Today I decided to do the girl mode thing for a while it is the first time with long hair. I saw someone that is between a woman and a man I just don't get the whole I am the girl in the mirror thing the man staring back at me normally does not feel alien he was greeting me for so many years.I don't have a problem particularly with being male bodied I can bear it.I just got this irretating dysphoria that I should have been a woman I desire woman things a womans body and being in a relationship as a woman.I got angry at the woman that I saw for putting me through this hell of being transgender and just want her to leave me alone that I can be normal. I don't know how I am going to get the courage to wonder out of the door like this. How am I going to introduce Amoray to my family. I was fighting with the woman in the mirror actually telling her that she is taking my childs father away. That she killed my wifes husband. I hate being transgender even though I cant help it. I know ones I stop my hormone treatment the noise is going to change return again. I don't know maybe I am just scared of living as a woman. maybe I was scared at seeing my true self looking back at me for the first time.

My therapist is also trying to push me along and say the
fastest way for me of getting over the los of my marriage is to start living as Amoray.

The avatar is actually a pic from how I looked I did not go bonkers with makeup. I don't know if I look like a man pretending to be a woman or do I actually pass.

how long did it take you to accept the woman in the mirror or see a woman in the mirror?

I just want to put in that you look like a woman.

I would say that you look good in your picture.

I have been in your shoes and it's very hard to achieve a balance where you are happy and accepting. I found that over time, I became more female and eventually I accepted myself. For ages I used to ask myself, "Why me? Why now?" but those thoughts have gone.

Going out for the first time is I think one of the most frightening aspects of transitioning. I found it best if I went with someone but even then it was scary. I always made sure I had a safe place to retreat to so I could calm down when the fear factor became overwhelming. Over time and I mean months here, I eventually found the courage to go out all dressed up on occasion.

Now, years later, I cannot imagine living as the man I used to be. I am much calmer than I was, I no longer have the stress of having 2 separate entities fighting inside my head for control of my body. I am a woman now.

When I look in the mirror without my wig on, I wonder who that person is in the mirror, it doesn't seem to be me. When I get dressed, even with just my wig on, I feel natural again and I see the person in the mirror as the person I always was inside.

Sure, the road ahead is a tough one, there's no doubt about it. I won't say it's been wonderful, but it was the only road I could follow and still  survive. I lost some friends but I made some new ones along the way.

Inside, you are still the same person you always were. You might like a certain football team or hobby. I am not interested in joining any sewing circles just because I transitioned. I still like tinkering with my classic and antique cars and I still like doing the things I used to do, I just wear different clothes that's all. Someone said that they were like a gift. Same thing inside the box, just different wrapping on the outside. I have to agree with that philosophy.

Sure you're scared and frightened, I was too, but eventually I was able to overcome 90% of my fears. I'm still scared at times but I can manage the fear.

If you like, dressing at home will perhaps help you adjust a little. I found that helped me adjust to who I was but it's your decision. Continue with your therapist and move at your own speed.

I hope that at some time in the future, you will find the road you will take and you'll feel at peace with yourself. Just because you feel this way does not mean you will transition because not every one does nor do they have to.

I hope that what I have written will be of some help to you and I really do wish you all the best for the future. I'm sure that if you need to talk, that there are people here who know just what you feel and are going through and will listen.

Love,
Clare

I have never had negative feelings towards her.
Seeing her in the mirror has always given me hope and joy, I have always wanted to work hard to give her a chance to have her own life and be happy and free.
Realizing what it means to be her is full of surprises, some pleasant, some less so. My dealing with it is still influenced by my memory of the feelings of love and admiration I had when I could see her emerge.

I only started being able to see her in the mirror after I had accepted the possibility of being trans, which was five or six years ago. Before that, I had the same dysphoria, but I always saw a man dreaming about having a female body.

Wow, lucky you!  The girl in the mirror looks pretty passable and feminine.

I have always known that the male me was a construct, since the times when I was 20-21 years old when I created him to replace the confused, genderless being that I had been before that.  I grew up in the 1970's not knowing that transitioning was even a "thing," wanting to be a girl, thinking it was impossible, stuck in an undersized, nominally male body and trying to make the best of a very bad situation.

I saw a woman in the mirror the first time I fully dressed and put on a wig.  The weather was still warm, and I was wearing Hollister shorts and an Aeropostale camisole top over a VS push up bra, and the girl in the mirror looked pretty darn cute, if you ask me.

I wanted very much to see more of her and I wish I could be her all the time, but I am not out at work yet, and I have only been out in public dressed but without the wig or makeup.  Ah, well, one small step at a time.

