Just get ready, this one's a little lengthy.
I just had my second therapist appointment yesterday and we talked about how I'm basically pretending to be someone I'm not for the majority of the time. My only safe places right now are my car and my room. I'm not really comfortable being Morgan around my mom, mainly because she's
very uncomfortable about it. So, when I walk out of my room and into the rest of the house, I have to put this "Tim" mask on.
I just pretend that I'm this construct, this robot I'd created to run things while the real me was locked away tight. It actually hurts me. Sometimes I have trouble taking "Tim" off, probably because it's a comfort zone for me; a very
uncomfortable comfort zone.
This came up because I just worked four days back to back with my mom having me do things when I wasn't at work. I was basically this me that wasn't me for four/five days with the exception of sleeping and the twelve minute drive to work and back. By the time I got to my appointment, my therapist noticed I was even worse off than our first meeting. I've been doing this so much, I'm wondering if I should just try to fast track my transition. Just jump in and go for it, not be all hesitant like I am right now and simply not look back.
My therapist told me that, when I'm ready, she can write me a referral for an endocrinologist. I almost said I was, but I'm not sure if I am. Being Tim, no matter how uncomfortable it is, is at least a repetitive and predictable experience. Being Morgan is completely new and unknown. I'm a little scared because of it. A part of me wants to get this body fixed ASAP, but another just wants to take things slow, despite the discomfort.
If that's not enough, my mom has been trying to push me to come out to my dad. She wanted me to do it on his birthday, probably because she hates him and wants to get a rise out of him. I made dinner plans for Tuesday and don't know if I'm going to tell him or not. At least I'm sure he'd be more accepting than Mom, that is, if he cares at all.
From her other patients, my therapist said that I'd be able to easily stealth around work for at least the first couple months. By then I'd have to start binding my chest if I still wanted to keep it hidden. I don't plan on staying in this area that long. I've talked with my mom and she's no longer comfortable with me moving with her. This wasn't said directly, but she heavily implied it. I feel like she's trying to alienate me.
I do have one friend who would be happy to get a place with me, but he needs to get his driver's license first (
). Then there's my other friend who's been really quiet lately and not just to me. I don't know what's happening with him, and I hate that I have more than enough problems of my own to just go and help him. At one point, he was really pressuring to move in together, but those plans were cut when our potential third roommate was fired (they claimed he stole from the company, but his mother had been using his discount card without his consent...)
Anyway, my vent is pretty much done. On a side note, I've been noticing my friend who came out as a cross-dresser has been a little different lately. I don't think he was completely honest when he'd told me he still identified as male, because last night when we were chatting on PSN, he addressed himself as lady, girl, etc a few times, and more than what a brain fart would cover for. I may just be overthinking it. He could have been dressing while we were chatting, but it just got me thinking. I didn't call him on it, and he made no attempts to correct himself. I don't know, but it's been on my mind all day, almost more than this whole mask thing.
Okay, now I'm done. I think I'm gonna go sit in my car for a few minutes and hug Cheesy. Or I'll just bring the cat.
