This will be bit of a long post, but it's something I had little control over. I'm in a pretty bad place right now and after mulling over these thoughts with no resolution, I have just got to put them somewhere besides my head.

To begin, it was two years ago when those lifelong feelings of discomfort and dissonance with myself suddenly erupted into something capable of eclipsing everything else in my life. So much time has been spent contemplating on a way out, what to do, only find there is nothing I can do that would actually lead to any sort of quality life.  So now I'm in limbo, accompanied by a perpetual, intense feeling of entrapment and helplessness as I cannot move on from this state of being.

I really wish I could find some way to manage the dysphoria, but it doesn't seem possible. For a long time, I coped with my confusing life through composing music, which also served as a form of self-discovery. Turns out it wasn't enough to fill the void inside of me though, and perhaps my creativity was never what it could be due to that gap.

In some effort to fix my life, and escape my previous bout of depression, I adapted a relatively healthy lifestyle. Picked up some old hobbies such as biking, meditation, a better diet, etc. which put me in a better place. Yet even then I was not able to find a somewhat realistic way to actually achieve my goals. I was hoping of making it as a musician in time. Yet, after accepting the reality of things, what my chances were and such, I lost my grip and fell back into the hole, deeper than before and still falling.

I really don't like going out in public if I can help it. I can't do mirrors.. glancing at the creature on the other side is a harrowing experience, my mind recoils in horror. There will never be words that accurately describe the feeling, but nails on the chalkboard will set you in the right direction. The real shame is I'm just 24, so I could only ponder how worse it'll get. I can hardly leave my home except for work and grocery shopping. No matter what, I am constantly plagued by a feeling of filth that penetrates to the core. Body dysmorphic disorder plays a role, but it's also a feeling I can trace to the first time I ever saw myself in the mirror, and I am too terrified to go any further down that route.

I'm sure it's obvious by now that I should take steps towards transition to escape from this nightmare, but I can't really say the benefits will overcome whatever repercussions that must be faced. I'm lucky to have an alright
paying job, but its not enough to cover the surgeries that are needed. Besides my trachea, the real concern is my brow, a growth of prehistoric proportions. I don't even know if I could do bangs since I have alopecia in just the right spot, necessitating a different hairstyle to overcome that problem. The fact makeup can't be worn in my job industry, won't help matters much.  If my job survived, I don't see how I could survive such a hostile work environment.

Yeah.. no career of any sort is another nail in the coffin. The fact I couldn't see a future for myself in high school
made it to where I barely graduated, let alone consider going to college. For awhile I was OK with having invested my time in creative pursuits, versus academic ones, yet I see what little it'll do for me now. I would give it up just to be normal.

Then there's my housing situation. My dad has been wanting to help me out with getting a new place on my property to replace the mobile home I live in now, which is livable, but isn't in the best condition due to intense periods of rain throughout the years and just age in general. Honestly it does need to be replaced, but getting a loan would make transition impossible for years. As much as I'd like to shove my problems into some box and do it, I really don't see it being viable for my situation, yet at the same time, it is a problem that needs handling itself.

I have went to see a therapist about this, and it has been very helpful considering she's been the only person I could express my troubles to. It's been a few months since my last appointment now. She seems to support the idea of transition, yet that's just one of my issues. I have borderline traits from my childhood, leading to a need for reassurance, weak sense of self and ambivalence towards others, I see no good coming out of that, especially combined with my sensitivity as a person. I'm also self diagnosed with ASD, which seems to describe many quirks in my personality. Don't really have any friends either due to changing schools a number of times and moving out of state after graduation. I am also cruddy at making and keeping them. The fact I feel so uncomfortable going out doing things makes it a lot worse. All I have is my best friend who lives a few states away, who I text every now and then.

