so i tried coming out to my wife..and counselling hasnt gone so well either.

we get home, and she flips out on me and says to me 'next time this comes up..im leaving you and the kids, and you can deal with it all'

she loves me, but doesnt love anything about me transitioning. its a no way for her. so im shattered. i did thanksgiving and wondered what it would be like without her or the kids(if i left).

i sadly dont see a way for her and i to stay together. she is a bully around what she needs and is stronger standing up for her needs versus mine. AND im sheepish because its mu fault that i created this mess. we have a kid too.  family. i have a career job ive had for 15 years as a male. and i want to flip bits and be female now.

what makes this worse is i cant get this out of my head. i see a makeup commercial and i want to wear it. i see a show with women in it and i think that could be me. i watch a tv show with a woman interacting and i think wow what would it be like to be her.....i watch a movie and i think god... i wish i didnt have facial hair. AND my wife leaves her makeup on the bathroom counter and i will quickly put on the liostick, blush, eyeliner then rush to take it off in the shower . i try her shoes and clothes on too when she isnt around just to feed the need, my game characters are female as it makes me feel better playing as a woman.

i wish i could try being a woman outwardly or just turn this off..it is very OCD

so...now i write this..thinking ..do i just pack a suit case in January, garb my laptop fromwork and go... or what?  and if i did do that my and her family would crucify me.. im sure.

alao i know i wont go.. im to scared, and I love her and our child.

sorry for the rambling.

The worst thing for you to do is leave. You would be playing into your wife's demands. If you stay, it will put the decision into your wife's hands and she might not be ready to enter the working world or all the demands life without you there to support her. Should she leave you, you would still have the house an the kid which would be far better than if you walked out on her. The decision is in your wife's hands so leave it there for now.

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 29, 2015, 02:19:59 PM
we get home, and she flips out on me and says to me 'next time this comes up..im leaving you and the kids, and you can deal with it all'

Wait...what?  This is not what women usually say.  They say, "I'm taking the kids and I'm leaving you!"

Forgive me for playing amateur psychologist, but this a huge anomaly to me. Kids are usually a huge bargaining chip that women play in divorce.  I know this from personal experience.  To me this says. "I am overwhelmed and unhappy, and I want out!"

Obviously I don't know you or your wife personally, but this is so odd I have to raise the possibility that this blow-up is not necessarily about you being transgender or desiring transition.

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 29, 2015, 02:19:59 PM
she loves me, but doesnt love anything about me transitioning. its a no way for her. so im shattered. i did thanksgiving and wondered what it would be like without her or the kids(if i left).

Why do you have to leave?  Mickey, I have been separated from my wife and family for almost three years now. I pay the mortgage on our family home, as well as maintaining my own residence nearby.  The expense leaves me broke, but I get to keep the kids nearby, and participate in their lives, and it is worth every cent to me.  If my wife said. "I'm leaving you and the kids", half my problems would be solved. 
 

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 29, 2015, 02:19:59 PM
i sadly dont see a way for her and i to stay together. she is a bully around what she needs and is stronger standing up for her needs versus mine. AND im sheepish because its mu fault that i created this mess. we have a kid too.  family. i have a career job ive had for 15 years as a male. and i want to flip bits and be female now.

I totally get it.  I have a good federal job, and I don't want to lose it.  And I want my kids.  And I want to "flip bits" and be female full-time. Hopefully I will find a way.  But getting back to you, it's not "your fault".  You didn't ask to be transgender any more than people ask to have cancer. Those are the cards you were dealt. I'm sure you married your wife because you loved her, and wanted a life with her, and any feelings you had wanting to be a woman you suppressed with all your might, and told yourself to "get straight" and "live right".  I know I did. 

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 29, 2015, 02:19:59 PM
what makes this worse is i cant get this out of my head. i see a makeup commercial and i want to wear it. i see a show with women in it and i think that could be me. i watch a tv show with a woman interacting and i think wow what would it be like to be her.....i watch a movie and i think god... i wish i didnt have facial hair. AND my wife leaves her makeup on the bathroom counter and i will quickly put on the lipstick, blush, eyeliner then rush to take it off in the shower . i try her shoes and clothes on too when she isnt around just to feed the need, my game characters are female as it makes me feel better playing as a woman.

i wish i could try being a woman outwardly or just turn this off..it is very OCD

You're not alone, Mickey.  I have thought all those thoughts you just described. The endless, relentless need to be female. It does not go away - on its own.  You need to take steps to deal with it, or at least try.  This is for your survival.  You are not a bad husband, or a bad father. You are a person in pain.  Help yourself!  Continue seeing a therapist on your own, if your wife doesn't want to go.

Quote from: mickey.megan on November 29, 2015, 02:19:59 PM
so...now i write this..thinking ..do i just pack a suit case in January, garb my laptop fromwork and go... or what?  and if i did do that my and her family would crucify me.. im sure.

alao i know i wont go.. im to scared, and I love her and our child.

sorry for the rambling.

Don't be sorry.  You deserve love and support.  And don't panic.  If you are overwhelmed, then stop and think of little steps.  Having a plan, even a small one, helps.  Even treading water keeps you from drowning.

With kindness,

Terri

Hi Mickey,

There are still a few things here that don't add up to me.  Your wife says she loves you but "she believes that she can just drop the relationship and go if this doesn't resolve. She does NOT want this subject to come up anymore AT ALL and she has told me she can't take it."

Well, honey, that's not love.  "My way or the highway" is not love.  Giving ultimatums is not love.  I have a transgender friend who went through transition with her wife about ten years ago, and it was, according to her, extremely hard for both of them. They have three children together.  Her wife told me, "I loved James (her dead name), and I still love that person. That person is still there."  Ultimately they worked it out and they are still together, and they are a beautiful couple, going on 30 years of marriage. That's love.

