I just want to say that I absolutely hate being me. Everybody keeps telling me that I should be myself and there is nothing wrong with being trans. Well it feels wrong inside me. I hate Jayne being in my head. I want to kill her off and send her to oblivion.

I feel completely and utterly inadequate as a man and having this Jayne persona in my head is not helping one little bit. I just want to be a normal guy and live a normal life.

I'm causing my wife to hurt because I am having this massive identity crisis and now she feel insecure where we stand. I love her with every bit of me and it is killing me that I am doing this to her. She is very supportive of me and tells me to be myself. She even took me shopping for a dress last week.

But what if I don't want to be Jayne. What if I just want to be John? How do I make that happen?

Sorry for my rant. I'm not in a good place. I just want give Hayne an eviction notice and send her packing. There is only room for one woman in my life and that is my wife. Jayne needs to take a hike!!!

J

Well I'd advise to avoid rollercoasters...

you might give both a place and space in your life...
see what makes you feel happy...
some changes to hair and clothing style maybe...
growing hair out, maybe wearing it in a ponytail...

sometimes transgender people are very sensitive, kind of reading other peoples expectations...
knowing helps, you might try to find a balance between your needs, and others...

you might talk about it...

and you might look or a good gender therapist...
there are even online therapists...


hugs

I would see a gender therapist. No one can say for sure if you are trans but you. That being said it sounds like you are and if that is the case there is no getting rid of it. You will be trans for life. I would have to find the study again but about ten years ago I read a study about a group of transwoman in the 1950's who all saw a therapist in hopes of becoming straight men. They agreed come back every so many years after there therapy was over. By the time the 1970's came to a close every one of them was living as a woman, some in public others only in the privacy of their own homes.

What ever you are trans or straight you are you. Try to accept you and not tell yourself you have to be someone you are not. I wish I could tell you this path was easy but it isn't. You still have to be true to yourself though. Best of luck and I wish you well. 

Thank you for the replies. I am seeing a gender therapist. She is very good. I've had 7 or 8 sessions so far and I'm seeing her again this afternoon.

My problem is that all the signs are pointing to me being trans and I don't like it. I don't like it at all! I so desperately want it to go away, but it just hangs around eating away at me like a cancer!

I was actually dressed up at home this morning and it kind of felt good. It felt right. But then those feelings started to get replaced with a feeling of inadequacy as a man and somehow inferior as a human being. I hope me saying that doesn't offend anybody. It is by no means any reflection on anybody other than myself. Maybe it comes from growing up being taught that a man should be a "real man" and a woman a "lady". I don't believe that crap, but it is somehow built into me from childhood.

J

Sometimes it just plain sucks...You don't want to cause anyone any hurt you just want to be you. I get not wanting to be trans...I knew with a fair amount of certainty that when I put myself away in 2003/4 that was not the end of it and I was hoping I could hold out long enough.

I couldn't and I know you hate Jayne right now but she is part of you and makes you the person you are now...not entirely but to a certain extent. Without her would have all the qualities you have now?

Your wife is great but you obviously feel as though you have placed some kind of burden on her...

" I love her with every bit of me and it is killing me that I am doing this to her"

Have you asked her what you are doing to her? Is this her or you? I took on all this crazy crap about my wife only to find she was way less fazed about it than she had been and I had been ignoring the clues..."couldn't see the wood for the trees"  situation. Is your perception of her distress worse than it is?

Brings to mind a quote from a book

"Wish in one hand and crap in the other...see which one fills up first" Stephen King The Gunslinger (clean version)

I used to wish I wasn't trans for a long time and once I reached for and took hold of "I am what I am" and actually believed it that wish began to fade. I am not out there shouting to the world but I am happier than I have been for years.

Hope some of that helps you feel a little better...have a hug just in case it doesn't 

Sarah T

Hi Sarah. Thank. What you wrote does make me feel little better. It is certainly possible that I might be making out in my mind worse than it actually is as far as how my wife feels. I just feel like I've taken the wind out of her sails. She seems a little withdrawn and some of the light I used to see in her eyes has dimmed a little. It just be her going through her own process of accepting any potential changes. I fear I may have done something terrible that I cannot undo.

We have both starting seeing a therapist together who specialises in situations such as this. We have our second appointment tomorrow.

I love my wife more than I know how to describe, and I know she loves me. I don't want to lose that wonderful person so full of life and sense of adventure to someone living in a closet which I built!

When you say that sometimes it just plain sucks......that is an understatement of epic proportions.

Thank you for your support

J (I just don't know if I'm Jayne or John, so I'll just go with J for now)

Here is a link to resources which could help accept:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

one is a link to a letter from an accepting dad... he talks a lot about restraints people might have...

and another one is a brochure from the NHS, for trans people and their families...


hugs

J,

I fully understand where you are coming from. I've had my ups and downs, and still do, when it comes to me being trans. I feel sometimes feel like I've "tricked" my wife, which she has told me that I haven't. I often think about what will happen when I tell my parents (still haven't set a date for that, but its coming soon, I know that much) and I often think of the hardships I'll face once I transition. I find myself, on certain days, absolutely hating the fact that I am trans. I often wish that it would go away and I could just be happy with myself. But the truth is, we are who we are.

