Well I confronted myself and accepted that I am getting divorced  I am not really happy about it but what can I really do about it. This is her choice not mine I really don't have a choice in that direction if she divorces me. It is a sad reality that so many people know too well. With being transgender we try being normal we fall in love and then you lose that person to being you. Okay it really is not fair to expect a heterosexual woman to stay with a woman. Because if I was a woman in the first place she would not have married me if I looked like a woman.

So this got me thinking how much pain trans people must endure and causes because they are hiding from society then society points fingers at us and tell us look what you did If we did not have to face all the discrimination and stuff for being trans then we would not try to hide it and hurt ourselves and other people in the process. I would have taken it to the grave that is what I thought. So now I am sitting here I typing this thinking,why me? Why not me?  I don't like being transgender it sucks I accepted it but it really sucks.

I will always feel second rate to genetic woman and they will always view my as such. I don't plan on getting a partner also I plan on waiting till after srs. Sex will just feel gay if I don't that is just me. I have too much other things on my mind that I plan to do. Finishing my degree in computer science, this is part time and time consuming. I want to get active and change my body. I want to save for srs and implants.

I want to focus on myself and discover who I really am. If you meet someone in high school you don't really get that chance I think that is where I made the big mistake not that I am saying I am regretting my life. I don't see this divorce as the end of my life anymore but rather a second chance at being me that I missed the first time around. I really found Sona Avedian's transition inspirational. She also have a daughter and I see pictures of them happy and smiling and you can see they are really happy. Her daughter had to be the same age as mine when she started transition and 3 years down the line she is divorced her child is 5 and she transitioned to a beautiful woman. It really got my pit boiling and thought that could be me. By staying in this marriage I am going to put up a facade. I am going to be a puppet.

After I went out and met my family I could not see myself as male anymore something changed something snapped. I did not introduce myself to my daughter yet. I am scared she won't like me.  I am going to feel guilty for taking away her father figure in her life. Well I am still a tomboy  I like what I like and now I get to like the things I was not allowed to like also.So I am deciding if I want to be brave slip into my dress and flip flops and wing it again. My wife wants to divorce she told me this morning when I showed her photos of Sona and her daughter that I deserve to be happy. Well am I happy? no not really not at this place in time when my life is scattered all over the place.

I went to get the my new hrt cycle and I asked her are she certain she want to do this.Want to continue with divorce. She said she is but why doesn't a part of me believe her. Is it my conscious not wanting it to be true so badly that I can't believe her. Am I denying it still. All I know if you are emotionally invested in a person and they break it off you are in for one hell of a ride. I still have hope for some reason that I can negotiate with her to stay and that we sort things out. But I can't imagine 5 years from now that I am going to be happy or feel imprisoned. She is not going to give me room for anything,she is going to police my gender expression 24/7.

I don't know if my married life was just part of a journey of my life that ended. I am trying to understand why it will be better. I don't know better for that matter the best life that I knew after school was with her we are high school sweethearts and never been apart since. This really makes the emotional investment margin huge in my case because I thought this is going to be a fairy tale. I was living my dream. I thought I was living my dream I just really put my real dream to one side.

Well I think I will move on eventually, it is difficult at this stage and starting hrt confirms even more that things are done and over. It hurts to think about her in someone else's arms when my dreams was holding her forever in my arms. I wonder if she feels the same way about me too sometimes

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AM
I would have taken it to the grave that is what I thought.

I once thought the exact same thing. I was wrong.

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AMSo now I am sitting here I typing this thinking,why me?

Yes... I shouted that too. The first answer I was given that made sense was "It has to happen to someone and Mother Nature does not care, she just shuffles the genes and some of us get the broken version". Not exactly a stunning help, but it helped emphasize that this was not my fault. I did not choose this and I had no say. I was born this way.

Later, I came across a more detailed explanation that explained that disruption to certain hormones in the 15th week of pregnancy seems to be the key cause of transsexualism. Maybe my mother was stressed. Maybe some doctor gave her something like DES or Thalidomide (I am old enough for this to be a possibility). Whatever... this happened to be before I was even viable. I was barely visible as a pregnancy bump. I never had a chance. It is not my fault and I do not blame her either.

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AMI don't like being transgender it sucks I accepted it but it really sucks.

