Quote from: KatelynBG on November 21, 2015, 05:10:11 PM
I'm afraid that the sadness will break me but know that inaction will also break me.

OK, I'm going to send some advice your way. I know you didn't ask for advice, so please ignore this if it isn't right for you or if you're not in a place where advice is helpful.

When I'm faced with the possibility of unendurable sadness, it helps me to pray for acceptance. I'm not sure about God, so I pray to my inner strength. It seems to work just as well.

"Please, give me the peace to accept that my parents are gone and I'll never see the again."
"Please give me the peace to accept that that my marriage is over and I don't know that I will find someone like that again."
"Please give me the peace to accept that two of my dearest friends are battling mental illness that makes their lives a frustrating struggle."

I find that when I pray for that sort of acceptance, it nearly always comes. The bad situations don't go away and neither does the sadness, but I don't feel the accompanying horror that I used to feel I needed to hide from.

I hope this helps. You are a special soul and deserve all the good things that life can give you.

Ok I will try that.

I did go for a very hard, very long run this morning and now I'm too exhausted to be depressed.

Quote from: KatelynBG on October 07, 2015, 08:38:27 AM
Having a dark day today. Frustration, and a feeling of being stuck are battling hopelessness to launch me into depression today. Not sure how to break free today...

-Katelyn

Hello
I am a SO, so I have no way to understand what you are going through. But I did wish to say, In my life I have had dark thoughts at times to (no longer) but it  helps to think of just one thing you enjoy... Flowers, running, cooking, anything that is special to you:)
I hope things with the marriage work out... Someone will accept you for who you truly are.


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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

Awesome feeling isn't it? I had a lot of cuts the first time I did it too. Next time don't push down so hard with the razor.

Congrats Katelyn. The downside to shaving my legs for the first time is that I knew I could never let them get hairy ever again.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

I would never let a razor blade get near my precious skin. It's purely electrics for me.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 22, 2015, 10:16:33 PM
Ok... so I just took a big step... I've been thinking about doing this for years and obsessed over it all weekend... I shaved my legs. It is amazing!!!!!

PS: I didn't clear it with the wife, but I'm not going to hide it but I'm not going around flaunting my legs these days.

PPS: Do the cuts ever stop bleeding?

You'll get better at it!  One recommendation, I read awhile back in a magazine, is use conditioner to shave with, not soap.  It moisturizes the skin while shaving, and it seems to work well.  Unfortunately for me, my hair grows relatively quickly, and with pale skin and dark hair it shows pretty easily, but I do it anyway because I love how smooth they feel, and how materials feel on my skin.

Yes I read the conditioner trick as well and used it last night. It worked like a charm!

Ok so..... geez it's amazing how fast my emotions flip these days. So my therapist has recently encouraged me to bring an outfit of female clothes with me to change into at our appointments. I only have one: http://imgur.com/a/CQtru and I wore it last week. Her office is in her house so I changed there. As I was leaving I asked if I could wear it again this week and she agreed and asked if I wanted to leave it at her house, which I readily agreed to do. So this week I showed up and changed, forgoing the tights. As I was walking into her therapy room she commented "Oh no tights this week" and I replied "Yup, for a specific reason too." She looked down and just goes, "Wowwwww!"

It was definitely a trip for me to be wearing a dress over my long smooth legs. I felt so vulnerable and yet comfortable at the same time. We had a really deep, heavy session that weaved from how to break my transition plans to my wife to how I see my post-transition sexuality to my first orgasm (which I brought up). I didn't want the session to end but eventually it had to. She has this long mirror sitting on the floor in the room that is waiting to be hung and as I stood up I caught a perfect reflection of my legs and the hem of my skirt. Ummm no bias, they were definitely lady legs!!! Like I've seen a lot of lady legs in my day and what I saw in the mirror were definitely lady legs. My therapist just giggled as I watched myself walk away looking over my shoulder.

Wow.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 23, 2015, 07:30:40 PM
I only have one: http://imgur.com/a/CQtru and I wore it last week.

Beautiful. I love your fashion sense.

