My story is very different from the typical. I didn't REALLY start realizing my gender until I was 18, and even then it was a slow process from there. Somehow, I knew, but never dealt with or acknowledged it.
I grew up with Barbies and makeup, I was a Brownie. I had girl best friends, I loved glitter. At 10-13 was when it really started to surface but I kept it relatively buried and fought my inner masculinity even when it made me attractive to people around me. I tried to be feminine, and to a great extent, I am. I don't know how much of it is self conditioning and how much of it is social conditioning combined with generall q*eerness.
This worsened once I was put on T-blockers and estrogen birth control for health reasons. Since I have been off it, I have been reaching my true self, but I have a lot of self loathing and frustration.
I get angry with people I should accept as brothers because I worry I am a fraud, but as soon as I try to tell myself I am female I become uncomfortable. I am very bitter and am trying not to be and slowly working my way out of the closet.

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There is nothing different about you. The age you understand your self can vary. I have seen FTMs on the site who are making their first visit to the site at age 30 or 40. I am a MTF who received my surgery 33 years go and I programed and designed computers for a living as well as make many repairs around the house and work. You should never try to fit into a stereotype but should instead define a life where you are comfortable. You might want to change a few things in life or many, but what ever you want to change, change because that's the way you want to live your life.

Quote from: carnuatus on November 18, 2015, 09:56:47 PMThis worsened once I was put on T-blockers and estrogen birth control for health reasons. Since I have been off it, I have been reaching my true self, but I have a lot of self loathing and frustration.

I get angry with people I should accept as brothers because I worry I am a fraud, but as soon as I try to tell myself I am female I become uncomfortable. I am very bitter and am trying not to be and slowly working my way out of the closet.

Hey, man. I get you. I absolutely could have written this post two years ago. In fact, I think I did; my early posts here were full of anger and shame and resentment. If it helps, things got a lot better with time. Less horrible storms of self-loathing and despair, more occasional sunshowers of irritation and whining, haha. I still sometimes try and tell myself to give up on this bs and just be female, but I'm finally at a point where I'm able to say "that's not me, that's not going to be me."

My issues were also brought on by anti-androgens, I think! I was on spironolactone briefly, and I've never felt worse in my life. I came out to myself almost immediately after starting the AA.

Quote from: captains on November 19, 2015, 02:38:52 AM
Hey, man. I get you. I absolutely could have written this post two years ago. In fact, I think I did; my early posts here were full of anger and shame and resentment. If it helps, things got a lot better with time. Less horrible storms of self-loathing and despair, more occasional sunshowers of irritation and whining, haha. I still sometimes try and tell myself to give up on this bs and just be female, but I'm finally at a point where I'm able to say "that's not me, that's not going to be me."

My issues were also brought on by anti-androgens, I think! I was on spironolactone briefly, and I've never felt worse in my life. I came out to myself almost immediately after starting the AA.

I was on spironolactone as well. It pretty much just made me try to be a girl even more catastrophically. It didn't necessarily make me miserable. Just. Come to terms with things slower. I've been fighting myself on this for more or less the past 8 years. And I do have a vaguely genderqueer side but almost none of that is female.
I'm not as angry and depressed as I have been but that's because I've been removing people from my life and have been surrounding myself with people who are supportive. I talk about it and write about it so much that I doubt anyone I go to school with will be all that surprised. I get more angry at my self-doubt than actually feeling male. I've been fighting myself a lot more lately because my "female" side has been making itself known. It's a part of me but it's not me. A lot of it has to do with being referred to as female and my taken name no longer having the weight it used to. I'm not 100% out at school but I go by my true name there (or, trie nickname, anyway). Now people associate that with a female persona and it's starting to smother me. I just have all this implacable rage toward a fellow ftm? friend of mine for essentially no reason.

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I didn't realize my trans* status until around that age either. And I get the whole resentment thing and keeping feelings buried. I didn't fit into a lot of the typical stereotypes placed out there that are just ridiculous because cis people don't have to fit them to be their gender. But as time goes on I realize that presenting as male is more comfortable to me and I can't imagine not doing so.

Quote from: DarkWolf_7 on November 19, 2015, 10:25:13 AM
I didn't realize my trans* status until around that age either. And I get the whole resentment thing and keeping feelings buried. I didn't fit into a lot of the typical stereotypes placed out there that are just ridiculous because cis people don't have to fit them to be their gender. But as time goes on I realize that presenting as male is more comfortable to me and I can't imagine not doing so.

I completely relate to that. What's worse, is the rejection you face even within the trans community when you don't fit that cookie cutter image or force yourself to fit that cookie cutter image. The screwed up part is that so many people in our community change themselves to fit that image.