long time. It's teater.
My body is holding on to a mask that tricks people

KNOWLEDGE can save people. 
Wish I knew what I know today, I had to teach  myself, my mind is still to this day wanting to be cleared.  My search for my true self and identity...how much this would have a passive but also a big stressing part in why I end up stand ing on the wrong road and with directions that lead me to a circle of false behaviour. Every  here and there är see the fraud.


We need to know these things earlier, especially  In school. I see some difference  now as for a couple of years  here in Sweden, people choose to come out as who they are more often and that makes me so happy. 

I think I can honestly say in retrospect that it wasn't even a choice. I had to do it at some point or my life would've eventually come to that crucial point when everything would just explode in my head.

I couldn't see myself in the future at all and when I tried to imagine it, it felt very awkward and unreal, and that person wasn't me. Then again, I can't really picture my future even now but at least now I know I'm gonna be a cranky old man who's way too fond of caffeine. May not be the most glorious future but hey, at least I have one now.

Not sure why I chose to CD in public. I had moved in w/ Vikki ,my GF/mentor due to my hours being cut. After a month or so I helped her spring clean her closet. She had me box up stuff for Goodwill. About a week later I went thru the boxes & took out what I liked. (We are the same height/weight) About 6 weeks later I decided to take 'Bridget' out for a test drive. Everything went well so I decided ,6 weeks later to tell Vikki about Bridget. Wasn't sure how she'd take it. One Friday after she came home from work, I sat her down, told her that I had some news to tell her. Well, she went into a tirade that she could change. She then asked if it was another girl? I told her "Well," I dumped my Bridget kit on the table. She looked at the wig, breastforms etc. She then said "I want to meet...." "Bridget" I replied. "I want to meet Bridget. You have one hour. You can use my bathroom, makeup room & closet." I sat there stunned. She then tapped her watch "Tick Tock" she giggled. I knew by her giggle, she was serious. I ran upstairs & within 55 minutes, I was Bridget. She looked me over & brought me back to her makeup room. She had me strip to bra & panties & wash off the makeup & she sat me there, she proceeded to touch up my makeup. As she did this, we talked. I knew then that I could trust her. She has been a godsend. She once told me that she 'experimented' w/ a girl in College one weekend. I have been both BF & GF to her.   

I chose to transition because I was getting increasingly more dysphoric about being/passing as a woman. I was getting more and more upset by misgenderings and my own body and voice. I reached a point where everything was going downhill and I knew that if I didn't act on my feelings, that I would eventually become suicidal. And I didn't want to wait for it to get that bad.
I'm a very fearful anxious person and it takes a lot for me to make big decisions. So it took me realizing how bad it was going to get to make my decision.

I never lived as a woman in the first place. I just lived as myself, wearing what I wanted to and acting how I wanted to. The result was that some people like my 'quirkiness' on sight and others found me disturbing and intimidating; but overall I don't "fit in". In the end, I figured I might as well just transition. I'm probably not going to fit in afterwards either, but at least I'll be happier with myself.

The turning point was living long enough to see that my unhappiness wasn't going to evaporate on its own and that I've nothing left to lose.

It's all about what will make you happier in the long run.

For me it was partly the fact that I hardly ever passed prior to T and the fact that I just can't imagine myself living in the body I had for the rest of my life. I was scared to come out which I talked a lot about with a therapist and as someone who has never really had much medical intervention for anything it's a scary prospect. But I feel this is the only way I will be happy enough with my life that I will make it the future and I already had a(n undocumented) history of severe depression and suicidal thoughts. I didn't want to go down that path again.

Is it just me or do we hear less "transition or die" stories from FtMs than MtFs? I'm firmly in the "transition or die" camp. I was becoming increasingly fragile and unstable for years prior to my realization. When I remember thoughts and fantasies in the ten years prior to that realization, let alone the years before that, it surprises me how willfully ignorant of my own nature I was.

Quote from: Dee Marshall on November 19, 2015, 02:42:46 PM
Is it just me or do we hear less "transition or die" stories from FtMs than MtFs? I'm firmly in the "transition or die" camp. I was becoming increasingly fragile and unstable for years prior to my realization. When I remember thoughts and fantasies in the ten years prior to that realization, let alone the years before that, it surprises me how willfully ignorant of my own nature I was.

I think that it may have something to do with the fact that FtMs can at least experiment with the trappings of their gender without society striking them down for it.  After all, to quote Madonna: "Girls can wear jeans and cut their hair short, because it's okay to be a boy.  But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading, because you think being a girl is degrading."  That probably helps psychologically.

I, personally, decided to transition when I realized 1) that it was possible to transition to an extent that would actually help my dysphoria (aka, to acquire believable secondary sex characteristics through the use of hormones) and 2) because I figured out that my gender was the reason I couldn't imagine a happy future.  I could imagine a future where I wasn't super UNHAPPY, but I couldn't imagine actually being happy.  It was almost as if the future was just this dull, lifeless thing.  But the moment I started thinking of myself as a man and imagining myself passing as a man, that changed.  Suddenly I could imagine a future full of happiness.  But I HAD to medically transition for that.  The physical dysphoria of being "in the middle" is worse than being hard-core passing as female, to be honest, because it reminds me of everything I don't have.  Just dressing and living like a man wasn't enough; I had to FULLY look like a man to experience the kind of happiness I am looking for.

I am a people pleaser.  I have been one most all of my life.    I came home from work one day and my ex left an angry note on the door and she was gone.   I  knew that I was a female but had kept it to myself.  I realized that I had feared all my life that if I came out as a transsexual woman my wife would leave.   It happened any way.   I realized that I wish that I had come out earlier that my ex and the kids had but their interests before the family and that I had given up too much of myself to please others.   I was alone at home and I accepted the fact that I was Michelle and started being myself at home.   I found another partner on Susans and we got together.  I decided to transition within the context of my family life and not in isolation.   I reached 62 and retired and I was out totally all the time.  I figured that if I couldn't be myself than my kids and grand kids couldn't either.   In order to free my kids for my expectations,  I had to be myself so they could be theirs.