Hi.  I'm a cis woman and my partner is trans (MTF but hasn't transitioned, or told people, and still calls himself 'he').  We have two kids, a baby and 3 year old.  I don't really mind that he's trans, but the problem is that he obviously has severe issues because of it and is really angry all the time and seems to hate me.  I try to be supportive but he's always moody or mad at me and can be really horrible to me.  He says it's all my fault as I'm "crazy" for being upset because of him yelling at me.  I can't take it anymore and can't be with him, but it's so hard to face being alone and having to look after the kids on my own.  I'm not sure if I'll cope and don't have anyone to talk to.  I don't think anything will get better with my partner, he'll just always be like this and it's affecting me so much and ruining my life.  He also yells at me in front of the kids.   I don't know what to do.  I'm so so sad.

Also I have lots to go through in my life, I have a serious illness that will probably leave me disabled in a few years.  I'm so sad and grieving my partner and he doesn't care about me at all.  He's so so selfish, it's all about him, like it's not hard for me at all?   I have been supportive but it has chipped away at my self esteem and happiness leaving me completely devastated.  I think I'll die if I stay with him

First, have a *hug*.

Here are a few resources that might help understand:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,195129.msg1740788.html#msg1740788
This is a letter from an accepting dad.
Some people have the same restraints, like he talks about: was it caused it by an upbringing...etc...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194946.msg1736596.html#msg1736596
There are brochures by reputable sources, for example the british NHS, showing being trans has biological connections.
Its explained with pictures. A brochure says explicitly for trans people, their families and health care staff.
If its biological its nobodys fault... and its not likely to be a phase...

Some people make a comparison with a twin... they will be like their male/female twin, with the same sense of humour...

they might see a good gender therapist...
the gender therapist to help them along, maybe with easy reversible steps first, to help them find out how they make them feel...
so that they have someone to guide them and help them along, and no rash but appropriate steps are made.... appropriate also in their favour, so that it moves along...
they might ask at plannedparenthood of a lgbt place for counseling...
or look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,162888.msg1400316.html#msg1400316

The same for you.
You might look for a therapist to help you along.

And you might stop yelling, sitting down and talking, what you feel...

You also might invite your partner to visit this site and ask questions, there is a section for crossdressers where a lot of married people share their stories...


hugs

Thank you. 

I know it is not a phase.  He is definitely trans and definitely a woman.  I accept that though it does make me a bit sad cos I miss the "man" I fell in love with, and I worry that he won't be the same, and I feel like I am attracted to men so don't know if we have any chance of working out.  Even so I try to tell him (or her, but he goes by him still) that I know he's a woman and try to reaffirm that.  Of course sometimes I get upset too and that's not fair on him.

I know he is going through a hard time, and needs my support, but it is just getting to be too much for me and I know it'll always be stressful and I don't want a life like that.  And it must be affecting my children too. 

I know he needs therapy but he's not doing anything about it and that'll take a while to help and I can't stand another day of being with him and him telling me how awful I am in his eyes.  He says he loves me but he treats me like his slave and like I'm worthless.

I don't know if I should make him leave cos I'm worried about me and the kids' well-being.  Or if I should let him stay as a friend for now because I'm worried about him and care about him a lot and love him, and don't want him to hurt himself.  He could go to his parents' house, they know about it but are pretty confused and don't accept it yet.  I feel so bad for him but I can't stand it anymore either.

I tried to make things work and said I'm willing to try a lesbian relationship and he can transition and I'll try to stay with him.  But now I just can't stand the fighting and have to put the kids first.  I'm very sad about it, but that's normal when a relationship breaks up and people get better in time right? 

Imo its more than your partner can handle alone.
They should look for a good gender therapist.
In the link above is a list. There are even online therapists.

They might come here too, and ask questions.
They are not the only ones, alone that might be a big relief.

Imo it does not make sense to hide any longer.
Its possible they feel some kind of guilt, and have problems with complete acceptance.
A therapist can help here very much.

Well concerning the two of you...
you might stop yelling, and looking for a solution...
as said, maybe therapy for your partner...
so you have a feeling things get back to more normal tracks...


hugs

You may want to find a therapist to talk to for yourself. Having someone who understands your side can help you talk to your partner and perhaps be a good example of why they should see someone for themselves. Meanwhile, you would have someone you can share with and can help you cope with all the changes, (or not) that life can go through.

Thanks, yes he definitely does need to talk to a therapist so I'll try to make sure that he does.  I know he can't handle it alone and I'm trying to help him but I don't know if I can handle that either.  Maybe I need to get away and save myself...

We talk about it a lot.  Though he doesn't like talking about things as much as I do.  And I don't yell at him, he yells at me.  Which is really bad for me and why I can't take it anymore.  

I feel a bit better just now than I did earlier.  He went out and I have no idea where he is and he won't reply to my messages but I can't do anything about that.  I'm going to try to help him, but as a friend and not a partner, because I need some distance.

I know he's going through a hard time, but so am I, and I feel like I'm in more danger right now and have to save myself.  Anyway, thanks, I'll try to help him arrange going to therapy and try to be a good friend to him.

If I stay with him then I definitely need therapy, lol, or couples counselling.  But I think we both need distance.  I'm devastated since I love him so much but I'll be ok I guess.  I'll try to get him to come on here too.  And meanwhile I'll read through other posts to try to get more clarity in my head about what I should do.  Talking about it helps...

Talking usually does help. Sometimes you have to make sure you are OK first, then you can help others. Me time has value. You would likely be better able to support him if you were in a better place emotionally and a therapist can help you with that, whether or not you separate.

Hey KAT, it sounds like you are going through a really tough time. You defiantly need to look after yourself and your kids first and foremost. No matter what any partner is going through it is no excuse to be emotionally or verbally abusive.

My SO is also transitioning (I'm a cis woman) in the closet and I have noticed peaks in their anger and frustration levels that totally catch me off guard. It can be hard to support someone who you feel like might "attack" you at any moment.

It might help to write some thoughts/feelings down. You can even share them with you SO if you feel like it, it is pretty hard for someone to shout at a letter.


Hugs Tyrar