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The worry that I have and what to do if it happens

Started by Christy76, December 04, 2015, 07:24:19 PM

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Christy76

I happened to run into someone from work at the store. Luckily I wasn't "dressed" at that moment but it was a close call. Since then I've been worried about the possibility of running into people from work while dressed as female. Has this happened to people on this board? What do you do if it does happen?
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Ms Grace

It's bound to happen if you frequents areas similarly used by colleagues/friends/family/acquaintances... neighbours are another one to add to the list and even more likely to be bumped into. And it is going to be varying degrees of awkward and potentially awful.

If your not ready to be out to those people you'll have to make sure to go to places where they are less likely to be, or further afield (I've heard of some going to the next town over). It's no guarantee of course. I'd also suggest that you make Christy look a bit different from the person they might recognise... a good wig that's a different colour, style and length might help. Make up and a clothing style that changes your outline will also throw them off the trail.

After I came out I was at a work function and went up to some people I knew from outside the organisation..., most of them didn't even recognise me!
Grace
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Transition 1.0 (Julie): HRT 1989-91
Self-denial: 1991-2013
Transition 2.0 (Grace): HRT June 24 2013
Full-time: March 24, 2014 :D
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JoanneB

I lived and worked in rural West Virginia. I worked for the the largest employer in the region, some 1500-1700 heads. In my building I routinely been around the 300 heads or so there. Odds were pretty good that between the 2-3 grocery stores, the mall, or Walmart I'd be bound to run into someone, and had in male mode.

In male mode I'm hard to miss. The tall bald guy, usually smiling. In female mode, perhaps equally hard to miss. being tall, nicely dressed. I don't recall having spotted anyone, certainly none of my daily cell mates. If I was I never got wind of it it. Fortunately(?) the changeover from male to female is dramatic in my case. One of my TG support group angels had the "deer in the headlights" look on her before her jaw dropped the first time she saw me in male mode.
.          (Pile Driver)  
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                    ^
(ROCK) ---> ME <--- (HARD PLACE)
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LivingTheDream

I just remembered that this happened to me!

I think it happened around 8-9 months ago or so. I was basically just starting to go out to a very select few places once in awhile. I was only on hrt a short time and was only out to a couple of people. I was terrified about that happening before I was ready, so much so that I would walk out of my apartment in very little makeup, guy stuff on the outside, girl stuff underneath or in a garbage bag so that I would not be seen. I would stare out my window making sure nobody was around forever too before I would head out. When I thought it was all clear, I would hurry up to get to my car, and then I would take off the guy stuff when I was safely inside..

Anyways, my boss was one of the few I had already came out to (known her for years, relaxed work environment). One day out of the blue I got a text from her. It said that she overheard one of my co-workers (one I barely knew) asking other coworkers that I did know better, about me. She was asking if "male name" dressed in drag.......I was like, aww, ****!! Later that day I decided to confront the matter instead of ignoring it, cut it off at the head, ya know? Figured if I didn't, who knows, she may just keep going around asking, putting it out there to everyone and I really didn't want that.

I found her on facebook and sent her a private message, asking bout it. She admitted that she was asking bout it so I came out to her about it. Told her that I don't really considered it dressing in drag cuz I was in the process of transitioning m to f. Told her some more bout it cuz she was curious and that was it, she promised not to tell anyone about it.

I took it one step further, I asked a few of the others that I heard she was talking to it about and came out to them too. That was it really, didn't turn out to be a big deal; they were all cool about it (there are a few other trans people that we all know so they were somewhat familiar with it).

Oh, I did ask her how she found out too. If I remember correctly, I believe she said that her friend (I think an ex-coworker who I can't even remember..) was walking somewhere and saw me driving one day in drag...She asked her about it and then she asked around too.. I still dunno how her friend was able to tell tho...It was winter, I wasn't wearing that much makeup, tinted windows too.  I really only had on a girls jacket, some lipstick, foundation and my normal hair, most likely down, but pretty plain, it was still pretty short for a girl too so, idk.

