Have you ever felt like even when you know the sky is blue you question if maybe it's purple?
What i'm saying is have you ever doubted? Because i feel like i don't know myself when i do simply because
my feelings and emotions get clouded and the gateway's are shut behind me. My past makes me confused
and my future makes me question and even my body is trying to tell me something everything coming from different feelings and confusions. People say to me "What's wrong?" But because the gateway shut and the emotions became clouded you forget what was wrong and how to place it into words that make sense and it goes so far you even can't go in order it's like time came along froze and hid everything from you or other's sight's just to make it complicated.
I found myself getting my letter for HRT
I found myself questioning, doubting, thinking, emotionally existed then drained and confused all in one big lump.
Back to questioning and back to thinking and back to emotionally existed then drained and it repeats.
I can't stop it, it happened with my sexuality so i honestly gave up and never looked back
and now it's happening with my gender but iv'e come so far i don't want to give up yet i'm so lost i'm scared
i'm going to give up. 

Are you speaking regularly to a counsellor or therapist, or even a support group? It sounds like you need to sort out your feelings but they feel too jumbled up to know where to start.

Yes i spoke to a therapist he can't even figure it out completely but does his best
I'll have my med's soon or something but even then it won't solve the confusion i need someone to work into confusion with me.

In some ways I've never really managed to understand it.

I started HRT because I was desperate, and it was good. I stopped and that was very bad, so I started and stopped and started again and so on. I figure it doesn't really matter why, only that I know whats good for me and whats bad.

I had some pretty bad depression a couple of years ago and I was offered medication by a psych, and I refused. I increased my level of HRT instead and took another step towards transitioning, and the depression evaporated. That provided some clarity as to my situation.