I'm glad to hear that moving things along has picked up your spirits. 

I think it is really noble of you to seek consensus and think about your baby. Your baby should come first no matter what.

Some spouses are more understanding than others. But they cannot really understand what it feels to be in the wrong body. Some therapists can be counter productive in the sense that some people trust them blindly because they are therapists, however wrong they could be. 

I'd try to take baby steps. Watch some trans stuff together, that always helps, paint your nails with transparent nail polish, things that will soothe your dysphoria a bit, I agree w/ the hair removal idea. That's spot on.

Make her part of your changes, in a positive way. The more she gets into it, the more she will realise that we are not freaks, we are normal people with a great desire to live our lives without having to ask for permission.

That said, however, when one CHOOSES to be in a relationship, one should look after their partner. It's a 50/50. So, in my humble opinion, both should negotiate and reach a point where both feel comfortable.

Big hugs.

Quote from: suzifrommd on November 24, 2015, 05:49:21 AM
Beautiful. I love your fashion sense.

You're not the first person to see that outfit and say that.

Quote from: clarabrown on November 24, 2015, 09:41:04 AM
I think it is really noble of you to seek consensus and think about your baby. Your baby should come first no matter what.

Some spouses are more understanding than others. But they cannot really understand what it feels to be in the wrong body. Some therapists can be counter productive in the sense that some people trust them blindly because they are therapists, however wrong they could be. 

I'd try to take baby steps. Watch some trans stuff together, that always helps, paint your nails with transparent nail polish, things that will soothe your dysphoria a bit, I agree w/ the hair removal idea. That's spot on.

Make her part of your changes, in a positive way. The more she gets into it, the more she will realise that we are not freaks, we are normal people with a great desire to live our lives without having to ask for permission.

That said, however, when one CHOOSES to be in a relationship, one should look after their partner. It's a 50/50. So, in my humble opinion, both should negotiate and reach a point where both feel comfortable.

Big hugs.

There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 24, 2015, 10:52:15 AM
There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

I'm so sorry about this. As a SO I prefer to see him as a her as I think it helps both parties.



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Significant other
Heterosexual woman

It's great that you have experienced how things change rapidly, though in transitioning there's always an underlying theme and sense of purpose despite the rapidly changing circumstances.  Your personality is growing and being stretched too, a good thing for a 'young woman's' soul to experience.   

I also note that you are just beginning to set boundaries and limits for yourself.  While I wouldn't encourage you to incite stress and comfortableness in your relationship, you shouldn't have to bury everything at home either.  It's your home too.  My ex was strident about not wanting to see me in feme.  So we agreed after a difficult but somewhat civil conversation there were to be times when I could have the house to myself (she could stay if she wished but I would be in feme - she always had things she went off to do).  It wasn't perfect but we made it work because I needed to have feme time without having to leave my home all the time.

What I'm saying is, you have a right to freedom of expression at home as well as your spouse.  Be gentle and fair about it, but it is totally reasonable to expect you to have time exploring who you are.  And trust, that will take sometime.

Anyway, best of everything to you and yours,

Rachel

Quote from: KatelynBG on November 24, 2015, 10:52:15 AM
There's 2 things my wife has been clear and consistent about with regards to any of my trans things. 1st is she doesn't want to know about them and 2nd is she doesn't want to see them. It's not a position of compassion and I do resent her a bit for not allowing me to explore at all.

That certainly sounds familiar.  My wife is very similar.   I hope it gets better for you.

Paige

Just a another day of support for you. Keep on keeping on.

Rachel.   🌺🌺🌺

Thank you Rachel

It's no fun being in the grips of this depression. What the hell am I waiting around for?

Hi Katelyn,

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling depressed. It's a horrible feeling.

I've been away for a bit, so I was just catching up on your posts. You look great in the photos. It's great you can dress when seeing your therapist. Congrats on the shaving. I also have issues with cuts and regrowth is super itchy! But the smooth skin does feel so much better than the "fur" as I call it. (I seem to have so much of it....yuck!!)

Is your baby due soon?

Take care of yourself.

Jayne