I'd like to say screw it and just transition but I can only think of all that it will unravel in my life. I don't feel all that well equipped, resilient enough and possess the strength of character as an individual to handle all those stresses and adversities. Things just don't look good to me and freezing to death seems preferable over burning up from the contempt of others. The money to be spent on transition would be better put to other causes.. my brother could certainly use those resources considering he's just graduated high school.   

So yeah.. trapped in this mental labyrinthine, I'm slowly coming to a halt, or just going crazy. My mind simply cannot hold up, as it begins to short-circuit. I feel like an idiot and a coward for my inability to face my inner demons, but all I really wanted to do was just create things, nothing more. But I can't even do that now, seeing how I've been reduced to an empty shell. No more pangs of envy, fear and anxiety, or dreams and hopes leading to any uplifting sense of purpose or reason. Nothing but the sensation of being crushed every second I'm awake, and the occasional splinter going through my heart as I imagine how my parents will react whenever I succumb to this, sometime next month. I don't know what I was wanting to achieve with this post, asides from telling someone my story, the distinct notion that there may be hope or just someone to talk to. It all just feels like some real bad dream to me.

Few people zip right through the transition because there are always problems to deal with. Some people have more problems that others. Also you need to look at the transition as a series of small steps. For example one of the many issues you talk about is money. Sometimes the costive the transition might be covered by a medical insurance policy. If you don't have one through work, you might be able to pick up a personal policy.

It took me from age 23 to age 30 complete my transition for two reason. Insurance wasn't as good and I needed to earn the needed money but the other problem was finding the right medical care. Several years were spent going nowhere because I couldn't connect with the type of care I needed. Once I found it I was able to make progress.

I don't wear makeup at work because I can be out in 110 degree weather where makeup has a half life of about 10 minutes. I also didn't have FFS. Sometimes your appearance may not be the best but you might be able to come up with a look were you only use eye makeup and leave the foundation for more formal needs.

I understand the hair issue and many of the girls here have problems much like yours. Wigs are common and now it possible to buy pretty good wigs without costing a fortune.

What you have isn't going away and can't be blocked. You will need to find a way to live with it and we will help you in any way we can. I think there is a future for you but it will take time and won't be easy. Fearing the transition is common but once you start seeing progress, the fear fades into the back ground and you start to feel happy for the first time in a very long time.

I checked and you haven't received a copy of the links yet. Normally they are posted on your initial post but that was a few days ago so I will post it here.

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Quote from: Didgeridoo on November 19, 2015, 01:10:39 PM
I'd like to say screw it and just transition but I can only think of all that it will unravel in my life.

This is true, it is a thing that happens even for those of us who may feel like we have a handle on things and most likely it will happen to you too. But to be perfectly candid it sounds like there's not a lot in your life you're very happy about right now anyway. See a therapist, talk to them about that, about letting go and about embracing what feels like the right path for you - it doesn't have to include transition but you should look into finding peace with yourself.

Hi Didgeridoo

I have just started my transition and everything you talk about has been through my mind at some point. I can hear the misery in your voice and I can empathise. In the end for me it came down to more than just what I could lose if I did transition, among many other things it was also about what can I gain, yes it will cost you but which will cost you more in the long run?....doing something or doing nothing?

Sarah T

Dear Didgeridoo:

For some of us, the road just seems to be an impossible trail which leads to darkness.  As someone who embraced that darkness, that is not something you want to do.  As Nietzsche said or there abouts, "If you look into abyss too long, it stares back into you."

I am speaking plainly here because of your post and you finally reaching the point where silence was longer a viable strategy.  That's really great news and if you will continue to converse here your participation in the social commons will begin to resonate with you, creating avenues of thought, possibilities and hope that can't be imagined until you turn away from the dark path.

Me telling you what to specifically do won't be particularly helpful, except for the advice to join and share here in the social commons (and/or a support group) of trans-people who will get you at a level that is impossible anywhere else. 

