I just wanted to take a moment and share something positive. It is too easy to get bogged down with anxiety and not see the brighter side. This weekend served as a pivotal moment for me. I'd like to share it with you all.
I have been on HRT for 4-months now and i have to say it has been a crazy roller coaster ride! From start with a relative low dose and it getting bumped to a much higher one, I have been in what seemed like a tail spin. I travel for work and there is not much time to talk about things and vent them out. I seem to only harbor them and swirl in my thoughts.
For at least two months now my wife and I have had a special birthday weekend planned. This week sat right between two long business trips and i had hopes that this small 3-day getaway would serve as a breather and an oasis to relax. It did just that... honestly far more than i would have imagined it would and i certainly needed it. Tomorrow I will be in the airport again but, for now i am elated.
From the beginning this was a girls trip. We were driving 3.5hrs. away to meet up with and friend i met on THIS forum shortly after my joining last October. I was excited to say the least. I had never met "K", let alone another trans person. We had talked on the phone and texted like giddy teenagers for months. She seemed to be very similar to me and we had a lot in common. I was hoping that when we finally hooked up we would become best friends immediately.
We were supposed to meet on Friday but something came up with "K" and her wife that did not make that possible. They would arrive one day late. My wife and I spent the evening in this fabulous 3 bedroom vacation home, perched on the top the mountains. A fireplace warmed the living and a large sectional gave plenty of cozy placed to sit. Outside was a large hot tub that i had been fantasizing about since booking the trip. I have never had an opportunity to wear a bathing suit and i was bound and determined to conquer my fear on this trip.
Snow was falling outside and the slush was turning to a crisp crust once we finally decided to venture outside. Without even skipping a beat i went into the bedroom and changed into my cute two piece bikini. This was the first time i ever felt comfortable enough in my own skin, hell... and confident enough to venture out. I bobby pinned my wig on and with the combination of my longer real hair, i pulled it up and wrapped it int a bun. To say it looked cute would be an understatement! I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me and without so much of a pause, proceeding down the steps to the tub. It wasn't dark yet and there was an audience. I noticed a couple of guys trying to catch a peak. Some women across the way looked on with a blank gaze. I had hoped that the hot tub would have a bit more privacy but it turned out to have none at all!!! Undeterred we got in the tub and had a great time drinking wine, talking, and being all romantical. We passed out early that night... I am not sure if was the wine consumption or the hot tub boiling us... either way we were done!
"K" and her wife showed up the next day and it was great. I met them at the front door. I was extremely nervous but again it didn't phase me. We had a great time together. We had plenty of opportunities to talk and to share with each other. It was so nice being myself and not worrying about being anything else. We went to lunch at the lodge and i fit in seamlessly. The waitress never looked at me weird or made any motion to dictate she knew i was guy.
I felt so comfortable in my skin the entire weekend. I so did not want it to end... coming back to reality sucks. I have come out to 10 people already. Mostly close friends, and childhood mates that are far disconnected from my current location and job. I desperately want to just blurt out to the world that I am trans but, for responsibility sake, i have a plan and it just doesn't mesh with it. I hate the fact i have to adhere to my objective but it is all for a reason. When the time is right I will let the world know.
It's little moments and getaways like that that keep me connected and remind me of who i really am. I am so thankful for a supportive wife and a posse of friends. Fortunately, every one i have come out to has been more than accepting of me stating, "We love you any way you are". I have heard that more than once. Having a trans friend is indeed helpful! I love my new friend and this is just the beginning of a beautiful friendship! I can't wait to do it again!!
Be encouraged that you are not alone. There are people that love you for you and are willing to spend time learning about the true self. I am so thankful for this forum and the way it connected me with some one i probably otherwise would have never met!! xoxoxoxox -A
