I'm really lost lately. I'm 41 yrs old, proud parent of 3, a 16 yr old boy, and 6 yr old & 3 yr old girls. Married near 20 years.
My wife has known of my feminine side from the beginning, and how it "comes and goes" at times. She's humored me with tolerating me shaving my legs, and pits, but gets annoyed when it extends to my chest. She's tolerated me in panties over boxers. She won't tolerate bras, tells me that I don't need them, and that all women find them horrible, so why would I want to wear one?
In the past year or so, my feminine urges have gotten stronger, I guess for lack of a better term. I've branched out into some jewelry and wearing a bra and breast forms when I'm on my own.
The problem is that my wife won't accept a full transition, and I'm not sure my 16 yr old would either. He's apparently noticed things, and has asked my wife if I'm gay, so...
The problem becomes that my wife tells me I pretty much need to decide being a woman, or living my current life. I cannot abide the thought of losing my children. However, I know she wants me to be more "her man" as she puts it. She says sometimes she can handle some of it, and some things she can't, and sometimes the things she can handle she can't, and attributes it to hormones. Over the years I've gone back and forth, and repressed my feminine urges due to her uncomfortableness with it. Lately however, I have been less desiring of repressing it.
She says that my acting out (painting toe nails, wearing feminine jewelry) is noticeable and selfish and inconsiderate, because people see, and talk, and could make comments to, or in front of, the children and make them upset.
I end up torn, feeling like I can either make everyone else happy, or myself happy, but not both. If I were to lose the kids, I don't know how happy I could ever be, even if I was more comfortable in my own skin.
I told my wife I'd go get my hormones checked in case the dysphoria was caused by hormones. I spoke with my doctor regarding the gender identity issue. She however forgot the hormone test request on the form, so after I took my blood test, they have requested I get a second one. My wife has said why bother, she doesn't believe I want to be more masculine, even if I could be, and has also said she is concerned about the cost factor so thinks it's a waste of time.
When I suggested therapy, she had issue with the cost and time factor, but then has other times asked why I haven't contacted the therapist if I feel that strongly about it.
I know this isn't easy for her, and I know part of her is upset (rightfully so) over me hiding things (like admitting to myself and her I am trans... I tried to deny it for years, even when she'd accuse me of it, I'd deny to her and myself). Or hiding eye shadow in my purse because I know she wouldn't approve.
We've fought twice this past week over it, and I wish I could figure out myself, and how to be happy. It seems it would be easiest to repress the girl inside, to continue with the status quo, but try as I might, she always finds her way back.
How in the world do you find a balance and a happy place? I've not been able to for long.
Sorry for the rambling thought process. I'm kind of all over the place in the past week or so. The more I accept my trans-ness, the harder it gets. Going through a serious bout of self-loathing this past week...