I'm back here thinking, why am I here? The essay I have just written in my head is futile. Unless anyone here is God? Anyone here has something to say that shows me there is more to life than atoms and particles? I don't know. I want to be happy. And I wan't to see how to be happy. But all I see is unfairness and pointlessness. I feel the same selfishness in me. I can't help it. I'm jealous of those who are better than me. But I can't help it. That is life. That is being human. Selfishness and nothingness and pointlessness. God please show me something. Anything. Anything more than this life. I want to be better than this life.

sorry you seem to be in so much pain. I'm older than your mother and hopefully have still a long way to go. The only reason I can honestly say that I'm still alive and enjoy doing things even though I have nothing , but the air to breath is because I've leaned pretty heavily on Jesus and Jesus doesn't seem to mind.

I have been where you are and it's hard to see anything when you are in that much pain that's good in life. At this point in my life, I decided if I were to continue living I would have to start living for myself and attempt the transition. I didn't have a clue how to do it or if could pull it off but nothing else had worked up to that point.

I can't tell you for sure if there is a god or isn't, but I now have joy in life and joy in helping others. It's a long hard road to get there but what is waiting for you is more than worth the trip.

You need to speak the truth and perhaps your mother will see the pain in your heart and the need for you to live a different life. My mother didn't accept it at first but as time went on, she came to understand that I needed to live my own life and not the life of another.

Oh, hey we're the same age orangejuice!

I realize I don't know anything about your situation but you should see a professional, especially if you feel that your life is not worth living (because it is)

If you're worried about actually committing suicide or otherwise trying to end your life, please, please consider either talking to a trusted friend or calling:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273-8255 <---Open 24/7

I can't post links yet, but google National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and you can even find someone online to chat to.

Now, with that out of the way, I'd like to tell you a story. I forget the age I was at the time but it was somewhere between 10 and 15. My father always watches the news after work, usually with the lights dimmed because it's manly or mysterious, I suppose. Anyway, the news report was of some famous actor or celebrity that had committed suicide; I didn't know who and I honestly wasn't paying attention.

Especially back then, my dad sometimes had issues talking about heavy topics head on, but he always meant it from the heart. I heard him make a sad comment about said famous person "...sucking on a shotgun," then he turned to me and said, "[Wallaby's Real Name] it's never bad enough to end your life. Things will get bad, they might even be more than you can bear, but you are worth it and your life is never worthless."

That always stuck with me and although I've never told him, I appreciate the advice more than I can put into words because I believe it's why I've never had any inkling of a though of wanting to die.

So, because I believe that advice, because I believe in people, and because I believe that noone's life is pointless:


You mentioned your mother and I imagine there are more people who would miss you than you may think. Not that I want you to feel guilt for wanting to end your life, because you shouldn't! You're still hanging in there, and sometimes living is the hardest thing a person ever has to do. You should tell yourself that you are worth. Say it to yourself until you mean it, because you are.

Although you should still see a professional because I am absolutely not that. If you don't know where to start, you can ask a family doctor to get a referral or Google it.

You can do it, I believe in you 

OJ,
I hear ya loud and clear. I grew up agnostic and borderline Aethist. Having found God through Christ 7 years ago and walking tightly with Him ever since has had many trials in my life. And blessings. For one I am now aware of my own depravity. My own sin. I deserve death for it is the wages of sin. But in Him, Christ I am Saved.

This sounds like hardcore born-again theology, I know. I still can't believe I can recite it. It and dozens of other topics of hope are what we discuss in our men's bible study. Ha... mens. If my bible study partners even knew what was in my head... that I want to live and look like a woman. How I've wanted this for decades.

But all of this still sounds to me so sinful. Like it goes against God's design, His will. His Plan. I do think of hurting myself now and then, and know exactly what I'd do. But I also want to be around to experience female life, and to live for His glory until my natural time comes.

I so very much want an Orchiectomy, but am impatient. I want to have smooth facial skin but am scared of going all the way with laser/electrolysis, in case I chicken out and look like a half-man, and decide to live as one and try to expect a beautiful woman to love me. I get so depressed about it on one hand, and on the other I realize how damned vain it all is. THen I think of the book of Ecclesiastes and having done a study on this book couple years ago I painfully learned that all in life on this planet that Satan has influence over, is in vain. Everything. That new makeup I found that bonds well with the skin, to that cute cami, or the subtle shade of nail polish that can be androgynous enough... Its all in vain.

But my life is not in vain. It has a purpose. So what am I to do? Again and again, drowning in alcohol and my own depression and self-loathing of how in my youth I felt I was totally with it and sharp as a tack, It was all God's design for me. It took 35 years for me to find Christ, invite HIm to live inside me. He satisfied all the laws in the Old Testament. My salvation rests on Him. As I type this I feel better, knowing that I am a sinner but with apologies I can't help it! Well I could try but I'd be an a**hole to everyone around me. I know... been there done that before I was Saved.

Yea I'd still prefer to look and be like Tim Tebow, a gorgeous Born-Again Christian football player with a bod that kills, able to get a beautiful and precious specimen of a Christian woman at my side. But no. Born a nerd, lived a nerd's life, bulled all my youth, had a sh*tshow of a childhood, social reject in my teenage years. At least I'm experienced at adversity. Maybe it can help me with my transition.

In the meantime I'm still listening to God. At first I prayed so much for Him to take my GD away from me and eliminate all desires for feminine living, so I can follow His desire for a binary construct of Male and Female. (Genesis) When my GD got more strong, and I admittingly felt weak I asked His help to make me a woman.

Well my GD is stronger than ever. How do I know the difference if it is Satan's temptations to separate me from God or if it is God's natural will for me (hence the Eunuchs that Jesus talked about)? I look to Philippians chapter 4.