As I hope you will continue to reach out, and I heard you about this, you'll find a whole panoply of emotions, experiences and reactions.  I really had to force myself for the first couple of months to associate with "those trans-people," OMG!  But I'd been to the edge and there was little left for me but associate with people like me or the accept darkness; thank goodness those wonderful dear souls who were there for me embraced me no matter what and in time I began to cope.

Perhaps you might consider doing something similar as may be possible in your region, area, family, etc.  In my eventual coming out to the world, it was a huge deal for everyone with responses all over the place - scary and saddening and wonderful and . . . in time truly bright and loving, hopeful and endearing, yes, very different than before but beautiful.  I just first had to start with a therapist and soon thereafter a support group and talk; the action followed naturally.

You are not alone, and you deserve to have a life that truly works for you that you love.  Writing your post here was a great beginning to create that life.  Welcome my dear to taking that step onto the pathway.  All you have to do for now is keep in touch, share and be willing to hear others who have or are in the midst of similar circumstances.

Take good care and maybe think of one (just one) very, very small positive thing to do next and share it; yours in fellowship,

Rachel

Wow, thanks to all of you who read through that soppy post of mine, and for your words of wisdom. Wish I didn't have to wait until I was on the edge of  sanity to reach out for help. I will make sure to take all your advice into perspective and do what I can to get out of this mess.

Quote from: Dena on November 19, 2015, 04:16:17 PM
Sometimes the costive the transition might be covered by a medical insurance policy. If you don't have one through work, you might be able to pick up a personal policy.

What you have isn't going away and can't be blocked. You will need to find a way to live with it and we will help you in any way we can. I think there is a future for you but it will take time and won't be easy. Fearing the transition is common but once you start seeing progress, the fear fades into the back ground and you start to feel happy for the first time in a very long time.

Luckily I do have medical insurance, and they cover hormones, though I haven't really looked into what else they might cover. For the latter half of your post, I've certainly learned that my identity isn't something that can be simply overlooked. Unfortunately my independent nature, ways and methods towards resolving it has proven futile, and foolish, but in the end, I do feel reaching out was the right choice.

Quote from: Ms Grace on November 19, 2015, 04:35:26 PM
This is true, it is a thing that happens even for those of us who may feel like we have a handle on things and most likely it will happen to you too. But to be perfectly candid it sounds like there's not a lot in your life you're very happy about right now anyway. See a therapist, talk to them about that, about letting go and about embracing what feels like the right path for you - it doesn't have to include transition but you should look into finding peace with yourself.

It's just such a confusing and overwhelming matter that it seems easier just to let it sap my will to live rather than summon the enormous strength necessary to fix myself. I don't think I could ever find peace with myself if I don't transition, but at the same time it'll take that very confidence in go through with it in the first place. I've never been someone to take such large leaps of faith, however I know deep down there exists no other path for me. 

Quote from: sarahtokes on November 19, 2015, 10:39:29 PM
Hi Didgeridoo

I have just started my transition and everything you talk about has been through my mind at some point. I can hear the misery in your voice and I can empathise. In the end for me it came down to more than just what I could lose if I did transition, among many other things it was also about what can I gain, yes it will cost you but which will cost you more in the long run?....doing something or doing nothing?

Sarah T

I certainly feel I've invested more thought in what could be lost if I did transition versus the pros, whether it's realistic thinking or pessimism I dunno. To not transition however, would cost my life, just because I could never fully dedicate myself and reach my potential as an artist.. in a way it has always reflected my incongruity, yet knowing who I am isn't enough. Despite that, I fear transition would leave me in a spot where I'm struggling to just survive. Anyways, I hope your transition leads you to a happier future Sarah T.

And Qrachel, to sum up my options would mean handling others, or dealing with myself. There's another quote by Nietzche saying the worst enemy you can meet is yourself and I can certainly relate to that. I do fear having to deal with all those who don't understand us, but there is no way of escaping what I could do when faced with  myself. To move on, I'll have to learn how to do that self-love thing because I couldn't manage both.

