It's been about a year now that my dad hasn't spoken to me. No answers to my phone calls or emails. His Facebook account was deleted. He talks to my brother and goes there every few months.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should just give up on him?

I'm honestly just afraid he'll die and he won't get to see his daughter. He's not that old but he isn't in the best of health.

Second topic - One of my cousins recently sent me a Facebook message from her husband's account (why doesn't she have her own?)

I don't know what to make of it:

Hi <deadname>
How are you doing.
We have been out of communication for so long.I always ask your dad for you and your brother. After all we are family. We always pray for our family members. We are not perfect people BUT  we have been hurt so many times we do not know which side to turn. I have learned to put my trust in GOD.   He had showed me his love and fought the battles in my mind and feelings for me.
<Deadname> - Jesus loves you and he will fight for you. I love you also
I am praying for you
God bless you richly
<name>
Cousin


So what was the purpose of this? She definitely knew my name because it's on my Facebook and this is a brand new account, not my old male account.

Why do people think that the best way to convince people to not transition is to deadname them? I'm getting that vibe here.

I still can't figure out how some people think. It's annoying that complete strangers treat you better than your family. Makes me wonder why people have kids if they don't care about them.

Your cousin is obviously not praying for you to have a good life or a safe transition. She is praying for your soul to be saved.

I've had a very similar reaction from my parents. It took them about a year to talk to me, but they're really just making noises at me instead of actually having a real conversation. They're still trying to act like I'm not transitioning and will refuse to do otherwise. The last time it came up, insults were thrown my way and we went back to not talking for another three months, where they would then go back to pretending like nothing had changed again. They aren't willing to listen and I doubt they ever will.

I'm still leaving the door open for them, but I'm not making any effort to reach out to them anymore. They always have the chance to fix things between us, but I'm not letting them hurt me anymore. It's not worth it. My real family is the one I share love with. Blood doesn't matter.

I'm hoping and kind of not hoping mine come around. Been over a year since I've spoken to my father and 6 months with my siblings. I've tried a few times to make contact, but I never get any response. I've replied to group messages from my mother where everybody was included and never saw another item on any of the messages. At this point I'm thinking I tried and it's on them now if they want to talk to me. I'm going to stop bothering. I'm happier without their negativity, but I do still find myself crying from time to time. Oddly enough it's usually over my father, who's never been nice to me. It's the notion that my own father doesn't love me that gets me down. I also see posts through a cousin's page several times a year of him at my sibling's house, so I know he's capable of making contact. It's not going to change my transition though. Getting affection back by not transitioning is not love, it's blackmail.

I have lots of friends/cousins that use their husband's account instead of their own and their husband doesn't go on there at all. I feel like it's that they don't want to get harassed by guys, but I've yet to have any random hits from guys on mine. Mine does say I'm married to a woman though.

And I don't respond to messages that address me as my dead name. I still have one from an aunt that's 6 months old and I've never even allowed it to be marked as read much less responded. They know what my name is and if they don't have the courtesy to use it, I won't return that courtesy.

I told her this is the one and only time I will remind her of my name. Otherwise I am not responding to my deadname.

Hi Kate. How are you?

Doesn't sound like you're too happy with how you're fam's been treating you ever since you came out. I can honestly say that I feel quite similar to you. In fact, I've already made the painful decision to cut off my family. The only one I am having trouble doing this with right now is my dad because I live in his house and I really need a place to stay until I can get my own apartment. Other than my dad, I don't even communicate with my brother anymore. We used to be inseparable, but I need him to know  just how serious I am about being referred to correctly as Phoenix (or by my masculine nickname) and in male pronouns only. Until he learns to do that  without me always having to correct him nonstop, I will avoid contact with him at all costs.

Kate, I am all about you discontinuing all contact with your dad and whomever else you choose if they do not wish to refer to you appropriately as female. But I do hope your family will come around and act like adults so you all can be a part of each other's lives again. Perhaps the long time apart from them will shake some sense into their heads.

Quote from: King Phoenix on January 15, 2016, 01:37:49 PM
Hi Kate. How are you?

Doesn't sound like you're too happy with how you're fam's been treating you ever since you came out. I can honestly say that I feel quite similar to you. In fact, I've already made the painful decision to cut off my family. The only one I am having trouble doing this with right now is my dad because I live in his house and I really need a place to stay until I can get my own apartment. Other than my dad, I don't even communicate with my brother anymore. We used to be inseparable, but I need him to know  just how serious I am about being referred to correctly as Phoenix (or by my masculine nickname) and in male pronouns only. Until he learns to do that  without me always having to correct him nonstop, I will avoid contact with him at all costs.

Kate, I am all about you discontinuing all contact with your dad and whomever else you choose if they do not wish to refer to you appropriately as female. But I do hope your family will come around and act like adults so you all can be a part of each other's lives again. Perhaps the long time apart from them will shake some sense into their heads.