Your pic looks like an average walking around young woman to me.

It sounds like you're battling the GD from a different perspective then I ever had. I've been cross-dressing since I was 10 or so and very deep in the closet. No matter how horrible I know I had to of looked in real life, I was able to look past all that and see the dream, the fantasy. I guess the feeling good on the inside part helped a lot there.

Today, I still live and present primarily as male. Seven years ago I took the trans beast on for real. Worked hard at improving my self, therapy, mostly for all the baggage from not handling being trans for decades, plus HRT. Today I live in a body I like. Certainly not ideal, but far far better inside and outside even. I enjoy being me.

Today, as in many days these past few years, when I look in the mirror I see Joanne looking back, whether she has long flowing hair or mostly bald scalp. I actually enjoy mirrors now. The only time I don't is when "The sad old man" makes an appearance to pile on the heap of the crap going on in my life. That is when I know for sure I am slipping back into that "thing" I used to be on the inside

Thank you to all the comments

Today I just feel like giving up I know transition is best for me but I just feel like I want to kill her of and try to be normal. I feel awkward and weird in female mode these days it is as if the normal excitement that came with being able to dress up died of and I don't mind and is not bothered by being in mens clothing.

it is almost 3pm and I am still sitting in the clothes that I slept in a Ferrari shirt and boxers I also skipped my hrt I feel like I want to put all my girl clothes in a garbage bag and give it to the closest person walking in the street. I am having second thoughts about transitioning 4 months in,6 months ago this is the thing that I wanted most in the world. But it is not living up to what I expected it to be it is rather the opposite. My dreams that my wife promised me we would have are shattered after she turned around we are not going to be a gorgeous trans couple anymore. It turned to divorce. My dream as being loved for who I really thought I am is only a fiction movie.

The fear of being without friends is scary I don't have any friends now in the new city we are staying and the people that used to be my friends where the husbands or boyfriends of some of her friends. We are still staying under the same roof that increases my fear of being myself as my mind is still in defence mode that if I don't do girl she would give me a chance. I can't be myself out of fear that there may be a chance somewhere to get my sweet love back and screwing it up like so many times before.

I desperately need a time machine 

I even went and bought a wig this week and some more clothes and I can see a girl in the mirror but being her is scary!
I am actually staring at the heap of clothes shoes and so,on the floor that I want to send Amoray to oblivion with but some part of me is asking me. Can my therapist be right is Amoray the only way out of this hole is the male me just a construct that I created in everybody's else's vision. The amount of depression that dysphoria caused me is phenomenal.

I don't know what to do I just feel like giving up and try to live a normal life or as normal life as I can but I know she will always be there to shoot me down. I don't know why I keep seeing her as a bad guy.

It is too strong.

I know the power of dysphoria if that is what you meant. The noise becomes unbearable if I go of hrt it is like antidepressants you don't think you need them when you are on them. Ones you leave them you are back in the same old boat.

I am scared that the same thing is happening to me again. I came thus far four months into transition and now I just want to turn around and run away. I am scared that if I stop that I will manage for years and break down when I am older. It is never too late to transition but then I wasted years of not living as my true gender and might regret it then.

I twice experimented with transitioning in my early twenties. Each time stopping between being too scared, wanting just to be 'Normal', not wanting to be alone. A target. etc. You know the drill. The bottom line is I was ill prepared for the journey. I was an emotional wreck. If I did forge ahead I'd likely be dead today.

It was some 25 years later I took the tran-beast on for real. My biggest regret is over the wrecking ball I was to many lives, including my own over how I was NOT handling being trans.

I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.

You can decide to transition now, while you are not 100% sure, and you may forever regret having given up the life you had before.

If you wait until you are 100% sure, you may wait forever.

Or you can do what I did, that is deny and delay and wrestle with the dysphoria until you can not take it any more, until you realize that you will become more and more depressed and unhappy with every passing year.
When I made my final decision in 2013 to go all the way, I could not know whether it would make me happy, whether it would work out. But I DID know that I would never find peace with myself staying in the male role, in my male body.
By the time I was ready like that, I was well over forty years old. I do not regret my decision. I regret that it took me so long.

Quote from: Amoré on December 06, 2015, 01:09:21 PM
I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.

This really resonates with me... one thing I have come to realize is that it never goes away. This is probably the hardest emotional hurdle you will ever face in your life. I really empathize with you.

The only 3 bits of wisdom I can give you is you only have one life so be sure to live it for yourself, you must love yourself otherwise you'll never be fully happy, and there are people in the world who will love you no matter what path in life you take.