I've always been afraid of coming here, mainly because seeing how all these people were able to treat this horrible condition and how I felt powerless to do so myself was a gut wrenching feeling that could easily ruin my day. However funneling all my time into my passion wasn't enough and I soon fell into a total darkness, and so perhaps the only way out is to associate with people here and I can only hope my feelings of inferiority fade as I start to carve out some future for myself. Still haven't the courage to go to a group meeting though.     

I found the most difficult part of the transition was learning how to do it. Now you have joined, if you hit a road block, let us know. I may not know the answer but somebody most likely will. The remainder to the transition is hard work and building up the courage to take a number of first steps. It is easer to think of the transition as a number of small steps instead of a major obstacle to overcome. It is impossible to make the transition as one major step but by taking on a little at a time, pretty much anybody can do it. Do it at the rate you feel comfortable and don't use another persons time table. Some people have gone from a cold start to full time in a couple of months and others may take a year or more. What ever works for you.

Taking it in small steps, yeah..  I have no clue where to begin. I've always been an easygoing girl who couldn't put up with stress so well to begin with. Here, there's just a million different stressors that I must figure out how to overcome. I know they must be tackled individually, yet it's essential to be properly prepared for each for ahead of time, and in some semblance of an order.

A few weeks ago, I put some serious thought towards how to approach this, and it just led to a burnout of sorts where I was left bedridden for a few days, convinced that I was hopeless. Maybe doing a list would help.. I dunno, whatever it takes to stop my numerous concerns from manifesting into a steamroller.

Hi -

Try picking one little thing and take that little step - just that one.  Then, if the world didn't end (hint: it probably won't), then see if you couldn't do just one more.  Wash, rinse, repeat!

So great to see you sharing here.

Rachel

Here is a partial list, tackle them in the order you are comfortable with and take on as many as you want.
Therapy
HRT
Work on voice
Hair removal
Growing hair, wig
Learn makeup
Assemble wardrobe
Work on mannerism
Take day trips to become comfortable
Go full time.

The people here will give you help with most of the things on the list so pick something and start working on it. If I forgot a special need, add it to the list. Hair removal can take the longest so it's best to start early on it. Voice depends on your natural ability. Some people pick it up fast and others take longer. The reminder, do them as you feel comfortable dealing with them.

I've been doing my best not to transition, and failing miserably. I look at what others do and feel I''m doing it the hard way, so I can't really recommend it; best in some ways to just get it over with.

However I started on low dose HRT, and it made me feel so much better its hard to describe. The mental changes were immediate and the physical changes slow. It was confirmation that I was taking the right path, which helped a lot. And when I tried to stop (so many times), it made me even more sure of what I was doing.

You can go slow if you feel more comfortable that way, and take stops along the way. Just feel it out and see how it goes.

I've been doing this for years, still present male, and I'm only out to a very few people. Perhaps it could be better, but life's good.

Dealing with (aka fixing) yourself is the hardest thing to do. Probably why people generally find it far easier to fix other people's lives and problems then their own.

When I started down this path I'm on now when my life was totally in the crapper I realized two important things. First was "I know what Does Not Work". I spent about 50 years trying to do what was expected for a guy. It slowly rotted me away inside. The other was addressing the rot, the excess emotional baggage, all the negativity I had about myself which a lot stemmed from how I was NOT handling being trans.

I needed to find some way to bring these two great, seemingly disparate, aspects of myself together to live in peace inside one hopefully happier and healthier person. Transition was the absolute last thing on my To-Do list for pretty much all the reason you cited. Plus I had sort of tried it twice before in my 20's with disastrous results.  Without any sort of self acceptance of myself I saw no path forward in my life. Just more of being a lifeless soulless automaton. It took a lot of hard work, gallons of tears, and help from some angels there to pick me up before I fell. It is still something I need to work on. Yet I am lightyears ahead of where I was 6 years ago.