I wouldn't exactly say that my entire family is against me. Only a few family members.

My mom is 100% fully supportive, refers to me as her daughter, etc. My dad simply doesn't talk to me at all. I sent him a coming out letter, and he hasn't responded. No answers to my phone calls or emails. It's a shame because he used to come and visit and my kids liked him.

One of my aunts is very nasty behind my back. She tells my mom stuff like I still look like a man, and she constantly posts Caitlyn Jenner memes (the bad ones) on fb. I unfriended and blocked her. My mom unfriended her but I think she has spoken to her when she went to Trinidad this week (I'm from there).

My other family has basically lost contact but this is independent of my coming out. Since I moved to the US I lost contact with a lot of people.

I do talk to my relatives who live in the US, like my brothers, my sister in law and my cousin and cousin in law. They are supportive.

I am not attached to my family but at the same time I see no reason to really just abandon me like this. I am a much happier person now. Why can't they see this? That is what is bugging me.

Well, I hate to say it, but I think the only thing you can do here is wait and see what happens. I think like our transitions, our loved ones' acceptance and yes, even their support of our coming out will be a process. Here is a resource about some tips with this:
http://www.tsroadmap.com/early/comeouttips.html

I hope it helps.

It's been since October 2013 since my father has spoken to me when I came out to him in person. I reached out to him several times afterards and he never returned phone calls, E-MAILs for well over a year and blocked me on Facebook. After my wife's mother passed away this past February (2015), out of curtesy I E-MAIL'd him since they knew each other. (We had all taken a vacation together 8 years ago.) He did respond back to me but only said that their thoughts and prayers were with us. I called him and he didn't answer and left him a voicemail he never responded back. A month later we (my wife, father-in-law, who is super supportive, and myself) went to Florida for a week to get away and visit my mother, step-father and brother since the winter weather was just making it too depressing. On the drive back we were traveling from Florida via I-75 through Georgia traveling within 2 miles of my father's house. I E-MAIL'd to ask if he wanted to meet for dinner. He responded that he was going to be out of town. I later learned through my brother that he was home hiding in his house with the lights off just in case we stopped by and knocked on the door. Two of his three sister (all Southern Baptist) are not supportive, but I did receive a Christmas card with one of them using my dead name, but the message was actually sweet. The third sister is super supportive and her husband has had a few words with my father about how my father has treated me. (They were best friends in High School.)

So now it's been over 2 years and 3 months since I came out and he still hasn't accepted it. He never open E-Cards I have sent him (he used to) and I just haven't tried lately because I'll just get disappointed. My supportive aunt tries to talk to him and she tells me not to give up, and he tell everyone that he can't deal with it.

Regardless I'm happier now than before I transitioned and as far as I'm concerned it's his loss.

It's a shame that our father's are going to miss out on us, but we can't take responsibility for their narrow-mindedness and I refuse to feel guilty about being my true self.

My parents cut me off - it ended with my dad yelling at me on the phone and I hung up on him. I had panned a trip during Thanksgiving to see them and they realized that I was coming as the real me and apparently freaked out.

After a year of no communication my mom sent me a letter as if nothing had ever happened. We've been exchanging letters now for a few months which is better than nothing but i'm afraid they they will never want to see me face to face again. Like others have said - I'm happy now and if my parents want to check out of my life because of this - so be it. I will survive.

My parents pretend that I never tried coming out and because I don't want another firestorm I'm closeted at home.  Yeah it's funny my parents are caring and do try to help when I'm down and unhappy but not when I try to tell them I'm transgender then it'll become more about how I'm doing something immoral, unethical, etc.  and guilt trip the heck out of me.  I know they'll never come around they're dead set in their ways.     

Little do they I have plans this year to get away and believe me being trans is only half the reason they like to put a lot if pressure when it comes to college and getting a career.  I don't want to really leave them but unfortunately they're getting a bit too much to handle.     

It makes me really sad to see family to let relationships go up in smoke just because they won't let go of the gender box they associate with us. Why is this so important to them? Why does it distress this so much to find their son really identifies as a woman deep within their soul? Even if they can't understand this why can't they accept this is important to us if we tell them so and explain how much happier and more fulfilled in life we can be if we can live free to express our true self?

I can only hope and pray that some of our family members will one day soften their hearts and come back to accept us as we are not as they want to force us to be.

Love,
Denali

It's been almost two years for me - my father is slowly coming around. He was in denial for well over a year and then he suddenly slipped into anger and had a go at me via email. I respectfully stood my ground and told him that not only did he have the wrong idea about a lot of things, I wasn't going to allow myself to be deadnamed and misgendered by him. It was good that he was in anger mode, unlike denial, it at least gave me something to work with. He has reached some kind of begrudging acceptance. He's still not all that happy about the situation but he will talk to me and doesn't use my male name, not in my presence any way.