The other thing that I just can't get is a woman walking away from her children.  I have never met a woman who wouldn't die for her children, who doesn't put the welfare of her kids at the absolute top of her priorities.  It's how I feel, supposedly raised as "a guy", and it's just alien to me that there are women who don't think that way.

So, again, playing amateur psychologist, it seems like there is something in the room besides your transition.  Why is it she won't even TALK to you about this, an issue that is ripping your soul apart?  What if you had a gambling addiction, or drug habit, or cheated on her?  Would she talk about that, try to fix things? Or is it, "I'm outta here"?

If your wife won't help your marriage, it's not a good thing.  Go see your therapist and at least try to help yourself and your kids.

With kindness,

Terri   

You said the magic word - bully. I believe she doesn't want this to come up because she doesn't want to deal with it. She thinks she can bully you and not have to deal with it. Now is the time to decide if you are going to get better or stay in the same state you are in. The next time she threatens you, say there is the door, it opens and you may exit. Do you need any help packing? Unless she has a mother she can run to I suspect she will stay. It's hard but you will have to become assertive if you want to get better and for once do what you need instead of what she wants. It may come down to your marriage or your transition but let that be her decision and not yours.

My wifes clothes and makeup are off limits apparently but she came to grips with me owning my own stuff.

Im the last person to usually offer advice but last night my wife and i had a break through, it started with me making fun of myself it added humour to it then we had a very sensual conversation where she laid it all out on the table whats on and off limits.

At times i felt it was going sideways but in the end we both went to bed happier than we had in years!

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I know I always go against the grain on this particular subject . I've never been married nor have any kids , so I have no credentials in this kind of situation. The only thing that I want to say and that I've always said it this situation is the blame doesn't go on your wife what so ever. There is no blame here for either of you . She has a right to live according to her belief system as you have the exact same right. It's quite messy when kids are involve , but you won't prove anything by using the blame card. Please understand I have no  experience in this area nor have I had any relationships in the past 30 years. It's just my own personal opinion  that blame should be totally left off the table.

My wife thought i was homosexual as well lol, its a common misconception that just because we need to change our bodies to feel comfortable and confident in them that we also need to change our sexual preferences to match the opposite gender.

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How about some basics?

Are you seeing a gender therapist, or any about the GD?

Have you a local support TG group to go to?

Have you started working on all your other ancillary baggage that piled up over time by the way you dealt with the GD?

When you are operating alone, in a vacuum, in such a toxic environment, you'd be more likely to make decisions based on emotion not reason. Oft times not to your best benefit. This where a therapist and a support group is important. You have a ton of stuff you're dealing with with your wife and family situation on top of the trans stuff bubbling up to the surface with your defenses down.

There is a lot of very important things you can do, for yourself, to help manage the GD. It all revolves around you working on yourself, as a person. A person that wants to feel alive, to feel joy. Look inward rather then outward.

You need to find/make  a balance in your current situation. You cannot change your wife. At best you may be able to influence her feelings. That is not going to happen by talking to her. She has to do it all herself. One way may be to by improving yourself

Totally sorry this is going on for you. Like others have said. Do not be isolated. Do not be bullied. Be kind, gentle and loving in the face of her unreasonableness. We don't get to choose spouses with no baggage, no future change and no issues, they don't exist. She needs to understand this. Love is a commitment of support, not just when things are going your way but always.

Love is about negotiation and wanting the greatest good for the other person. Do not leave and continue to seek counsel with her or without. Oh and that "self-realization" movie she loves so much? It's Hollywood make believe. She deserves the life she wants but she has to understand her commitments and responsibility as a parent and a spouse. Shrugging off either of those would be immature at best.

Quote from: mickey.megan on December 06, 2015, 05:33:25 PM
thats the challenge we went to a gender therapist who said i couldnt be transgender because im bald and because everyone has male and female in them.

Time for a new therapist I think - that person sounds like a clueless idiot.

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 06, 2015, 05:52:12 PM
Time for a new therapist I think - that person sounds like a clueless idiot.

Or picked by the wife?

Yeah Ive mostly seen the wife say they are leaving and taking the kids. The wanting to leave the kids and having you "deal with it all" seems like an escape she might be looking for. I really hope that maybe it was just a sock and that she has settled down. I really wish you all the luck

If you are out in the boonies, ie: away from a major metro area, gender therapists are rare. Therapist that have a clue about TG, or better yet, don't need "educating" are even rarer. This is where a local TG support group comes in handy. They know who has a clue.

When the excrement hit the air handler for me several years ago my "Local" group was 90 miles away. Next best bet was another hour drive. Same for a therapist that at least had trans clients though knew far less then me. TBH - 90% of why I was there had nothing directly to do with GD. Pretty much the same today with a for real Gender Therapist.

My insurance, Horizon BCBS, does not have a hit on many Gender Therapists near me. A reverse search of sorts knowing of a group whose mission statement is to serve the LGBT community came back with the founder. Of course not the therapist I was seeing there.

THE greatest benefit from my therapist has been the "Sanity Check" of sorts. My wife, supportive to a point, is far from the hostile point yours is. Yet, she is far from thrilled over the T-Bomb being dropped as any spouse would be. Between her, and a lot of other factors in my life, some reality is nice when all you yourself can see is doom and gloom. The last thing you need is a fool "Helping" you, or worse someone whose interest is in stopping you from trying to Understand yourself better and telling you to just suck it up. Life sucks, and then you die