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Katelyn:
Allow me to share my notes based upon reading your posts and the replies of others here at Susan's.
Congratulations on your newborn.
Now to the harsh realities.
If you took your marriage vows of 'for better or for worse', then transitioning will bring about your 'for better', NOT your 'for worse'. Hopefully your wife will see that as her emotions settle.
In other words, as Suzi posted in her second point, you will become a better parent, a better spouse, a better person the sooner you proceed with your transition. Delay will cause you to accumulate resentment against your wife, your child, and any others in your circle of family and friends.
You posted that your wife wants to 'save the marriage'? How? By pressuring you to live a lie and not live as your self. How does a lie 'save' your marriage? By 'abusing' you? By 'blaming' you? By 'bringing up a lot of cr*p'? By speaking in 'code'? Sorry to say, to me that sounds more to be her evading the issues, not dealing with them. Your wife's anniversary card seems such a cruel insult. Your wife doesn't want to 'know' you or 'see' you and 'not allowing me to explore at all'? How is she being helpfull? That's not equality in your marriage, that demanding a monopoly against your fair share. You do NOT need her permission to transition.
Suzi is also accurate about 'war'. My parents' separation and divorce was World War infinity that never ended even after my father died and my mother, re-married and divorced again, continued dredging up old issues. Examining your legal position is in your future.
Sadly, the non-transitioning spouse more often is the one who abandons the marriage. In the 'old days' before marriage equality, the laws obligated the marriage to be dissolved. Nowadays that reason for dissolution no longer exists; it peels back what truly lies in the motives for the spouse who departs the marriage and family which could very well destroy an otherwise happy marriage and happy family.
I am reading that you are the one who wants to remain married while your wife wants to take the baby and leave you in the dust.
Dena is so accurate. If your wife disapproves now, then she is likely to disapprove of you all along your future. She wants you to 'wait'? 'Need to wait'? Why?
What better time to act than now, not later. You can build a wall around yourself with excuses leading to delay or you can act now. We all have excuses; I had mine and delay was what made my regrets, delay disrupted my capacity to do my transition better and then I felt worse for that delay and disruption. I dug deep, found my confidence, and acted with self-assurance; that all allowed me to make progress with my transition.
'A few more months' quickly becomes a few more years. As Joanne posted - soon you will have gone from today to next year, to five years later, to ten years later; there will be no end to delay as long as you keep delaying.
Venus made comments aimed at keeping you moving forward: electrolysis and hormones. Both take time. Your endo could certainly put you on anti-androgens, spironolactone, finasteride, then graduate you to estrogen and progesterone as part of the standard M-F 'cocktail'.
Kristina is fair enough but she suggests delay. You can still progress; you can still be you - female - wearing jeans and a sweatshirt.
You wrote your concern about your brother doing an Internet search and finding clues of your prospective transition. If you are already 'estranged', then you have nothing left to lose; he has already left you. Sadly, many family members will abandon you in your time of need. I have no remedy for that other than to remind you that many of us lose family and friends. I lost all family and all 'friends' though family had my entire lifetime to prepare for my transition; everyone knew I would transition from the time I was a child. I already lost them long before I began my stealth changes at age 18 and made my open changes by age 21. I reconciled those losses to my satisfaction and moved forward; they could either choose to join me or choose to leave me.
If, as you post, your family 'knew already', then what's the point hiding from them and delaying your transition? This sounds exactly what happened to me at work. I thought I was hiding it for for five years during my transition and instead they either 'knew' because my employer violated my privacy or they 'knew' because the signs were there for all to see - including my 'male fail'. My regret was failing to act - failing to move on my own. Once I acted, once I took charge of my transition, I felt so relieved, so my 'self', so confident that my head was far more clearer because I no longer had to worry about my effort to delay and cover-up. I could move on with my life.
'Someone else has been running my life ...' means there will eventually come the time when you must run your life, NOT 'someone else'. Your decision is when you will 'run your life'. Now? Or delay? I'd catch h*ll from my therapists and counsellors answering with 'delay' Delay were my regrets because it interrupted me from doing things better.
The future is only 'scary' until you confront it and leave what scares you behind in a pile of dust where it belongs. 'What's the point'? The 'point' is you taking your own action. Repeating 'I don't know' what you want for your future does not cut it when you need to be honest even if others around you are not. You already know what to tell your wife, so tell her.
LadySmith's conclusion says it well: be yourself. Yeh, family and 'friends' will abandon you - that's because those who abandon you do not want to know the real 'you' but a fake 'you' whom they fabricated in their own mind and not accept in reality.
You, dear Katelyn, are never alone when you are here at Susan's. I'm a new member of this thread, fairly new to this site, and I can be here for you with the others who have been with you since your first posts. Maybe I have not 'been there. done that' to everything on your plate, but I have enough to fully empathise with you. I care for you as I care for others here. You have shown your ability to think things through, now go 'full steam ahead' and make your decisions.
You have a sense of humour to carry you forward when you posted about a shaving cut on your leg. Soon, on ERT and your transition 'cocktail', you will no longer need to shave your legs; your A-A will stop your hair from growing. There are alternatives to shaving: waxing, laser, electrolysis, epilators. All are far less 'cutting' shall we say and provide longer-lasting results.
I saw your picture. As the graphic appeared, I noticed your hands and fingers - very feminine. And your body is hot. You are there. I once had that same sleek body of a long-distance runner and cyclist, too (10 miles per day), until age and life knocked me for a loop.
Whew!
Take care - Enjoy! - HUUGGSS - Repeat
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