I have to apologize because this is just going to be a long ramble. I'm having my pre lab jitters.

I finally talked to my doctor about HRT. I have my appointment for lab work tomorrow and I am so nervous. I'm not nervous about the physical changes, minus my face. I was born with a cleft lip, so I have had extensive reconstructive surgery on my face. I wish I could post a picture, but I have yet to figure all that out. I have huge lips and an even bigger nose. My upper lip is, at least in my eyes, deformed. I have only liked my lip once in my life and that was when a friend of mine did my makeup years ago, when I was about 18 years old.

I'm going to be 43 in a few weeks, so I'm not really expecting too much from HRT. It doesn't really matter cause I am single and have been for 15 years. I don't really see that changing any time soon. I'm doing this for myself and my own peace of mind. But the mental changes are another thing that I'm kind of nervous about. I've read a lot of comments and watched a lot of videos from transwomen who have talked about some pretty extreme emotional changes. It's sort of odd because I'm somewhat already like they describe without HRT... so I'm hoping it doesn't magnify these emotions even more. I've never had a problem crying. I already love the feeling of being protected by a strong man (yeah, I know some might think that's wrong). And there are so many other things. Is this all going to be amplified even more?

I was kind of hoping that HRT would actually calm me and maybe "equalize" things. I just want to be at peace with myself. I've gone my whole life feeling out of place and I just can't deal with it anymore. One of the things I've been told by all my therapists is that I need to learn to love and nurture myself more. I've spent most of my adult life taking care of and nurturing others that I put myself on the back burner. I guess I'm also hoping this will be the beginning of me really doing something for myself and maybe finding that love for myself that I've been missing.

I'm not sure I should ramble anymore. Hopefully things will go well tomorrow and I'll be on HRT in the next few weeks. I'm hoping to start on my actual birthday which is December 10th. It would be nice to bring joy back to that day.

The blockers will make the biggest difference because the male hormones cause the uncomfortable feeling you have. Some of the discomfort can still remain. As for emotions, some of it's due the fact you allow yourself to feel them were before you were attempting to block everything you feel. I don't think the emotions will limit your ability to function but you will be able to feel things you never allowed yourself to feel before.

I just turned 64(happy birthday to me)  I used to have a terrible problem with anger all my life until HRT. These days I'm a mellow  little camper.