Hi all,
Firstly I apologise if there's any errors in this post: I'm writing this via mobile and it's past midnight already.
Over the last few days, I've seriously decided to.... Come to terms with everything.
Let me start off with a little introduction of myself. I'm 18, born a male, and have pretty much always identified as a male although some things have been a little off.
I went to school in a small town where people were talking about sex and whatnot at a very young age (before 10). I was often mocked and ridiculed at such an early age because I didn't know what certain parts were, which is when I first knew something was different relative to the typical male.
I've always been attracted to men, starting at around 4-5 years old. I was always relatively smart (for a guy) and knew this wasn't the norm, and played "straight" so nobody would question a thing. This was relatively easy for me. I've never desired to dress up as a female in my life. That said, I've never really cared about the male stereotypes either. I was always slightly scrawny as a kid, and was never overly into (rough) sports growing up. I liked a whole mixture of things, from insects to swimming. But something that never interested me was either cross dressing or women - and from that point onwards I presumed I was gay.
Moving on: I moved states at 9, and entered my new school. This was a private school where academics were rewarded and sports were scarce. Everyone was friendly and I quickly forgot about my old school and town and made friends at my new school. I was your typical boy externally, but internally I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. Let me reiterate. I knew exactly what was going on, I just wasn't sure why nobody else was feeling the same way as I was.
From a very young age I've always fantasised being with a man, but not necessarily sexually - just cuddling and kissing. What makes this difficult to talk about (albeit probably really important) is that when I say "man" I'm not talking about your typical kid crushes. I was interested in men often my fathers age. To me, they offered a level of maturity I could gain from no "boy" or "girl" my age. Obviously I never acted on these thoughts, nor did I insinuate I felt this way to anyone. I just presumed I'd make sense of it at some stage in my life. My mum gave me a book to read about puberty around this time, and it said it wasn't uncommon to have feelings for "authority figures" but they generally pass... Moving on...
When I was 12, I officially came out to my parents as gay. Although they said they were fine with it, they said it was just a phase and would probably pass. But it didn't, of course.
Between the ages 12 and now, I've only ever fantasised myself with men often 3 times my age (depending how old they were when I started). I've had huge "crushes" on teachers, friends dads, coaches, and just your typical man on the street. I emphasise the term huge because some have been ongoing for years and are still something I think about (although I got over some).
I started watching porn at around 12 (I'm not entirely sure -- I started with "sex position" images and felt incredibly guilty for doing so). But now I casually watch the same type of things - but maybe it's a little personal to get into the details.
At 18 I once again came out not only to my parents, but also my friends and family. This was during a time when high school had finished, and sheer loneliness had kicked in. I wasn't sure what I was feeling and why, but gathered coming out would ease the pain. It didn't, but it was comforting to know all my friends and family supported me.
That was almost a year ago. The last week or so, my internet history has been bombarded with transgender questions. Since I've toyed with it being a genuine answer to my predicament, my life just makes sense. And it's the sense of life that makes me happy. Everything about how women talk about sex and relationships... I just naturally understand. I can only see it from their perspective though. For example, when watching porn, I would only ever watch straight porn and envision myself as the women. I think that was what made me realise there could actually be a reason for my feelings.
However, I knew it was deeper than that. Other things began making sense - almost like an intense epiphany. THATS WHY I know knowing about cars. THATS WHY I value my physical safety and hated full contact sports. THATS WHY I was overly sensitive as a kid. There are just so many things that now make sense, but still things that don't. THATS WHY I was generally more "switched on" than most guys I knew my age. THATS WHY I always fantasised a guy holding my hand along the beach, or cuddling me whilst camping. And so forth.
I don't hate my male body or facial hair. I admit I don't have the most masculine body (one of my friends even randomly told me I'd look good as a girl despite him knowing nothing about this). I've never wanted to wear a dress or wear makeup (although from a creative perspective it seems like something I could live with).
Here are some other things about me and my family:
1. My sisters were never really that feminine: the more feminine one being gay. The other has three kids already (23 years old).
2. I never really felt like I went through "puberty" per se. I've had the same sexual and romantic attractions now as I did when I was four (thereabouts). The only difference is my preference in men has slightly changed. I'm more into typical men (sorry if I offend -- those typically already with a family) rather than muscular now.
3. I have never had an issue with my parents at all (no daddy issues or anything). I was raised in a straight household and nobody (including my sister) knew anyone that identified as non-straight.
4. My interested are mostly unisex now. I like traveling (the idea anyway -- I'm still saving for my first trip). I want to get into photography (landscape) and just enjoy listening to music or browsing the Internet.
5. I'm relatively neat "for a guy". Handwriting, bedroom, etc.
6. I have panic attacks giving presentations, or reading aloud. I HATE having my picture taken and 99% of the time cringe at how I look (especially when I smile) although I can tolerate my own reflection. Maybe all this is related?
7. I like to write, and will consider becoming a writer. I suspect that's not much of a secret though.
8. To conclude, I've never had sex, but could only see myself enjoying it with an older guy as a female -- hence my sudden thoughts of transgender, which makes sense.
There you have it. My life story in a nutshell.
This is literally the first time I have ever considered this. I presumed to be transgender meant to desire to dress and act like a women at a young age; a quick browse on the internet quickly changed my views on this.
No, this is not some "troll" post (I'm not sure what reaction this will get, honestly).
To me, I feel internally like a 40 year old women. But I still don't necessarily dressing like a women, which is confusing. And obviously I don't want to change my age.
Sorry for the essay. I would love all thoughts on this.
PS. I know I'm using a lot of stereotypes. Boys can dress up and be feminine but still be cis gendered, and vice versa. I'm not sure if what I've written can be seen as offensive, and if it is,
I apologise in advance.
