TessaLee you might take a look at the thread, "Praying the trans away," that I started a few days ago. Same thing, different flavor!
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Hi

Well I dont know I see my road is going to lead to where I have to walk away for the sake of both of us. She told me this morning I said I choose my family but my actions showed different my actions show that I wanted to be a woman. I know at that stage I did not have my dysphoria under wraps.

What tends to happen with me is dysphoria is like a lion camouflaged and waiting to pounce. Once I am under major stress or presure it attacks and presures more on what is already going on. Like when my business went bankrupt. It happened in the past where I just have to take a couple of days of to get everything under wraps.


This year was non stop so I had non stop dysphoria I could not end it. I am only able to get it under wraps now but only sort of I uncovered so much of myself. I am definitely transgender and I know I am a woman but I don't mind living as a man when I manage it. It is a dangerous thing to do I know.

The hardest thing I have to do is turn around and walk away from my marriage. It feels like the biggest worst thing that I ever had to do in my life. My wife has got good attributes that I love things that I can't look past I know she is hurt.

If I could choose obviously I would be a woman. But my family is more important to me than being my true self.

Amore, I agree that Family is more important. But if you are on an airplane with your family and the plane suddenly depressurizes, and the masks fall, what are you supposed to do? You are to put your oxygen mask on first, and then take care of your family. I am always trying to take care of others first, and now I find myself more often than not - passed out on the floor. And for some reason, HRT is my oxygen. I do not believe I have a choice in the matter anymore.
I spent my first night away from my family by choice last night. It was very difficult, but I had a young couple take me in like a lost puppy dog, and I feel cared for.
I talked to my wife last night, and asked her if she could handle me just taking spiro, and I would see if I could manage without the estrogen. She said "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I thought that was a huge concession on my part. I don't understand the reply.

I am so glad you had shelter. I could not imagined what you are going through.

Quote from: TessaLee on December 21, 2015, 11:05:31 AM
Amore, I agree that Family is more important. But if you are on an airplane with your family and the plane suddenly depressurizes, and the masks fall, what are you supposed to do? You are to put your oxygen mask on first, and then take care of your family. I am always trying to take care of others first, and now I find myself more often than not - passed out on the floor. And for some reason, HRT is my oxygen. I do not believe I have a choice in the matter anymore.
I spent my first night away from my family by choice last night. It was very difficult, but I had a young couple take me in like a lost puppy dog, and I feel cared for.
I talked to my wife last night, and asked her if she could handle me just taking spiro, and I would see if I could manage without the estrogen. She said "you can't have your cake and eat it too". I thought that was a huge concession on my part. I don't understand the reply.

I am also taking care of my family and others first and then of myself. I also can understand that we must survive this world but at the expense of other things that I love. I can go back and forward on this subject forever and I won't get to a conclusion. My wife is at this stage showing me and the whole family that she does not want me anymore. It hurts like hell. But I am not the turn around and walk away type.

I am unfortunately one of those people that will fight to my last breath. But I fear this time I am going to have to call it also and walk away. I am trying hard to walk away. It is going to be very hard.

Amore,

I like your attitude. Any suggestions about how I can "fight" for my family?
I have a 4 year old and a 11 year old that are missing me.

Tessa Lee, I hope Amoray or someone else can give you good advice about your kids (maybe you can start your own thread asking for support and advice?)

I want to say it makes me sooo upset that your family is treating you this way. Coming from a fairly conservative Christian background I can understand them at some level - but in the final analysis they are NOT following Jesus' example of unconditional love. Even if it were a sin (which I think is a thoughtless misapplication of the Bible) to transition or merely accept some hrt that shouldn't affect your family's love and concern for you (Jesus wouldn't have said you can't have your cake and eat it too about something like this!). I do pray that you will be able to continue to be a light in the life of your kids and your wife will have a change of heart.

I have to say i would give my life for my family, in any circumstance. What i won't do though is to allow them to dictate what i have to do to keep myself alive. Those sound contradictory but it is not.

They choose to react to this how they want. I would never abandon them, regardless of if they chose to abandon me. A dead me cannot really be there for them. (other than a cool gravestone to put flowers on and all the fun memories)

You know if my wife came to be and said, look i feel like i really need this thing or i am afraid i will spiral down and not be here in the future. (pick something i would feel uncomfortable with her doing). I'd really out of love, have to afford her that.

People use Christianity and religion in general do justify bad reactions and bigotry to many things. People claiming they know how the creator wants you to run your life, is pretty incredible when you think about. Apply the same standards to everything in their lives, because you know how that will turn out.

Keep the faith and keep yourself the two are in now way incompatible.

Hi TessaLee

Well like me I take it transitioning and hrt is going to be the final nail in the coffin. My wife was okay with everything until I started taking hrt. She actually went to my psych and told her she can deal with me being a woman and that we will stay together. Now she had a change of heart.

I basically tried to accept myself for what I am a woman in a mans body I know I can fix it but to what expense. So I am a woman with a penis. But being with my family is worth being in this body because that is how I belong with them.That is how I fit in to my family.

Unfortunately I realized this fact too late when a lot of damage was done. I have to prove now that I can live with dysphoria. At a stage I wanted to be a woman more than anything in this world but I wanted my cake and eat it. I can't have both! I have to choose if I want to be with my family or do I want to be a woman.

I remember walking into my first appointment with my psychiatrist and telling her I want it to go away I want to be with my family. She told me there is nothing she can do to make it go away I have to choose what I want to do with it. It is only your choice alone. It hurts like hell being rejected from your wife I know that all too well. I particularly don't always hate being in my male body I just felt that a male only role in life is to restricted.But I know by heart if I could choose to be female I would take it if it did not have the consequences it does now. I always felt metrosexual fits me and gives me space to breathe a bit. It is not really living like a woman but at least it is better than nothing.

Remember for your wife this is a difficult thing also. She is afraid of losing her husband and will grief over you same with your children. It is only your choice at the end of the day.

"you make great sacrifices for the ones you love"

hugs - Amoray