It can be difficult coming to terms with who you are, I think most of us on here can probably tell you that. I've told my therapist that I sometimes have days where I just think that this is all wrong and not something I should be doing, but that I also have significantly more days where I know this is what I need to do to be who I truly am and to have a chance at truly being happy in life. She has told me that this is normal and she would be worried if I decided that I wanted to transition and then never questioned that decision. So what you are feeling is normal. It doesn't mean to stop and it doesn't mean to keep going, it simply means that you need to work on finding yourself. If at the end you find that you truly are trans, that's great, and if you find that you are not actually trans, that is great too. Whatever you decided, whatever you discover about yourself, at least you know who you truly are.

I am glad to hear that you are seeing a therapist and have someone you can talk too. I am not a psychologist by any means, but I feel like you need help figuring it all out, and that is completely okay. Realizing you are trans or even suspecting that you might be is a big thing and it helps to have someone who is qualified that you can talk to. I started this journey about a year ago and just a few months ago finally started seeing my therapist and I should have done that much sooner. I still have days where I just cry and cry and cry and wish it would go away, but its who I am. I've spent 29 years living a lie and accepting and embarrassing who I really am has taken a bit of a toll on me, and it sounds like this is what you are going through.

No matter what, though, remember that you are not alone. There are always places like this website and many others that you can go to for help and support, no matter what you are feeling.

First kudos to you for loving your wife so much, that you are willing to sacrifice your well being for hers. Sacrificial love is beautiful whether it is misplaced or exactly where it should be. That is an awesome and terrifying thing about love it transcends our self and so much of the world teaches us to be ourselves first and foremost.

Awesome you are seeing therapy and she is too. You may be underestimating her or reading too much into how she has faced the change. Just as importantly you could be robbing her of a chance to love sacrificially and grow. People with GD are healthiest when they are treating it and it just so happens the main way to treat this is to do what you are doing, thinking of doing, etc.. Long term it could likely be the best thing for you and her.

I know my change and realization has hurt my spouse at times, and shaken her foundation to a degree, so i try extra hard to communicate, to make sure she knows that i will never abandon her, never stop encouraging her or putting her interests and good, high in our relationship and family. Ultimately she has to decide for herself if that is working. I know that as a whole person and a person that is better mentally i can do this. Before i struggled.

There are no "real men" and ladies. Those are concepts foisted upon us by a culture that wants an ordered  control over people. There are only people trying trying to make their way through the world together.

Wow! Thank you for such awesome replies. They really made me feel better.

Yesterday, for the second time in 2 weeks my wife and I went shopping. Normally, we both despise shopping and get irritated and annoyed with it very quickly. Yesterday we had an early morning appointment with the therapist together and then we made our way to the shops. We got there before they even opened and stayed until closing time. 10 hours!!!! We had a great time. It was amazing! My wife bought some things. I bought some guy clothes, which was fine and we both looked at girl clothes for me. Didn't really find anything suitable, but it was fun looking. My wife suggested we try shopping online. Does anyone know of any good online shops in Australia?

J (I now feel like both John and Jayne may fit, so I'll still use J)

I forgot to mention...

I still don't like the dysphoria or being trans or any of the crap going on in my head. At some point yesterday during our marathon shopping day, I decided that it is not something I can control. It is a brain condition I was born with. So trying to constantly fight it is not helping anyone, so I may as well just accept it, and try and do enough to keep the discomfort to a minimum. I'm hoping that crossdressing at home from time to time will be sufficient. Time will tell. Thank you all again for you support.

J

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 02:26:46 PM
... I decided that it is not something I can control. It is a brain condition I was born with.

Tell me about it!

Right now, I'm watching my brain take me down the trans roller coaster, one where I can't see more than a few feet ahead of me.  It's not at all what I would have chosen, but I've learned that I can enjoy the ride, or I can fight it and end up in exactly the same place but a lot more stressed out.

It's a little like Tourette syndrome -- you can control it to some extent in the short run, but in the long run, you can't (except by killing yourself.)  If you can explain it to your wife like that, it may make it easier to understand.

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 02:26:46 PM
I'm hoping that crossdressing at home from time to time will be sufficient.

It will be until it isn't.

Thanks Asche. Just learning to accept myself seems to make a big difference. There is a difference between just saying I accept myself and truly accepting myself. I think I'm now somewhere between the two working towards truly accepting.

Logically it makes sense in my head that truly accepting is a better way, but actually getting to that point is a bit slower.

J

Quote from: Asche on December 04, 2015, 02:56:27 PM
It will until it doesn't.

