Okay, so I'm in a bit of a crisis at the moment.

I'm 16 years old and I came out as a lesbian two years ago, but I am actually wondering if I should have a transition into a male. And it's not just because I like girls.

When I was a kid I grew up idolizing my older brother. I actually thought that I was a boy like him so I would stand and pee beside him in the garden when we were very young and I'd look in my pants and yell "my willy is growing!" in a happy way. When I was in year 1 of primary school (about 5 or 6 years old) I actually realised that I was a girl and started to cry my eyes out on the school carpet (which I was reminded of in high school by a girl who was in my class at the time). For the whole of my childhood I wore boys clothes. Boys pajamas, boys shirts, even boys school uniform for most of primary school. If my brother grew out of his clothes, I would get them passed down to me. I hated parting with my masculine clothes in year 6 and found it extremely hard.

As I entered high school a rumour instantly went round about me wanting a sex change when I grew up. I had never exactly been introduced to sex changes since my parents kept it secret from me and basically forced me to accept that I was female. However, despite me not liking this treatment from fellow students, I actually agreed that I was quite masculine. All of my friends were guys in year 7, I could not make friends with girls at all (I never really could in primary school, either). I didn't like it when my group of guy friends would alienate me from certain conversations due to me being female, and I'd often look at older girls (in particular this year 11 goth girl) who were accepted by their guy friends. So I never really thought that a sex change would be needed to fit in with guys, instead I thought I would just be a goth girl myself and stay by the side of the guys. However, now I myself am in year 11 like that girl I used to look up to and I am also quite gothic still, but I have more female friends than guy friends. I have one main guy friend at the moment named Ryan who claims to be bisexual whereas in the past I had a whole crew of geeky, straight and quite masculine guys (no offence, Ryan, if you ever read this).

So at the moment, I class myself as genderfluid as there are days where I'll wear gothic dresses and gothic clothes (which are still rather tomboyish), but I also have days I like to call "man days". On these days I'll put on two sports bras to flatten my chest, I'll tie my hear back and make it look more manly, I'll put on a cap and wear boys clothes. In fact, I've been buying more boys clothes recently and these "man days" are becoming more common. If I get identified as a girl by strangers on these days, I'll feel insulted.

Can anyone understand me here or help me out? I've looked on the internet and spoken to my guy friend in school who will be becoming a woman as soon as he hits the legal age. But I still don't have an answer. Any thoughts?

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am sorry but you don't get off quite that easy. In the end, you have to make the final determination of what you are. I am pretty sure your are transgender but I can only say you might be transsexual. The reason is early on, you might not have explored the other options to be sure. That's why Real Life Experience and hormones are normally given before the full range of surgeries are given. At this stage, I can give you some help to explore your options more before you seek a gender therapist where your questions will be fully answered. The first bit of help is a link to our Wiki page that will discuss most of the options that fall under the transgender grouping. The second is a link to "the transition channel" where a therapist will ask you the same questions that you will face in therapy. These questions may help you answer your question. As you are a FTM, you will be able to talk to others like yourself in the FTM section as the guys tend to spend most of their time in that area. Feel free to ask me any questions you might have on this thread and I will respond when I can.

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Hi Orlando, welcome to Susan's. Sounds like you have been through a lot. I can totally relate to feeling insulted when they misgender us when we are presenting and living as our authentic gender. It sounds like you might be FtM, but that is something that you might want to sort through with a therapist. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

You should find a therapist if you're really interested.  Also, you can try experimenting around in private to see if you like some things.

For example, my boyfriend is ftm and he had been really hiding it.  When he told me about it, I gifted him a chest binder.  He tried it and now he's so happy he's determined to continue transition.  He isn't hiding anymore   Sometimes a little try-me helps.  I know it helped me when I tried on a bra and went "You know what, this feels even more right than I thought it would..."

Many *hugs* and feel free to PM me for a private talk if you want (we can do that I've ron the IRC chat too, I'm Winter <3)

xoxoxoxo Winter

EDIT:  On second note, if what you try  doesn't feel right that's totally okay!  Some people do things and others don't.  I'm not a fan of makeup myself but I'm still pretty darn girly!

I think the best sign is the fact that you're even asking.  You should try different things.  Have people refer to you as various genders,  Dress various ways.  The goal here is just to do whatever makes you happy.  So try it out and keep going with whatever feels right.

Wow... All of the advice from each of you is really helpful. I might go and see a gender therapist, but I doubt I'll be able to since I still live with my parents. I'll explore a little more and see if I would be happy with a transition. Thanks for all of your help, and I look forward to seeing you all on the forums!

Oh my Satan I'm so similar to your situation, I'm an mtf but also gender-fluid. I has issues with being transgender and I made every excuse but to be a girl like "drag" or "just extremely feminine. I would take my mums old (washed well) sports bras and stuff them, now I don't have to, but I felt so confused in between genders that I went ahead and just became a girl, even if I didn't feel totally like one, but I learned about myself and realised this is what makes me happy. I still have "masculine" feelings so I became a Drag King, same as an ftf drag King but I don't have to stuff lol. I feel you when you said you were a girl one day and felt insulted when you were refers to as a girl, but one thing I did was just ask to be called a "she" even when I hadn't transitioned, it helped a lot. Just do what you feel deep down is right

Quote from: Orlando on February 05, 2016, 05:11:50 PM
On these days I'll put on two sports bras to flatten my chest,

Hey, hey, watch it there.  I seriously recommend getting a chest binder somehow.  I just donated one to someone because he was using 4+ sports bras at once and was complaining about pain.  And honestly, the binders look and feel SO MUCH BETTER than what you can manage off of a sports bra.  If you're interested in binding, try to get your hands on a binder from gc2b.co (I promise you, best quality binders I can find for a good price).  I can help put with sizing or figuring out how to get it without your parents knowing too, but I just don't want you to take a risk and be unprepared for the unlikely case where you get in trouble (I mean, they've gotta know you're using sports bras already right?).  Also don't trust anything you hear about ACE bandages, just don't.

Many *hugs*

As for figuring out what to do next, that part can be tricky for a genderfluid person in particular because your gender expression constantly changes in your case.  Thankfully awareness of fluidity is going around, so this should become less and less of a problem as the world grows up, as well as you.

I'm personally my own thing on the inside: girly sometimes and totally empty of gender at other times.  But I just come off as a mtf person, and when I do have my gender neutral days, nobody seems bothered.  I mean, all girls get a tomboy day here and there it seems, and people probably think it's that.  So for me, I think I can pass in the adult life pretty well.

You're in high school, so please enjoy being able to totally switch all the time!  Later in life you could end up with a job which questions that sort of thing, but you shouldn't worry about any of that yet.  You're in a free zone as long as your parents don't mind.  Now is a great time to experiment around some more, ask yourself questions, and enjoy exploring yourself

I'm here to help you with that - we all are.  You can pm me if you have something specific, but you can put it right on this thread too of course!  Or if it's super specific, maybe a new thread will help.  Also, send Ryan over here if they ever want some advice

    ~ Winter