It worked out good in the end for me, they all know bout me now, treated the same, all that good stuff. But ya, just be really careful if you're not ready for others to find out cuz it can happen pretty easily.
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Dayta

I only recently started to wear sports bras under my t-shirts and polo shirts during the weekends, just kind of getting used to it, plus it does make me feel a little more feminine, although I present as mostly male.  My wife and I were at one of our favorite breakfast haunts and saw a server that usually takes care of us.  She came over to hug us, so I just held out my hand, not wanting her to feel my bra.  Well, she just laughed and wrapped her arms around me so I hugged her too.  I know she could feel it on me, but neither of us said anything.  The whole world didn't blow up or anything, so maybe it's just not that big a deal after all.  Funny how it seems easier with people that you don't know. 




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Dena

It happened to me twice. I was laid off from my job after telling my boss and my boss's boss about my future plans. Rather than go through this all over again, I went full time and found a new job. I knew my boss at the new job was hiring and I walked around the wall from my work area and who should be sitting there waiting for an interview? My former boss. I exchanged a few words and I am not sure what was going through his head because I never saw him again.

The other time on the same job, the newly hired receptions said she had left her glasses at home and her husband was going to drop by and give them to her. I did't think anything else about it until her husband showed up and it was my boss's boss. Again, exchanged a word or two and that was the last I heard about it.

After that, I stopped worrying about people from my past showing up. If it happens, it happens and don't worry about it.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
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Sharon Anne McC


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I can certainly re-tell many circumstances when I met people who knew me 'before' and did not respond when we met during my 'after'.  Allow me to post these occurrences.

   -  I resided at Utah (1980 - 1985).  I was active in the pro-ERA movement.  Our groups frequently held rallies near Temple Square.  The LDS security knew those of us in leadership; we all met to plan our groups' civil activities together with LDS security.  I was still presenting as male part-time to them.  Along came the LDS Christmas Pageant of 1984.  I arrived as Sharon and who at that entry that evening was our dear friend with the famous lapel pin.  He gave his perfunctory greeting, I spoke a few words in reply and realised he did not recognise me so I spoke with him for another minute or two; he did not flinch.  We previously met during our October 1984 rally; we saw each other for our April rally and he made no connection to me from Christmas.

   -  I drove a moving truck from Utah to Arizona (June 1984).  I made a stop in Northern Arizona where I previously resided (1978 - 1980).  I ate lunch at the diner downstairs from my apartment where is resided those two years; no one recognised me in 1985.  I filled the gasoline tank at the filling station near where I previously resided and knew the operator during those two prior years.  He did not recognise me as Sharon that afternoon.  Sure, I could have gone somewhere else to eat and to buy gasoline to be sure I did not get recognised and face a backlash, but I did not do that because I had to test my appearance and presence.  Maybe to them I held a curious familiarity but they likely had no expectation to see my male predecessor return as female.

   -  Chavy and I worked together at a federal agency - she was a Summer intern appointee, I was a permanent employee.  We worked together most every day for more than three months.  That was 1980.  Advance to 1986.  I took a temp assignment.  My supervisor was leading me on the rounds to meet all my new co-workers.  One employee would be arriving mid-morning, Chavy.  My heart raced and nearly stopt, I don't know which or both or whatever.  Chavy arrived and we got to work - our desks were side-by-side.  For the two months I served at that location, not once did Chavy say anything to me or to our employer.  I always wonder if she suspected something but was too puzzled to ask.  Chavy and I also participated in a food co-operative for several years; not once did she give any hint that she recognised me whom she once knew as a male.