Quote from: Amoré on December 06, 2015, 01:09:21 PM
I also contemplated on transitioning when I was around 18 but did not go through with it because of my family and I met my wife at that stage. 9 years later the whole thing is back and I am scared if I don't transition I will just relaps and go through it all again.

If that is your picture, finish and someone somewhere is gonna appreciate you.

Emotionally things can really suck. Like divorce, crap for child visitation, loss of family and friends,  etc....
Going through that crap right now. At least the job is TG friendly. They are talking about installing a unisex bathroom with restricted access.

Think about how you can feel when you are not being who you really are.   Life has a way of bringing us around in a circle and we wind up where we started out.

  Sometimes the things we feared happening end up happening no matter how we live our lives.   What kind of friends will you really have if they can't accept you as you are? 

  As a transsexual grandma, I know who I am.   I know also to some people in my family I will always be a guy in a dress. 

As a professional people pleaser, I have learned that the world is full of people living life their way and some of them even want me to live my life their way,  but I have the same right to live my life my way.   There is kind of a balance.   

If you live as a self-centered jerk, then it will be hard to find anybody to really be your friend and if you have friends it will because they need to have a jerk in their lives.    But if you learn to love yourself and try and be the best person you can be you will find truer friends. 

I waited 53 years to be comfortable owning my own female clothing and loosing my fears to be my old granny self to ditch any of my clothes and I cannot live the butch lifestyle again. 

But if a girl needs to live butch she should live butch.    As a young lady, you need to discover what lifestyle you wish to live.  Find one lifestyle that is you and be happy.   

If you identify yourself as a female, then you, it's you and you have nowhere to run,  but you need to decide how butch or how feminine you wish to live as.   

  As for what others will think,  that you can never change and dime to a dollar some people will only see the woman in you and some will only see the man.  You can't satisfy either, only yourself.   Do you want your next partner to accept you for being you,  then you have to be you up front right away.   

The other thing to consider is that no matter what kind of a relationship you have with other people it will redefine itself over and over as the years pass.   Little stays the same and much of our past can disappear in the mist of time unless you live in a community that changes little over time, but even that is hard to find, because the people you are close to get old and die or move away from your neighborhood and soon you may find yourself being just one of the old timers left around muttering about the fact that the world you live in is a stranger to you.

  I have moved so much and the Gods have taken a broom and swept up so much of my life that there is no place to go back to and the future is short, so the only time I have is now.    So this old grandma is just left with the now.

  In time,  being happy with the now of life maybe all you have.   You are a beautiful young lady, enjoy life, and be kind to yourself.   Remember that Mother Nature and life are also shaping your self image and physical appearance and someday you to will just be a little old lady, like the rest of us senior citizens.

Quote from: ChasingAlice on December 06, 2015, 11:23:47 PM
If that is your picture, finish and someone somewhere is gonna appreciate you.

That is actually my picture It breaks me to get divorced for just being trans.She gave me chances to try and proof myself but I was not emotionally ready how do you ask someone that is broken and on their weakest to prove themselves. It is like asking someone that just broke their leg and is recovering to run a marathon. It is inhuman to expect that. The same with the last couple of months for me I am still recovering from the trauma of what my family did to me and how they hurt me. I have clinical depression also which adds to the fire.

If you hadn't said you were born male i'd have a hard time telling from your picture

Quote from: Chloëjade on December 07, 2015, 01:38:41 AM
If you hadn't said you were born male i'd have a hard time telling from your picture

Really! That is actually awesome in a way! I tend to see the man still this is four months hormones not to brag

Amoray, your therapist is right that the quickest way to get over your marriage is to jump into living as your authentic self. How do you get over what you see in the mirror is a bit more difficult. It took me months of hormones to get over what I saw in the mirror until features, hair and the like started took right and natural. Being able to live be my authentic self and not have issues in public was the other huge portion of my accepting the girl in the mirror even though sometimes what I saw didn't always live up to the marine that I had in my mind. The softening of the features by hormones can do wonders there. You look very petty in the pic by the way. I couldn't imagine living any other way than my authentic self and I would do so again in a heartbeat. Hang in there, it does get better. Hugs
Mariah

Thank you Mariah, I just dressed up as myself and I plan on going out into public like this. What is making me mad she is taking me for granted that I want to transition but she still wants to leave me I told her to leave me alone and let me be happy then. She want to live her life and do what she wants but is shooting me down for being trans and making the choice to live as my authentic self. I am forced into getting divorced but still she wants to control my choices also.