I would like to amend this a little bit. I would phrase it as "It will UNLESS it doesn't anymore". There is a good chance that simply dressing up in your free time, around the house, will be what you need and you may not need to take it any further. I don't know you so I will not make any assumptions, but I will say that many people end up staying in the stage of dressing up from time to time and do not feel like they need to take it any further. Some people will tell you that "crossdressing always leads to transitioning" and that is simply not true. There are many people out there who can get what they need just by dressing up around the house and occasionally going out to local bars that are known to be trans/crossdresser friendly, though even then you should look into the place before going there. More often than not it will be a gay bar (which is perfectly fine, not meaning that to sound derogatory or judgmental in any way at all) but never assume that just because its a gay bar that it is trans/CD friendly, and even the ones that are sometimes prefer you to come in dressed up only on certain nights (when they have a drag show, for instance). So just make sure you know it will be a safe place before you go.I haven't been there in a while, but I go to a local gay bar from time to time because they frequently have drag shows and on those nights I can go there presenting myself as a woman and be surrounded by other people who are either transgender or cross dressers. Its an amazing experience to be able to go out in public dressed up as the gender you identify with. For some, this is enough. They can dress up around the house and be able to go out on occasion and then the rest of their time they are fine being the gender they were physically born as.

Asche, though, is correct. For a lot of people, this ends up not being enough. However, I would say don't worry about that right now. If its something you are struggling with, take the approach of moderation/baby steps. Dress up around the house, in your free time and if you feel comfortable, find a local bar or other establishment where you can go occasionally while dressed up. If anything, it will help you become more comfortable with who you are and will give you time to really decide if you need to take it further or not. And, of course, if you find that this is enough, great, if you find you need to take it further, that's great too. As said before, its all about finding yourself and being comfortable with who you are, no matter where you fall on the very wide spectrum.

Good luck honey! And also I am glad to hear you are feeling better about it. If you need any more help, need to rant or just need to remember that you are not alone and there are others out there that understand what you are going through, keep this site in mind. I think its safe to say we are all here to help in anyway we can.

Loves.
Emma

Thanks Emma. My wife and I don't go to bars and clubs. We are pretty quiet and generally keep to ourselves, which works for us. Baby steps is the way to go for us, remembering that my wife is also going through an adjustment phase. I'm reasonably confident that the occasional crossdressing would be enough, but only time will tell.

This website has been a fantastic support for me.

J

Not saying this is you, but my resistance to accepting that I was trans was internalised transphobia. Even after spending two years on HRT and attempting to transition I then spent twenty years denying that I was trans because I hated the thought of what that might ultimately mean. That stemmed from the idea that it was OK for other "freaky" people to be trans ("if that's what they felt they really really wanted") but it clearly wasn't me and it absolutely wasn't for me I just had to not think about it. Meanwhile I just got more and more depressed...!

As soon as I dropped that transphobic broken record it was full steam ahead with transition and I haven't regretted it one iota.

Hi Grace, what you say may well be true for me. It's ok for others to be trans if they are happy that way, but not for me because I'm not happy that way. Those kind of thoughts have often entered my head. I firmly believe everybody has a right to be the way they want to be and if they don't want to be a particular way but have no choice, they still have a right to be. I hope that came out right.

It's funny you mention the internalised transphobia. The therapist my wife and I saw together last week for the first time suggested that I may need to get over a possible internalised transphobia in order to accept myself.

My gut feeling is that there probably is a little internal transphobia (why is it happening to me kind of thing), but also I really am just unsure. If I felt really girlie and feminine I would probably accept it easier. I seem to identify more in the middle of the spectrum (tomboy) and kind of swing to either side of middle. Sometimes boy mode is fine other times girl mode is what I need (as in girl body). That confuses me a lot and makes self acceptance more difficult.

J

Hi Jayne:)
I'm following this post, and hope things become clear in time:)


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Heterosexual woman

Hi jamiej, thanks. Small steps, but I think it's all in the right direction.

Jayne

Quote from: Jayne01 on December 04, 2015, 06:30:25 PM
It's funny you mention the internalised transphobia. The therapist my wife and I saw together last week for the first time suggested that I may need to get over a possible internalised transphobia in order to accept myself.

My gut feeling is that there probably is a little internal transphobia (why is it happening to me kind of thing), but also I really am just unsure. If I felt really girlie and feminine I would probably accept it easier. I seem to identify more in the middle of the spectrum (tomboy) and kind of swing to either side of middle.

Turns out I had a massive load of internalised transphobia and never realised it - as soon as I let it go I felt so much better about myself.

I totally get the "I'm not girly, more tomboy" thing. That was my reasoning too. Turns out that once I was able to fully explore and inhabit my gender identity I was a fair bit more femme than I realised. Sure I like wearing jeans and (mostly) sensible shoes but I have been able express myself as the woman I am, and sometimes that means a very girly dress!! What a relief.

Being in our assigned gender role means were always evaluating our wants and needs about our gender identity through that prism and it can be very distorted. It isn't until you feel free and safe enough to work through your identified gender and persona that you really get a sense of just how much of a "tom boy", or not, you really are.