   -  I intermittently house-sat for a friend and neighbour couple during the course of about four years (1974 - 1978).  The married couple had two horses and two Great Danes to care for during their absence; Slim, my little Lhasa Apaso, loved the horses and the BIG dogs.  Their son, Duane was attending college out of town; we never met.  Along came another temp assignment (1986); one of the managers introduced me to Duane, who was to be my supervisor.  Again I barely knew whether to have a heart attack or scream.  Surely he recognised me, or maybe not.  He and my former friend Clint were next door neighbours, surely Clint told Duane about me through gossip during the intervening year.  Good fortune on this assignment - Duane and I only met three more times during the few months I served this assignment and he did not let on he knew me or suspected me - if he did.

   -  I am a non-practising Catholic.  One of the last times I attended Mass was perhaps Christmas 1998 or 1999.  I arrived and deliberately chose the pew directly behind Jeanne, my Catholic school class-mate friend of seven grade school years (1963 - 1970).  We made our greetings during the moment of peace.  I looked her in the eye and greeted her by name; she did not reply with my old male predecessor name.  Did she have any thoughts of recognising me?  I spoke with her briefly after Mass and again she had no apparent clue who I was.  Of course, the years had been long and far away; people can forget many names.

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LivingTheDream:

Your final paragraph says the warning quite clearly.

The federal government agency where I worked (1978 - 1985) initiated action to fire me on the charge of being a F-M transsexual.  Fast forward to 2008 when the state agency where I worked began the process of firing me as 'mentally unfit' because I am a M-F transsexual.

I was not 'out' to either of those employers.  They violated my privacy when Social Security's discrepancy list effectively outed me.  The first time because I was still employed as male though I changed my SSA file to Sharon and female.  That second time is a mystery; SSA refused to explain why they suddenly flipt my file in 2007 back to my male predecessor identification after 30 years as Sharon and female.  I went to SSA this past Friday to do a year-end check-up on my SSA file.  This SSA agent, a supervisor, was quite bemused at all this year's flipping.  He showed his computer screen to me recording all this year's changes filling the entire screen - all without explanation; we both laughed at the absurdity.  Of course, I wrote an entire blog to my web-site of SSA flipping my file this year.

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Dayta:

I totally agree with your final statement:  '... it seems easier with people that you don't know'.

I made a point at another Susan's thread about people to whom I revealed myself.  I did some Internet browsing over time and found a few curious posts from people in my past who quite soundly rejected me in my past yet now post comments defending transsexual / transgender issues.  Where were they when I presented to them?  Have they actually changed or are they posting nonsense from the safety of presumed anonymity?  Is it because knowing a transsexual (me) complicated their thought, yet they can address it easier if the person is not known to them?  Perhaps that emotional attachment does make acceptance difficult?

I also have experienced a friendship at a distance with people at various chat boards.  They objected to me, posted rude comments, and refused to learn about the issues at first, many months ago at the beginning of the year.  Now they accept me and post respectfully.

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1956:  Birth (AMAB)
1974-1985:  Transition (core transition:  1977-1985)
1977:  Enrolled in Stanford University Medical Center's 'Gender Dysphoria Program'
1978:  First transition medical appointment
1978:  Corresponded with Janus Information Facility (Galveston)
1978:  Changed my SSA file to Sharon / female
1979:  First psychological evaluation - passed
1979:  Began ERT (Norinyl, DES, Premarin, estradiol, progesterone)
1980:  Arizona affirmed me legally as Sharon / female
1980:  MVD changed my licence to Sharon / female
1980:  First bank account as Sharon / female
1982:  Inter-sex exploratory:  diagnosed Inter-sex (genetically female)
1983:  Inter-sex corrective surgery
1984:  Full-blown 'male fail' phase
1985:  Transition complete to female full-time forever
2015:  Awakening from self-imposed deep stealth and isolation
2015 - 2016:  Chettawut Clinic - patient companion and revision
Today:  Happy!
Future:  I wanna return to Bangkok with other Thai experience friends

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stephaniec

I've run into people and just gave up worrying , your caught , your caught.
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