Quote from: stephaniec on November 26, 2015, 01:51:50 AM
When I take a shower I love the top part , but move rapidly cleaning the bottom part, It can be quite annoying when you haven't got it corrected.

I know it's what's on the inside that counts, but vaginas are mostly on the inside [emoji12]
Guh, I just need to distract myself until next year when it happens.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Obfuskatie on November 26, 2015, 02:52:26 AM
I know it's what's on the inside that counts, but vaginas are mostly on the inside [emoji12]
Guh, I just need to distract myself until next year when it happens.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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it's quite annoying at times, I do my best with my imagination.

I suppose it's part of why I haven't transitioned.  My dysphoria has always been on the mild to moderate side.  Being quite type A about things, I don't feel I'd pass at a level that I personally would be happy with.

That's not counting the social and career issues on top.

I would say there is a real fear of that for me. It isn't the main obstacle I face by a long shot though. Transitioning is still much better than living with the "what if?" Therefore I push on!

I hope for those who do face an inability to transition due to this can overcome it really is worth it.

If I had to weigh my dysphoria against my fear of actually looking female, I'd have a variable answer. Most of the time, when I think about transitioning, my fear of not actually looking female is totally debilitating. It can get terrible. However, sometimes I can honestly say my dysphoria gets so bad that it's much worse than my fear of not passing. It goes back and forth.

I find that the fear of never passing to be real. So I focus on what I can do to make the most of what I have to work with. I continue to push for what I want... it's a daily struggle. I just can't let my insecurities run my life. In the end... for me it would be worse to look back and wonder, than to push into the unknown.

My feelings, or ideal, for sure morphed over time. I believe a product of both my level of growth, personal & physical.

I spent the early part of my life being a big fat mouth breathing stuttering target. (We all know how innocent and what angels kids can REALLY be). I had experimented twice with transitioning in my early 20's. Being able to pass was important. No way did I want to spend the rest of my life as a target. At 6 ft tall in a world full of 5'5" tall women no way I would NOT stand out and get attention. A lot of the wrong type. This all beat out the dysphoria by a long shot. The GD I had gotten pretty good at beating down. Just have to keep it up 

30 years later I got to my spiritual breaking point. I'm still (almost) 6ft tall and lot more wrinkled. My bar for 'passing' greatly lowered to the "Not having rocks (real or metaphysical) thrown at me". I do always try to present as unambiguously female as circumstances warrant, besides I like girlie-girl.  Plus a mega-boost of attitude. Attitude of how I thought of myself, the who and especially What I am. Gone was the a lot of the shame and guilt associated with GD.

TBH - I really don't think much about either the GD or Passing. Just reveling in finally being able to be a more genuine ME living in the real world. Feeling authentic

Interesting thought stephanie. My journey has been mostly introspective. That said, i love how i feel when i look at myself in the mirror now. Its like my brain finally seeing the body it was begging me to get fixed.

I think that my only concern at the time that i am writing this, is how things are going to be from now on in terms of financial independence. I thank God for this chance at rediscovering myself and id just like to live a happy quiet life from now on.


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I do have a certain amount of fear because I am starting somewhat later in life, but I know most of what I am seeing that is "wrong" can be fixed with makeup. I'm hopeful that some of the things about my skin will change once I'm on hormones and also with facial hair removal. Though I do hate my nose and lips, I'm not planning on doing any FFS. I don't have to transform into a super model or anything, I just want to feel comfortable in my skin for once in my life... so better late than never is my attitude. I've even come to the decision that I will end up going for SRS even if it takes me 10 more years before I can do it. I'll be 53 by then, but I know some who have done it later than that even. I'm sure there will be things I am still dysphoric about after all of this, but therapy can go a long way. I hate my cleft lip, even though most people claim they don't even notice it or the scar above my lip, but that has little to do with my gender dysphoria.

I'm sorry cause I ramble a lot

I'm a social person, so I wouldn't have transitioned if I lwasn't able to pass as female (pretty is a bonus), that's why I was on HRT for so long pre transition, and had FFS just before going full time.

I would have regardless. Dysphoria sucks much worse than blending in. I'm increasingly doing the latter also and for that i am super thankful this thanksgiving day.

Once my facial hair was dead and I was on HRT I was happy, though I didn't wait for either to happen before I went full time.  All I wanted was to be ME!

Perhaps one of the advantages of having started transitioning when too young to understand the enormity what one is taking on... These thoughts and fears are clearly important, but by the time I understood enough to begin thinking them I was already thankfully too far in to want to go back.

While I am ftm not mtf, my fear of not appearing male is a fear for me because as a transman it's a bit different. I just get written off as a lesbian or just a really casual woman because of my voice and femininity. They pretty much feed off of one another and it's driving me nuts.

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Well, at 6'5 I'll never pass and it's something my wife reminds me out of her self interests. Imo, the cognitive dissonance or "dysphoria" will over power fear in time. The  desire to be true runs too deep.


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yea, it's kind of like in Freudian terms, the ID and   Ego confronting the Super Ego. Freud is one of my favorite people. Jung's alright too.

Fear of not being able to pass is one of the things holding me back.  I don't care about being pretty - well, I do, but I would still be glad to pass as a non-attractive woman.  But being clocked for the rest of my life everywhere I went would kill me.

That's only one reason at the moment, mind you, and there are others.  My dysphoria is pretty strong because every time I look in the mirror I see a male face.  My body...well, it doesn't bother me as much except for lack of breasts.

A mortal combat between fear and need.