Yep!

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AMI will always feel second rate to genetic woman and they will always view my as such.

Once again, I agree. Nonetheless, what choices do we have?

1) Transition and make the best of it.
2) Do not transition and continue the pain
3) Shuffle off this mortal coil

I went for option 1 because the other two did not really solve anything. So here I am fully transitioned and getting on with stuff as best I can. The start of the process (where you are now) was the worst part. After I got myself sorted and my head cleared out I got on with it because there was no way back, or more precisely no point in going back.

These days I never really think about being trans unless I am here at Susans. It does rattle around somewhere in the back of my head and occasionally surfaces but not for long. I hope that as I continue I will get more and more comfortable with myself. Where I am now is a big improvement on where I started from, but I hope for more....

Amore, I read your post and it really touched me so I just really wanted to reach out. Now I want to say I had the opposite reaction from my wife when I told her I needed to transition. She had know about my dressing for many years so it wasn't a  huge shock when I told her.

That being said, we all have problems when we finally admit to ourselves who we are and start to work towards that. I am only 7 weeks on hormones so you know where I am in transition but I have to say I have never been happier. We have a very hard road ahead of us but my future is bright for the first time. That is even with my financial stability crashing around me because of this.

Look we spend our entire lives being someone where not to please everyone around us that we just get lost in the shuffle. When we final decide to put ourselves first, it's a very difficult thing and tends to drain us mentally. We just have to learn to be a little bit selfish sometimes. We will hurt some people close to us because of it. If they truly love us, they will continue to have a relationship with us on some level.

So even though things may seem dark now, there are brighter days on the way and a happiness you have never known.

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AM
I will always feel second rate to genetic woman and they will always view my as such.

Everyone is second-rate compared with someone, and often compared with someone they know.  Ultimately you have to make peace with that fact, regardless of whether you're male, female, cis, trans, or other.  You have to accept yourself for being yourself and not for the extent to which you measure up in some way or other to someone else.

And, yes, some women will look down on you for not being a "real woman" (women like Germaine Greer.  Or your wife.)  And some won't.  You'll always find people who will look down on you for some reason or other.  I suggest seeking out the people who will accept you and avoid the people who don't (to the extent that's possible.)

I guess this hits home for me because I'm just starting to transition at the age of 62.  There's no way I will pass.  Or look like a decent-looking cis woman.  I assume I'll be an ugly woman (not that I'd complain if I did look pretty.)  I'll get grief about it for the rest of my life.  (Not that that's new -- I've been called "queer" and "weird" all my life.)  But I prefer to look on the bright side: at least I won't have to pretend I'm a man any more.

(BTW a friend of mine says that, in her experience, trans women who don't worry about passing are happier than those who do.)

Quote from: Amoré on January 15, 2016, 08:11:18 AM
After I went out and met my family I could not see myself as male anymore something changed something snapped. I did not introduce myself to my daughter yet. I am scared she won't like me.  I am going to feel guilty for taking away her father figure in her life.

"Father figure"??  Your daughter doesn't need a "father figure."

What your daughter needs is parents, parents who are there for them, parents who are real people, not people trying to pretend to be something they aren't (whatever that is.)  Gender doesn't matter.  And you're not taking that away by transitioning.  You will still be the parent you always were.  If anything, by giving up the pretense that you are fulfilling somebody else's idea of a "father figure" role, you are giving her the most precious thing you can give her: yourself.

As for liking or not liking you: I'm not sure that's all that important.  What's important is that she feels she can rely on you and trust you.  (As someone who did not have parents they could rely on or trust, I can tell you just how much a child -- even an adult child -- needs it.)  If you can give her that, I suspect that even if she has a hard time with your transition now, she'll come around.

I am so glad to see you moving forward.  And that, I think, is the answer to your question.  Where do you go from here?  Forward!

Amore, what are you -- 24?  25? 26? I have children older than you, and some of them have not even finished school yet.  And yet you keep talking like your life is over.  Even if you are 30, I have a daughter older than you who just finished law school.

The plain and simple fact is, you are very, very young.  Your life has not even started yet.  What you are just finishing up was not your life, it was a learning experience to prepare you for life.

Take your time to mourn something that obviously meant a lot to you, but just remember -- the best part of your life is still ahead of you.